I am not sure what I really want to say here. I’m at a crossroads (no pun intended) in my life. Up until about two weeks ago, I hadn’t dressed in many months. I am not out in the world as Candy; she is someone I privately dress up as and for myself. So far, I have had a week or so each year where the rest of the family is away and where I stay back to keep working or to give myself space. It’s during those weeks I dress as Candy as much I can, and I love it.
As the week comes to an end, I feel a sense of impending loss. I feel more myself as Candy, but like so many girls, it’s not as easy as just making the change. I have a wife and kids, and I know my wife would not accept this in her life. It would be the end of our marriage. I used to think that was not something I wanted. Over the past few years our marriage has lost all its spark and romance. I am not sure who pulled away first or who has pulled away more, but it’s become a friendship and roommate situation. We don’t sleep in the same room or even have the same bathroom. This does allow me to sleep every night as Candy, which has been wonderful. But as I said at the beginning, I hadn’t dressed up in quite a long time.
I miss her when I’m not her, but I haven’t been able to justify being her all the time. If I weren’t married with kids and maybe 20-25 years younger, I don’t think this would be so tough. If I were in my late teens or early 20’s and I figured this out about myself, I know I would have many years left as Candy and be able to have a life as her. Doing it now, in my mid 40’s, doesn’t feel like I would get to spend the best years of my life as Candy. I do know that if I were to make this change it would be to go all the way. I would want the hormones and surgeries and go through it all. I would want to be her as much as medical science would allow. I know I am her in my mind. I just don’t know if I can be her in body.
I don’t have anyone to talk to about this and this is my only place to express how I feel to myself and to others. I am not expecting much feedback, but any thoughts or shared experiences to come my way would not go amiss. Thank you to anyone who reads this.
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Candy Heels
Latest posts by Candy Heels (see all)
- Wish I Could Get My Girl On More Often! - December 3, 2020
- At a crossroads - November 5, 2020
Hello Candy. I think every CD has reached these crossroads at any time of their lives. Obviously, the extent of the worry depends a lot on the time needed to take a decision and what has happened in your life so far. Indeed, marriage and kids are strong ties, but if their opinions and attitudes about your truly expression don’t make you happy (and, in the worst case, make you feel depressed), they shouldn’t jeopardise your life. As someone who endured depression during two periods in my life, I know quite well that when a person is depleted of what… Read more »
potentially leaving your spouse is scary break from what is familiar. If you two are roomates with kids, sleeping in seperate rooms, I think its mostly over. The very best thing both of you can do is move on to new people who will make you happy. Sounds like you can probably do it peacefully and with the least amount fighting I hope. I’d probably wait until after separating before coming out to her if you know its not something she can deal with. The kids will probably be ok. They live in a much more open world. 40 is… Read more »
Alicia, As much as roommates as we are, my wife would take it quite personally me coming out as Candy. It would end our marriage right then and there (expensive divorce) but then she is a very petty person and would say horrible things about me to my daughter and that would confuse her greatly. My daughter is the one thing in my life I love more than myself and may be one of the few things keeping me around. I know it’s not the best reason, but how I see it, when you have kids you give up the… Read more »
divorce is never cheap unless you have a solid pre-nup and most folks don’t. your marriage already is over from what you’re saying. I lived thru nearly the same situation, except one day my ex just moved out w/o warning or even a hint it was about to happen. I just came home and found her clothes and a bunch of furniture gone, not even a note. that has an impact on the kids, but being up front would of been much more managable for them. funny thing is they saw it coming, maybe she had said something to them… Read more »
Candy, I would highly recommend finding a couples counselor experienced in gender issues (so NOT a Christian or church-based counselor). Come out and be honest with the counselor in your individual sessions before coming out to your partner. Sometimes just saying things out loud to someone in person can take a huge weight off. I know for my partner and I going to a counselor changed our lives for the better in many ways.
Carrie,
Thank you for your advice and seeing a counsellor or therapist is something I want to do on my own to deal with my own mental anxiety and issues first. I want to get my thoughts straight and find my own answers first before I involve my wife. If this truly is a path I want to follow, to be a woman full time, there will need to be a lot of sacrifices. I have to figure out if I can deal with those sacrifies.
The solution is simple Candy, but not always an easy path when we are repressing, ignoring or out right denying any aspect of who we are. That’s what create suffering and omg have I suffered, but not any more dear. The pine tree seed can only become a pine tree, the acorn, an oak tree. What brings us the most happiness and inner peace to be, is what we are meant to be. You know “you” better than anyone on the planet. Deep down you know what brings you genuine joy and what creates suffering; the trick is truly honoring… Read more »
My wife and I have not been intimate in over 10 years. We have no kids (other than fur babies) and sometimes the resentment of me be the sole provider gets a bit too much. That said, I’d take a bullet for her with a smile on my face anytime because of how much I love her…sure, there may not be that ‘six month spark’ anymore and ‘yes’ I’ve made a lot mistakes along the way…but it doesn’t change my inner most feelings towards her. That said, sometimes the only path is a different path. YOU have decide what makes… Read more »
Hi Isabelle, I know the “six month spark” has long faded away, but there isn’t even any passion or romance at any point. We don’t have a married relationship to speak of. Having a child changes things for me. I love my daughter more than my own life and that’s probably kept me from moving on from the marriage. I know, staying for the kids isn’t a good reason, but it’s all I’ve got right now. I still love my wife, but I don’t like her. Or maybe I don’t like the status of the relationship. I’m still figuring out… Read more »
Candy, You and I are traveling the same path; I’m just a bit further along on the path than you. I too have seeked out counseling to try and understand why my enfemme alter ego, Stephanie, is growing stronger in my life as I get older. I just turned 59 years old and believe me, my best years are still ahead of me if I view them without rose-colored glasses. I don’t have the great slim body that I had in college anymore. You know the one in which I could strut around my private dorm room dressed in clothes… Read more »
Hi Candy, I wanted to just say I understand that desire to live your femme life out in the open but having obstacles. First off I love letting Courtney out and in the last two years it has been more prevalent. As for my family, my SO and I have worked hard to be where we are our in our relationship, being very deliberate about spending time with each other and making sure that when our kids are out of the house we still have that connection. I don’t know if that is something you are able to do in… Read more »
Courtney, Thank you for your words and I am glad you have been able to find somewhat of a balance for your SO and Courtney. I know my wife would not support anything to do with Candy. Those conversations, though not directly about Candy, have been discussed and her stance was quite clear. She is not interested in being with a woman and she likes men who are men. I don’t fault her for this stance. Each to their own and don’t judge others on their choices in this context. I hope you can find more and more time to… Read more »