Back Then…
I used to worry as much as I wondered. I still do to an extent but in vastly different ways. It used to be all about the reasons that God made me this way, gave me these irrational and shameful feelings. I’d worry about whether I was abnormal, a deviant, or things far worse. The last thing I wanted was to be a woman, dress like a woman, or have anything to do with being part of the LGBTQ world.
And then…
I got older, purged, bought, purged some more, bought even more, and slowly found acceptance for what (still working on the final answer) I was. I am many things, which I believe we all are, man or woman. This world will go to extra lengths to box us in, and segregate us into a category, a label, a derogatory name. It’s for their benefit only, but the stigma and backlash it creates is something that must be endured.
If you hold up two identical tee shirts, made of the same fabric, the same process, one pink and one blue, why does the color define you? Should it? It’s not nearly as bad today as it was in the past. I have seen many (manly) men wearing pink… proudly and without fear of ridicule. I admit, even though I did so in anger toward myself and the need to put it elsewhere, calling out a boy wearing pink when I was younger. (Not going to share the names I used, but they were awful.) Secretly, later, I would be ashamed of myself for both calling him names and wanting to wear that shirt. I did have the luxury of wearing bell-bottom jeans and keeping my hair longer… Styles change, and perceptions change, so why doesn’t the need for labeling? They move on to mother descriptors to vandalize those they wish to eradicate. The worst group, by far, is all politicians. Slam the opposition to garner votes.
Back then…
The moments I would steal to satisfy the building pressure within me to don items associated with femininity, only to feel ashamed of the reflection in the mirror and unfulfilled promises to never do it again. Rarely did those items ever stick around for longer than a week or two. I hid them in the rafters above the garage, in my golf bag, and under the stairs behind the Christmas items. The harder they were to get to was just as important as it was in hiding them from others (wife, children, my parents early.) They may have been hidden, but the worry and stress over what it meant to have them and why was probably worse (even if self-inflicted) than their discovery.
I shared the story often that my ex would end us if she ever found out I was dressing again after catching me in the first year of our marriage in her old prom dress. The way that she found out was the worst, and at the time, put me at my lowest point. The next few years were always an explosion waiting to happen as she held all the strings to my secrets. What if she… She did, and I survived. “We’re never telling the kids!†I kept silent; she told them. I’m the one who has a good relationship with our children today, not her. I took pictures of myself in a babydoll nighty, 6-inch platform white heels with white stockings, a full beard, and severely over-weight. Stresses about my feminine needs and the decline of our relationship feeding each other. Compared to my pictures of today, these were awful, bad, ridiculous, and of poor taste. Downloaded to a folder on the computer, erased off the camera, looked at, was thoroughly disgusted by, erased from the computer, the trash bin emptied, a search done on the computer for photos, feeling it was safe, the items purged, and… the worst photo somehow pops up when she logged onto the computer…
I came home and she told me she needed to talk to me. I will never forget the satisfied and vengeful smile that played across her face as she showed me the picture, and pointed to the boxes and suitcase as she held true to her promise.
And now…
All my stresses, worries, and fears were symptoms and not an uncurable abnormality. I can see the signs so clearly today when studying my past. I am and have always been a Crossdresser who is likely more. I love femininity and its expression, either personally or in others. If I’d been born 25 years later, I would have been on a completely different path and my life may not have felt so lonely. This site, and to a greater extent, this medium that I am a part of has brought me acceptance, gratitude, understanding, comradery, hope, expectations, joy, deliverance, satisfaction, a hint of jealousy, desire, and so much more. I may be getting older, but I still see the beautiful maiden when I look in the mirror. What’s funny: I only enjoy looking in the mirror as Brina. The other reflection that needs to shave and do the mundane male things is something I need to see to get by until I am truly me again…
Until next time… look back and see your own signs, remember some of those moments, and see them with a new perspective. We can change ourselves, so just maybe, we can help to change the world that rallies against us. Be kind to others and allow yourself some grace…
There is a great deal in your article that I can relate too as well. The feeling of being abnormal, perhaps sick even, and reading about this in the 60’s and 70’s it was definitely considered deviant is the most relevant to me. As I gained this knowledge that there were others like me the more I wanted to suppress my desire, and for a long time it worked and I honestly thought it was over, just a phase I went through you could say. Such a decades long struggle to find myself, well at least part of myself. and… Read more »
Wonderful comments, Amy! Thanks 🙂
@Sabrina (Brina) MacTavish Thanks Brina. Another great insight, connecting your journey with what so many of us go through. I Thank God that for the most part, I have gotten over the shame part. As I am writing this I am sitting with family at a restaurant dressed as Cassie.
Hoping you find your way out in the world. IF THAT IS WHAT YOU WANT OR NEED FOR YOU.Â
CassieÂ
Thanks,
I do go out, not for validation but because it feels right. I’m still careful. There will be some Brina trips in the near future.
Thank you, thank you, thank you Brina, for sharing such a hard truth. I have not had the difficult time that you and many others have but I have come to understand the point you make, this journey is as much about understanding those who struggle around us, and need our help, as it is about understanding ourselves. Although, understanding ourselves is the key to having that grace to be kind to others, a grace that this world needs so desperately, it is the kindness we show others that is graceful. Thank you Brina, in all your grace, inside and… Read more »
And to you. Thanks for the kind words. Agree! One of the main reasons I (and many) joined this site. It is the “Group" and not just me. Any help I can impart is important to some, maybe even life-altering. I hope to share and to learn with my postings.:)
@bmactavishÂ
Thanks for this resonant, well written article, Brina. Like so many others, I recognise a lot of what you say, especially,  “If I’d been born 25 years later,". Well, ok, maybe nearer 35 years later, but, with the level of acceptance now, how might my own life have been different.
We can’t change the past but we can change how it affects us and we can change what we do in the future. I’m just glad that I found CDH in time to enjoy what’s left of my future. (Many many years, I hope 😊).
Allie x
One of the magic tricks of being a CD is how we can knock of years by our dressing. I know I can pass as a 40ish woman instead of the 60ish man. I just need to make sure I don’t dress like I’m 80 or try to look like I’m 30. I think our legs and facial structure help us when we wear the right makeup and hair. Like you, where would I be today if I were in my twenties? Following a much different path; that’s for sure… Thanks for the comments.
@bmactavishÂ
I have re-read your post, and the ending hit me. “I only enjoy looking in the mirror as Brina."
You’re right. Â Same here. Â For me it is more than just an affirming experience. Â Additionally, understanding this, intellectually processing it, is bringing order to my world.
Dani
Nicely put! Thanks for the comments 🙂