Like so many of us, I started out as a child (BC). I became curious about the difference between men and women. While home alone, I decided to explore my mother’s fashion world. I rummaged through her closet and dresser drawers. I discovered that she was fashion conscious, and I felt a desire to see myself in her clothes. This was bolstered by finding a pair of diaphanous panties in her lingerie drawer. These were so sheer and sexy; I just had to try them on. They felt so wonderful and made me realize my mother was a sexual being. The only problem was that the seam on the panties was dead center through the crotch and my male parts could not decide on which side of the seam they should fall. I wished I had female parts to fully experience the thrill of wearing them.
From then on, I took every opportunity to reawaken those kind of feelings. Even as my sister grew into woman hood, I would raid her room for things to wear. She had a more modern collection of lingerie and clothing.
I managed to get through school and then later married. If my wife was gone for more than a day I would take the opportunity to dress feminine and spend time that way. I was not yet into makeup. I gradually built a small wardrobe with shoes, undergarments, clothes, and a wig. The inevitable happened; I carelessly left some clothes lying around, which my wife found. She thought I was having an affair. I explained to her that the clothes were mine, and that I enjoyed crossdressing. She had trouble at comprehending this. She was unsupportive and said I could not dress around the house as we had two daughters. So I was relegated to motels or adult theaters and bookstores.
On another occasion, my parents were going on vacation for a week so I thought I would use their apartment to dress. The problem arose when they came home early and found my feminine things. I tried explaining, but they were so distraught they wouldn’t listen. Although no one has ever said a word, I am pretty sure mom told the rest of the family. My mother and father never spoke to me again. Sadly, they are now gone and the issue was never resolved.
Around the same time, I was employed in a very lucrative IT job in New Jersey; I managed to lose it because of my obsession with crossdressing and the sexual aspects of it. I would take unauthorized time off to pursue my obsession. Because of this, my wife and I went to counseling, which was a waste of time as all we could do was point fingers at each other.
We moved back to New York where I sought individual counseling. I explained to the therapist that I was a crossdresser and was struggling with not being able to pursue my desires. While the therapist understood, she did not know how to best advise me. She recommended I take drugs for depression. That did not work either, and I continued living in male mode and suppressing my CD feelings. It did not occur to me at the time to look online for CD support groups as I thought this part of me was dying.
My wife was a heavy smoker and in 2000 was diagnosed with COPD and given 10 years to live. In 2015 we found out that she had cancer. Her oncologist said the cancer was treatable and it would not kill her but the COPD would. After two years of medical issues she passed in May of 2017. This is not to seek sympathy or depress anyone, but to reveal the way in which the closet door opened for Janice to come out.
It took four months taking care of needed responsibilities before Janice could start expressing herself. She found Transgender and Social support groups online and joined some. As you know, the accoutrements of transforming are many and had to be purchased. I decided to make my style age appropriate while following current trends.
I found a makeup artist who took me under her wing and made me look fabulous. She instilled so much confidence in me that the first time I left her salon I went shopping! Thanks to her patience and teaching, I am more adept at doing my own makeup and venturing out in public.
My wardrobe now includes all manner of foundation garments, lingerie, different size and material breast forms, sleepwear, swimwear, dresses, skirts, skorts, jeans, shorts, slacks, seasonal tops, sweaters, jackets, vests, coats, hats, jewelry, shoes and eight hair pieces.
My next big step is to come out to family and friends. Like most of you, this scares the hell out of me. One of my other fears is that Janice will be stopped by the police and the secret will be revealed to the world without my control.
I am Janice every day and go out in the world just like a genetic woman. I wish the same freedom for everyone. I have a small sign in my living room that says, “Because it makes me happy, next question.”