I’ve been dressing in femme clothes since I can’t even remember. Sheer pantyhose, satiny slips, and pretty panties had a hold of me since way before puberty. Always in private, closeted. Until I met a partner who allowed me to explore this part of my life, understanding me, and giving me the courage to feel and think and try on new clothes and new ideas.
Well into adulthood, I’ve had many chances ultimately to be “out,” and even meet up with others, and that has been always exciting. To be seen by others for a part of myself that doesn’t normally get to see the light of day has been affirming and has allowed me to understand these other dimensions to my life.
Still, my default was always simply, “I’m a mostly closeted crossdresser,” thinking that I was basically male and the dressing up would be something I did from time to time because I liked it. Usually in private, sometimes in public, sometimes on these weird social media hybrids where we’re sort of public, but always behind a screen.
But I’ve hit a point where I’ve been able to reflect on my life a bit more (and had some really good input from others) and realize that it’s not just about clothes. Or, rather, as Mark Twain and many others have stated, “The clothes make the man.” Er, well, in this case, the clothes make the woman. The clothes aren’t just an appendage and tossed off at will but have deep connections to our inside.
I’ve become (or, maybe, always have been) more than a man dressed up like a woman. I am sometimes a man, such as in my professional life and around family members. But I am also sometimes a woman, in private and sometimes public. And then too, I’m also often somewhere in between, or beyond, or in some place that doesn’t fit easily within the binary.
So, with this writing, I’m declaring that I am genderfluid, as that feels like a good enough label to use for now. (I could do all the blah, blah about how labels don’t mean anything, and we capitalists demand our power of individuality and choice, but I’m a pragmatist and the words we use can be a help. I think it’s about how we use the terms, and not letting the terms use us.) And while “nonbinary” (NB) is the term many are using, I just dislike the lack of lyricism in that term, much less the way it creates its own binary (there’s binary and there’s non-binary). Genderfluid just sounds right.
For now, it fits.
Thanks for reading. Love to hear responses, even though I’m just writing this for me to be out there.