Brina,
Valentine’s day is fast approaching and for most couples, which means planning a special date and picking out that perfect gift. I’m not doing either of those things because I’m distracted because my husband shared that he would really like to pierce his belly button. He’d enjoy it and I wouldn’t…so how do couples handle an impasse like this without him feeling like he can’t do things that would bring him joy and me feeling like I’m the warden of the closet?
Betty,
There are two answers that I could give… CD oriented or couple-wise. Being who we are (CD) makes me pause when I answer. Replace the situation with something different that isn’t CD related and how would you feel? As a CD who feels they are more, I get the desires to do and have things “All Feminine.” If I knew that I was going to transition, then I might explore those types of options (And if I were much, much younger.) As a CD, is it more? Or is it the rush? Or… is it a need to connect in some way with the inner woman by an outer example? Maybe there are some tough questions that you need to ask. (Both of yourself and of him). Even if I only wanted to be fully immersed in the CD world by being my best feminine self, I would still want to pursue certain things that would help my presentation and emotional side feel better. Being in the closet is no fun; I can only imagine what I would have wanted to do if my spouse had been even a little accepting. Saying that; I believe in harmony and balance. Being in a relationship is tough enough as it is, adding in an element of this magnitude makes everything more complex. I want or I need? You need or you want? Where is the line drawn in the sand?
Brina,
When I replace this situation with anything else that is not CD related, it removes the anxiety and stress of feeling like the closet warden.
We’ve had some honest talks about the belly button piercing and I was asked: “What if it isn’t a dangly one? When would you really see it? Are you aware that men get them too?” A piercing, unlike clothing, is not easily removed. Yes, men do get them as well, but my husband isn’t some random dude getting another piercing. Dangly or not, it is still going to be there, and what it symbolizes and represents causes so many thoughts and feelings. I would know why it’s there and it serves as a reminder that my husband is really a woman inside. It’s a reminder of the secrets kept from me for a decade and a half. It’s a distraction because I’m not attracted to women. It serves as a semi-permanent symbol of what may or may not be changing next. It’s a reminder that my husband wants to do more things that I’m not ready for and may never be ready for.
I asked my husband if he could be intimate with me if I had a mustache and five o’clock shadow. In the past, he has laughed and said “no, that would be disgusting.” Revisiting this topic while discussing the piercing, he said he would try but just not look at my face. “Well, what if you had to?” I asked. He said he didn’t think it was physically possible in that case. Being intimate with my husband and having a pierced belly button is comparable to my having a mustache. It isn’t just a piercing any more than it is just a mustache.
As in any big decision for a couple, the “no” carries more weight and he has decided he is okay with not getting one. It isn’t fair and neither outcome makes me happy. My husband has the acceptance and support that many CDs only dream of, and I think he is grateful for that. Compromise is a victory when you have sold yourself as male to a heterosexual woman.
Betty,
In consideration of Valentine’s Day, men like to buy their spouses’ sexy lingerie. It made me think about being a CD and loving the feel of silk and satin. So many of us discard cotton briefs, and God forbid–boxers to underdress with the soft and enticing underwear. My question is, “Do women like this as well, or is it more about image and sexuality associated with provocative lingerie than with choice and function? In the real world what does the average woman choose and why?”
Brina,
This is a great question and I have a multifaceted answer for you!
To answer the first part of your question, it appears to me that much of what drives the CD is the image and sexuality associated with the lingerie and/or underdressing that is appealing to them. I think the fit and comfort come second to the desire to wear lingerie or panties in the first place for the CD. If fit and comfort were the most important, you would all be buying girlie panties made to fit a man’s body.
The average woman is opposite to the CD as mentioned above. Of course, women want to feel sexy and wear sexy things but fit and comfort are going to trump any item no matter how appealing it may be. There is a lot of sexy lingerie or panties that I would love to wear but if I put it on and look like a Play-Doh fun factory, I will pass on it regardless of how much I’d like to wear it. In order to wear something, it has to look good for me to feel good wearing it.
Women also have to contend with fabrics that anger our precious bits. Lingerie and panties are usually made from synthetic materials that don’t breathe. We have to be mindful of the fabrics and cuts or we will end up with the dreaded yeast monster.
Betty,
I’ve heard this said by others, too. My daughter commented on how much she hated the underwear that her husband bought her once for Valentine’s Day. Not having those particular issues (what you mentioned or a husband…lol) I can’t speak for all CDs but for me, the allure of wearing what is “sexy” or “provocative” even wearing it underneath is essential, if not necessary. I’ve discarded all my male underwear for the comfort of women’s cuts—some are even cotton… I get the “Looking good to feel good!” And yet, most CDs are more concerned with the aspect of what they are wearing instead of their appearance in it. It took me many years and way too much money spent on clothes to figure out the two rarely coexist. I think that is true for women as well, finding the styles that make us look good and feel good!
Thanks again, Betty, for sharing your thoughts!
Until next time… It’s a Betty and Brina’s world…
More Articles by Betty Rockwell
- Betty Rockwell’s Guide to Great Turkey
- Betty Goodall and the Crossdressers
- Betty and Brina Take on the CD World Vol 2
- Betty and Brina take on the CD world
- Becoming Steve
When you talked about women wearing cotton panties much more than cross dressers, I thought about my panty drawer full of nothing but nylon panties. I think most of the comments I’ve seen over the years from other CD indicated that nylon was the preferred material. There’s just something about running your hands over that silky material that feels sooooo good!
Fiona
I think that most of us have limited time to indulge in our alter ego world, and as such, we gravitate towards the ideal vision we see (or want) in ourselves… and in our perception of women. We easily step in and out of that world, whereas woman live it continuously. What would I do if I traveled the path and transitioned. I’m guessing my closet would take on a whole new appearance. Thanks for the comments!
Interesting and relevant topic for me. Recently, my wife stated she wanted me to be happy and asked if there was anything special I wanted for Valentines day. She seemed very sincere so I told her I wanted to attend a CD mixer that is in our area on Feb 11. I have never been out of the house as Michelle but a mixer like this would be a relatively low risk way to do so and no piercing would be required. Boy did I read the room wrong. She got very angry with me and by the time the… Read more »
A much better observation for Betty to answer to. Still, I think you are stating what a relationship and balance comes down to. Betty made a point of coming to the table after being sold on the male and being open and accepting… to a point. There is no perfect world that I am aware of, and compromise is difficult even in the best of times. By itself it means that something must be given in order to get, someone gains as someone loses. What isn’t always stated is the aftermath of feelings that will forever linger or change the… Read more »
Just want to say how much I enjoy reading these articles and that you two are simply awesome for posting them. We rarely get to learn about what an SO might think about CDing in general and specific aspects like piercings and underwear. Too many here at CDH take exception to anything less than full acceptance from their partner. For many of us here in the CDH echo chamber, it’s all too easy to start thinking of this activity as perfectly acceptable. It follows that we get frustrated and defensive when an SO is anything less than accepting. Not all… Read more »
I guess it was 6 years in to my marriage that I opened up about cross dressing. She laughed at first but accepted it. Skip forward a few years and she made me purge everything. It took me awhile but I bought some more and kept them hidden until one evening she ran out of panties to wear because the machine had broke down. So I offered several different pair of panties to wear. She never bothered to ask where they came from and chose some to wear. After that we started shopping together.
Great Story! Thanks for sharing.
Thanks for the words of appreciation and encouragement! You said much that I agree with, so I’ll let it rest with your comments! 🙂
Live these articles and the different perspectives helps is see both sides and maintain healthy relationships with thise we love thanks to both of you.
Thanks for saying so! We have fun putting them together. 🙂
Wow my spelling was terrible sorry.
Ty both for these articles, I love the perspective from both sides of the fence. Betty your take on underthings in my opinion is on point. As much as I may enjoy wearing certain items I know they aren’t made to fit my anatomy and aren’t as comfortable. The other thing I find fascinating is the concept of the piercing, if it wasn’t intended to be a femme augmentation it wouldn’t feel as big of a deal to a s.o. That brings me to my my last point, if clothes were just clothes and not a feminine expression than cross… Read more »
I think you hit on one of the main points that we all struggle with and try to explain. Why is it ok for women to wear anything really and men can’t. Even tattoos have gone the same way for women. It took a long time for pierced ears to be accepted. I don’t have any answers, and as you say… it runs deeper than clothes. I think that is the more important statement of consequence.
Thank you for all of the comments and compliments. I’ve been on a hiatus dealing with a loss. I was nervous coming back today to read the comments and I am so happy with what I have read. I think accepting the change in the relationship is much harder than going in with eyes wide open. Everything you thought you knew has been flipped on it’s head and it is a lot for someone to absorb. Clothing is one thing but the majority of the challenge is in the other areas. Deception, lies, etc. Compromise is hard and it isn’t… Read more »