In my two previous articles I wrote about my earliest recollections of my own feminine self-awareness. As is the vast majority of our collective experience, our feminine self-awareness is denied, suppressed, experimented with, etc. Some embrace their femme self early in life, others struggle for years fighting hard to rid their lives of it. Yet ultimately though we may have heard it many times, most likely we discover for ourselves that our feminine self-awareness stubbornly refuses to go away.
How we deal with that truth of self will become the ebb and flow of our happiness and inner contentment.
As described in my previous articles my own female self-awareness came to me 60 years ago. During those long years I chose to suppress and closet my female self. No doubt many understand the emotional pain of that choice. Only very recently have I raised the white flag of surrender. In surrender I am discovering contentment.
Very recently the opportunity to dress freely was given to me. Excitedly I took it, but not for the sake of just simply dressing. I was determined to use this opportunity to go beyond the clothes and truly meet me, this woman who has played a part of every life experience I have had.
The male me was not the one dressing himself to fulfill some fetish desire. I cannot explain the how or why, but a change took place within my inner person. In a way which I yet do not understood my male resistance and pride was dismissed. I, Charlene Victoria, took the reins. I had freedom as never before to experience life, to develop my own sense of style, to not just embrace but to own my womanhood as a positive aspect of my personhood.
Sixty years is a long time to wait for such freedom. During those sixty years I have so attempted to rid my male self of my femme self-awareness all to no avail. Years of inner pain, thoughts of suicide, many years, volumes of prayer were was the fruit of such choice.
However, all that is good in this way; those failures are my personal proof, the foundation if you will upon which I can confidently come out of the closet and grow as the woman I really am. My recent opportunity to be me has assured me like nothing before that owning my own womanhood is the only positive way to live the rest of my life.
If you are here at CDH, it is no doubt because you have a sense of non-binary gender identification in your own heart. Like many of us here, you may be struggling with knowing in your heart who you truly are. May I encourage you, dear sister, struggle on. The day will come when your femme heart will finally prevail. You may not have to wait sixty years for that victory but when it is yours you will find the contentment, peace, and confidence a precious reward for your struggle.
At whatever place you are on the gender spectrum be aware, embrace, own and become the woman you are.
- How have you surrendered to your feminine self-awareness?
- In your surrender to your inner woman, what has been your greatest self-discovery?
- What does it mean to you personally to own your own womanhood?
Please feel free to answer any one or more questions I’ve posed to you above.
Thanks for taking the time to read my article and my questions as well.