As I was driving home from an event yesterday, I had this pull to stop and get some food. I was in drab mode, so it wasn’t a CD issue or concern. It was just an urge that I felt, almost driven in my need to satisfy my random desire. At the same time, I realized that I had plenty of food at home, and I wasn’t really that hungry. I found myself craving something more.

MORE. I needed more to fill a gaping hole in my psyche. It was inexplicable. I surprised myself with a realization that I was being fooled by my mind into believing I’m not enough. I needed more to be enough.

The problem with the idea of needing more to be enough (much less HAVE enough) is that even when I get the more that I think will satiate me, it still won’t be enough.

Transgender Heaven - Gender Journey

As I was driving, I recognized this fact about myself, even before stopping to get something to eat. I knew I wouldn’t be satisfied with whatever I filled myself with.  The wanting wasn’t in my belly; it was in my mind.

This morning, while I was journaling on being Lorie, which is a constant path of exploration and wonder, I thought about what it might mean to achieve enough as Lorie. Or rather, what it feels like not being enough. Oh… that’s been a theme in my life—not enough. Anyone else feel that one resonating in their bones?

The different areas of exploration we experience in crossdressing popped into my head faster than I could write them down. All the things that make me feel inadequate as I go about my transformation chips away at my confidence. We keep hearing about that confidence factor; when I start to put on my makeup, pick out my clothes, and comb out my wig, it feels as if it’s all stacked up against me. There is a huge magnifying glass hovering over every aspect of my gender expression. And “fake it till you make it” is the only option to turn to.

I wrote down a list of the parts of presenting as a woman where I judge myself harshly and keep striving for MORE. Next to that I wrote down the reason I feel that I need more. This is how my list looks:

I need to be/have:                                       Because I am:

More passable                                                    Not enough

More makeup                                                     Not enough

More often dress                                                Not enough

More people who know                                    Not enough

More sexy                                                            Not enough

More sensibly dressed                                      Not enough

More fashionable                                               Not enough

More tucking                                                       Not enough

More boobs                                                         Not enough

More of “the walk”                                              Not enough

More voice feminization                                    Not enough

More clothes/shoes/jewelry/scarves…            Not enough

 

When will I let go of the Not Enough Syndrome? Can I say that I am enough right here, right now? I am whole and complete? It’s a place where I can start.

I’ve been telling myself that I’m not enough for quite some time. I can’t say I remember anyone telling me that, specifically. I think I’ve been the one telling myself this untruth. I get the sense I’ve used it as a back door to shame myself as to my gender identity—if I didn’t already have enough shame about crossdressing in the past.

How much of this syndrome of Not Enough is a theme of comparing myself to others? There are always people who are ahead of me, and there are always people that I’m farther along than; it doesn’t matter.

I am whole and complete. I am expressing my best—from where I am and from what I know. Most importantly, I’m happy. The feelings within me and shining through, as expressed on my face is what people will notice long before (and after) my clothes, hair, makeup are on, or how I walk. I am whole and complete just the way I am.

I haven’t had decades of practice, and yet, this is natural for me. When I dress, I feel a huge sigh of relief and contentment. I feel alive. I stand taller. I smile much more.

I am whole and complete just the way I am.

I am more than enough.

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Lorie Peace

Since I was 8 I’ve found myself occasionally dressing in girls clothes and loving it. Then I would feel ashamed. About a year ago I decided to embrace it fully, at least in private. Started buying clothes at thrift stores, retail stores, shoes, wig, makeup. I’ve found that I enjoy different points along the spectrum male female, and just seeing what feels right at different times. Sometimes I feel like I’m not “legit” because I’m not full trans, or gay, or bi. Just enjoy genderfluid, or ambi-gender when it happens. It took me months to sign up for cdh, but here I am! I find it fascinating to watch myself through this journey because I've been a life coach for 8 years and I see some of the possibilities for healing as a coach, yet I am dealing with the insecurities and uncertainties and shame that anyone else here might deal with. I'm also grateful that I have this experience to draw on when working with my clients, whatever their gender might be.

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EmilySophie ValcarRoxanne LanyonRose TurnerBettylou Cox Recent comment authors
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*skippy1965(Cynthia)
Ambassador
Active Member

Lori, Your article echoes some of the same themes I wrote about a couple years back https://www.crossdresserheaven.com/its-all-about-me/ ” That prerequisite is that before we can expect others to like and accept us for who we truly are, we have to like and accept OURSELVES for who we are. After all, if I don’t like myself and accept that I am a human being who has intrinsic worth and the right to show the world who I am, then how can I possibly expect OTHERS to see me that way? If I am too timid and afraid to be on the… Read more »

Trisha Kobichenko
Lady
Member

“not enough” is a concept that is not restricted to crossdressing or trans activity. “Not Enough” is a universal concept that is evidenced in the workplace, social engagement, school, religion…and the list goes on. At least in any cultural system I am familiar with, “Not Enough” is the tool that is employed to enforce compliance to established (read ‘desired’) standards of behavior.

Trisha Kobichenko
Lady
Member

and in answer to the question “Can I ever be enough?”…the answer is no, as long as you seek the answer outside of yourself.

Sarah Daniels
Ambassador
Member

Thank you for your well thought out words. I liken this internal struggle to two voices in my head at times. One is the good voice and builds me up when Im down and the other…well thats the one that is always putting me down. The problem is these voices are out of kilter or balance. The good voice is drowned out now by the bad one. And its societies reinforcement of the bad voices point of view that gives this voice more volume. We can never measure up to this voice because it is everything we can never be.… Read more »

janedon
Lady
Member

Ahh Yrs—feeling inadequate—-I think it’s because of societal expectations–fitting In , which means don’t be Different! those with “some power” Punish people for not living up (or down) to their Expectations – -& I’m not just talking about powerful politicians/Bosses /religious leads ect–I’m talking about your neighbors , fellow workers -hell even just people on the street–I’ve been told (behind closed doors) that because I had no religious beliefs I didn’t deserve a promotion –not socializing with the “right” crowd (company events ect can ruin careers–There seems to be a fear of anyone Different–& it’s getting more Extreme lately -I’ve… Read more »

Ashley Parker
Ambassador
Member

Yes, God yes. This has plagued me all my life. I was ignored as a kid and was kind of sickly too. I always felt I had to be something over the top amazing to get any love or praise. When I’m not posting on FB or getting validation in some other way I feel empty and lonely. I love dressing but I also still feel ashamed and like it’s just more evidence that there’s something wrong with me and that I’m unlovable. Thank you so much for this article.

Bettylou Cox
Lady
Active Member

My first though upon reading this was “been there, done that.” And it’s not limited to the CD experience, either. I’m one of those who expect simple perfection in all that I do – an impossible task, which harms my relationships with others, also. I’m slowly learning to “chill out” and accept my (and others’) limitations, but ’tain’t easy. I know I can’t be satisfied with myself until I overcome my makeup and voice issues. Expert tutoring (when I find it) will fix the first, but years of irritation to my vocal chords (No, I never smoked) make a femme… Read more »

Rose Turner
Lady
Member

How much is enough? I have over 100 dresses and 30+ skirts. Get more? Yes. I have bras a plenty. I open a drawer and there’s a bra. Where did they come from? Somewhere. How much is enough? Who knows.The Addiction to wearing these things is wonderful. Contentment yes. Feeling alive is what we all we need to feel. Go girl, GO !!

Roxanne Lanyon
Lady
Member

“Not Enough” is a though that crosses my mind more and more as I age. Years ago, occasionally putting on a skirt, or panties, was quite enough to please me. But now, after being divorved in 2016, and being on my own, without that proverbial “Significant Other”, I find my mind going off into new, uncharted directions. My philosophy now cries for more than pretty clothing. I think about being female, with a truly accepting Significant Other”, or better yet, a “Partner”, to wander these new trails I find myself going down. Yes, I often think about wanting to be… Read more »

Sophie Valcar
Lady
Member

Hi what a great article and i bet that there is a lot of us out there that feel the same as you .when i look at my self in the mirror i think crap i look like a man who is trying to look like a woman and yes i know it take practice but you no what i laugh at myself and try to fixed the problem. i agree with you when you see other ladies that look fantastic and there out living there live and you want the same but you are no way ready for it… Read more »

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