I have recently gone through a big event in my life. Although not linked to my crossdressing, it will no doubt change me. We all have these moments. Sometimes they are big, often small. We see some coming and others hit us out of the blue – and they change us.

I look back across my life and see many points that have changed me. There are the obvious ones, such as marriage, having children and losing loved ones. There are also the subtle ones, those we may not realize until later, but they planted a seed that grew and caused a change in us.

I don’t know why I crossdress; I know I like it, have come to terms with the fact I do it and know it is part of who I am. Jane has certainly changed over the years. She will no doubt continue to change and I, as well as those around me. Those changes will affect all of us.

My crossdressing has been stifled at times, boxed in by the pressures of normal life. I am sure many of us feel this way and wonder where our lives would be without these pressures.

Join Our Community-cdh

Several years ago, I was in a place where my dressing was totally about lingerie. I didn’t care about dresses, shoes, makeup, etc. (I really didn’t know what I was missing). One evening I was in a chat room, and they dared me to go out dressed in public! OMG, me! No way! I initially just brushed it off, but over time, I kept coming back to the “thought” of it, and it worked on my mind, gradually changing me. I broke in the end. A few words said by someone I had never met in person changed me.

What came was my first time out in public. Earlier in my life, this was never even a consideration. The total experience covered a range of emotions in me; fear, excitement, joy, acceptance, and non-acceptance–they were mixed in a blender and served in shot glasses. I knew this would be the case, however I tried to prepare myself for it. What I hadn’t anticipated was the fear I felt afterwards. Not because of what I had just done, but for another reason: self-acceptance. What I had become was not going away, and I most certainly did not want it to. I was so happy being Jane, but still so frightened. Where am I going? What does the future hold? I just didn’t know.

It was at that time I rejoined Crossdresser Heaven. I needed someone to talk to; I needed a connection, as I felt so alone. I believe the majority of us came here because we needed something. Putting it this way can sound quite selfish. Many who have joined this community needed something, but then they have grown to not needing and instead become “givers” (love, guidance, and support.) To those of you, thank you!

I made two friends, the first a very complex girl who had a wonderful poetic way with words. We messaged frequently until her first time out in public. After that, she deleted her account. No goodbye, just gone.

EnFemme

The second girl I felt a real connection with. Someone who I could really relate to, always looking forward to the messages we shared. When she told me about the next step she was taking, it shocked me. Such a big change. I felt out of my depth.

The reason I mention these two girls is important. They are changing too, it’s not just ourselves closed in our own minds. We are in a community who, because of social constraints, have difficult, emotional, life-changing decisions to make. Sometimes we are so “in” ourselves we forget this.

Change and /or Grief?

At the start of this article, I mentioned I had recently had a big event in my life. This was the loss of my father. During a change like this, we feel grief. We also feel grief during other changes in our lives, too. We can also hand out our grief to others. The changes we make in our lives can certainly feel like grief to others.

If you search the internet for grief, you will come across the grief cycle. There are a few out there and I have picked out one below.

1 Shock and denial.
2 Pain and guilt.
3 Anger and bargaining.
4 Depression and loneliness.
5 The upward turn.
6 Reconstruction and working through.
7 Acceptance and hope.

I’m sure you will have read the list and checked them off.

Grief is about loss, and we encounter this many, many times in our lives. We are so often focused on the negative – shock, pain, guilt, loneliness, anger. These are raw, emotional aspects that cloud the decisions we make. They can take us to very dark places that seem impossible to escape.

We need to look at where we want to be to help us come out of these hard times, but also to understand how to get there and how to deal with obstacles in the way. It sounds so businesslike, almost simple. However, we are humans, and our life is full of them, all different, unpredictable, confrontational, judgmental.

For me, I would like to just be me. If I want to dress, I can. I want to be accepted for who I am. This may change. Do I have a path to get there? No. Will I get there? I don’t know.

I wish I could end with some great and inspirational positive ending, but I can’t. I am on a path that is filled with difficult times ahead. However, I remain positive, keeping myself moving forward, little steps. I sense a change in me, a building of confidence and acceptance in who I am. I look at those in my life and see only a few who would not accept me, but the time is not right.

I have mentioned acceptance of myself a few times in this article. This has been vital to getting balance and perspective back in my head. I have been through the grief cycle within myself. Please accept yourself for who you are. You will feel much happier.

Thank you for reading and it would be great to hear the positive stories in your lives.

EnFemme Style

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

More Articles by Jane Plain

    View all articles by Jane PlainTags:
    5 1 vote
    Article Rating
    19 Comments
    Inline Feedbacks
    View all comments
    Vanessa Jones
    Lady
    Active Member
    1 year ago

    Hello Jane,
    Such a wonderful article. I find myself think like thoughts as I too am full of the emotional struggle to be ME. Your article somehow helps me feel not so alone. For that, I thank you.
    All the best on your journey.
    Hugs,
    Vanessa

    Michelle McQueen
    Member
    Michelle McQueen
    1 year ago

    Hello Jane and thanks for sharing such personal information. Losing a parent is very life altering. We are here for you and I hope you remain here no matter how your journey goes because we all need the support of our sisters who are the only ones who can truly understand what we go through. We are not alone.

    Hugs,
    Michelle

    Angela Booth
    Member
    Trusted Member
    1 year ago

    I suppose we start with a loose plan in life then off we go taking the rough with the smooth. In my crossdressing journey it was tough at the start when I had no support and was, in effect, alone. I used that time to start understanding myself which made me a stronger person deciding where I wanted to go. With that strength I began reaching out and found support from others and the journey gathered pace. It was this support that really changed things and in this CDH community we are blessed. Some may get involved and find friends,… Read more »

    Fiona Black
    Baroness
    Trusted Member
    1 year ago

    Jane,

    After reading your article, I feel that your journey will be a successful one. Your approach to dressing is thoughtful, honest and reasonable, all of which will help you wind up in a good place.

    Mona
    Duchess
    Noble Member
    1 year ago

    Dear Jane,

    Thank you for this wonderful article. By sharing your own story, you have managed to convey both the highs and lows so many of us struggle with on our own journeys. I wish you all the best on yours. Hugs, Mona

    Kerri Smith
    Lady
    Trusted Member
    1 year ago

    Jane,
    Thank you for thought provoking article. I also am going through major changes in my life. I lost my father in 2009 and the grief has mellowed into fond memories. My wife of 36 years left me and our divorce is almost complete. My lawyer urged me to embrace the rest of my life, and I wonder what that will be. Do I want to have another relationship with a woman, or will I become a lonely recluse? Time will tell but I love your and others stories. Good luck in your future.

    Lucinda Hawkns
    Lady
    Trusted Member
    1 year ago

    wow such a great post and so true. thanks for sharing. i have been the same way ever since i was in a school play had to wear tights i was hooked from there on. hiding it for years and on and off. now on most of the time but when i can for we have a 24-year-old still at home. wife knows and getting better at my dressing up i lost my my parents in 2013 then lost our 1 son just last year at 33 years old from brain cancer it will be tough this Xmas coming up.… Read more »

    Last edited 1 year ago by Lucinda Hawkns
    Lucinda Hawkns
    Lady
    Trusted Member
    1 year ago
    Reply to  Jane Plain

    thank you and i will always keep my parents and our son in our hearts and soul and never forget them. have a great Holiday Lucinda

    Nicole Fenders
    Lady
    Member
    1 year ago

    Oh my gosh Jane you have such a gift for writing. I am so so sorry for your loss. Especially at this time of year which lets face it…amplifies it. It is my fervent hope that many of us…it will never be all of us bc were up against human nature here…that many of us are sincerely…openly honestly here for you in this your time of loss and sorrow.

    Dorothy Brinson
    Lady
    Active Member
    1 year ago

    Hello Jane. Beautiful Article. I am so sorry for the loss of your Dad. I know How dealing with grief can take a toll on our lives. I have lost both of my parents and my brother. I to have gone through changes in my life. Being a survivor of cancer. Not once but twice. Since my battles with cancer. I have become more open to close friends and family about my Cross Dressing. Some good and some negative. I have to be myself. I have a loving and supportive wife of 34 years. I don’t know where I would… Read more »

    19
    0
    Would love your thoughts, please comment.x
    ()
    x
    Subscribe To Our Newsletter

    Subscribe To Our Newsletter

    Join our mailing list to receive the latest news and updates from Crossdresser Heaven.

    You have Successfully Subscribed!

    Log in with your credentials

    Forgot your details?