I have recently gone through a big event in my life. Although not linked to my crossdressing, it will no doubt change me. We all have these moments. Sometimes they are big, often small. We see some coming and others hit us out of the blue – and they change us.
I look back across my life and see many points that have changed me. There are the obvious ones, such as marriage, having children and losing loved ones. There are also the subtle ones, those we may not realize until later, but they planted a seed that grew and caused a change in us.
I don’t know why I crossdress; I know I like it, have come to terms with the fact I do it and know it is part of who I am. Jane has certainly changed over the years. She will no doubt continue to change and I, as well as those around me. Those changes will affect all of us.
My crossdressing has been stifled at times, boxed in by the pressures of normal life. I am sure many of us feel this way and wonder where our lives would be without these pressures.
Several years ago, I was in a place where my dressing was totally about lingerie. I didn’t care about dresses, shoes, makeup, etc. (I really didn’t know what I was missing). One evening I was in a chat room, and they dared me to go out dressed in public! OMG, me! No way! I initially just brushed it off, but over time, I kept coming back to the “thought” of it, and it worked on my mind, gradually changing me. I broke in the end. A few words said by someone I had never met in person changed me.
What came was my first time out in public. Earlier in my life, this was never even a consideration. The total experience covered a range of emotions in me; fear, excitement, joy, acceptance, and non-acceptance–they were mixed in a blender and served in shot glasses. I knew this would be the case, however I tried to prepare myself for it. What I hadn’t anticipated was the fear I felt afterwards. Not because of what I had just done, but for another reason: self-acceptance. What I had become was not going away, and I most certainly did not want it to. I was so happy being Jane, but still so frightened. Where am I going? What does the future hold? I just didn’t know.
It was at that time I rejoined Crossdresser Heaven. I needed someone to talk to; I needed a connection, as I felt so alone. I believe the majority of us came here because we needed something. Putting it this way can sound quite selfish. Many who have joined this community needed something, but then they have grown to not needing and instead become “givers” (love, guidance, and support.) To those of you, thank you!
I made two friends, the first a very complex girl who had a wonderful poetic way with words. We messaged frequently until her first time out in public. After that, she deleted her account. No goodbye, just gone.
The second girl I felt a real connection with. Someone who I could really relate to, always looking forward to the messages we shared. When she told me about the next step she was taking, it shocked me. Such a big change. I felt out of my depth.
The reason I mention these two girls is important. They are changing too, it’s not just ourselves closed in our own minds. We are in a community who, because of social constraints, have difficult, emotional, life-changing decisions to make. Sometimes we are so “in” ourselves we forget this.
Change and /or Grief?
At the start of this article, I mentioned I had recently had a big event in my life. This was the loss of my father. During a change like this, we feel grief. We also feel grief during other changes in our lives, too. We can also hand out our grief to others. The changes we make in our lives can certainly feel like grief to others.
If you search the internet for grief, you will come across the grief cycle. There are a few out there and I have picked out one below.
1 Shock and denial.
2 Pain and guilt.
3 Anger and bargaining.
4 Depression and loneliness.
5 The upward turn.
6 Reconstruction and working through.
7 Acceptance and hope.
I’m sure you will have read the list and checked them off.
Grief is about loss, and we encounter this many, many times in our lives. We are so often focused on the negative – shock, pain, guilt, loneliness, anger. These are raw, emotional aspects that cloud the decisions we make. They can take us to very dark places that seem impossible to escape.
We need to look at where we want to be to help us come out of these hard times, but also to understand how to get there and how to deal with obstacles in the way. It sounds so businesslike, almost simple. However, we are humans, and our life is full of them, all different, unpredictable, confrontational, judgmental.
For me, I would like to just be me. If I want to dress, I can. I want to be accepted for who I am. This may change. Do I have a path to get there? No. Will I get there? I don’t know.
I wish I could end with some great and inspirational positive ending, but I can’t. I am on a path that is filled with difficult times ahead. However, I remain positive, keeping myself moving forward, little steps. I sense a change in me, a building of confidence and acceptance in who I am. I look at those in my life and see only a few who would not accept me, but the time is not right.
I have mentioned acceptance of myself a few times in this article. This has been vital to getting balance and perspective back in my head. I have been through the grief cycle within myself. Please accept yourself for who you are. You will feel much happier.
Thank you for reading and it would be great to hear the positive stories in your lives.