Hello to all the fantastic ladies that live inside this beautiful platform.
I ask for your patience and understanding as I ramble on a bit about a topic that has been on my mind. I have been grappling with my feelings about meeting and possibly even dating men. The more I have been gravitating towards womanhood, the stronger those feelings have become. I could see myself with a boyfriend or maybe even something deeper. I’m definitely attracted to men.
It started many years ago, as a much younger version of myself when crossdressing was more of a fantasy or a fetish. The thought of being in women’s clothing was exciting and exhilarating enough. I remember the thrill when I wore a dress or skirt, a bra with a pair of sexy thigh highs, and heels, even though I was clueless as to what I was doing. Looking at myself in a mirror, woke the feelings inside that I was probably repressing most of my life.
It led me to want to know more, to learn more, and to try new things more. At the time, I was functioning as a heterosexual male dating women but could feel this other side of my brain constantly knocking on the door of femininity asking to enter. Confusing, conflicting, OMG yes, to say the least! No matter how much I tried to put those feelings in a closet, no pun intended, they were always there, and like my shadow, whispered into my ear asking to surface.
Six years ago, in 2015, I was living part-time in New York for work and mostly alone. Well, that’s when I went crazy and started shopping. I learned about makeup, hair, nails, and overall beauty. After a while, I felt comfortable enough to go out on very selected occasions to test the crossdressing social scene waters (meeting some like-minded people and so forth.) I went to the Stonewall Inn a few times as well. It was heaven, just like this place. I hadn’t considering transitioning yet, but my mind began to broach the option.
What would it be like to go on a date dressed as a woman? I was too afraid to try, but the questioning never faded either. So, I relegated myself to simply dressing up, applying makeup, watching YouTube videos on how women walk, carry themselves, and to gather up beauty tips, etc. This was my life for a couple of years or so.
Then in 2018, back in SoCal, things returned back to normal, and my transformations were limited. They needed to be planned out as friends and family were unaware of my lifestyle. Most of my wardrobe that had been collected in NY was gone. I still had a few pieces to dress up with, and still, that question kept poking at me.
In the latter part of 2019, I decided to take a chance and go on a date with a guy. It felt freeing that I had finally committed to exploring this possibility! Where do I start? What is my type? What am I looking for in a guy? It was harder than I thought. We understand that most men tend to start with physical appearance and then emotional attraction, whereas women tend to value other qualities first like chemistry, humor, and sensitivity before the physical part.
I found myself thinking along those same lines. I’m not sure if you ladies have done this, but I started studying guys all the time to see what attributes they had and if I was attracted to them. Tall, short, athletic, stocky, older, younger, cocky, humble… I jumped on a few CD dating sites. I was disappointed that they were mostly about “Hook-ups” and singular desired focuses. I could write another article about the men on those sites and their fantasies with girls like us? It drove me back to a self-relegation for not spending hours to get ready for a 15 minute, non emotionally rendezvous; it definitely was not appealing.
Then COVID, ugh, everything came to a grinding halt and my notion had to be shelved. It was disheartening to finally get enough courage to put myself out there only to have a global pandemic dismantle my aspirations. It did, however, gave me time to reflect.
As we find some sense of normalcy, I can start anew. Yet, I’m still faced with the same dilemma, how does a girl go about meeting a nice guy that is comfortable with me on his arm while we walk down the street to a movie or restaurant? I’m not naive, I know that the whole “passable” issue looms large in this conversation, but I hope it’s not an impassable gauntlet that kills any chances of happiness. Men are weird about this stuff, I get it. If regular women struggle, is there any hope for girls like us?
This is the first time in my life that I’ve felt comfortable airing my feelings and exposing my heart. It’s a testament to the women here who have made me feel like a family member that I can bare my soul and know that I will receive honest and loving feedback.
As my girl, Gwen Stefani says, “I’m just a girl, little ‘ol me, guess I’m some kind of freak cause they sit and stare with their eyes”
Just looking for a good man who wants to hold my hand.
Brianna Rose ❤️