Coming Full Circle

First, my real, legal name is now Breanna Leigh West, I used the name Brenda for many years but decided to change it for a fresh start when I went to court to legally change my name. Unfortunately, the website does not allow us to change our user names so please, accept my apologies if there is any confusion. Now, I knew when I was just 5 years old that I was a girl in a boy's body, but when I told my parents, they did not understand and scolded me for wearing the neighbor girls dress. By the time I was 15 years old, I was fully transforming myself into a girl on a regular basis. I felt much more comfortable presenting as a female and had no male interests and few friends. I would dress up and walk around my neighborhood after dark and eventually, my parents caught me en femme and sent me to a psychiatrist, thinking I was becoming a "Sexual deviate". The psychiatrist was an older man who also had a negative, stereotypical attitude about people like me supporting my parents narrow minded thinking. I was placed on medication and forced into counseling sessions that never went well for me. I was told by my parents that it I continued my behavior I would become a transvestite child molester. What a thing to say to a very confused, young kid with gender issues and not sexual issues!! I knew I liked girls but I was very curious about boy's and often fantasized about them. Eventually I lied to my parents, telling them it was only a phase and that I was cured. It was just what they wanted to hear and I was able to stop the medication and counseling sessions. I learned a lesson, be descrite!!! I bought my first car at 16 and started accumulating a new female wardrobe, keeping it in a box in the trunk of my car. I soon started going to XXX Movie theaters & bookstores where I found that there were men who liked young, cute, feminine CD's like me. Next was gay and CD bars using a fake ID since the drinking age was 18, where I began experimenting with sex with all genders. I moved out of my parents home in Michigan moving to Florida where my cross dressing soon became living full time as a girl. I always had low testosterone levels so I could not grow facial hair until I was about 25. My thick, blond, long, curly hair had grow to my butt and was styled very feminine and my body was small. I easily passed as a girl and loved going to clubs with my then transexual girlfriend who accepted me as I was. We loved wearing tight, short dresses with heels, hitting the dance floor watching all the guys drool over my girlfriend and I. We had a lot of fun and my sexual experimentation became more intense All good things come to an end and we eventually broke up leaving me lonely and broken hearted. So I started hitting straight bars near my house looking for fun and I met a cute guy who showed interest in me. Us trans girls often go with anyone who shows us attention, even when we know we shouldn't!! I ended up going with him to a old house back in the Florida swamps where 3 men beat me to within inches of my life. When the beating ended my skull was cracked open, nose and jaw broken, broken ribs and right arm, my pelvis was cracked and my right lung punctured and collapsed due to a stab wound. They dumped my lifeless body in tall weeds next to the bar making it look like I got jumped leaving the bar. A young couple found me and called the police and I can still remember hearing the cop say, " Dressed like that, he got what he desearved". I spent a couple weeks in the hospital and moved back to my parents house in Michigan where the rule was, no dressing as a girl. I decided during this time to run and put my all into being a tough male so I would never get beat up again. Anger, alcohol, drugs testosterone and steroids fueled my male life. I had purged, cut my hair and started living as a male. I started lifting weights and quickly began injecting testosterone and steroids to build muscle mass. With all the hormones racing thru my body I also became very aggressive and started getting into bar fights often times beating the hell out of some poor guy for no reason. My misery introduced me to heroin and we had an intense relationship for several years. After some time I settled into a comfortable life of shooting dope and alcoholism. I was very big and defined and was recruited to join a local motorcycle club, which I did. . I made a lot of poor decisions during this time in my life not understanding why I felt so miserable I really thought the whole girl thing was behind me, knowing all the time that she was there tugging at me. I eventually met my life partner, Nancy, who turned out to be my Savior Angel!! She Loved me so deeply, never passing judgement on me or placing unreal expectations to be anything but myself. We ended up moving to Arizona for a fresh start where I opened my plumbing business, bought and played for my house and all seemed to be going well for us, until, we found Nancy had terminal liver disease. It was about this time I came across CDH and met some great Marie's who helped me sort out some questions I had for myself regarding my past cross dressing. So I told Nancy about my past and my desire to th again to see if I could again pass as a woman. We went shopping and within two weeks I was going out both with Nancy and by myself. Everything was happening so quickly and I decided I should see a gender therapist to sort things out, and did I !!! I finally came to terms with the fact that my original feeling at age 5 was right, I should have been born a girl. So Much time wasted!!! And I cannot get it back!! All because my parents, and society did not understand what a trans person was when I grew up. But I cannot harbor any anger or resentment, there has been far too much of that already!! What I can say is that I finally found peace within myself And, I now live, work and dress as a girl!!! I never found the act of cross dressing sexually gratifying in itself, looking back, it was an expression of who I was. So, I don't consider myself a cross dresser any longer. I am a pre op transsexual woman who is on HR T and very soon to have breast augmentation to replace my tiny boobs created by hormone therapy I recently lost my life partner, Nancy, who lost her battle to liver cancer in the end. I admit, my heart is broken as she was my complete family and support system, always supporting me to express my authentic self and not live a lie. But this time will pass and a whole new chapter in my life now begins. I know people are afraid of rejection but to hide your cross dressing from your spouse only creates the appearance of deception which brings rejection!! Honesty is the answer ladie's and if someone requires that you live a lie and not fully express yourself, I don't think that is a healthy relationship. People tend to stay in unhealthy relationships out of insecurity and fear, two terrible, very negative emotions to live by, I know!!! So, Now, I live alone with Jasper, my beautiful, little Shih Zue dog in my home and run my plumbing shop and do nails as a woman from my home. I live, work and dress as a woman 24/7, 365 days a year. I am now happy expressing myself, I am pleasant and respectful to others. I am very social, able to speak to anyone and everyone without coming across like a lion. Female hormones have done a lot to "calm me down", but I too played a big part in my transition. Girls, in my experience, Confidence is the key to passing as a female!!, Make up, clothing, your mannerisms and walk are secondary. You Must be confident!! Because someone helped me I volunteer, free of charge to help anyone with any problem they may be facing as trans or CD woman. I have both college and worked as a inpatient therapist and can help with most issues. However, I am not a replacement for a professional gender therapist. I have successfully helped several girls by phone and in person from the site, so don't be shy, just ask.