As I read thru several articles written by the members of the website I realize how much pain so many gals have felt over the years because of their desire to dress in feminine clothing. There are also words of joy, confidence and success by those who have been able to say: “I am what I am and I don’t care what they think.” I realize what a safe haven this site is, a refuge for those born with the desire to dress as their opposite sex and/or those born into the wrong body.
I myself was born a boy to homophobic parents who thought I was mentally handicapped when I got caught dressed as a girl. I love wearing women’s clothes! In my teens, just looking at myself dolled up in the mirror I got a thrill feeling all the Silk and Lace. I used to think how lucky girls were to be able to wear such pretty things while boys got the nothing look. In my 20’s I found myself wanting to be like pretty women, to wear make-up, heels and outfits the way they did. I fantasized about dressing up very sexy and getting all the looks and attention from the guys, while the genetic women looked in envy.
During that time I still used sexual gratification as a way to get my SO of the time to accept my dressing up. This is when my SO also named me Brenda, or affectionately Bren. Yet I was always very afraid my true feelings of wanting to be a girl would be found out. So I kept my real feelings locked tightly deep inside where no one could find out about the real me. By then alcohol and drugs were a part of my life, anything to numb the pain. After a couple of failed relationships I eventually purged Brenda from my life and became a beer drinking, bar fighting, outlaw biker. I was determined I would prove to myself that I was a man. I finally gained my father’s respect and in time I thought I outgrew my desires to dress up.
During this period in my life I met my present SO of 18 yrs. She’s the woman I fell in love with, the one who held my hand when I struggled with addiction. The one who slept in the back of a van in the winter because I screwed up our money. The one who now enjoys my success in business. She is now terminally ill, in fact I ‘m taking her tomorrow to see if she’s a candidate for an organ transplant. We have battled her disease for 10 yrs and I’ve stood in her corner the whole time, always providing emotional & financial support. This experience has brought back the desire for Brenda, not as a means of sexual release, but instead as an expression of the warm, tender, loving and compassionate emotion she so easily shared. I feel a real need to bring Brenda back into my life and wish I felt confident to tell my SO about her. I have worked so hard over the last 18 yrs to change myself, but it always comes back to my feminine desire. Am I a woman in a man’s body? Am I a sissy? I know I love being with women, but I also want to be one. Why? And what a time for Brenda to come knocking on the door. Yet, am I not entitled to fulfillment and happiness before I get too old?
So many questions. I am just so happy that I found this website; if I hadn’t, I don’t know what I would do. Thanks for listening….Tags: accepting yourself crossdressing acceptance Gender Identity