What a week! After going on a ski trip with friends and badly injuring my leg (no high heels for the next two months 😱), I finally decided to come out to a select group of people outside my wife and this group.
My first person to go to was my older brother. For some background, he is in the arts and is in a more queer/LGBTQ+ community. I’m in a more “traditional” and male dominated industry. So I knew he would be a safe start but I was still nervous as we have different backgrounds.
It turns out it was more than safe. He was very patient with my explanation and told me he also considers himself a heterosexual cross-dresser/gender fluid individual! We had so much to talk about and compared notes on so many similarities in experiences even though we work in different fields and locations. We did talk a lot about dealing with family and friends and how to approach our mother. We also compared notes about growing up in the 80s and 90s and how things have changed so much. I did get a little giggle when he said how surprised he was at how well I have “hidden” Jamie all these years.
We related to a lot of similar experiences, including trying to find our “identification” and also Impostor Syndrome. Even in his field and being in a more accepting community, I was surprised to hear how he some times gets negative reactions. I guess in some people’s mind, people born male who are attracted to women are only allowed to be “cisgender.” Thankfully, more and more people are identifying and accepting gender fluidity and cross dressing.
A few words of wisdom I gained from the conversation:
- There are toxic people in every industry and group. Toxic people exist in the LGBTQ+ or liberal community just as in a more conservative community. Don’t let them get to you. We aren’t going to please everyone and that’s okay.
- Be yourself. Wear what you want to wear and let others deal with it. We don’t need to make it a big deal. Most people are actually supportive or too much into themselves to really notice. This mantra can also help with “coming out” conversations.
- Don’t over think it. Coming out to friends and family is frightening but that’s mainly in our heads. Most people are surprisingly accepting. Similar themes as above, but we discuss talking to friends and family about it and the pressure and concern is more internal than external. While we don’t want to make it a big deal, just having a straightforward and honest conversation is the way to go.
- Don’t worry too much about the labels. Crossing-dresser or gender fluid? Probably both, but we do belong. There are so many labels now to describe oneself and it can be hard to pin point some times. The feeling of “imposter syndrome” (being heterosexual male in a more queer environment) is real, but again that’s more internal than external.
- Acknowledge the struggle of others. We are going through our own feelings and can get wrapped up in our own lives. But other folks, particularly trans people, are going through harder times (particularly now with the politics in the USA). While we wake up to ourselves, we need to be supportive of other people in the LGBTQ+ community or other marginalized groups.
As I type this, some of this seems so obvious but it was great to hear it from another family member. I know it is hard but I encourage you to strive to have similar conversations with others in your life — be it a sibling, friend, parent, or someone else you feel safe with. It was a great conversation.
Next up, I’m building the courage now to talk with my other sibling and some co-workers. I’m still trying to figure my path with my mother and eventually my teenage children. My brother offered some good tips and I plan on getting there. I’m no longer taking baby steps but each step is a new adventure.
Get out there ladies and be loved!
~Jamie
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- Coming Out Bit by Bit - April 1, 2025
To finish last post. I have been ghosted so much I have a following now. 😄 I stop to any and all strangers. I do talk a lot, people are amazed how much I listen too. I do things they were told not to. My goal every day is make people smile and for that fleeting moment all their cares and problems disappear. My other goal is to leave earth better than I found it. It slips my memory who said this? Google search “A living tourch." I want to personally thank this site, I may get more people ghosting… Read more »