Hi everyone! I originally wrote this for the members of TGH, but wanted to share it here too. If you want my backstory, please visit my profile. This is the story of what happened when I visited my daughter and her bride in Maryland over President’s Day weekend and came out to her.
I’m in my 4th month of spironolactone (25% drop in total T so far) and I started estradiol last week. I have been a closeted CD for almost my entire life, with stints of activity interspersed with purges that lasted for several years or more. I always felt awkward as a boy and man, and never felt at ease or like I fit in. I had difficulty dating, mostly because of my shyness and terror that someone would find out I liked women’s clothes and wished sometimes that I could have been born female.
I eventually married and we have one grown daughter that will turn 30 this summer. I can’t believe so much time has passed! My wife and I passed our 40th year together last August. It was only a month earlier that I finally revealed this side of me. We are struggling to come to terms with it and how to stay together. Since our daughter was getting married to her long-term partner (a couple for four years) in November, we elected to wait until I was about to start estrogen to tell her that dad is a transwoman.
I spent several weeks after the holidays trying to figure out how (and how much) to tell her. We picked President’s Day weekend so there would be time to discuss what questions she might have. My wife and I both had a bullet-point list of things to say, but I just kept my face down. My approach changed after we all went to dinner the first night. Both the girls talked about volunteering and giving back to the community. My daughter said she might like to work with seniors who are LGBTQ because they are so isolated. Her wife added how sad it is that people of my generation feel like they have to hide who they really are. Bingo! That’s my intro!
The next morning my wife, daughter, and I sat down to talk. Using the previous night’s discussion as a starting point, I asked my girl what she would say if I told her I am in that group and on HRT to transition. Of course, she did a double-take, but then said she supported me 100%. I figured she would. She had two obvious concerns: my wife and our marriage being okay, and my personal safety. We assured her we are trying to stay together and I am looking after my safety.
The funny part of this is she said she got a text from me a few months ago with a picture of me en femme! I must have accidentally had her on a text of a photo I sent to my wife. She had thought it may have been a joke or a WhatsApp thing and didn’t say anything. She was waiting for me to bring it up! So all the delay and anxiety of planning my reveal was pretty much for nothing (giggle).
But it did take the shock out of it, so not a bad thing. My wife expressed how incredibly hard this is for her – to see her husband fading away and a strange transwoman beginning to emerge that she never knew, didn’t marry, and doesn’t trust much. We said we have four options: stay together as a married couple (my hope), stay together but be roommates, live apart but stay married for economic reasons, or divorce (our worst-case option, we think).
So, my easiest conversation has started, but many more difficult ones still loom like shadowy specters, haunting me and threatening to steal the joy of transitioning. Additionally, the marriage hangs by a thread of love and closeness built over 41 years together. That thread can break at any time. Still, I don’t have a plan B. Only a threat to my health would make me okay with stopping HRT. I would be disappointed, but I can live with that. Stopping because someone else objects is not okay with me, because then I am denying my own identity in order to make someone else feel better. My wife understands that and is supportive, but for exactly the same reasons, can she be a wife to a transwoman? Only time will tell…
More Articles by Brielle
- My New Name
- Pittsburgh Trans Pride Swim Party
- I Found Myself at 66 Years of Age
- MY WEEK AT THE 2022 KEYSTONE CONFERENCE
- First Time Out in Public!
Hi Brielle Thank you for writing such a moving article, I’m so pleased for you that your daughter and her partner are very accepting of you. Coming out to our loved ones especially after decades of hiding is the hardest thing we can ever do. but as we get older we get tired of the secrecy and lies eating away at us and with an increasing need to be who we truly are, coming out is the only option. No one knows how it will turn out? some are very fortunate with accepting partners where as others it can end… Read more »
Moving article, you should be so very proud of yourself for being true and honest to yourself and loved ones. I know the sisterhood on here is very proud of you. Xx
Thanks so much Krissy! I don’t know if I would have had the courage to move forward but for the support here and on TGH.
XOXO
Brie
I just had to as it was tearing me apart and I had to move forward as im not getting any younger and I have to live the way I want to live. Yes cdh has and is a huge support to me too. X
Thank you Brielle for sharing your experience to “coming out as a trans woman” to your daughter and how your wife is processing your revelation.. I wish your love and closeness with her will not break the “thread” that you have together for 41 years… I wish you all the best and health in your journey.. you are an inspiration in accepting your true self especially for those, including myself, who are on the fence expressing the woman within. Please keep us informed of your journey as you have the support of your friends here at CDH and TGH thank… Read more »
A lovely account Brielle and it would have been strange if your daughter reacted any differently. However the biggest challenge will be with your wife, you highlighted her views on this. I hope that your relationship survives the challenges ahead.
Honey u look fine so keep on smiling. My daughter went the opposite direction. So bless her for her accepting mind.
Hi Vicki, I’m sorry if your daughter was not accepting of you. That must be so hard. It’s been hard enough to feel like I’ve let my wife down, so to speak, but if both my wife and daughter both were less than enthusiastic I don’t know what I’d do.
Hugs,
Brie
HI Brille thank you for this wonderful article, I still have not come out to my children, as my wife doesn’t think it is time yet. to read you story just gives me hope for the future.
Hugs Paula
Hi Paula, my therapist says that we all come out when we are ready. My time is now, yours will come, GF!
Hugs,
Brie
Great story Brielle. Coming out to close family can be hard. I didn’t have that problem. When I accidently let my X find out the first thing she did was to tell our 3 grown kid, the next thing she did was threatened to tell my 4 brothers. I think I am in a good place with my 2 daughters, my son I don’t know for sure. As for my brothers, so as not to have this threat hanging over me I told them myself. For 3 of my brothers seems like it is no big deal, the 4th don’t… Read more »
Brielle, I’m so happy for you and the response you received from your daughter. On the flip side, I’m saddened by the tenuous nature of your 40+ year marriage. I pray for scenario 1 or 2, for both yours and your wife’s sake. As many members, myself included, are “senior” married men, this is the most difficult situation we face as we yearn to express our feminine sides. Especially when we discover and accept it when we are so far along in our marital relationships. Not many of us even realize that part of ourselves in our twenties, when we… Read more »
Hi Raquel, thank you for your caring and concern. It’s just day to day right now. We were in a good place for most of the week, but now not so much. My wife wants me to engage, but I can tell by her attitude she is keeping me at a distance unless I’m in drab, so it’s hard to break through. I love her and have affection for her that is unconditional; I just want the same in return. We’ll struggle through. I have Keystone next week so she’ll have a week to herself. I just hope I can… Read more »
Hi Brielle! First off, thank you for writing such an article. It can be difficult to bare one’s soul in a public forum. Second, I love your dress! I told one daughter I CD (not transitioning), she couldn’t have cared less. It simply was no big deal to her. I told my other daughter (I have 3, all grown) and she asked a lot of questions, and said she loved me, no matter who or what I am. The third daughter went off the rails. She is very religious and has decided I must be the spawn of Satan or… Read more »
Hi Kristen, my daughter and her wife are very well-suited to each other also. We love them both and they are such great young women!
Hugs,
Brie
First, if looks were everything, you have it made. You are gorgeous!
You are blessed to have a wonderful daughter. And at least a wife that didn’t run to the townspeople to get their pitchforks. I hope it goes well with you. At least that the worst case doesn’t happen. I am contemplating telling my wife. I fear it’s the last straw in our troubled marriage. My kids will disown me. No doubt.
But you are living the dream. Keep that cute smile. You are going places.
Gwyn
Hi Gwyneth, I appreciate your kind words and complements so much! I did think my wife would leave last summer. If not with the crossdressing, then with the transitioning plans. Please don’t sell your kids short. If they are less than 40 years old, they have been accustomed to being more affirming of people that don’t fit the “Ozzy and Harriet" mold (I’m really aging myself here, aren’t I?) It’s funny, I was just talking to my gender therapist about never fitting in growing up and it seems like for the most part Brielle more than fits in! I wouldn’t… Read more »