Hi everyone! I originally wrote this for the members of TGH, but wanted to share it here too. If you want my backstory, please visit my profile. This is the story of what happened when I visited my daughter and her bride in Maryland over President’s Day weekend and came out to her.
I’m in my 4th month of spironolactone (25% drop in total T so far) and I started estradiol last week. I have been a closeted CD for almost my entire life, with stints of activity interspersed with purges that lasted for several years or more. I always felt awkward as a boy and man, and never felt at ease or like I fit in. I had difficulty dating, mostly because of my shyness and terror that someone would find out I liked women’s clothes and wished sometimes that I could have been born female.
I eventually married and we have one grown daughter that will turn 30 this summer. I can’t believe so much time has passed! My wife and I passed our 40th year together last August. It was only a month earlier that I finally revealed this side of me. We are struggling to come to terms with it and how to stay together. Since our daughter was getting married to her long-term partner (a couple for four years) in November, we elected to wait until I was about to start estrogen to tell her that dad is a transwoman.
I spent several weeks after the holidays trying to figure out how (and how much) to tell her. We picked President’s Day weekend so there would be time to discuss what questions she might have. My wife and I both had a bullet-point list of things to say, but I just kept my face down. My approach changed after we all went to dinner the first night. Both the girls talked about volunteering and giving back to the community. My daughter said she might like to work with seniors who are LGBTQ because they are so isolated. Her wife added how sad it is that people of my generation feel like they have to hide who they really are. Bingo! That’s my intro!
The next morning my wife, daughter, and I sat down to talk. Using the previous night’s discussion as a starting point, I asked my girl what she would say if I told her I am in that group and on HRT to transition. Of course, she did a double-take, but then said she supported me 100%. I figured she would. She had two obvious concerns: my wife and our marriage being okay, and my personal safety. We assured her we are trying to stay together and I am looking after my safety.
The funny part of this is she said she got a text from me a few months ago with a picture of me en femme! I must have accidentally had her on a text of a photo I sent to my wife. She had thought it may have been a joke or a WhatsApp thing and didn’t say anything. She was waiting for me to bring it up! So all the delay and anxiety of planning my reveal was pretty much for nothing (giggle).
But it did take the shock out of it, so not a bad thing. My wife expressed how incredibly hard this is for her – to see her husband fading away and a strange transwoman beginning to emerge that she never knew, didn’t marry, and doesn’t trust much. We said we have four options: stay together as a married couple (my hope), stay together but be roommates, live apart but stay married for economic reasons, or divorce (our worst-case option, we think).
So, my easiest conversation has started, but many more difficult ones still loom like shadowy specters, haunting me and threatening to steal the joy of transitioning. Additionally, the marriage hangs by a thread of love and closeness built over 41 years together. That thread can break at any time. Still, I don’t have a plan B. Only a threat to my health would make me okay with stopping HRT. I would be disappointed, but I can live with that. Stopping because someone else objects is not okay with me, because then I am denying my own identity in order to make someone else feel better. My wife understands that and is supportive, but for exactly the same reasons, can she be a wife to a transwoman? Only time will tell…
More Articles by Brielle
- My New Name
- Pittsburgh Trans Pride Swim Party
- I Found Myself at 66 Years of Age
- MY WEEK AT THE 2022 KEYSTONE CONFERENCE
- First Time Out in Public!
Brielle, thank you so much for writing this article. I wish you all the best, really hope the marriage works out and both of you can be happy. Xo, Nina
Hi Nina, it’s just taking it a day at a time. She is such a wonderful woman and I can’t imagine life without her fully in it.
Wow talk about a best-case scenario. “My daughter said she might like to work with seniors who are LGBTQ because they are so isolated." What a perfect opening. Congrats!
Thank you, Jessica. Yes it was a good weekend indeed!
Can she be a wife to a transwoman? Let’s put that into perspective. If she can’t, then the shoe is on your foot. Are you willing to let your wife go based on your personal needs? I’m not trying to make you sound selfish. But that’s the bottom line to all of this, right? Your needs, not hers. Is your needs worth being alone for what could be the rest of your life. With only friends to give you friendly support. I’m saying this out of experience. Looking back now, my ex was supportive of the occasional CDing. But I… Read more »
Hi Michelle, that’s been one of my big dilemmas all along. Should I bury my feelings and discomfort with myself and still not be a fit husband, or be true to myself even if it causes pain to my wife? I’ve been on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds for decades, and my therapist has recently confirmed what I’ve suspected for a long time. I am on the edges of the Autism spectrum, which hurts me picking up on social cues, making friends, etc. That has led us to not have many social contacts and made my wife even more isolated than… Read more »
My turning point was realizing that being fem was the addiction. Everything that followed were side effects of the addiction. Divorce, loneliness and having to start over passed 50yrs old.
Hi Michelle, I’m so sorry that you went through that. I surely don’t like the prospect of starting over approaching 70.
Yeah, it has a way of kicking you in the butt. You think it’s all worth it. The grass is going to be greener, kind of thing. “I’m going to be free." yadda yadda yadda. Afterwards for me, it was one of those “What was I thinking," things. But like I said, that’s what I went through. You may be happily divorced.
Wow Brie, you are so full of grace, wisdom and compassion!!! I’m glad I got to meet you.I can easily picture you at next year’s Keystone convention presenting a workshop to help so many of us who are swimming in the swift and deep waters of trying to keep the one we most love in life. I wish you complete peace Brielle Ross… Bev
Thanks, Beverly, it may be a workshop on “do as I say, not as I do" (giggle). I have made so many mistakes with this. My wife is such an incredible person for putting up with me. We are just trying to take things as they come, and we won’t ever be adversarial. I’m so sad for others who have been less fortunate than I in that respect. We shouldn’t have to choose between our need to be authentic and family or friends that can’t deal with us. But, sadly, society still thinks gender and genetic sex are the same… Read more »
Michelle, I’d like to have a go at replying to you, though I don’t want to say anything to add to what is already a lot of pain you’re suffering. My aim is merely to bring a little balm to you. Your wife has needs. But so do you. You are entitled to fulfil yourself as much as is reasonably possible, so long as you do not harm others. And, if you are someone who has a feminine side who enjoys wearing women’s clothes, make-up etc., it is reasonable for you to find a way of expressing and indulging that.… Read more »
Hi Grace, i write this in the pub at the Keystone Conference hotel . spent a couple of hours helping assemble the attendee welcome packets and making a few new GFs. I drove over from Pittsburgh, about 4 hours away. i have no guy clothes and it has already been an amazing trip. I was probably a little too dramatic with my post and replies. My therapist has only been seeing me since July. We’ve been addressing the gender dysphoria primarily but now we’re diving deeper into how i got to this point. I’ve had a few psych providers during… Read more »
I did find someone to help me get over all that. It was myself. Turns out, my addiction to being fem was just that. An addiction. The side effects was divorce, loneliness and Rx drugs. The cure was stop allowing my wants (not actual needs) to control me. To realize they were wants and not needs. And to realize that if I continued, I’d lose a lot more important things. Considering what I’d already lost and what I had left to lose, the decision was easy. I just wished I’d made it a lot sooner when the one that loved… Read more »
A couple of things. First, I only thought I was “entitled" to dress in fem. When in all actuality, I wasn’t. Because I’d made a commitment to my wife, as a man and to be a man. To be manly. To remain the man that she married. I was the one responsible for breaking that commitment. That was on me. I didn’t even bother seeing things from her perspective. What would have I done, if before I started feminizing myself, had she changed in some way that I didn’t care for. And transformed into someone other than the woman I… Read more »
Brie my dear, congrats, you are a brave and liberated transwoman. I for my humble part, am very proud of you.
Thank you, Sandra. Mostly, I think I’m just making it up as I go along. Just as I have male and female personaliites that are distinctly disparate, the bravery and liberation seem to be traits Brielle displays, but my male side doesn’t much. I’m glad it isn’t the other way round!
But it isn’t enogh to talk the talk, I must also walk the walk (in stilettos, no less – giggle).
With love and hugs,
Brie
Best of luck on your journey
Brielle, As others have said, this is a lovely, lovely article. So many of us can identify with it. I came out to family and close friends and family about three months ago. Not a day goes past when I don’t agonise over what I’ve done. But I saw my adult son this weekend and, despite the difficulties he’s having, he said ‘You couldn’t take this secret to the grave. You had to do this. And you’re so much more serene now that you are out.’ I thought ‘serene’ was a beautiful word and I was crying for the first… Read more »
Hi Brielle.
Thanks for sharing your amazing journey. I wish you and your wife all the luck in the world and hope you two can make it work out over the long run. I’m long term with my wife too and although I’m not transitioning its been a wild ride with her slowly accepting Michelle coming out expressing herself more and more all the time but we are making it work. Your daughter sounds amazing too.
Michelle
wow that is great, but with wife dealing with it , it will take time for her to understand the cross dressing world. there is a lot of info for her to read and under stand the cross dressing world. women wear men’s clothing, women marry woman, men marry men, so why can men wear female clothing? i am glade for you and hope all turn out to the good. thanks for sharing and hope other true woman will under stand the cross dressing world we live in
hi Brielle. you probably don’t remember our short conversation in the lobby of the Sheraton last week. we were both going our separate ways, but i wanted to say hello since you are from Pittsburgh, my old stomping grounds. we share a friend in jill smith. thank you for your article on coming out to your daughter. your experience parallels mine in many ways. just last fall i decided to come out to my two grown daughters. it’s a difficult conversation to begin, isn’t it? it seems that you had a little help initiating the subject in light of your… Read more »
Hi Jerrie, I do remember. I felt so bad all week, b/c people would say “Hi Brielle" and I’m not the best at remembering names. I do recoginze your face, though! That is so good that you have gotten affirmation from your children! And yes, the dinner convo the night before made the intro a bit easier. I think part of it is if the kids are grown and on their own, the dressing or even transitioning is less impactful. They just don’t want us to pull away out of fear or guilt. If there are grandkids, it can be… Read more »
i would welcome the chance to have dinner sometime. “the burgh" is a long drive, but you never can tell! good luck with your wife’s family.
hugs jerrie kaye
Hi Jerrie, just let me kniw if you find yourself over this way. And thanks – I will do anything she needs me to in avoiding her family shutting her out (short of my transitioning – it is that important to my emotional and mental survival). We may have to adjust our travel and visiting patterns, but we will anyway, I guess.
Hugs,
Brie
Brielle-first off itvwas great to meet ya at Keystone as well as the other 30-35 CDH folks there.. Secondly congrats on things going well with your daughter. I had a similar conversation with my adult daughter 6 years ago and wrote an article in anticipation of it https://www.crossdresserheaven.com/forums/topic/talking-to-my-daughter-about-cyn/ Both my adult kids were fine with the CD aspects-in a don’t see/don’t dwell kinda way.. When I told my daughter there might be more to it, she was quite upset-many tears. I did end up walking her down the aisle. She got divorced and remarried 3 years later and has two… Read more »