Coming to terms with who I am

 

Hello all, this is my story of how Polly came to be. I’m sure much of this will resonate with all of you. This is my journey and I write for the purposes of making sense of it all, not just for myself, but to share some insights with my wife–whom I recently came out to.

I started crossdressing in my mummy’s clothes around the age of 8. It was the classic thrill and excitement, to be followed by immense guilt. I wasn’t ever really caught crossdressing, but I did actually keep one of mum’s nightdresses in my chest of drawers for a while, as I wore it at night. It magically transported back to her room. My mum never said a single word, and I was worried for weeks. I think she knew about my penchant for women’s clothes, as a few years later when my parents booked tickets for a West End Show, my mum confided in me that it was Some Like It Hot. I’d never heard of it, but she said, with some emphasis, “You will really like it.”

Sadly, my mum is no longer with us and I never got to talk it through with her, which is a shame. I believe that she was understanding and would have been supportive.
My University days and during my early twenties it was a quiet time for my crossdressing. There wasn’t much privacy in shared dorms or the houses to safely crossdress The urge was never far away! I can’t recall questioning my gender back then, and I’ve always been certain about my sexuality. It seemed to be purely about the thrill of wearing women’s clothes. As I look back, the frustrating thing is that I could 100% have passed as a woman. Yet, I never took the opportunity to put it to the test as I grew a beard and bulked up.

Makeup Magic

I married in my late twenties, and we lasted 10 years. I kept my “hobby” well buried, but occasionally we’d partake in a bit of playful crossdressing. I suspect she knew it was more than playful to me. She was the one that ended it after 10 years; crossdressing was never cited as a reason for why her affections had waned. Maybe something had changed in me. Once, on the way back from our counseling sessions, she told me I was more of a woman than some of her girlfriends. If it was meant to be an insult, I didn’t take it as one. I’ve never thought of women as the weaker sex. I’ve always admired women, and perhaps on some level, aspired to be one.

For the next year, I went crazy and bought lots of clothes and shoes, only to purge the lot when I met my next wife. I was determined to keep it a secret, for fear of it ruining things between us. She is very perceptive and intuitive, and it gradually came out into the open. It caused issues to begin with; she didn’t understand. Luckily, we attended the stag do of a gay couple with whom we were friends. My wife met a crossdresser and had a long chat with them. He helped her to see that many of her notions and worries were incorrect, including telling her that he was straight and his wife was perfectly fine with him doing what he did.

After that episode we had “the talk,” and I fully came out to her as a crossdresser. I let her know that I didn’t want to transition. I have an inner female side that desperately needs to come out now and again.

She is more accepting of this and is ok with me having women’s clothes in my wardrobe, keeping my own makeup and jewelry. We’ve gone clothes shopping together for dresses (so exciting,) and I’ve spent several evenings as Polly with her. To her credit, she has been supportive and helped fine tune my dress sense and make up skills. I’m still hopeless doing my eyes, lol. I know how very lucky I am in this regard. I don’t intend to push my luck, so I still repress my need to crossdress. I cope by under-dressing and wearing panties.

I want to spread my wings further and go out in public, but I really don’t think I could pass anymore. It would be nice to meet up with fellow crossdressers, too.
I feel I’ve come to terms with my crossdressing, accepting that it will always be part of my life. I often wonder why I am like this. I’ve come to the conclusion, after doing lots of research, that I am definitely bigender. I’m comfortable with that term. I do think it’s misunderstood in the general public; I’ve not yet tried to explain it to any of my friends.

Interestingly, I just read about the whole ring finger verses index finger, their ratio and what it means. The difference is determined by how much testosterone you are exposed to in the womb. A man’s ring finger is usually longer than the index finger, due to testosterone exposure. However, my index finger is longer than the ring finger on both hands. Maybe I didn’t get enough testosterone as a fetus and hence this is why I’m wired a little differently? It’s just a theory; the science behind it is fairly solid. At the moment, it’s the best explanation that I have to go on.

I’m not sure what the future holds for Polly, but it’s so nice to have an understanding wife! It’s great not having to dread that I might be found in full dress or caught leaving a pair of knickers on the floor and then be accused of having an affair! I sincerely hope Polly gets to fly free and feel the breeze tugging at her hair and dress soon. Whatever happens, she is a part of my life. I love and accept her.

 

 

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  1. Peggy Ann Culpepper 2 days ago

    Hello again Polly, Thanks so much for your advice after my last post about coming out to my neighbor. Here is a little follow up. I have never been out Completely dressed as Peggy, except to the mailbox , about 100 ft. and as i was when caught by neighbor as explained in the post. I guess i must have been encouraged by that success ? My wife called this past Sunday and asked if i wanted to eat lunch with her, my Youngest daughter and her small. ages 4 and 8. Of course i said Yes, Well, here is where Peggy Began to take over. On my last trip to Wal Mart i had breezed through the Women’s Clothes section and found this beautiful blouse, i dont know much about material(learning) . It is very soft and changes colors as you move. Feels VERY Good. Anyway, AS i said Peggy was taking over, She did her underdressing thing, thigh high stockings, panties, satin bra, with the new blouse(greyesh black) with gray dress pants. and lite makeup. I knew my Wife would go balistic, but Peggy was counting on my Daughter(she has been the most supportive of our 7 children) to settle her down. I was a bervous wreck by the time they arrived. And as expected, my wife gave me th evil eye but my daughter calmed her by telling ME how nice I looked and how Pretty MY new blouse was. (Whew). We went out to my favorite restaurant, I am very nervous. I have to use a cane so got a few looks when we were being seated and then everything went smoothly.
    I related my story(icalled it my coming out feel good story) tomy daughter and Wife as we were eating Lunch. My daughter commented, that is wonderful daddy, even got a big smile and nod of ok out of my Wife. LIFE is WONDERFUL. Slowly Letting PEGGY OUT of PRISON> LOVE TO YOU ALL>Could not have done any of this, without Your Support.

  2. Ambermaria Martinez 4 days ago

    Omg poll just a nice story. Sorry to hear your marriage did not last but from reading your story it seems your very very content on being more polly
    Then ever before. Let her out let her be happy and let her walk tall and look forward to a wonderful life ahead as the woman she is

  3. Lovely article, Polly! I agree with you that your experiences likely resonate with many here. Thanks for sharing your story!
    Cyn

  4. Rozalyne Richards 1 week ago

    Thanks very much for your story Polly, i can relate to a lot of things that you have said and experienced i started dressing when i was 8 or 9 years old, i used to wear my sister’s clothes not my mother’s, i have kept it a secret all of my life and it’s still a secret now I’ve still not come out to my wife, it’s not that I’m ashamed of myself I’m not I’ve come to terms that I’m a cross-dresser, it’s that I’m afraid that it might be the end of my marriage and that i might lose my family and friends, it’s a lot better now because i can let Rozalyne out of the closet a lot more these days because our children have all left home and my wife has been having the odd holiday away on her own which has helped me a lot, hugs Rozalyne x

    • Author
      Polly Jones 1 week ago

      Thanks for your comments Rozalyne. I’m glad the article resonated with you. Although i’ve come to terns with my crossdressing i thibk there’s always that human nature thing of wanting more. I’m lucky that my wife knows and accepts (to a degree) but i do wish i could be Polly far more often, go shopping, get my nails done, go on holiday etc. Why should the girl in me miss out on some special moments in life. I guess i just need to be patient as good things come to girls who wait! xx

  5. Peggy Ann Culpepper 1 week ago

    Nice article Polly, My story Is Similar to yours , especially in the early years,
    unfortunately for me I have to insert alcohol abuse into my story early on in it.
    it Began in College and lasted almost 50 years, Almost lost every thing, wife, kids Job
    etc. Only through the grace of God did I Make IT. My wife found out about my crossdressing
    because I came in drunk from a party and found a pair of her panties on the bathroom floor and put them on and went to bed. I think she could have handeled the crossdressing but not both the alcohol and the CDing. Fast forward 40 years from that time , she Finally left for good, and moved to another city.where we had kids living, We have remained and are friends and attend functions with the kids and grands.
    About this time i retired and started part time crossdressing anound the house.
    Just when you think You got it made. Bam, Prostate Cancer, which turned out to be An unforseen blessing. i was treated with combination of radiation and harmones for two years. So far(10 yrs) the cancer has been in remission . The harmones help release the woman inside me amd today i am living as a woman at home 24/7. Now the Problem is that i want the whole world to see and know Peggy Ann. The problem is that i live in a small town in the South and I don’t think that (i have kids and Grands Living nearby) that
    they are ready To see the Real ME. I came out to all the kids about a year ago. They have all been supportive as long as i stay out of site and sound(lol) . I know that i have rambled on much to long, to get to my reason for starting this POST. This morning i Came out to ny neighbor( A 50ish Widow woman). I was taking my morning walk as she came out to go to work. It was real early and i didn’t think anyone was around. I’m caught in my girl mode including lite makup. This was the first person outside family that i have come out to. I told her that i hoped that i didn’t intend to offend anyone but i could not hide from being a woman any longer. I was really terrified and when my neighbor, broke out in a broad smile and squessed my hand and said, honey it is ok ,life is to short to hide our true selves. i couldn’t help from bursting out in tears and thanked her from the bottom of my heart. to make it more wonderful she gave me a thumbs up as she drove off to work. Am i dreaming or not ???

    • Author
      Polly Jones 1 week ago

      Hi Peggy, thank you for your story. You really have been through a lot! That is so fabulous that your neighbour has shown that support. She may end up being someone you could share your feminine side with perhaps? Imagine the fun of going clothes shopping together! I hope you are able to express yourself whilst keeping things good with the family. Its a balancing act a lot of us are faced with. Take care, hugs Polly xx

  6. Torry Burns 1 week ago

    I started crossdressing when I was about 12 or 13. Always knew I was gay since about 7, but was not about to come out. These were my little secrets until in recent years.

    • Author
      Polly Jones 1 week ago

      Its great to finally let the secrets out though isn’t it. Such a release. I felt as light as a cloud after i had the talk with my wife xx

  7. Rachel Wells 1 week ago

    Lovely story, Polly. (And a lovely dress too!)

  8. Lorrie Kaye 1 week ago

    Wonderfully written, Polly! You sound a lot like me, except my first marriage of 23 years ended because she found my clothing and shoes and immediately made all the wrong assumptions. Anyway, thank you for opening up your life to us!
    Love,
    Lorrie

  9. Michelle 1 week ago

    Thank you Polly!

    You expressed so much of how it is for so many of us.

    Michelle
    xoxo

  10. Gabriela Romani 1 week ago

    Polly,

    Thank you very much for sharing your story. So many things in common… the initial excitement followed by the guilt and shame, the purging, the wondering what may be wrong with us…

    I don’t know about your “not being able to pass anymore”. For one, I’m sure I can’t pass as the once twenty something young woman I presented like many years ago. But I don’t need it. I still can pass adjusting my presentation to be according to my age and look. I may not be thin (Well, I never was) and I have some “expression lines” (wrinkles) but guess what? Women do to! They come in all shapes, sizes, ages… So, when/if you decide to try going out, I’m sure you will find out that people will accept you once you have accepted your own look, size, shape. It is not about them, it is about you.

    Thank you again!
    Gaby

  11. Stephanie Aston 1 week ago

    Hi Polly
    It’s great that you have shared your story with us all, your story is so similar to mine (up to a point) and as you say it will “resonate” with so many other girls here, I have wanted to share my own voyage here but have always shied away at the last moment mainly because I feel that no one would be interested as they have heard it all before.
    Thank you again for sharing, just reading it and writing this comment is giving me more confidence : )
    Love
    Stephanie x

    • Author
      Polly Jones 1 week ago

      Thank you Stephanie. I say go for it as i found it very therapeutic to put it all down in a timeline and make sense of the journey x 🙂

  12. Lesley 1 week ago

    Thank-you for sharing such a wonderful story. I am sure that most, if not all who frequent the site will relate in all if not something from your writing. Then I hope that your experience will encourage many here to find courage to understand and accept what they feel. Thanks Leslie.

    • Author
      Polly Jones 1 week ago

      Thanks for your thanks Leslie. And yes, I hope it does provide some encouragement to people who may still be coming to terms with things x 🙂

  13. Bianca Everdene 1 week ago

    Thanks for sharing Polly, it’s so good to have this site to be able to express your experiences, thoughts and feelings regarding our wonderful harmless obsession.
    Yes some of us feel like we were born in the wrong body and it feels more natural cross dressing to be the woman they know they are inside, but for the rest of us personally I am not sure how much the hormone balance affects what we wear, what we want to look like. I am among those who accept I do not want to be a woman, I just love the sheer variety of styles, fabrics etc denied to us for no good reason except societal expectations. As most women do, I also feel my face looks much better with make up on, vanity ? Why not ? Why are we not allowed to ?
    I wonder for those of us for whom it is not an expression of sexuality, or a fetish, is cross dressing just something we love to do, just as everybody else chooses to play sports, climb mountains, collect stamps, birdwatch, play musical instruments, paint, cook, etc etc, Just because it is something we LOVE to do, and it makes us feel good. Sometimes I wonder why some feel they have to justify cross dressing, why ? Does somebody who loves golf have to justify it ?
    Sorry I tend to go on.
    I am so happy you have a supportive wife, a rare and wonderful woman !
    Love
    Bianca

    • Author
      Polly Jones 1 week ago

      Hi Bianca. I’m just one of those people who needs to know how everything works (aka an Engineer lol) and that includes working out how I work as well. So its not so much to justify anything just to understand why. Yeah i do love dressing and thats reason enough, but something led me to try it in the first place even though i didnt have sisters or female friends encouraging me to play dress up with them. I just feel like i was yearning to fit the missing piece to the puzzle perhaps? x 🙂

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