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This is my second attempt at writing this, but my first was consumed by technology – I think I must be a Luddite.
It's now been 6 plus years since I started to crossdress again. 6 years of exploring who I am and who I want to be. 6 years of finally figuring out that I am a little bit of both my personas. A little bit April, a little bit Bill. My dressing desires come and go – often. There was a period of time when I thought for sure I was going to transition. Then I didn't. Then I did again. Now, not so much. But I am learning to live with those feelings and learning that having different desires at different times is normal – at least for me.
This dressing thing, for those of us who have finally realized that we have both personas, can pose a bit of a conundrum. I'm of an age, and financially secure enough, that I don't have to worry about losing my job, and my wife is at least accepting of my dressing, so I can pretty much dress when I want, within reason, but I still choose to live the vast majority of my life as male. Why?
Because while being April is an “experience”, being Bill is “easy”. No work needed. And while it can be boring for the most part, it's a known quantity. Bill is safe. Bill is normal. No hassle, no worries. And at 65 becoming April (at least to an extent that I find satisfying) is more work than ever. Gravity is a harsh mistress. At least 2-3 hours of work to be “acceptable” to my eyes.
Once I'm dressed I rarely want it to end, but end it eventually does, and then inertia sets in and my male self has a tendency to hang on.
I so wished I had dressed more when I was young. I had such a wonderful face for dressing. Slight, angular, and rather feminine, if I do say so myself. And I was so thin. But alas, by my early 20s I was married with children, and I concentrated on other things. Don't get me wrong – I love my children, and they happen to be the best thing I have done with my life to this point. Yet, perhaps I could have enjoyed my life more if I had only taken the time to see and express my feminine side. At least on occasion.
Because April takes chances and goes places that I never did as my male self, opening myself up to many new experiences, both good and bad, but at least I have the experiences and I live life. Ironically, many of the doors I opened as April are now opened to Bill too, and I have become at least a bit more adventurous and open to the new, no matter how I am dressed.
I'm not sure what it is exactly about dressing that brings out the adventurous side in me; maybe it's the fact that I feel like a different person, or maybe it's just the fact that once I have gotten past the fear of being outed nothing else seems nearly as frightening. Whatever the case, I'm open to a whole lot more when I'm out and about as April.
So …......after 6 years of re-exploring I'm still not sure where the journey will eventually take me, but I'm going to try to keep on listening to my inner voice, staying brave enough to take some chances, and hopefully, let it take me where I need to go.
Take care ladies.
The editors should be congratulated for recognizing that such a simple, well-written, straightforward, considered, self-examination of one's life and the place of crossdressing in it as this essay is at the very heart, the very best of what CDH has to offer us all.
The editors should be congratulated for recognizing that such a simple, well-written, straightforward, considered, self-examination of one's life and the place of crossdressing in it as this essay is at the very heart, the very best of what CDH has to offer us all.
Lovely thoughts April. Would things have been different if you had dressed more when younger, that's an unknown. Having lived that male life for so long there will be things that are second nature and enjoyable so it is ingrained and why should you give those pleasures up? You love dressing and your wife approves so maybe she sees it as a little hobby you have that she accepts, that is no different for a lot of men with hobbies and she gets the happy man she married, it keeps the relationship strong so you have struck a neat balance which works.
I would agree that dressing makes you more adventurous as it is allowing you to push the boundaries in that persona that you felt you couldn't as male. Again that was always in you but April is a medium that allowed you to bring it out and it is a happy medium.
Lovely thoughts April. Would things have been different if you had dressed more when younger, that's an unknown. Having lived that male life for so long there will be things that are second nature and enjoyable so it is ingrained and why should you give those pleasures up? You love dressing and your wife approves so maybe she sees it as a little hobby you have that she accepts, that is no different for a lot of men with hobbies and she gets the happy man she married, it keeps the relationship strong so you have struck a neat balance which works.
I would agree that dressing makes you more adventurous as it is allowing you to push the boundaries in that persona that you felt you couldn't as male. Again that was always in you but April is a medium that allowed you to bring it out and it is a happy medium.
April,
Like you I find myself much more outgoing while en femme than I ever was as a male. I have heard the same sentiment from numerous other CD's and I think it it due to two main reasons:
- Women are generally more outgoing than men. In trying to emulate women, many CD's adopt that way of interacting with people as well.
- If a CD has truly accepted and is comfortable with what they are, much of the stress and anxiety associated with cross dressing melts away and one becomes much more relaxed and comfortable when en femme. Feeling good about oneself just naturally causes one to be more comfortable when reaching out and interacting with others.
Fiona
April,
Like you I find myself much more outgoing while en femme than I ever was as a male. I have heard the same sentiment from numerous other CD's and I think it it due to two main reasons:
- Women are generally more outgoing than men. In trying to emulate women, many CD's adopt that way of interacting with people as well.
- If a CD has truly accepted and is comfortable with what they are, much of the stress and anxiety associated with cross dressing melts away and one becomes much more relaxed and comfortable when en femme. Feeling good about oneself just naturally causes one to be more comfortable when reaching out and interacting with others.
Fiona
Ah April-my dear friend who invited me out to Esprit to room together for the conference-sight unseen(well sorta lol). As you know (but others may not), we have vastly diverging views on many things social and political..and yet..we are great friends and have a fabtastic time together whenever we are fortunate enough to do so. And that's really how it should be for the world in general. We don't have to agree on everything-just be civil, courteous, and treat others well...basically to "be human". I've probably spent as much or more time in person with you -all the way across the country-than I have with some who live right near me. That is the beauty of this site-bringing people together. I, like you, am still exploring my journey; not sure where my destination lies but I'm going to enjoy the journey no matter where it leads.
As you- and other commenters here-have said, the Cyn part of me(which I've come to realize is likely the largest and true part of me) is much more social than Kevin ever was. Between playing league pool and allowing Cyn to be seen by the whole world, I can go up to a complete stranger and strike up a conversation-something Kevin could NEVER do. I think the personality inside me has always been Cyn, but didn't feel comfortable expressing it until I got the support and encouragement from Vanessa and Codille and the other folks early on who helped me exit the dark recesses of my closet where I had hidden for all my life to that point. Now my world is a far better place than in those days. I have freedom that I never knew existed; it was always there -I just had to accept the opportunity to act on it.
Thanks for all you've done to help me (and so many others whose lives you have touched)-you truly make the world a better place just by being you. No matter what the outer appearance at any given moment, your TRUE beauty lies within your soul and the essence of your being. And THAT is what truly matters.
Cyn
Ah April-my dear friend who invited me out to Esprit to room together for the conference-sight unseen(well sorta lol). As you know (but others may not), we have vastly diverging views on many things social and political..and yet..we are great friends and have a fabtastic time together whenever we are fortunate enough to do so. And that's really how it should be for the world in general. We don't have to agree on everything-just be civil, courteous, and treat others well...basically to "be human". I've probably spent as much or more time in person with you -all the way across the country-than I have with some who live right near me. That is the beauty of this site-bringing people together. I, like you, am still exploring my journey; not sure where my destination lies but I'm going to enjoy the journey no matter where it leads.
As you- and other commenters here-have said, the Cyn part of me(which I've come to realize is likely the largest and true part of me) is much more social than Kevin ever was. Between playing league pool and allowing Cyn to be seen by the whole world, I can go up to a complete stranger and strike up a conversation-something Kevin could NEVER do. I think the personality inside me has always been Cyn, but didn't feel comfortable expressing it until I got the support and encouragement from Vanessa and Codille and the other folks early on who helped me exit the dark recesses of my closet where I had hidden for all my life to that point. Now my world is a far better place than in those days. I have freedom that I never knew existed; it was always there -I just had to accept the opportunity to act on it.
Thanks for all you've done to help me (and so many others whose lives you have touched)-you truly make the world a better place just by being you. No matter what the outer appearance at any given moment, your TRUE beauty lies within your soul and the essence of your being. And THAT is what truly matters.
Cyn
Wow! Just the way I feel. I think I could truly be satisfied henceforth with just dressing androgynously. The hair, makeup, etc. is too much work - as you’ve said. But I love the shape, the foundation garments, the legging and jeans, and the shoes, boots, booties, and sandals - mostly with heels. That is my “late” New Years wish for 2023; permission to “dress LIKE a girl!
Wow! Just the way I feel. I think I could truly be satisfied henceforth with just dressing androgynously. The hair, makeup, etc. is too much work - as you’ve said. But I love the shape, the foundation garments, the legging and jeans, and the shoes, boots, booties, and sandals - mostly with heels. That is my “late” New Years wish for 2023; permission to “dress LIKE a girl!
Thanks for sharing this. I can so identify with this, I was dressing at 17 and going out with my then girlfriend, I wasnt hairy, everything was in its place and I wasn’t as heavy. I dont understand what drove me into the the closet again after that relationship ended…it was 1980 so fear of rejection I think. I have at last lost that ‘I care what others think when I’m out and about’ now, but the two hours it takes to look presentable is sometimes too long, so I dont dress as often as I should.
Thanks for sharing this. I can so identify with this, I was dressing at 17 and going out with my then girlfriend, I wasnt hairy, everything was in its place and I wasn’t as heavy. I dont understand what drove me into the the closet again after that relationship ended…it was 1980 so fear of rejection I think. I have at last lost that ‘I care what others think when I’m out and about’ now, but the two hours it takes to look presentable is sometimes too long, so I dont dress as often as I should.
Very similar to my story, April.
Very similar to my story, April.