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Today was a first for me, a big first too. I wore a skirt! In public! With people nearby!
So what’s the big deal, you might say? Well, it was a big deal for me, let me explain.
I’m in my 40’s, and besides you, my beautiful followers, and my wife, no one I know in real life knows of my “hobby”.
A couple months ago, I started seeing a therapist for a variety of reasons, one of those reasons was to address my cross-dressing and come to terms with it.
On day one, I ripped off the Band-Aid and told her I cross-dressed. She was very understanding and maybe more curious about it than anything and I found out later that I was the first person she had ever had in that chair who was a crossdresser--or at least the first person that she knew of.
At my last session, I told her I was under-dressing, and now there was someone, other than my wife, who knew what was underneath. She said she was going to give me “homework” or a “challenge”, with regard to dressing, at our next session. However, after talking to my wife about it later, she agreed with me that I should beat my therapist to the punch and wear something simple, like a skirt, to that next session. Nothing crazy, nothing flashy, not even that obvious.
After careful consideration, I picked a simple, loose-fitting, black, knee-length skirt, boxers, T-shirt and some HeyDude shoes. I didn't leave the house wearing the skirt, but chose to carry it to the truck (in case I wanted to chicken out). Then, it was the longest 15-minute drive of my life and when I got to the parking lot, I sat in my truck for fifteen minutes trying to convince myself to get out and walk in. I am in the military and my therapist is at the medical treatment facility on post so obviously, there was a high chance of seeing somebody I know. The emotional distress was almost too much to bear.
I said to myself, 'eff it, I’m doing it'. No one's going to know, or care! No one is even going to notice through their own self involved thoughts and lives. I was wrong, a few people noticed, but nobody cared. Why should they and why should I care if they care!?
While in the waiting room for my appointment, I was so nervous, I was shaking, but after doing my deliberate-breathing exercise, I was able to calm down, just in time for her to come out and get me.
Just over an hour later, I walked out of there with a new sense of confidence and calmness. All of my anxieties were gone. I left with self-assurance and a smile. I owned it and I can’t even begin to express how happy I was that I went through with it.
She did, however, have to change my “homework” assignment since I'd already pre-empted her for this session. My next challenge was to either:
1. Go out on a lunch date with my wife to a public place, wearing whatever I would feel comfortable in, or
2. Tell one or both of my daughters (aged 17 and 21) of my “hobby”.
On the drive home, I kept the skirt on and ran through a million different scenarios in my head, knowing that at least one, if not both my daughters would be home.
I pulled into the driveway, and with my shorts now in hand, I walked inside. My hope was to use it as an ice breaker (if they noticed and/or said something) to help me with starting that conversation, but to my disappointment, one daughter was in her room and my other daughter wasn’t home. The wife saw that I was still wearing the skirt and just smiled. She said she was very proud of me and that meant so much to me. She’s the best! Ever!
Sadly, I had chores and yard jobs to do, so I changed back into my shorts and went to work.
I have two weeks to my next appointment and to decide on which challenge to complete.
What do you think? Should I do a lunch date with the wife? Or tell one, or both, of my daughters?
@laceyb Congratulations Lacey on taking such a big step. It sounds like it was so liberating for you. I'm sure the next time you choose to go out dressed it will be easier. It's also great that your therapist is so supportive and encouraging. I saw a therapist to address my crossdressing and while she encouraged me to come to one of our sessions dressed, I never took her up on it. Now, I really wish I had. I'm thinking it might have accelerated things for me but overall, I'm satisfied with where I am now.
Stay out there!!
@lauren114 Thank you, it sure was a big step. I look forward to doing it again. Glad to hear you’re satisfied with where you are now. Have a great day.
Lacey
@laceyb CONGRATULATIONS, IMHO either would be terrific. Your daughters are a great age and would be accepting but going to lunch with your wife would also be fun. We're looking forward to a follow-up!
Jamie
Jaime,
I think my youngest would be more accepting about it as she is non-binary and far less judgmental. I also think the lunch date would be far more fun too. I will definitely do an update after either way I go.
Lacey
What do you think? Should I do a lunch date with the wife? Or tell one, or both, of my daughters?
Congratulations on taking a bold step!
Between your two assignments, they each have very different implications.
Having lunch somewhere where you are anonymous can be pretty safe. Telling family members is not equivalent, at all. In fact, I am pretty surprised that your analyst suggested doing either of these challenges so early in your sessions. She may be learning vicariously through you.
You can do one, both, or neither.
I agree with you on all points and you are right, both are very bold. I believe the best things in life are on the other side of fear. A lunch date is a one time event and the easy way out. Telling my kids could be both beneficial or detrimental. Only will tell.
Lacey
That first time out is such a life changing thrill. Congratulations on your huge breakthrough.
My suggestion is to consider deep and hard, then pick one and as you said just rip the bandage off and do it. I suggest do it early and then maybe?? do the other one also????
Cassie
Cassie,
I'm hoping to tell my youngest by the end of the weekend. The wife is pushing me to tell both at the same time, but I’m not sure I am ready for that.
Lacey
First, congratulations!! That was so incredibly brave!!! Second, which option you chose should be entirely up to you. Your wife already knowing would be a wonderful date for you to feel comfortable, as much as one is the first time in public. Coming out to your daughters is a whole other thing. That might need an in depth conversation with your wife before deciding.
i only say that because that option comes with much more potential pitfalls than the lunch. Either way you choose, good for you!!
Victoria,
I totally agree. A lunch date would be super easy and a more comfortable step in that direction.
As for telling my daughters, yes, very complicated. I’m just tired of hiding it and scrambling to change clothes when they get home.
Lacey
I completely understand!! It does wear on one to consistently have to hide oneself from those closest to us. However, having to justify one’s own existence over and over isn’t a party either.
Oh how nerve wracking those moments are sitting in the parking lot trying to step out the first time...and oh how rewarding it is when you do.
Congratulations for doing it.
J J,
Thank you. It was soooo intense stepping out that first time. I’m glad I did it though. The wifey and I had planned on brunch tomorrow, but I haven’t been feeling well these past couple days. We’ll see how I feel tomorrow morning and decide then.
Lacey
Lunch with wife for sure. What fun!
Unfortunately, I was not feeling well all weekend and did not get a chance to do lunch with the wife.
@laceyb Well first of all - good for you! That's a MONUMENTAL step! As I quote the Jason Isbell song often, "Be afraid, be very afraid...but do it anyway," and you did!
As to your question, I'd start by telling your daughters. They're at good ages and if you have a good relationship with them and they're likely to be surprised, but take a very 'you do you' sort of attitude. I would suggest that you bring that confidence you felt to the table - you're telling them, not asking for their approval. Also, give them as much info as you can and let them ask questions if they want. You don't want them leaving the conversation with any worries rattling around in their heads.
The reason I'd suggest this over Option #1 is that if you go out first and you do get seen by someone, that information could make its way back to your daughters and you want to be the one to share this with them.
Again, super happy for you! 🤗 (← awkward hugging emoji)
Melodee,
My thoughts exactly. My problem is finding the right words to start the conversation. The wife and I have had several good ideas, but we haven’t decided on which path to go.
@laceyb "Hey, there's something I wanted to share with you. You may have questions, but let me get through it all first. Sometimes I like to get dressed up to express myself as a woman/in a more feminine way/(whatever you feel is most accurate here)."
My advise would be to be as blunt as possible. Don't hedge, don't minimize, just tell it like it is.
- This just gets it out there and makes any questions they have relevant. You don't want them to feel like they're peeling back more layers, so just get it out.
- You haven't done anything wrong, so just say it like you're telling them you play golf or fish every now and then. It'll help your own self confidence.
Good luck!
Personally, I wod start with lunch with the wife. It is a good way to get out in public with some support. Telling the kids is a permanant action which you can not take back. You may want to work on yoir own self acceptance before such a big step.
While I have not told my own adult daughters, they probably have a pretty good idea and I do not think they would be the least bit shicked, nor would they care. My bigger issue would be with my one son in law, who would not doubt accept it, he would find it odd and not understand it. He is from a more comservative state and would think it is one more crazy Liberal California thing.
Way to go, Lacey! When I first spoke with my therapist, I told her I was a crossdresser on the phone. First in-person visit, I was totally femmed up. In fact, she has never met "him" & has never encouraged me to attend sessions, specifically, in either mode. I agree with Victoria. Going to lunch, in full view of a bunch of strangers is one thing. Coming out to family, with which you have daily interaction is something else. I have no qualms about doing anything, in public, as me, but to reveal myself to family would be the old "toothpaste out of the tube" thing. You can't put it back. Actually, I would love to tell the world & get the monkey off my back. Wife says no. Best wishes to you!
Hi Lacey,
Congratulations on your first venture out wearing a skirt.
It sounds like you have a very supportive wife in this regard, which is not the case for everyone and an understanding therapist this is giving you challenges to overcome.
I would say do the first challenge first and, during lunch, discuss the possibility of telling both your daughters. As you may know, if you tell one you are telling both anyway so better they both hear it from you.
Once you have your family behind you well, the rest will come a lot easier.
Just my thoughts on the matter.
Lynne
Nice to hear your story about the first time out.
I would stick with going out with your wife for your homework assignment. I am very surprised the therapist suggested telling your daughters so early in your sessions. You and your wife need to discuss that and think long and hard about the possible ramifications of telling your kids. That is not a decision to be taken lightly or made in haste.
Hi Lacey!
What great steps you’ve taken! Congratulations! I first saw my therapist in male mode. She invited me to come dressed for the next session and for three weeks til then I was all over the place mentally. Scared, excited, anxious, nervous, etc. i showed up as Lisa and she was blown away. Fully dressed, makeup heels, skirt, wig, stockings, perfume, purse, the whole nine yards! She loved it and made me feel so comfortable and flattering. She told me that I totally pulled it off as presenting as a woman. She hasn’t seen me as anyone else but Lisa since then and she says it’s just who I am and Lisa is a big part of me. She’s also told me she doesn’t remember what my male version looks like anymore and she’s certain she probably wouldn’t recognize him! She’s always been supportive and encouraging. My therapist has created a safe place for me. Since then, she has given me the confidence to go out as Lisa and present as Lisa. She tells me that if I didn’t pass, she wouldn’t even suggest it. She has been right as I’ve discovered. I’m treated as a woman where I go, and if I’ve been read, nobody seems to care. I think I’ve only been read 3 times and it was my voice that gave me away! I’m working on that. (Another story).
She’s also challenged me to be more open with my wife about it and that has been up and down, but Lisa is more out there with her now than she ever has been. This will be an ongoing issue for me to work on.
As for telling family, there’s no way I want my kids to know this. I agree with several of the other girls’ posts. Once it’s out, it’s out. I prefer to let them keep their dignity and I prefer to stay a dad (as a male) to them. I brought them into this world and have raised them well. I don’t feel the need to put this on them. Their mom has carried enough and I owe it to her to be the man, husband and father of this family. Lisa will always be there, but it’s for me (and my wife when she is open to her).
please think hard in this. It’s worked for some wonderful girls here, but it’s something I wouldn’t do personally.
I wish you the best in this journey!
Lisa
Lacey -
Congrats on your first time out i a skirt. I've done some therapy sessions dressed and they were amazing. It was nice to talk about my dressing and femininity while dressed. My therapist called me Suzanne during those sessions (she does at other times as well - but those were special). While my wife suggested that zi go to therapy about my dressing she isn''t very open to me dressing outside the house. I change at my therapists office when I do sessions dressed.
You've received a lot of good advice from some of the other girls. For what it is worth I think going to lunch with your wife would be the way to go. As others have suggested talk with her before talking to your daughters to 1- make her aware you're going to and 2- get her input as to what she thinks of the idea. It may even help if she is there when you have the conversation.
Another thing to consider doing with your wife (and daughters if so inclined) is to go for mani-pedis together. My wife and I go every couple months (I'm in drab) but is a nice day of pampering. When we go I get color on my toes.
Good luck with whatever you decide.
XOXO
Suzanne
Well done Lacey to you and your wife. Whatever you do next will not be as hard as the first but just take it easy and plan it well and enjoy a new path.
Lacey, I can relate to your “big first for me”.. unlike you, when my therapist wanted to meet Leonara.. I changed in a restroom before my appointment.. I commend you for dressing before your appointment..didn’t you like the opportunity to have “girl talk” sitting and discussing as your Feminine self?? Thanks for sharing
