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A fear that not only you feel!

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Posts: 856
Lady
Topic starter
(@marieclaire2)
Noble Member     London, United Kingdom
Joined: 4 years ago
wpf-cross-image

Crossdressing is still a big taboo, and it raises fears even in those who don't practice it.

One of a crossdresser's biggest fears is that of being "caught" doing it. It starts with the risk that the boy who is trying on his mother's or sister's bra will be caught by the real owner of the piece, or even by his father or someone else.

The boy realizes that he likes to wear a bra - or any other feminine clothing - and feels insecure:

"I'm a boy. I'm a man. But I like women's clothes. Do I want to be a woman? Am I trans? What is my sexual orientation?"

After a while, he decides to buy his own clothes.

"If I buy in a store, will anyone notice? What if I meet someone I know? If I buy online and someone opens my order and finds out everything?"

Then, unable to practice crossdressing explicitly, he has the idea of practicing underdressing outside the home.

"I'm wearing panties and a bra under my men's clothes. What if someone notices? What if the panties show? What if the outline of the bra shows? What if I get sick and the doctors discover my 'secret'?"

Then he starts a relationship - with a woman. More fears, more doubts.

"Do I tell her? What about the temptation to try on her clothes in secret? Would hiding my crossdressing or wearing her clothes in secret be cheating?"

The crossdresser experiences several fears throughout their experience. But whoever is next to him too.

Imagine the mother catching her son wearing her clothes.

"Is this normal? Should I take him to a psychologist? Is this an illness? Does he want to be a woman? Does he like men?"

Some parents are more violent and apply punishments and beatings to "correct" their child. Others try to talk to him. But still they are afraid. For them, their son is not "normal" now.

The situation is made worse by the fear of other people finding out. "What if my son is judged by others? Or even attacked for wearing women's clothing?"

In the romantic field, the situation is no different. It would be a shock for a woman to hear from her husband that he likes to wear women's clothes - even worse would be to catch him in that condition.

"Does he want to be like me? Does he want to compete with me? Does he want to be a woman? Does he really like women? Does he really like me? What if he's using me as a facade? What if he wants a man? What if he wants me? Exchange for a man?"

A woman in this condition may even have her self-esteem compromised: "Maybe I'm not a good woman, that's why he's acting like this?"

Furthermore, it is clear that women, sisters and mothers of crossdressers will not feel comfortable discovering that their husbands, boyfriends, brothers and children were secretly wearing their clothes - including their underwear. In addition to being an invasion of privacy, this may be unhygienic.

To better deal with taboos and fears, the first step is information. Understanding the difference between gender identity, gender expression, sexuality and other topics is very important.

It is also necessary to have dialogue. This resolves many doubts between the crossdresser and his mother, sister or wife. Dialogue must be respected by both sides. If the crossdresser wants to have the freedom to express his feminine side, he must do so with his own clothes - after all, it is not very hygienic to wear other people's panties. Furthermore, most women expect to have a relationship with a certain profile of man, which often does not fit into a crossdresser. Many women even tolerate their husbands' crossdressing, but prefer not to see it in practice. It's their right. Be the man she wants to see and have by her side when you are with her.

Obviously there are exceptions: Women can benefit from their husbands/boyfriends' crossdressing: from combining the practice with sexual games to even having a partner who understands them better as a woman and helps them with everyday issues.

Transparency is also important. Many women feel betrayed when they discover "by chance" that their husbands dress like her. Many men hide the practice for fear of losing their girlfriend or wife. On the other hand, when people talk about crossdressing they may walk away. It's a big taboo.

It is very important that you evaluate your crossdressing if you enter into a relationship. If you realize that she would not support your hobby, consider not entering into the relationship or staying away from crossdressing. Life is made of choices, and each choice is a renunciation. Evaluate what is best for you in the long term. Crossdressing in secret while your wife is away is safe... until she arrives early!

Psychological help can be very positive for the crossdresser - and their family members. It helps to establish dialogue, clarify doubts and improve relationships. Consider couples or family therapy. Individually, therapy will show you paths and facilitate decision-making, reducing fear.

- What fears do you have regarding crossdressing?

- Do you think your mother, sister, girlfriend or wife has any fears about your crossdressing?

- How do you and those close to you deal with these fears?

Sincerely,

Marie Claire

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81 Replies
4 Replies
(@cdashley)
Joined: 4 years ago

Noble Member     Oshawa, Ontario, Canada
Posts: 1401

@ Great article btw. I think most have had all those feelings and fears. Especially in the early days in moms and sisters things. As for telling a S/O there will always be those fears of being rejected or outed by whoever we tell. Even after many many years I still have fears of upsetting my wife with my dressing even tho she is very understanding and supportive of my dressing. I think that’s why so many of us wait so long to tell a loved one for the fear of rejection or being asked to stop as we all know that doesn’t happen to often. In my case I started feeling guilty and almost like I was cheating on her from keeping this “ hobby” from her. I had no idea how’d she take it but she did know of my love for pantyhose so I took that big step in telling her my whole story about my crossdressing journey. Anyway again great article Marie Claire. Thanks so much. 

Ashley. 

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Lady
(@marieclaire2)
Joined: 4 years ago

Noble Member     London, United Kingdom
Posts: 856

Thank you also!!! I'm glad your wife was understanding. Unfortunately this is not always the case and perhaps that is why we have so many fears!

Reply
Baroness
(@trish1980)
Joined: 3 years ago

Prominent Member     Kamloops, British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 761

@marieclaire2 

Hi Marie,

     You have definitely nailed what most crossdressers go through especially in the beginning. When I met the love of my life and she wanted to get married I knew I had to tell her about Trish. There's no way I was bringing a secret like that into our marriage. I also wanted to give her the chance to cut and run if that's what she wanted to do. 

    Well, long story short it still took many years for her to start to understand the what and whys of crossdressing but with the help of some close friends here on CDH as well as some girls I met else where we sorted things out and my wife has come to accept Trish and allow me to go out with my girl friends shopping or meeting up at a bar as well going to other venues in other cities. The big thing is to be open and honest with your wife and make sure she stays as the number one girl in the family. Good luck to you girl.

 

Trish 💖

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Lady
(@marieclaire2)
Joined: 4 years ago

Noble Member     London, United Kingdom
Posts: 856

Thank you!

Reply
Posts: 8
Duchess
(@hotwoman)
Active Member     Leeds, West Yorkshire, United Kingdom
Joined: 1 year ago

HI there I simply agree with all that you say and have felt this way myself, for me l try not to worry about because you can't stop the way you feel and you can't stop what will be will be . A very big thank for you for you story. Take care .x Frenlee. X Sophie.

Reply
2 Replies
Lady
(@marieclaire2)
Joined: 4 years ago

Noble Member     London, United Kingdom
Posts: 856

I thank you for reading my article!

Reply
Lady
(@marieclaire2)
Joined: 4 years ago

Noble Member     London, United Kingdom
Posts: 856

I thank you for reading my article!

Reply
Posts: 8
Duchess
(@hotwoman)
Active Member     Leeds, West Yorkshire, United Kingdom
Joined: 1 year ago

HI there I simply agree with all that you say and have felt this way myself, for me l try not to worry about because you can't stop the way you feel and you can't stop what will be will be . A very big thank for you for you story. Take care .x Frenlee. X Sophie.

Reply
Posts: 17
Lady
(@jasmina)
Eminent Member     Ontario, Canada
Joined: 3 years ago

It is exactly the same story for me. Thanks for sharing dear Marie

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2 Replies
Lady
(@marieclaire2)
Joined: 4 years ago

Noble Member     London, United Kingdom
Posts: 856

Dear Jasmina! I thank you for reading my article!

Reply
Lady
(@marieclaire2)
Joined: 4 years ago

Noble Member     London, United Kingdom
Posts: 856

Dear Jasmina! I thank you for reading my article!

Reply
Posts: 17
Lady
(@jasmina)
Eminent Member     Ontario, Canada
Joined: 3 years ago

It is exactly the same story for me. Thanks for sharing dear Marie

Reply
Posts: 2951
Hostess
(@ab123)
Famed Member     Surrey, United Kingdom
Joined: 4 years ago

It sums up almost every aspect of fear as a crossdresser, it is a wonder why we still carry on, but we do out of necessity. There are those that carry it as a secret from cradle to grave managing those moments when a wherever they can and be quite content to do so, others will have to face and confront a fear from whatever source it comes from.

Then what about those that are aware they may or even want to be caught or outed? For those that dress in partners, sisters clothes the risk is high and always in the back of the mind this may happen. Then those that pluck up the courage to tell someone, a partner, family member or friend.

These are all fears and the key, no matter what the circumstances are, is to have some explanation to why and preparedness to answer a long list of questions having some form of resolution taking into account responses which may vary greatly which can be from both extremes ,surprising with acceptance and other times a total refusal to accept, all must be countered. The one question that does come up, 'Is this all it is' or 'How far do you want to go?' That can be very important in a personal relationship so knowing yourself is paramount as in any dialogue honesty has to be the best policy.

I would always say that you should never fear what you do or be ashamed because there is nothing wrong with it at all, just be prepared.

Reply
2 Replies
Lady
(@marieclaire2)
Joined: 4 years ago

Noble Member     London, United Kingdom
Posts: 856

Thank you for reading my article!

Reply
Lady
(@marieclaire2)
Joined: 4 years ago

Noble Member     London, United Kingdom
Posts: 856

Thank you for reading my article!

Reply
Posts: 2951
Hostess
(@ab123)
Famed Member     Surrey, United Kingdom
Joined: 4 years ago

It sums up almost every aspect of fear as a crossdresser, it is a wonder why we still carry on, but we do out of necessity. There are those that carry it as a secret from cradle to grave managing those moments when a wherever they can and be quite content to do so, others will have to face and confront a fear from whatever source it comes from.

Then what about those that are aware they may or even want to be caught or outed? For those that dress in partners, sisters clothes the risk is high and always in the back of the mind this may happen. Then those that pluck up the courage to tell someone, a partner, family member or friend.

These are all fears and the key, no matter what the circumstances are, is to have some explanation to why and preparedness to answer a long list of questions having some form of resolution taking into account responses which may vary greatly which can be from both extremes ,surprising with acceptance and other times a total refusal to accept, all must be countered. The one question that does come up, 'Is this all it is' or 'How far do you want to go?' That can be very important in a personal relationship so knowing yourself is paramount as in any dialogue honesty has to be the best policy.

I would always say that you should never fear what you do or be ashamed because there is nothing wrong with it at all, just be prepared.

Reply
Posts: 100
Lady
(@michellebb)
Estimable Member     Paradise Valley, Arizona, United States of America
Joined: 2 years ago

I was always scared of being caught. But did get caught and exposed by my wife to all. I still dress and unfortunately not how or when I want. But no stopping it’s in me

Reply
4 Replies
Lady
(@marieclaire2)
Joined: 4 years ago

Noble Member     London, United Kingdom
Posts: 856

I'm sorry you had to go through this.

Reply
Lady
(@michellebb)
Joined: 2 years ago

Estimable Member     Paradise Valley, Arizona, United States of America
Posts: 100

I really enjoy and after 30 yrs marriage time for change

Reply
Lady
(@michellebb)
Joined: 2 years ago

Estimable Member     Paradise Valley, Arizona, United States of America
Posts: 100

I really enjoy and after 30 yrs marriage time for change

Reply
Lady
(@marieclaire2)
Joined: 4 years ago

Noble Member     London, United Kingdom
Posts: 856

I'm sorry you had to go through this.

Reply
Posts: 100
Lady
(@michellebb)
Estimable Member     Paradise Valley, Arizona, United States of America
Joined: 2 years ago

I was always scared of being caught. But did get caught and exposed by my wife to all. I still dress and unfortunately not how or when I want. But no stopping it’s in me

Reply
Posts: 961
Ambassador
(@lucyb112)
Noble Member     Staffordshire, United Kingdom
Joined: 2 years ago

This is a great article Marie.
It certainly captures what a lot of us go through.
Thank you

Reply
2 Replies
Lady
(@marieclaire2)
Joined: 4 years ago

Noble Member     London, United Kingdom
Posts: 856

I was very happy to know that you liked my article!

Reply
Lady
(@marieclaire2)
Joined: 4 years ago

Noble Member     London, United Kingdom
Posts: 856

I was very happy to know that you liked my article!

Reply
Posts: 961
Ambassador
(@lucyb112)
Noble Member     Staffordshire, United Kingdom
Joined: 2 years ago

This is a great article Marie.
It certainly captures what a lot of us go through.
Thank you

Reply
Posts: 8
(@evelyndivinisima)
Active Member     Los Angeles (Glendale), California, United States of America
Joined: 1 year ago

Thank you for your article.
We all experience that fear. I have it every time I dress at home thinking that my wife or daughter can come home and get caught fully dressed.
I have every time I’m wearing anything feminine under my cloth.
It happens when I have my bra on for some time and hope it doesn’t leave any marks on me.
It happens when I do my makeup and hope that I removed any sign of it.
It happens when I do my nails and then remove the color before my wife comes home.
This fear doesn’t allow me to embrace my femininity in full and therefore not have the guts to step out of my house fully dolled up.
Sad but reality.
Evelyn❤️

Reply
4 Replies
Lady
(@marieclaire2)
Joined: 4 years ago

Noble Member     London, United Kingdom
Posts: 856

Evelyn, I thank you for reading my article. Your comment is very special, he showed everyday examples such as bra marks and traces of makeup and nail polish.

Reply
Lady
(@marieclaire2)
Joined: 4 years ago

Noble Member     London, United Kingdom
Posts: 856

Evelyn, I thank you for reading my article. Your comment is very special, he showed everyday examples such as bra marks and traces of makeup and nail polish.

Reply
(@evelyndivinisima)
Joined: 1 year ago

Active Member     Los Angeles (Glendale), California, United States of America
Posts: 8

Thanks Marie Claire. I pray not to ever get caught as my wife will throw me out of the house and divorce me the same day.
Evelyn❤️

Reply
(@evelyndivinisima)
Joined: 1 year ago

Active Member     Los Angeles (Glendale), California, United States of America
Posts: 8

Thanks Marie Claire. I pray not to ever get caught as my wife will throw me out of the house and divorce me the same day.
Evelyn❤️

Reply
Posts: 8
(@evelyndivinisima)
Active Member     Los Angeles (Glendale), California, United States of America
Joined: 1 year ago

Thank you for your article.
We all experience that fear. I have it every time I dress at home thinking that my wife or daughter can come home and get caught fully dressed.
I have every time I’m wearing anything feminine under my cloth.
It happens when I have my bra on for some time and hope it doesn’t leave any marks on me.
It happens when I do my makeup and hope that I removed any sign of it.
It happens when I do my nails and then remove the color before my wife comes home.
This fear doesn’t allow me to embrace my femininity in full and therefore not have the guts to step out of my house fully dolled up.
Sad but reality.
Evelyn❤️

Reply
Posts: 435
Lady
(@krisburton)
Honorable Member     The Hub City, New Jersey, United States of America
Joined: 2 years ago

A fascinating article Marie! I can relate especially to the feelings of crossdressing when you are in a relationship. I my instance I did not begin my crossdressing journey until i was 69 - two years ago now. Once I began, I knew there was no way I could or wanted to stop. Yet the taboo of what I was doing and the effect it might have on my marriage brought on not only fear but a stress which I could not endure. My choice was to quit or come out right away. I chose the latter, and it made all the difference in my case. My wife is accepting and supportive, and i am so glad i did not sell her short. I think being honest and not sneaking around is the key to overcoming much of this fear, at least in a marriage or relationship. Even if your relationship fails, you are not imprisoned by your lie of omission.

Reply
2 Replies
Lady
(@marieclaire2)
Joined: 4 years ago

Noble Member     London, United Kingdom
Posts: 856

Thank you very much for reading my article!

Reply
Lady
(@marieclaire2)
Joined: 4 years ago

Noble Member     London, United Kingdom
Posts: 856

Thank you very much for reading my article!

Reply
Posts: 435
Lady
(@krisburton)
Honorable Member     The Hub City, New Jersey, United States of America
Joined: 2 years ago

A fascinating article Marie! I can relate especially to the feelings of crossdressing when you are in a relationship. I my instance I did not begin my crossdressing journey until i was 69 - two years ago now. Once I began, I knew there was no way I could or wanted to stop. Yet the taboo of what I was doing and the effect it might have on my marriage brought on not only fear but a stress which I could not endure. My choice was to quit or come out right away. I chose the latter, and it made all the difference in my case. My wife is accepting and supportive, and i am so glad i did not sell her short. I think being honest and not sneaking around is the key to overcoming much of this fear, at least in a marriage or relationship. Even if your relationship fails, you are not imprisoned by your lie of omission.

Reply
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