A Moment of Grace ........

The Burden of Lying     (He/She - Her/Him)

Until almost yesterday

                  I have lived the entirety of my life as a lie

Barely passing as a sweet boy

                  in a man's world

                  bearing the blessings and oftentimes curse of a sensitive heart

                                    of not being

                                    either / or

                  but desperately alone

                                    in the space

                                    between notions of gender and disgrace

This life where boys are not taught to be kind.

                                    but rather to be ready

                                                                        in cold determination

                                                                        to do what is required of them

Yesterday I let it go ... this burden of lying

                  before it's too late

                                    for fashionable tea in elegant dresses

                  before it's too late

                                    to let my nails grow longer than what is considered proper

Let go of enough deceit

                  to be able to explore this world

                  almost fully

                                    without the constraint of self denial

Now in this fleeting moment

                  where both / and can coexist

                                    time becomes my enemy

                                    here

                  when the corduroy texture of an old man's countenance slowly becomes mine

                                    here

                  when I can finally stop hiding my face when embracing a feminine spirit

                                    here

                  when I can still feel pretty

                                                        and strong

                                    and start to learn the grace of a girl's modesty and care

                                                      where wisdom, hard earned, and innocence can flourish    

                                                      embracing this strange paradox

It's a curious freedom to see the world without belonging to one thing

                                    but to all things instead

Perhaps it takes

                  almost a lifetime

                  of absurdity and pain

                  to understand ......

                                    somethings require a different kind of sacrifice

                                    to find the strength to open the petals of a flower

To move her out

                  of the darker shadows

                  of my imagination

                  into the light of possibilities

Until all that remains

                  is an empty chair

                  and a quiet fragrance

                  that lingers

                                    in the soft air