A Space to be Me
 
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A Space to be Me

94 Posts
21 Users
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Posts: 261
Lady
Topic starter
(@phil)
Reputable Member     Minnesota, United States of America
Joined: 8 years ago

Some days you feel sexier than others. Fridays are usually my day for feeling sexy. Maybe it’s because it’s the end of the work week or maybe it’s because that’s traditionally the day to take back our energy from whatever it is we do for a living. Yesterday was Friday.

In a perfect world I would be able to wear a cute outfit as I go to work and finish my week with a smile; however, it’s not a perfect world, so I put my stockings, panties, and short tight little black dress on under my normal uniform. ‘Underdressing’ is what it’s called.

My normal work uniform consists of a t-shirt, a button up maintenance shirt, and black jeans. Yes, I am in maintenance and therefore no cute shoes either. Boots, and since boots and stockings just don’t work I put on white sweat socks on top of the cute black stockings and then my boots. Taking a look in the full-length mirror in my bedroom I smiled and felt pretty. Little did I know what would happen in a few hours.

Fridays are busy and heavy for me at work. They always have been and always will be and I had a lot of layers on. Before the first two hours of work had finished I was sweating through my pretty black dress, t-shirt, and uniform shirt. I had to take the dress off or make a terrible showing of myself. Now comes the problem of where to put it. It’s little but it won’t fit in my pocket and if I just carry it out of the bathroom and put it in a cupboard then everyone will see and ask what it is? What am I going to do?

Sadly, I had to toss the dress. I wrapped it in some paper towels and put it on the bottom of the basket. I started my day feeling cute and sexy and ended without a dress and feeling drab.

But something happened that was more important than the loss of a dress. I, of course, initially went to that dark place we all know. Feeling alone and ashamed I continued doing my job under this cloud. We all know this place. It’s an internal landscape of judgment and shame. “Why am I so damn weird?” and “Why can’t I just be a normal man?” echoed in my own voice through my head. A person can feel so lonesome with these voices your only companion.

That’s when I remembered Crossdresser Heaven. Crossdresser Heaven is filled with people just like me. Everyone here has similar feelings, the same questions bounce around their heads, and most here have traveled the same path that I am and that made me feel better. The dark cloud lifted and I accepted myself a little bit more. I, like everyone here, am perfectly me. Whether in pants and boots or in a slip, dress, and makeup, we should continue to rejoice in the beauty and diversity of ourselves. Like a stained glass window that the sun is shining through we are a picture of mixed up beautiful colored landscape.

Never stop being yourselves, ladies and gentlemen. We are just as important and needed as everyone else.

Reply
93 Replies
Posts: 124
(@cdreluctant)
Estimable Member     Huntingdon, United States of America
Joined: 8 years ago

Read your article. I struggle a lot with wondering why I am the way I am. I fight against it daily because I feel like I would lose more than I can gain from dressing. just wanted to say I understand where you are coming from. a lot of people on here do, if not everyone. Thanks.

Reply
Posts: 39
Lady
(@pope3916gmail-com)
Eminent Member     Freedom, Pennsylvania, United States of America
Joined: 7 years ago

Your article was so perfect i've had the exact feelings and situations many times thank you for a little encouragement

Reply
4 Replies
Lady
(@phil)
Joined: 8 years ago

Reputable Member     Minnesota, United States of America
Posts: 261

Lori-
We're in this together girl. It's amazing how connecting with others like ourselves can help a person not feel alone and weird. We are just fine.

Reply
Lady
(@pope3916gmail-com)
Joined: 7 years ago

Eminent Member     Freedom, Pennsylvania, United States of America
Posts: 39

Yes we are so nice to have friends

Reply
Lady
(@pope3916gmail-com)
Joined: 7 years ago

Eminent Member     Freedom, Pennsylvania, United States of America
Posts: 39

Yes we are so nice to have friends

Reply
Lady
(@phil)
Joined: 8 years ago

Reputable Member     Minnesota, United States of America
Posts: 261

Lori-
We're in this together girl. It's amazing how connecting with others like ourselves can help a person not feel alone and weird. We are just fine.

Reply
Posts: 39
Lady
(@pope3916gmail-com)
Eminent Member     Freedom, Pennsylvania, United States of America
Joined: 7 years ago

Your article was so perfect i've had the exact feelings and situations many times thank you for a little encouragement

Reply
Posts: 14
Lady
(@insearch)
Active Member     Eugene, OR, United States of America
Joined: 7 years ago

Jessica, Thank you for not only sharing the pain of having to hide away the little black dress but also part of who you are. As you, I have my own experiences of hiding away and losing not only items but self esteem. The wondering of "Why am I like this," has been a refrain echoing in my brain. I am glad for your sharing which strengthens me and helps me connect with you, with others, and myself. I appreciate your gift.

Reply
4 Replies
Lady
(@phil)
Joined: 8 years ago

Reputable Member     Minnesota, United States of America
Posts: 261

Miss P.
Thank you for the comment. You know I have way more self esteem now that I've discovered and connected with so many other folks just like me. It's turned into a lovely journey.

Reply
Lady
(@insearch)
Joined: 7 years ago

Active Member     Eugene, OR, United States of America
Posts: 14

That is beautiful! May the beauty continue to shine.

Reply
Lady
(@insearch)
Joined: 7 years ago

Active Member     Eugene, OR, United States of America
Posts: 14

That is beautiful! May the beauty continue to shine.

Reply
Lady
(@phil)
Joined: 8 years ago

Reputable Member     Minnesota, United States of America
Posts: 261

Miss P.
Thank you for the comment. You know I have way more self esteem now that I've discovered and connected with so many other folks just like me. It's turned into a lovely journey.

Reply
Posts: 14
Lady
(@insearch)
Active Member     Eugene, OR, United States of America
Joined: 7 years ago

Jessica, Thank you for not only sharing the pain of having to hide away the little black dress but also part of who you are. As you, I have my own experiences of hiding away and losing not only items but self esteem. The wondering of "Why am I like this," has been a refrain echoing in my brain. I am glad for your sharing which strengthens me and helps me connect with you, with others, and myself. I appreciate your gift.

Reply
Posts: 120
Duchess
(@khloewest)
Estimable Member     Arcadia, CA, United States of America
Joined: 9 years ago

Well stated and appreciated!

I'm rather a lucky duck, in that I get to "dress" a little on the daily. Denim and a top a ubiquitous look, but all of ine are from that "Other side of the aisle",

Self employed for 3+ decades as a handyman with private clients. It ~was~ a bit of an adjustment to myself and the client base when I first discovered the real me in my early 50's and started the changes.

*Footnote* I was innocently, yet utterly unexpectedly, "outed" on my first "girl's night out" and simply rolled with it and owned that side of me in daily life. It's certainly had it's moments, but ultimately a great decision to go that route. *End Footnote*

Lady outer wear almost 24/7 (I save the ill fitting "boy duds" for crawling about in attics and under houses), even if only "lady" jeans and T's. Painted nails top and bottom on the 24/7 as well.

It's been a bit of an adjustment phase, but it's all running well.

Reply
4 Replies
Lady
(@phil)
Joined: 8 years ago

Reputable Member     Minnesota, United States of America
Posts: 261

Not till your 50's? Well, I'm almost 50 myself actually. I'm glad you're able to dress and be comfy in your own skin. That's great. I'm rather excited about where this is going.
Thank you for sharing.
Jess

Reply
Duchess
(@khloewest)
Joined: 9 years ago

Estimable Member     Arcadia, CA, United States of America
Posts: 120

And I thank YOU for the reply! Apologies for the delay, but recent life has been an odd level of busy.

In looking back from my early 50's? "She" had always been there, but my main battle was that of the FAT boy that I was in every day life. I tamped "her" WAY down in those years. Simply couldn't deal with the multiplicity of issues.

Suddenly (and in a good natured misunderstanding) "outed" in my first year and at my first night out on FB on me "boy profile" and just took a deep breath, uttered to myself "Here we go!", and rolled with it.

Not having thought out that I was the only one in the group lacking a dual persona? I was tagged in full dress and regalia in my "boy mode" on FB. Not knowing who might have already seen it, I didn't want to seem cowardly at stepping down and un-tagging myself.

Truth be told. A few folk I thought unlikely to axe me did...and a few marvelous folk that I've never known before with many kind words filled those vacancies.

Reply
Duchess
(@khloewest)
Joined: 9 years ago

Estimable Member     Arcadia, CA, United States of America
Posts: 120

And I thank YOU for the reply! Apologies for the delay, but recent life has been an odd level of busy.

In looking back from my early 50's? "She" had always been there, but my main battle was that of the FAT boy that I was in every day life. I tamped "her" WAY down in those years. Simply couldn't deal with the multiplicity of issues.

Suddenly (and in a good natured misunderstanding) "outed" in my first year and at my first night out on FB on me "boy profile" and just took a deep breath, uttered to myself "Here we go!", and rolled with it.

Not having thought out that I was the only one in the group lacking a dual persona? I was tagged in full dress and regalia in my "boy mode" on FB. Not knowing who might have already seen it, I didn't want to seem cowardly at stepping down and un-tagging myself.

Truth be told. A few folk I thought unlikely to axe me did...and a few marvelous folk that I've never known before with many kind words filled those vacancies.

Reply
Lady
(@phil)
Joined: 8 years ago

Reputable Member     Minnesota, United States of America
Posts: 261

Not till your 50's? Well, I'm almost 50 myself actually. I'm glad you're able to dress and be comfy in your own skin. That's great. I'm rather excited about where this is going.
Thank you for sharing.
Jess

Reply
Posts: 120
Duchess
(@khloewest)
Estimable Member     Arcadia, CA, United States of America
Joined: 9 years ago

Well stated and appreciated!

I'm rather a lucky duck, in that I get to "dress" a little on the daily. Denim and a top a ubiquitous look, but all of ine are from that "Other side of the aisle",

Self employed for 3+ decades as a handyman with private clients. It ~was~ a bit of an adjustment to myself and the client base when I first discovered the real me in my early 50's and started the changes.

*Footnote* I was innocently, yet utterly unexpectedly, "outed" on my first "girl's night out" and simply rolled with it and owned that side of me in daily life. It's certainly had it's moments, but ultimately a great decision to go that route. *End Footnote*

Lady outer wear almost 24/7 (I save the ill fitting "boy duds" for crawling about in attics and under houses), even if only "lady" jeans and T's. Painted nails top and bottom on the 24/7 as well.

It's been a bit of an adjustment phase, but it's all running well.

Reply
Posts: 982
Duchess Annual
(@firefly)
Noble Member     Panama, Panama, Panama
Joined: 7 years ago

I appreciate your moving article, Jessica.
I am a hider, coming back and forth. In a way I enjoy what some would call my dance between genders, although sometimes it is complicated. Well. Life ain't easy. Occassionally I suffer the pressure of the society in which I live. I would like not to have to worry about others value my way of life and I restrict myself so as not to cause unnecessary suffering to my loved ones, but I have to value myself and look for a balance. I do not fight against myself anymore. Well. Most of the time. I chase away my fears and my demons.
It hurts when I don't find time to enjoy it even in a simple way. Sometimes I just need perfume, panties, bra, shorts and a blouse to enjoy feminity. It is mostly in my mind and soul, I guess. I call it crossdressing my soul. I am still learning to understand the transgender woman in me. I love her. I love myself. It is the only way to be able to love others. Fortunately, I count on Crossdresser Heaven and my supportive sisters. I enjoy that space to be me.

Reply
2 Replies
Lady
(@phil)
Joined: 8 years ago

Reputable Member     Minnesota, United States of America
Posts: 261

Gisela-
I have to admit that as I’ve gotten older I care less and less for other people’s opinions on what I do or who I am. It has been so freeing. I sort of like to think of it as a gift.

Reply
Lady
(@phil)
Joined: 8 years ago

Reputable Member     Minnesota, United States of America
Posts: 261

Gisela-
I have to admit that as I’ve gotten older I care less and less for other people’s opinions on what I do or who I am. It has been so freeing. I sort of like to think of it as a gift.

Reply
Posts: 982
Duchess Annual
(@firefly)
Noble Member     Panama, Panama, Panama
Joined: 7 years ago

I appreciate your moving article, Jessica.
I am a hider, coming back and forth. In a way I enjoy what some would call my dance between genders, although sometimes it is complicated. Well. Life ain't easy. Occassionally I suffer the pressure of the society in which I live. I would like not to have to worry about others value my way of life and I restrict myself so as not to cause unnecessary suffering to my loved ones, but I have to value myself and look for a balance. I do not fight against myself anymore. Well. Most of the time. I chase away my fears and my demons.
It hurts when I don't find time to enjoy it even in a simple way. Sometimes I just need perfume, panties, bra, shorts and a blouse to enjoy feminity. It is mostly in my mind and soul, I guess. I call it crossdressing my soul. I am still learning to understand the transgender woman in me. I love her. I love myself. It is the only way to be able to love others. Fortunately, I count on Crossdresser Heaven and my supportive sisters. I enjoy that space to be me.

Reply
Posts: 6
Lady
(@rachelrua)
Active Member     Ulster, Ireland
Joined: 7 years ago

Hi Jessica.

I loved your article, like others I've had similar feelings to you and why is still a constant question in my mind. Whilst I've never thought of myself as "odd" or "weird", I've lost count of the times I wish I'd been born fully female, or wondered how much more straightforward life would be I was a normal man. I absolutely *despise* having to wear the suit/shirt/tie combination , it might be in my head of course, but I've yet to find a suit that even feels comfortable on (even if it's a good fit). Fortunately I work in IT, so can get away with the usual jeans, t-shirt and proverbial combat boots on a day to day basis, but even that might be on borrowed time as the company has a new owner with a much more formal dress code. Whilst nothing has been said to me, yet, I'm dreading having to conform to that.

There's many days I'm happy to not be the "normal man" too though. I see plenty of them around and there's little I admire with the pointless locker room talk, aggressiveness and general bravado. I've a good few very close female friends that I can chat with in a way I doubt I could if I was "normal man" , and I absolutely treasure the friendship with them. I've not told them about Rachel, but I wonder if they can pick up on her somehow.

It can be a very lonely path sometimes, I'm also glad to have found this place and know that it's not just me on this journey.

Rachel.
xxx

Reply
2 Replies
Lady
(@phil)
Joined: 8 years ago

Reputable Member     Minnesota, United States of America
Posts: 261

Rachel-
Thanks for reading my article! I’ve never understood the ‘locker room’ talk either. It’s just another way to feel superior.
Hugs Jess

Reply
Lady
(@phil)
Joined: 8 years ago

Reputable Member     Minnesota, United States of America
Posts: 261

Rachel-
Thanks for reading my article! I’ve never understood the ‘locker room’ talk either. It’s just another way to feel superior.
Hugs Jess

Reply
Posts: 6
Lady
(@rachelrua)
Active Member     Ulster, Ireland
Joined: 7 years ago

Hi Jessica.

I loved your article, like others I've had similar feelings to you and why is still a constant question in my mind. Whilst I've never thought of myself as "odd" or "weird", I've lost count of the times I wish I'd been born fully female, or wondered how much more straightforward life would be I was a normal man. I absolutely *despise* having to wear the suit/shirt/tie combination , it might be in my head of course, but I've yet to find a suit that even feels comfortable on (even if it's a good fit). Fortunately I work in IT, so can get away with the usual jeans, t-shirt and proverbial combat boots on a day to day basis, but even that might be on borrowed time as the company has a new owner with a much more formal dress code. Whilst nothing has been said to me, yet, I'm dreading having to conform to that.

There's many days I'm happy to not be the "normal man" too though. I see plenty of them around and there's little I admire with the pointless locker room talk, aggressiveness and general bravado. I've a good few very close female friends that I can chat with in a way I doubt I could if I was "normal man" , and I absolutely treasure the friendship with them. I've not told them about Rachel, but I wonder if they can pick up on her somehow.

It can be a very lonely path sometimes, I'm also glad to have found this place and know that it's not just me on this journey.

Rachel.
xxx

Reply
Posts: 2171
Ambassador
(@skippy1965)
Famed Member     Richmond, Virginia, United States of America
Joined: 9 years ago

Love the story Jessica. While i'm not as open as I want to be about Cyn, I am comfortable in my stealth dressing where all my clothes are actually women's clothes even if no obviously so. And while I used to-and on rare occasions still-wish that I was not "different" than guys, I have come to accept and love all of who I am and realize Cyn is a large-and perhaps the MOST part of what makes me who I am and that's a GOOD thing!
Cyn

Reply
2 Replies
Lady
(@phil)
Joined: 8 years ago

Reputable Member     Minnesota, United States of America
Posts: 261

Cyn

I have been slowly switching my clothing so I have and wear more women so clothes. While it’s not all the time it is a lot. Almost always in panties shoes, and a bra (the sports variety can’t really be noticed under-dressed).
Thanks for reading.
Jess

Reply
Lady
(@phil)
Joined: 8 years ago

Reputable Member     Minnesota, United States of America
Posts: 261

Cyn

I have been slowly switching my clothing so I have and wear more women so clothes. While it’s not all the time it is a lot. Almost always in panties shoes, and a bra (the sports variety can’t really be noticed under-dressed).
Thanks for reading.
Jess

Reply
Posts: 2171
Ambassador
(@skippy1965)
Famed Member     Richmond, Virginia, United States of America
Joined: 9 years ago

Love the story Jessica. While i'm not as open as I want to be about Cyn, I am comfortable in my stealth dressing where all my clothes are actually women's clothes even if no obviously so. And while I used to-and on rare occasions still-wish that I was not "different" than guys, I have come to accept and love all of who I am and realize Cyn is a large-and perhaps the MOST part of what makes me who I am and that's a GOOD thing!
Cyn

Reply
Posts: 595
Ambassador
(@marianne65)
Honorable Member     Uppsala, Uppland, Sweden
Joined: 7 years ago

Jessica, thank you for your willingness to share youre ups and downs with us here on CDH. As for myself I have very seldom asked why. I accepted being girl in mind very young and always wished I had gotten a body to match that. Still it took 35 years of secret dressing before I could fulfill my longtime whish to go out dressed as a woman and yet a couple of years before i started coming out to friends and family

Reply
2 Replies
Lady
(@phil)
Joined: 8 years ago

Reputable Member     Minnesota, United States of America
Posts: 261

Marianne-
I have read so many heartfelt things here from ladies just like me. I'm glad to hear that you can be yourself now. (If I read your letter right) I have just recently figured out what all of that was about, and so it's all very exciting for me.
Hugs
Jess

Reply
Lady
(@phil)
Joined: 8 years ago

Reputable Member     Minnesota, United States of America
Posts: 261

Marianne-
I have read so many heartfelt things here from ladies just like me. I'm glad to hear that you can be yourself now. (If I read your letter right) I have just recently figured out what all of that was about, and so it's all very exciting for me.
Hugs
Jess

Reply
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