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Dabbing my toes in the water of femininity. Is this what I’m really doing or am I a creature of unknown origins? A collection of thoughts and actions that show neither a true path nor a divergence from safety and the familiar.
Enough with the existentialism. Just what the heck am I? This is the thought that is always in my mind and affects me daily as I try to navigate a path that one moment seems free of obstacles to one that even the best pathfinder couldn’t track. In years past, this would be another anxiety to face. It goes far deeper than my infatuation with femininity. I am most assuredly something more than a heterosexual crossdresser that pretends in the land of womanhood.
The separation of what it all means is where my difficulty lies. There is a woman in me as surely as there is a man. I’ve never taken hormones so I have no idea if they would suppress the one and enhance the other. Would that ease the anxiety? Make it worse? It’s funny, but I think that if I could move out of my well-known life here and start anew I might be more of a male crossdresser. I would be happy living as a female and donning the persona of a man to do what was needed to get by. So, what stops me. Simply put…my life and responsibilities. I live with and take care of my aging parents. Neither know nor suspect my true nature. My mother has stage 3 lung cancer and suffers from dementia. My 94-year-old father gets by fairly good but our personalities clash. I could be in this role for a year or 5, maybe more. Leaving them to fend on their own isn’t an option. Not in my book. My sister is in equally bad health and may not survive much longer either. That leaves me.
I’m a puzzle solver. I see the big picture and I can easily become frustrated by narrow minds and stubbornness. (I have my own moments…) I accept rational explanations and the grey areas as equals. I choose to stay quiet rather than create a ruckus. I concede to avoid senseless arguing. I hide rather than presenting a truer me. There are times that I wish I could only be self-focused and do only for myself; it would sure ease some of the anxieties. But…money, relationships, my parents and sister, my kids, grandkids, career, health, the list extends on. What am I willing to sacrifice? I don’t suffer from gender dysphoria, not to the point where I hate my maleness and suffer because of it. I just want to be more feminine. I want breasts, long hair, and the hair to be gone where it shouldn’t be. The need for complete surgery…not sure. Without the benefit of hormones, I feel as if I’m 60-70% female. Would that change? Does a woman feel 100% female or the manly man 100% male? Do I have to be at least 90% sure to proceed?
This is the life puzzle that I keep trying to put together. It’s only a million pieces or so. I envy those who had much smaller puzzles, especially those who have completed theirs; mine might never be completed. However, I’ve not given up putting it together. In my mind, it’s the process that is the most important. I’m doing something, albeit sometimes at a snail’s pace. I’m going to take another step soon and meet with a therapist to help me answer some of the prevailing questions. We will be studying each other and playing a game…this I know, because it’s who I am and why I’ve declined this route for a long time. In another life, I might have been the one doing the counseling.
One of the anxieties that we impose on ourselves is the need to have some form of finality or scripted direction. Never has this been truer than in today’s “You are with us or against us” mentality. Society no longer values middle ground. Yet, that’s exactly where 80% of us reside with the other 20% occupying the extremes. Sadly, they are the voice that speaks loudest and the ones who propagate hatred towards differing thoughts. It has gotten so bad that it has become the “Norm.” We blindly follow and act in kind. Why? What happened to awareness and common sense? Oh, yeah…pressure to conform or accept directives from every sector of our lives; with us or against us…
I found this discussion on being transgender to be helpful. What It Means to Be Transgender (webmd.com) I sometimes wonder, “Do I belong on this site? Is it only for those who are “Pure Crossdressers” or for those who feel this site should exclude those who considered themselves a variant of transgender or any other term?” Short answer. Yes, I belong here and no it isn’t. This site is for anyone who feels they have a feminine side to them, whether related to dressing only or performance art, and for those who feel an inner female inside and wish to share and learn more about it (themselves.) CDH is where we can all learn from those who have experienced what it is to be a crossdresser at all levels or from those who decided to take their next steps, regardless of what those might be. Someone has done what we consider to be our next possibility. Hearing from them, learning from them, this is what this place is about.
I spend more time here on Crossdresser Heaven than I do on Transgender Heaven. I share my journey here in hopes that I might help others navigate to Transgender Heaven if they feel they might be more, too. I’m also comfortable in calling this place my home, even as I’ve realized that I am more than what might be considered a “traditional crossdresser.” I used to fear that revelation the most. I put stress on myself to accept that I was transgendered and that it must entail a need to transition. Now I don’t. I just have to find the me that I can live peacefully with. What that means today can be dramatically altered down the road. It could go either way. I just don’t know. What will never change is that I am a combination of male and female. That is my certainty. It does me no good to wish upon a star or regret that I didn’t do something earlier or feel as if it’s too late. It isn’t. There is no time limit on becoming…
Let kindness be your guide and understanding be your mentor. Until next time…
Brina
Thank you Brina Your writing reads like a poem. I can assure you. You are not alone.
Luv Stephanie
Loved reading you article. It congers up many thoughts. More confusion and yet more clarity. Thank you.
Hugs Kathy
Brina ,How nice , I know how you feel , i to took care of my mom in her last years of life , its not easy to be a care giver , not at all . I loved my mom and miss her so , I was wore out all the time , lost my temper some times and so regret it . Am i trans ? am i gay , bi , female ? , does being a male to female make it ok to love a man ?, so many questions , so few answers . I to find this place so comforting , so many people like me . Sometimes i am so feme feeling inside i just want to force my self to come out , but , I also know i live in a very unaccepting area , and i need help with my place , its large and my neighbors help me so much , i just can't come out to them , i wish i could . My life as female i want so much , its just not the way now . When i was young i would get so angry at my self for cross dressing , and sometimes i would question my sexuality , i would see a nice looking man and have thoughts . I finally came to the conclusion i needed to tell someone , someone i could trust , and i did. He took it quite well for a minute and then changed the subject and i haven't herd from him in over a year . Did i make a mistake be telling him ? , did i ? , i'll never know i guess . I do know it made me feel so good inside my self , i am trans i told him and it was like i took a thousand pounds off my shoulders , but was it fair to him ?, was i selfish in doing this ? Brina , we live our lives as best we can under the circumstances we live in , not all can be that person inside , we could hurt people we care about , this world now is very hostel towards women like us , some have died because of who they were , i am afraid , i don't want to be hurt or cause pain to those i care about so i suffer in silence and probably will for the rest of my time here . Sometimes i use alcohol as a crutch it helps sometimes , but its just temporary and i know this . I keep hoping to find and make a close friend to confide in , someone i can visit or them me , but its hard to find someone who's good at heart , an honest person , him or her , a CD or not , just a good friend to talk to . Do you feel this way ? , do you have someone close to were you live to meet , talk to , i hope so . Being a care giver to your parents , sister people you love takes a lot out of you , it did me , my being Leslie sometimes really helped , i so love her for being in me when i had time to enjoy her . Brina make time for your self , you deserve it , it will make you feel more at ease , relieve some stress , do this for yourself . Thanks for letting me bend your ear , if you need to have someone to talk to i am here , i am a good listener , hope you are ok and well , your friend Leslie
Leslies,
You had a lot in there. I can so relate to your comments about your Mom. I know it's going to get worse as she slips physically and mentally. It's really true when others say that your parents become your toddlers at the end. I've not found a close friend to confide in...which isn't surprising as I've been an introvert all my life. I have a very close male friend from childhood. I don't want to damage that relationship...not yet.
I like the company of others, but I do cherish my solitude. I never knew how much so until after my divorce and the failed relationship after that. I moved from one relationship to the other from the time I was 17. The last 10 years have given me some inner perspective on what it means to be in a relationship. I won't say never again, but that person you speak of...they will probably be the one if I do. I tend to only keep 1 or 2 close to me and the rest are more casual...still important.
Thanks for the comments 🙂
Thank you so much Brina! Your post is beautifully written and although my circumstances are different from yours your words give me comfort as I wrestle with the same questions.
Brina, you hit the nail on the head! If I didn't know better, I'd say we were sister/brothers from different mothers. Thanks much for the article!! Kendra
Only when I'm not trying to use a hammer with long coffin-shaped nails...lol. I write to hopefully inspire others or at least make them feel not alone in their feelings. I appreciate the comments 🙂 Thank you!
Thank you for your article. Your question of "what am I" is poignant. I found my answer in Native American beliefs. Many tribes believe that every child is born with a spirit, usually matching their physical gender. Sometimes however, a child is born with two spirits. One or the other can be dominant or they can be equal. This two spirit person is believed to be a third gender. They are accepted as a natural and necessary part of the community.
I believe this is where we are. Cross dressers are two spirit, third gender. We express ourselves as our spirits wish to be expressed at any one time. Male, female, androgynous, full time as one or part time as either.
Since I learned this belief from an elder I have found peace. My dominant spirit is female but she coexists with the male peacefully. ❤
Beth
I've read some of that before from articles here on CDH and on the internet. It's our society that causes hatred and negativity towards those who don't conform. Some cultures were so far ahead in their understanding and acceptance. We can only wish. Thanks for the comments 🙂
Very interesting article, Brina! A lot of thought went into it. I'm a family caregiver as well. My elderly Daddy lives with me, and I help take care of him so I can relate. Although you had a lot of questions in the beginning, near the end of the article you had some answers. You also seem to be content with yourself. I'm very content being just a CD, and like you, CDH is my home too. We are a family here and yes, we learn from one another.
Rev
I'm content in knowing that I'm a work in progress that might never be completely finished. I've given up on trying to be either or and accepted that which I am currently, might be down the road, or not. This is most assuredly a needed and wonderful site! Thanks for the comments 🙂
Brina wrote: " I don’t suffer from gender dysphoria, not to the point where I hate my maleness and suffer because of it. I just want to be more feminine. I want breasts, long hair, and the hair to be gone where it shouldn’t be." I feel exactly the same, Brina. And I know I'm really a girl on the inside, but I won't transition, for multiple reasons, including a wife whose health is rapidly declining. Should I be on Transgender Heaven, anyway? We seem to have a lot in common, and I enjoyed reading the thoughts of someone whose journey is so similar to mine.
Hugs,
Bettylou
Bettylou,
It's kind of why I write for both sites and am the Managing editor for both. I belong in both places because I can identify with both. Until I take the plunge and actually decide that some form of transition is in my future, I'm transgendered and a crossdresser. I learn a lot from those on the other site who have transitioned or are going through that process. It helps to center me reading about their feelings...in regard to my own. There are a lot of us on this site and we have a few strictly crossdressers on the other site, too. There are some similarities--overlap as one would expect. I think that some of us grow through our stages from it being a fetish to full-fledged CD to sometimes figuring out we are transgendered. Thanks for the response 🙂
For many years I existed with the classic duality of two separate personas male and female. Dressing when opportunity allowed. Now I dress to be me. I’m one personality more femme than male but happy with my maleness despite this.
I believe there is a growing middle ground and recognition that whist sex is relatively simple Gender is more complex and doesn’t exist as polar xtremes. Tolerance of diversity is being encouraged both through social pressures and in many countries through legislation. As a result it’s possible for some high profile people to express themselves as non binary and begin to break the mould.
For myself I’m trying to be brave and be myself allowing my femininity to show and my maleness too. I’m certainly happier.
Hugs
Lisa xxx
I think that is great. I can see that day coming...though a long way off. I do what I can to be some of it...clean-shaven, the scents I wear on my body, some of the daily clothing, the walk (which is feminine compared to the bull in the China shop of yesteryear). I hope to someday include the pierced ears, the longer hair, even more.
I really appreciate your comments! Thank you 🙂
Wonderful article, Brina. You capture my confusion and indecision perfectly. I have no idea where I’m going in this crazy life of mine.
Hugs, Jillian
Thank you Jillian. If you get there before I do, let me know where the bus dropped you off at...
We can only wish...lol. Seems like we bought a ticket but didn't get the map of stops and all the routes and destinations have been removed from the inside so we don't know where we're headed or when to get off.
Brian, thank you for your thoughts. . . . and heart. Your articles are always replete with both. Many times articles are frothy with "pink fog" emotion. That's OK, good in fact. All that is written here at CDH fill a need both for the author and for the reader.
But there is more to one's CD / trans life than "pink fog". More often than not there is the substance of intense struggle, questions without definitive answers, deep emotional pain, dare I say sacrifice, etc. that are so close to so many of us. Regularly your articles, because they are cerebral yet full of your heart carry us through the "pink fog" to reality where the majority of our life must be lived, often painfully and though not alone yet lonely. Not all of us have aged parents or siblings to lovingly and sacrificially care for, nevertheless we do have our responsibilities that mitigate our femme expression thereby creating inner irritation that at times can be so bitter.
Your article, this one especially captures so much of my inner unrest. In it I found encouragement to help navigate my troubled waters. Truly in your heartfelt sharing of thoughts I find much help. . . and comfort. Thank you
Kindly,
Charrie
Charrie,
Wow...thank you for the supportive comments and your clarity! That's exactly why I write the articles for the site. To not only share me, but to hopefully help others as well. There are two prevailing winds that whip us daily, "Be one of us" and "Find your balance" One demands, and the other searches for peace. They could easily be written just for us. Sometimes it's our very own hearts and minds that fight and give us the most stress. Both have strong messages and only each of us can determine what, and how much of either to adhere to.
Thanks for sharing your insights 🙂
Brina,
My appreciation for your commitment to the difficult task of caring for your parents. I know from experience what it means to be the sole caregiver in this situation. In the end it is family taking care of family.
I know that it is difficult to not be able to find the answers we seek but there is still immense value in the never ending search.
My best to you and family.
Linda
Thank you for the kind words, Linda. I agree with their being value in the search. That is what we sometimes forget as we are programmed to believe in either/ or. Thanks for the comments 🙂
Brina!
Loved your story, and your writing chops.
We both have these things in common, i.e. the need to exppose our womanly traits and writing about them.
My wife, a Westmores of Hollywood grad for makeup artistry, and I have an Instructional School for CDers.
Loved the story on the ART of CDIng in last edition. That author and I have been in communications about the subject. Neither of us want to give up being men, who happen to cross dress.
I am so pleased that you are able to follow your dreams, based on your emotional erges, and the supportive structure of your life.
Best of everything in your future, Dear....
Love to you, Dr.T.J.
T.J.
Thank you for responding. Glad to hear you have reached out to Alexandra. I think the hardest thing, and not just for me or CD's in general is to realize there is no such thing as a "perfect world." We can only be who we are and find a balance that we can not only live with but thrive in as well!
My best to you, too 🙂
Truly one of the best written articles I'm read in a very long time...so many shared feelings and emotions. God Bless you!
