A Reflection on Passing - a woman's point of view

What a lovely article and perspective! I loved both of you before this article and now even more! The simple perspective of owning it and having fun is liberating. It is also the sad reality that regardless of efforts, people will look, and they will judge. It is part of our existence. My therapist and I talked about the hard wired female competitive genes in competing for their ideal mate. That sometimes brings out some negative behaviors like the harsh judging and inappropriate commenting you noted. Honestly, the story of the older woman making a snarky comment like that is simply appalling and, unfortunately, not surprising. Why do I love both of you? You are living your best lives together and the world be dammed if they don't like it. Thank you both for setting such a wonderful example for all of us!

Thank you ladies for your "passing" article. When I go out dressed I hope that people  wonder if I am a man or a woman as I know I can never pass as a woman. I hope that their reaction is not "it's a bloke in a skirt!"

I learned a lot about passing in my few outings. After my first makeover, I went out to the local diner with the woman who ran the transformation business. When we were leaving, the (woman) manager asked us how everything was. I was relieved when my friend answered, but then the manager directed the question to me. I gave her an answer in my little practiced feminine voice. I was relieved at the time, but when I think about it in retrospect, I think she knew, didn't say anything, and didn't care that I was male.

About a year later, the woman running the transformation business was putting on a "fashion" show in the life of a girl for her 5th anniversary at a local hotel. After our rehersal, the group of about 40, with only a couple of genetic women, went out to dinner. The seating area was down a ramp from the waiting area. It was a family style meal, so we all paid a fixed amount, and when finished with the meal we could go back to get ready for the show.

As I was leaving, with some people still at the table, I overheard an elderly woman (waiting at the top of the ramp) say to her friend, "You see that table of women over there? I don't think they're women; I think they're men." The tone was one of curiosity, or perhaps "Now that's something you don't see every day." So I knew that, as a group, to at least this woman, (I didn't stay around for her friend's answer), they did not pass. But no commotion was made, no one who was still at the table had any idea.

What I learned from these experiences is that you don't know what people are thinking, or saying out of earshot. As long being treated with respect is more important than "passing."

We all know that we can't fool all of the people. Most people would be happy to get 95% on a test. But passing 95% means 1 in 20 recognize you as not being born female. With that realization, is passing that critical?

Tiffany, the women who made comments are just rude. Maybe they just need to be reminded of Thumper from "Bambi": "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all."

Many thanx to putting a label on it i.e. "the girl code". To me the "code" has resulted in women being a bunch of wimps-running up the white flag so to speak.And many kudos to you to buck the "code". Most usually I wind being the most "overdressed" wherever I am but do get a lot of compliments from women. I have wanted to say "so why don't you dress up"? I guess I would have wasted my time as the girl code seems to rule

As I see it, there are two types of "passing". The first is you look like a genetic woman, and there are a surprising number of ladies here who...at least judging by some of the pictures posted here. No doubt that is every CD/tans persons ultimate dream. The reality is my second type of passing, and that is looking enough like a woman that it makes people wonder, or, and more importantly, it makes us look enough like a woman that we are accepted as woman even though others know, or highly suspect we are male, or possibly trans. This is were the confidence the OPs talk about come in. 

While I know up close I do not pass, I feel I make enough of a presentable appearence as a woman that anybody I interact with will treat me as such. In my experience people I have face to face interactions just accept the fact that I am a guy that either presents as a woman, or that I am trans. Either way I am treated with respect and just as a normal person.

I was recently at a National Historic Place en femme (there is a picture in my gallery,) and was reading some sign boards while another woman was near by, but probably not close enough to see if I was a GG or CD. When I was back at my van she was walking toward her adventure camper, saw me and came over and we talked about adventure travel in our rigs. It was a totally normal conversation. Now, at this point there is no doubt that I am a male en femme, or trans, but that didn't matter. This, to me, is the second form of passing. Just being accept for who I am, and confidence in my appearence is what allows that. I will never totally pass as the first type of CD, but I am confortable being seen and interacting with people while dressed en femme. 

Wonderful article, words to live by! Thank you both

What a nice and beautiful article.

With us it was so "on succeeding".

My wife also knows about my feminine side and somewhere in 2018 we "coincidentally" went out together. At one point I went outside as a woman and was driving. My wife called me, after work, that she was in a store and didn't know what to choose, she needed someone. So I went to that store as a woman. This did not go as expected. When she saw me I turned out to be too conspicuous and everyone, yes even little girls, looked at me. My wife didn't feel good about that.

Later we talked about it and it turned out that I was not dressed at my age. My dress was too short and no appropriate shoes (too high) and my wig didn't pull on anything, also my make-up.

Afterwards she helped me choose dresses and we talk about the shoes. She doesn't wear heels, but she is amazed that I can walk in heels. And here too, the height of a heel decreases with age. My make-up changed because of my wife and got a shorter wig which made me look more "natural".

Women now wear more sneakers or sports shoes than they used to. They are even worn at weddings or other occasions. But there are still jobs where it is "required" that a woman wears a heel.

When I go outside now, I will usually ask my wife if everything is okay. Not if I will pass, but if I will go along...... no she doesn't, after that one time. She does ask afterwards, how has it been.

And sometime in 2022 I was standing at a parking payment terminal when a couple came to stand next to me, they asked how the thing worked and I told them. Afterwards, the couple said "thanks for your help ma'am".

Then I knew that my wife was right, you could call it "successful", but because of my adjusted style I had become better and less striking.
Had I still been there like 2018, the couple would never have appealed to me.

And it's right, you shouldn't be too conspicuous among people, but you should feel good in what you're wearing and how you feel inside.

Love Francinebe

You write a beautiful article and so fortunate to have an understanding wife. My wife also understands but has limits and so I often go out with my other cd friends. I’m in the south east Michigan area. Sometimes I like fall and spring with just the right amount of outer jackets however, during the summer, I am playing out with as then as a T-shirt, which definitely shows the plus or see breasts, amazingly, even without a wig on, but a baseball cap. Other people do not stare I guess the ad Asians look all the same sometimes even in gender he he he I am third generation Japanese – I joined the older group now 80 years old keep going and enjoy life it’s amazing what progress has been made, but there seems to be a lot of pushback from radical right. So sorry that had to happen.