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The greatest struggle we face is not from the world, from others, from society. The greatest struggle we face in the trans community is to look within ourselves and accept the beautiful person we are. Everything flows from there - all the joys we experience, the people we meet and the life lessons we learn. Today I'd like to share a comment that a reader, Violette left on Crossdresser Heaven a few weeks ago. It touched me, and I pray that if can find a way into your heart.
It is amazing how much of a difference accepting yourself can make. That feeling when you can face the world proud of who you are and unafraid of what others will think. For me this made all the difference in the world.
Unfortunately we will continue to deal with others who will not approve of our differences, or will try to mold us as you said into something that walks, talks and acts like them. What do we do about it? Well until we accept ourselves we hide in our houses (or bedrooms and bathrooms while we still live with our parents). We purge our clothes believing that without the means the temptation will go away. We try to avoid talking about things that would out us, and fight our natural mannerisms so that people will believe in the character we have created to face the outside world. We suffer within and thrash around trying to find a way to fit into their mold so we wont have to deal with the torment they dish out.
As time goes on we realize that that our own reactions are making things worse. By hiding we build an internal feeling of shame. By purging we realize that without the release from part time dressing we build to a breaking point that adds stress to all aspects of our lives, not to mention breaking the bank with repetitive shopping. By holding our tongues we find we want to scream, or that we let slip more and more of what we want to say only to be met by jokes since we have hidden who we really are in the beginning. Finally by avoiding who we are so others will believe us "normal" we start to become the character we have created for their eyes which only causes us more suffering as we see the distance to ourselves growing evermore.
Thank you Vanessa for this and you many other posts. I feel that acceptance is the most important step in our journeys. No matter where you land in the gender spectrum it is important to accept yourself as you are and recognize the beauty in the differences. Even if you don't know if you are a cd, tg, ts, tv, or whatever other term you can think of the acceptance of self is indeed the first step in arming yourself against the attitudes of the unenlightened. Acquiring others acceptance is still going to be a challenge especially with the stigmas around transgender in the public past, however once others can see you as you and not as a distant thing life can become more comfortable and at least some of the fears can be washed away.
the main reason why we struggle to accept our selves is because of the outside factors we have to deal with and put up with.. So, is not always that we don't accept our selves.. is more like REALITY is too harsh and life is not as easy as some try to make it sound like for others..
sometimes is a decision that some of us have to make and in the end, is not always the right decision to make for most. Our goals in life adds a whole lot of weight to our choices and in the end for some, if we can not see our selves as we truly are while we are achieving some of our other important goals, then some things have to be put on hold..
most people in life are not self-fish regardless of what some believe, and because of that, other things like family add more weight to our final decisions..
Is not easy to be trans, and is not meant to be easy.. The only time when it is easy is when we are careless and dont care about anyone else other then our selves. And because of things like that, many families get destroyed in one way or another all because in the end, it was about the individual that wanted to make a change for them selves without caring for what others have to said.. Is important to find happiness but in my opinion, happiness should not come with a price..
Regardless of the so called acceptance this days.. People does not truly accept others when they are different. We have to be realistic about things, that is why most trans people keep things to them selves because of the real dangers in life which is mainly other people..
so true !
after hiding my true self for decades, I've never felt such peace & happiness since I've gone public ~ confidence is the key !
My personal belief is that we are our own worst critics. I have come out basically everywhere and for the most part have been met with acceptance. There are a few people who won't talk to me now, but they are in the minority definitely. Becoming a member of a transgender group has also helped me a great deal. It's funny: when I go out in public as myself I imagine people laughing at me behind my back (which I am sure happens), but when I actually do look around, most people aren't even looking at me. Instead, they are going on about their lives. Children notice a lot more often than adults, and little kids have this wide-eyed look usually accompanied by a smile, so cute! I feel very fortunate, and rarely suffer from the crippling self-doubt I used to have most of the time when I was in the closet. It does get better, and thank-you to Vanessa and the other ladies that post here. It is definitely inspirational.
It's funny how sometimes some people don't even know there's a self that needs accepting. I know all too well what denial is and I think the longer a person lives in it, the more damage that gets done. Accepting myself is something I wish I did a very long time ago. Looking back, I realize I didn't even know I was free to choose. I read current events a lot these days and I just love how there are so many young people making these choices. Why do they do it? They are simply accepting themselves. That TG that won prom queen at her high school a month ago is just awesome!
Absolutely. Any way we can exchange emails? I don't mind any other CDs or TGs (or even the wives of) on here getting my email address, but it's the other participants of a public forum that I don't want to have to sort through.
Beautifully written, l have finally came out at 55 after years of torment and anguish!!!!!!!
Susan that's great, I've been sort of thinking of coming out but still afraid, some day, soon I hope!!!
It's some thing we men cannot escape, once it's in the blood it won't go away, it will for a little while but always re-surfaces, I've been Elaine for so may years!!
Elaine, I do the same thing, things go ok for awhile, I'm out and about, then all of a sudden, I'm back inside my safe place.
I really want to be out enjoying life as who I was born to be.
well said...once you get to that point, everything is so much easier, one reason i'm listed under my given name is, i live in a small town an everyone know's your business anyway, so im comfortable with who i am so i put my "gina" photo's on my profile. the biggest hurdle to leap is all in your own mind, once your comfortable with you, you'll free yourself of a lot of mental stress...free your mind the rest will follow.
Beautiful thoughts from a beautiful lady
So far I love your advice. Right now i'm still trying to get up the nerve to go shopping while wearing a skirt. But living in the Bible Belt is very difficult. But one of these days It will happen. Thanks "Elaine"
This is a nice article, but I have already accepted who I am, the problem is, one, living in an unhealthy environment that does not fit my personality, which is NYC, a very masculine and tough city, where people are always looking at you. I feel they look at me particularly being a white male in an area which is more mixed, so if I dressed, people would stare even more. I have not had anyone see me dressed, except my ex years ago, so I don't know if I would pass, and being that the only group for crossdressers near by is in Times Square, where I am not comfortable travelling to, plus you have to pay to be a member. I would like to go to Macys some day to get some help in buying appropriate clothes, but I'm waiting for extra money to be able to do that. So, until I am able to move to a place that fits my sensitive nature, I don't think I will be able to go outside as I really am, which makes it very difficult feeling trapped where you don't belong.
I think the West coast is calling you Samantha 🙂
I can't comment too much on NYC, only having lived in Washington and California. I think you'd have an easier time in both of those states being who you are.
Hi all, so nice to keep the conversation with u gals. Thank u for the response, def will need a change of pace, was actually lookin northeast, near Oregon or possibly Seattle. Ive been ponderin this question more and i feel therr r diff reasons for not goin out yet as my true self, diff values than others, im often too serious, emotional at times, more into nature and music than fashion. Thats another thing,although ive been this way since forever, didnt really xplore it till last few years, so gettin away from it not just bout sex, but also the masculine side. When im ready to fully bloom, the world best be ready;) luv ya'll Samantha Jane
Hi Vanessa, thanks for responding to my comments, I really appreciate it. I don't always have people to talk as Samantha, besides websites like this, so do you have other suggestions for ways to chat with others, maybe from the West Coast, or Northwest, so that I can find out more about other places where I may fit in?
Thanks, have a wonderful day!
Samantha Jane
i understand all the comments you saying. ive been cross dressing since high school. i love it. the problem with me i dress up at home havent gotten to go out in public yet i want to so bad. many of my family and friends know and they are ok with it its important to have them as ur support system.love beonkia
Im dyin to go outside too, but here's what i think, if we really wanted to then we would. Each person is differrnt but for me the other reasons i have not yet is because i have other things in life just as impt if not more, like my love for music, nature, non violence activism. To me it goes to this, do i want to go outside to meet someone for a poss relationship as a woman or do i just want to have sex? I guess im not at the point where i want feminine friends as ive never been close to many people
Anyway, thats my point, when we figure out why we want to be en femme outside, then we wont have inhibitions stopping us. Hope this helps.
Its so great to read all these blogs I am 43 slowly coming out but still don't have the courage to do so as I have three children that I do not believe they will understand My wife has been amazing and is very accepting Thank you to all the ladies that leave there storys
Hi Paula,
Thank you dear for being part of our community! It may seem daunting right now, but trust yourself and make progress every day. You'll be amazed at where you'll be in 6 months, 1 year, 2 years. Best wishes dear!
A pleasure hon, *hugs*
The battle we face with ourselves is the hardest one I have fought and still fight but your words are so true because I denied my true feelings my hiding it away has cost me dear regarding family who have not accepted the true me because I didn't tell them the truth a long time ago but I hope with time they will see being truthful about myself has made me a happier person they will come to accept I am still the same person but the person I should be not the person I was born and hid behind till I was in my late forties xx
