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Back Then…
I used to worry as much as I wondered. I still do to an extent but in vastly different ways. It used to be all about the reasons that God made me this way, gave me these irrational and shameful feelings. I’d worry about whether I was abnormal, a deviant, or things far worse. The last thing I wanted was to be a woman, dress like a woman, or have anything to do with being part of the LGBTQ world.
And then…
I got older, purged, bought, purged some more, bought even more, and slowly found acceptance for what (still working on the final answer) I was. I am many things, which I believe we all are, man or woman. This world will go to extra lengths to box us in, and segregate us into a category, a label, a derogatory name. It’s for their benefit only, but the stigma and backlash it creates is something that must be endured.
If you hold up two identical tee shirts, made of the same fabric, the same process, one pink and one blue, why does the color define you? Should it? It’s not nearly as bad today as it was in the past. I have seen many (manly) men wearing pink… proudly and without fear of ridicule. I admit, even though I did so in anger toward myself and the need to put it elsewhere, calling out a boy wearing pink when I was younger. (Not going to share the names I used, but they were awful.) Secretly, later, I would be ashamed of myself for both calling him names and wanting to wear that shirt. I did have the luxury of wearing bell-bottom jeans and keeping my hair longer… Styles change, and perceptions change, so why doesn’t the need for labeling? They move on to mother descriptors to vandalize those they wish to eradicate. The worst group, by far, is all politicians. Slam the opposition to garner votes.
Back then…
The moments I would steal to satisfy the building pressure within me to don items associated with femininity, only to feel ashamed of the reflection in the mirror and unfulfilled promises to never do it again. Rarely did those items ever stick around for longer than a week or two. I hid them in the rafters above the garage, in my golf bag, and under the stairs behind the Christmas items. The harder they were to get to was just as important as it was in hiding them from others (wife, children, my parents early.) They may have been hidden, but the worry and stress over what it meant to have them and why was probably worse (even if self-inflicted) than their discovery.
I shared the story often that my ex would end us if she ever found out I was dressing again after catching me in the first year of our marriage in her old prom dress. The way that she found out was the worst, and at the time, put me at my lowest point. The next few years were always an explosion waiting to happen as she held all the strings to my secrets. What if she… She did, and I survived. “We’re never telling the kids!” I kept silent; she told them. I’m the one who has a good relationship with our children today, not her. I took pictures of myself in a babydoll nighty, 6-inch platform white heels with white stockings, a full beard, and severely over-weight. Stresses about my feminine needs and the decline of our relationship feeding each other. Compared to my pictures of today, these were awful, bad, ridiculous, and of poor taste. Downloaded to a folder on the computer, erased off the camera, looked at, was thoroughly disgusted by, erased from the computer, the trash bin emptied, a search done on the computer for photos, feeling it was safe, the items purged, and… the worst photo somehow pops up when she logged onto the computer…
I came home and she told me she needed to talk to me. I will never forget the satisfied and vengeful smile that played across her face as she showed me the picture, and pointed to the boxes and suitcase as she held true to her promise.
And now…
All my stresses, worries, and fears were symptoms and not an uncurable abnormality. I can see the signs so clearly today when studying my past. I am and have always been a Crossdresser who is likely more. I love femininity and its expression, either personally or in others. If I’d been born 25 years later, I would have been on a completely different path and my life may not have felt so lonely. This site, and to a greater extent, this medium that I am a part of has brought me acceptance, gratitude, understanding, comradery, hope, expectations, joy, deliverance, satisfaction, a hint of jealousy, desire, and so much more. I may be getting older, but I still see the beautiful maiden when I look in the mirror. What’s funny: I only enjoy looking in the mirror as Brina. The other reflection that needs to shave and do the mundane male things is something I need to see to get by until I am truly me again…
Until next time… look back and see your own signs, remember some of those moments, and see them with a new perspective. We can change ourselves, so just maybe, we can help to change the world that rallies against us. Be kind to others and allow yourself some grace…
@bmactavish Beautifully written Brina. You shared your thoughts and experiences in a most eloquent way. Thank for for that poignant read.
GP
@bmactavish Brina, thank you for sharing your story. I see overlap between mine and yours and so many other girls here. Hiding clothing, feeling shame and guilt.
I wish you were able to be Brina as much as you would like. I too have questioned why God made me this way and never came up with a satisfactory answer so am working as you suggest-to show myself some grace. Love your photos that you shared. Thanks for sharing some of your thoughts and feelings too. It is encouraging to the rest of us.
Thank you, too! I used to think it was just me, but age, this site, and lots of research have shown me so many correlations. I believe there are many more like us (to some degree) than we even dare to realize. The best medicine is sharing; that's what I try to bring to my blog. We have individual stories but in many ways, we have traveled similar paths. We are not alone.
@bmactavish I share your sentiment Sabrina. Thank you for opening up and sharing this with us. It is a tough road that most of us have endured. living with the humiliation, fear, shame and anger just to name a few as you mention. These are the things that have brought us so much stress and anxiety over the years. They have made our lives complicated and unbearable at times. Then for the things we cherished and so much enjoyed we purged are gone so to try and put it out of our lives. Only to still have that monkey on our back more intense than ever. Then here are those who could not endure sadly to say.
I couldn't agree more with everything you mentioned about this site. It opened my eyes to a world I never knew existed. The love and compassion I felt from so many over three years ago, I still feel today. This site and the many beautiful spirited ladies on it inspired me. At that time after joining this site I found myself at a crossroad knowing I was not alone. Not wanting complications by getting into another relationship I searched out my feelings and found my true self. I found a love for myself that I never knew was possible. The heavy burden of that monkey on my back is no longer. I am free, feeling like a child at times living and walking as my true self after 66 yrs. While doing so I hope that my journey inspires others who find themselves at that crossroad. Plus to set a good example to make this life better for myself along with others. By living life to my fullest in my expression of femininity. I attend worship, working full time and just trying to get through life like everyone else. I try to make those around me feel comfortable so to make a positive impact for our community. Sincerely and honesty I mean no ill intention with these words. Peace, Love & Happiness to all. Janice.
I think you should put all of that into an article of your own... 🙂 Thanks for the comments.
@bmactavish beautiful Brina. I wish I could take some of the steps you've described xx.
I think we have to find those little things to help us manage the stress levels. It can be as simple as using a face cream after shaving or switching up body wash (I hated the guy ones) to one that is a citrus blend. Just ridding myself of my goatee (which I kept in defiance) and managing my eyebrows to look better were all little things that helped. Thanks for the comments. 🙂
@bmactavish Brina, for me it's all or nothing. Those little things, like underdressing, would do nothing for me. Unfortunately I have no opportunities to dress at the moment. Life can be tough 😢 xx.
@bmactavish A beautifully written article Brina. I'm sorry for all the pain you've endured, and so glad you're in a better place now. Your story just reinforces why I don't dress. If I kept any women's clothes at home my wife would find them. Guaranteed. I've been thinking about getting some sort of external storage locker but in truth my wife is never out of the house long enough for me to get some femme time. And I'd just be stressed. What if she came home early?
Some beautiful ladies here recently invited me on the trip of a lifetime. But what would I tell my wife? I never go away, except with the band. But she knows them well. "How did the gig in Leeds go?".
I've never suffered the guilt and shame that you've been through Brina (although I would if I were to be found out). But I fear I am doomed to a lifetime not being able to dress pretty. It's incredibly frustrating. I'll do another makeover next year but that's about my lot. Sorry ladies to recount my story yet again but it's very cathartic to vent once in a while.
Thank you ladies for your support. My membership here has brought me comfort and a real sense of belonging. Being able to share with others of a similar mindset is life-affirming for me.
Hugs, Chrissie xx.
I think that many of us have been where you are. We have to do what we need to do. I hope to do a makeover one day. I'd love to be worked on so I could see what magic is possible on this old face. I do okay. It wasn't until recently that I accepted the what if I was found out and would it matter. Today is much different than 2 years ago, 10, 25. Surviving is tough enough without the extra stress. All my best to you!
@bmactavish A beautifully written article Brina. I'm sorry for all the pain you've endured, and so glad you're in a better place now. Your story just reinforces why I don't dress. If I kept any women's clothes at home my wife would find them. Guaranteed. I've been thinking about getting some sort of external storage locker but in truth my wife is never out of the house long enough for me to get some femme time. And I'd just be stressed. What if she came home early?
Some beautiful ladies here recently invited me on the trip of a lifetime. But what would I tell my wife? I never go away, except with the band. But she knows them well. "How did the gig in Leeds go?".
I've never suffered the guilt and shame that you've been through Brina (although I would if I were to be found out). But I fear I am doomed to a lifetime not being able to dress pretty. It's incredibly frustrating. I'll do another makeover next year but that's about my lot. Sorry ladies to recount my story yet again but it's very cathartic to vent once in a while.
Thank you ladies for your support. My membership here has brought me comfort and a real sense of belonging. Being able to share with others of a similar mindset is life-affirming for me. You wouldn't believe the size of my wishlists on Amazon, Roman, Next, Undercover.com and Rago 😂.
Hugs, Chrissie xx.
At the club I belong to some members go thru the same thing, trying to keep it hidden from the wife. Life became much, much easier for me when I told my wife that I loved to cross dress. Some members of our club just bring their femme clothes to our meeting place and dress there. Then change again before they leave.
Being able to share with others of a similar mindset is life-affirming for me.
I think that's true for all of us, Chrissie, whether we get the chance to dress or not. Not wanting to rub salt in, my wife is brilliant and it's my time here that's given me the confidence to talk openly with her about how I feel.
Don't give up hope, or thinking about "how"!
Allie x
@bmactavish Hi Sabrina.
Thank you so much for such a wonderfully considered, poignant and ultimately life affirming article. My wife knows about my desire to crossdress but does not approve. As much as I love her, my need to try to become more feminine means dressing at times when she is out somewhere.
I am in my mid 60s and have only recently found this site, but since joining I have been overwhelmed by the love and support offered by so many. Your final sentence is so true ❤️
@bmactavish Thanks Brina. Another great insight, connecting your journey with what so many of us go through. I Thank God that for the most part, I have gotten over the shame part. As I am writing this I am sitting with family at a restaurant dressed as Cassie.
Hoping you find your way out in the world. IF THAT IS WHAT YOU WANT OR NEED FOR YOU.
Cassie
Thanks,
I do go out, not for validation but because it feels right. I'm still careful. There will be some Brina trips in the near future.
Thanks for this resonant, well written article, Brina. Like so many others, I recognise a lot of what you say, especially, "If I’d been born 25 years later,". Well, ok, maybe nearer 35 years later, but, with the level of acceptance now, how might my own life have been different.
We can't change the past but we can change how it affects us and we can change what we do in the future. I'm just glad that I found CDH in time to enjoy what's left of my future. (Many many years, I hope 😊).
Allie x
One of the magic tricks of being a CD is how we can knock of years by our dressing. I know I can pass as a 40ish woman instead of the 60ish man. I just need to make sure I don't dress like I'm 80 or try to look like I'm 30. I think our legs and facial structure help us when we wear the right makeup and hair. Like you, where would I be today if I were in my twenties? Following a much different path; that's for sure... Thanks for the comments.
I have re-read your post, and the ending hit me. "I only enjoy looking in the mirror as Brina."
You're right. Same here. For me it is more than just an affirming experience. Additionally, understanding this, intellectually processing it, is bringing order to my world.
Dani
Oh Brina, what a lovely story, girl. I certainly agree with the ending. “Be kind to others.” We are as they perceive us. Let’s be graceful, peaceful and kind all the time.
I’m sorry for your marriage going south, as they say but out of come a beautiful flower. You have definitely blossomed into a wonderful picture of femininity. Im so glad we have you here.
Hugs sis🤗
Baily🎀💁♀️🎀
Thank you Brina for another well written, thought provoking article. I may be one of the first to respond to your article, but I am sure not the last.
It is said that a crossdresser didn’t choose this life, it chose us. I now understand as a ten year old, I found satisfaction donning my mother’s girdle and awkwardly fastening nylons to garter belts..how comforting was the nylon slip clinging to a youthful body. Fast forward 50 years, here I am celebrating, this month, nine years with CDH, whereby I have received acceptance, friendship, and support.
With 50 years of marriage, I haven’t faced the anxiety of boxes and suitcases as my wife continues to process her husband’s CD revelation.. and the compromise DADT
To paraphrase, as I am getting older, Leonara can look in the mirror and be content that she has always been a crossdresser, and maybe more.
i agree with Baily Marie, Brina we are so glad we have you here.. thank you again for all your informative and inspiring articles..
Hugs, Leonara 🌹
Such a thoughtful piece Brina. You articulate your personal story in such a way that it connects to what I suspect many of us feel and experience in our own unique journey (At least I do) Thank you for your honestly and insight. Hugs - Melody
Thank you for saying so. I do try to write to all; hopefully, giving some comfort and understanding in their journeys.
Love the Back Then article and the back then photos. Your first year typifies our angst. Wanting to dress and confronting your wife or partner. Always comforting to read your words. Thank you so much.
Kathy
Unfortunately for me, my dressed pictures only go back to 2014, the year after my second failed relationship. The ones I took from 2005-2006 were purged along with some items I wish I had today. The never-ending angst of wanting to tell and being afraid to tell. Oh, what it does to our insides... Thanks for the comments 🙂
Thank you for being so open and honest about your life Brina. Articles like this can help bring clarity to others who are feeling somewhat confused in their trans life.
I think that is one of the most confusing parts... accepting that we are most likely on the transgender scale and that is okay. We try to differentiate between being a CD and Trans, as if there is a definitive line and a stigma to being either one. A smaller percentage are pure CD. (Love their maleness but occasionally dip their toes into womanhood). Can go years in between and don't think about it, to the purely Trans who have issues with being male and need to find correction. The rest of us are in the middle to varying degrees. Thanks for the comments! 🙂
Brina,
You paint a moving story of not only your experiences, but countless others in our dressing world.
Sometimes the places and people who you think would be accepting aren't. The worst being those that accept you, only to talk behind your back.
Anyway it's funny that we love to take pictures of our girly selfs. But shun the camera in guy mode.
Our life's would be simpler if we could explain ourselves to ourselves! That's the one thing that the non dressers don't get and keep asking why are you that way?
The more I think about it. The more I just want to put on a dress!
XOXO Fran 🥰
I think for some, our need to wear feminine attire is similar to the guy who puts on his hunting clothes and finds his peace in the woods, or the woman who spends hours window shopping and visualizing new wardrobes and exotic locations to wear them. We find our peace, and that is the most important. Thanks for the comments!
Dear Sabrina, like you said- " The last thing I wanted was to be a woman, dress like a woman, or have anything to do with being part of the LGBTQ world."
Well I have Always felt the same exact same way and I Resisted , But now I'm part of the whole -T -community with No choice .
Thank you as always for your wise leadership that is born out of caring and love. I think it is awful anyone has to endure the abuse you did and am thrilled to hear your relationship with your kids is good. That is a testament to the kind heart you have - that they clearly see in contrast to their other experiences. Keep being you - you are lovely!💋💋💋
Hi there. Your name makes me harken back to Christine Jorgenson and her interview when she stepped off the plane a newly minted Lady. Very cool.
@fatima To think I was completely unaware of Christine Jorgensen until you said this. I read all about her and appreciate the reference!
Thank you for sharing your story’s everyone , I’m new to CD and this site , our stories are all connected, it’s wonderful to feel accepted and knowing my feeling on dressing and wanting to be feminine are in fact normal.
it is my hope/ wish that before my time ends on this earth that a man can display his true feelings publicly in whatever that look may be .
🙂
Thank you Sabrina for telling your story. I know that when we tell our stories we help others like ourselves. When I first met another person like myself it changed my life.
So well written and expressed! I could picture myself in many of your lines. OMG, what if she knows? What will society think of me? What's wrong with me? - Today, Rowena is ready to emerge and be a part of this special community. And like you Brina, my mirror only reflects joy when I'm fem. Thanks...good read and awakening!❤
A very moving story to be sure. I have trouble understanding the wife's bad reaction and her viciousness in banishing hubby from the matrimonial home. Not very nice in my books but then my wife has been pretty supportive of my cross dressing efforts and does offer pointers on my outfits which certainly helps me feel accepted. Maybe some women just don't want the competition these days? I do realize that a bad reaction in the wife is fairly common.
Feel blessed because you are. Negativity, resentment, and ended relationships are the norm. It also depends on when a spouse or SO finds out. In my particular case, we were doomed regardless. My CD was only the catalyst that ended a very toxic relationship. Thanks for the comments.
Brina, as always, you just put my thoughts into a narrative. I don't have answers. Especially those concerning the spiritual issues. But I know that I, and you I believe, have grace and for now that has to be enough.
There are many cliches that could be used and probably have been used by those who came before us. Balance and grace or kindness are two descriptors that I like to impart to our sisters. Very few of us have the ability, money, knowledge, opportunity, and a host of other reasons that stop us from being who we feel we should be. The only way to move forward is with balance and grace. Where we are today isn't where we may be tomorrow or next year. We have to survive, and more than anything, thrive. That seed of femininity needs to be watered. When healthy, it provides hope, when sick, anguish and anxiety. Thanks for the comments! 🙂
Thanks Brina. Loved the part you wrote about labels and categories. I've thought that myself many times. It seems like to put someone in a category is the only way people can deal with someone the least bit different from them. Take care.
@catharineec I agree. We do it unconsciously. We need to work hard at breaking the habit and maybe someday our little planet will be better for it.
