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My sisters,
I thought to write about my own particular journey. It is an individual odyssey in many ways but with very similar issues to look at.
Yesterday was another momentous step for me, which for a moment, left me breathless. I’d packed away what was left of my male clothes—now sealed in a box awaiting to be disposed. I have fully and irrevocably become Polly! Actually, I have been presenting as Polly for several weeks, despite a short four days of deep depression.
My wife was so surprised by her own reaction to this depression and so relieved to welcome Polly back to the land of the living, as she so succinctly put it! My thought was, “how odd,” and does my wife really understand her own position? Well, it turns out that she does... she welcomes Polly, uses her name without mistakes. She still has her own issues with my sexuality but has identified me as cross-gender. My sex is male, but I now fully identify as female.
In the beginning, I didn’t really know anything about being cross/transgender. I just knew I was losing something of myself. In 2009, I had a major accident, which left me with serious injuries that resulted in lifelong disabilities. As a result, I am no longer able to compete at an elite level in cycling due to my loss of lung volume; not enough oxygen at a high enough level to sustain the effort required.
I had to say goodbye to that part of my life, a passion that started at age fourteen when I started track cycling. This was a momentous part of my life. Cycling and competition had been a huge part of me being an Alpha male! When the time came to move on, I attempted to do so with what I thought was an easy decision. Wrong... but more of this a little later.
Sadly, there was another unwelcome corollary to these injuries... a distinct loss of libido and the means needed to enact in intimacy! I was absolutely flummoxed! Ohh, how the mighty are humbled... It has taken the best part of the last decade to even begin to get my head around this in any substantive way. Then, due to another head injury three years ago, I had both the time and the freedom to think it through.
With a psychologist’s help, I came to some understanding of what was required. My first, and most difficult decisions were to actually say goodbye to the things that didn’t work for me anymore. Sell excess bikes…check! Start cycling for fun and let others pass without having to hunt them down...check! Then the big one, relearning about connecting with intimacy when the forgone conclusion is no longer there... still checking; it is difficult!
And then something wonderful began to take form. I started thinking about my feminine anima. It’s a difficult task to pin down exactly when this anima began to take over the functioning of my life. It began with buying small things like wigs and clothes, more for fun than anything else. Slowly, this anima began to look at the world around me with different eyes. It was actually my female psychologist that dared me to wear female attire to our next meeting—so I did. She was so taken aback, as was I, that I could look so good and act so convincingly as a woman. What was going on? Had I unconsciously stepped away from my male self? It was more that quite possible as it turned out.
Every man that crossdresses is an individual first and foremost. Some do it for fun, some because they like the fashions, some do it for adventure, but there are a large number of likeminded Sisters who do it because they identify as women! There are some (like me) who may in time go fully down the transgender route. I think I’m too old, especially if it were to deny a younger person their chance at SRS.
With every turn in my life thus far I have become much more aware of feminine issues, doing my best to be the type of person who actually cared about such issues. Doing my best to treat every woman as an equal... no matter what it took. My life, aside from my male pursuits, has always been one of compassion and caring, equal rights, fairness in all things...
Now, with the stiletto being on the other foot so to speak, I have become so much more aware of the unfairness, inequality, lack of caring and compassion that is still endured by women. The fear to which women experience on a daily basis has forcibly struck me the most. Yes, I have felt that fear too!
This is my Everest to climb!
Well said Polly and ohhh so true. I totally get and resonate with what you are saying.
Great minds, eh? By the way, I took a wee peek at some of your photos... hope you don’t mind? You are a woman! Incontrovertible! And... you’re never too old. I’m a heartbeat away from 65 and I’m about to start on HRT... I want to end my life as a woman.
love Polly
Polly I am flattered by your comment and absolutely no problem viewing my private pics. I don’t like trolls viewing the public pics so I only post private one for members. I wish you all the happiness possible as you embark on your journey. Gianna
Thanks for your article. I at 49 thought maybe I waited to long to become Amanda, but after reading your article, I'm feeling more confident in my decisions. It has only been a few months since Amanda came out again. Now I'm feeling me comfortable and confident every day that allow myself to be Amanda. I too am planning on starting HRT sometime this month.
Hi Amanda... I very happy that you have gotten something from my article. I’ve always felt that confidence in one’s decisions are the key to any success. I have thought that coming out sooner would have given me more of an opportunity to live my fullest life but when the time is ‘right’ it’s right. It’s never too late especially for folk who have denied their true selves for a lifetime.as an aside... my wife says I didn’t choose transition... it chose me.
love Polly
I came out to my wife only a few days ago. Annie saw me in her leather skirt, stockings, boots, and makeup. She accepts me and will help me to become Jane Elizabeth. For me, this has been over 45 years coming. Love and best wishes from Hobart Tasmania.
Thanks for your kind thoughts Jane! Enjoy your newfound identity...
love to you, Polly
wow so sorry about the accident you have had that put you into medical retirement, and all the other things being a male person. but being female now is a relaxing feeling and makes you so much happier, GOD bless you and your wife for excepting you as Polly. I am medically retired also so i have the time to dress up and be free, wife knows but will not help with make up or let me sit in same room as her. she has seen me dressed up and even getting dressed up, putting on eye shadow, lip stick and she knows about the perfume i put on she smells it and tells me i put on too much. i under dress a lot during the winter. well thanks for your message and wwill pray for you Lucinda
Bless you Lucinda... the one thing I have and continue to learn is about the grief process. As I have recently learnt, my wife and her siblings were mistreated by what seems psychopathic parents and because of my transition a lot of suppressed memories are coming to the fore. Be gentle and patient with your wife...
love Polly
will do that for she is being kind to me when no other adult child is home she tells me i can dress up. but one step at a time
Very inspirational Polly!!
Why, thank you Jamie! Aha, I’ve got it! Peridot is a semi-precious stone is it not?
Oh Polly, what a journey! It is you last paragraph that really resonates with me. I have only recently moved into a position to dress/be/become HildaRuth and I have since then experienced to some extent the 'lifeworld' of women; particularly the ever-present fear of male power and looking at men in terms of their level of threat. It has been a real eye-opener if that is the right word. However I am blessed in that I have recently moved into a retirement community where everyone has, without exception, been welcoming and totally accepting of me as Hilda. It's a wonderful feeling when your neighbours greet you with "Morning Hilda; you do look lovely today." I wish you and your wife every happiness in your journey together.
Much love
HildaRuth
Hilda, darling girl! I’m so very pleased you have come to a safe, welcoming place! It is indeed a difficult life women, in general, have... never having been made easier by the male portion of humanity (and still not). All my life, as a male, I have tried my level best to be inclusive and practice equality. But I am done with continually apologising for my previous gender! Ohh, yes! Depending on the outcome of HRT I am reasonably confident I can uphold womanhood with my old verve!
Enjoy your well earned retirement in the love an admiration you seem to be experiencing.
Love Polly
I think we all have our own polly inside us (well pretty sure I do) I'm just happy to read that you've made the jump that we all will have to take one day. Myself my wardrobe is 65% female 35% male so getting there and looking forward to the day I do xx
great article, I have hidden this away since my teens as I had no outlet for it and was scared to even talk about it, it came out briefly in my 20's with my GF who became my wife to two kids, but it got left very early on again as I am very good at ignoring stuff and carrying on with "life", me and my wife split in 2018 and this came back into my life again out of nowhere, sine then I have a new GF and I have been honest about dressing since the beginning, and even though I had no clothes I knew how I felt inside, couple of years on and I dress more and less in spouts, I have got to a stage at the moment where I am down with it all, I don't look how I want to look, I am a bald 43yr old male, and though I always get good positive comments about how handsome I look, this doesn't help as its not the way I want to look, and I am now reading more and more and speaking to transitioned girls on Instagram and seeing how they coped etc, some have said HRT can help with depression etc because of the hormones changing you anyway? I feel I have left it far to late and kids now 14/12 I am unsure what to do, 70/80% of my thoughts are around being female, I feel like I have wasted most of my life not living, and more and more now I realise its because I am not living the life I want to be doing. Whilst my GF supports the most of it, I doubt there Is anyway she would hang around if I dressed in public or went the extra step and started HRT, and then I can't help but think how would this effect the kids, friends, family etc? I think maybe I need to grow some balls (or lose some) in order to actually do what I think is right for me, but the more I think about it I can't help but pull back from the idea as its not something to be played with, yet I have never liked my body, no matter how fit I get etc, and now I am starting to hate the look of feminine clothes on me too, I have never tried makeup, and being bald doesn't help, I am booked in for my first session of a hair transplant in June, but I won't see the fruits of that till next year. Thanks again for a great article, I really enjoy reading these x
Stewie, Sweety... it is never too late! Even if you get to enjoy just a few years as a woman... it will be worth it! It’s funny though... one can get a boob job and SRS but never be able to grow a head of hair! I read on one who shaves her head and just won’t own a wig! Well there is a precedent for this style though I think it would really depend on where one lives.
Look here... there are women of all shapes and sizes and all with different interpretations of how they look. The fashion industry certainly doesn’t help and the designers of clothes seem to stop caring at size 8!
Just find a style that you feel good in and develop that!
Love Polly
Just lovely, Polly, wonderfully expressed. .
Hi Polly
Thank you for sharing your story,
And I am really pleased that you have reached the decisions you have had to make with the full support of your wife I know that this must of been a big help to you.
Samantha x
Thanks for reading and understanding. It’s been a huge help and without her this would never been possible. But, it’s not been without issues that one doesn’t consider like grief from both sides and above all the time and patience involved.
Love Polly
Polly,
Thanks so much for sharing all this about you! You have a good head on those shoulders girlfriend (notwithstanding the injuries). I just love your compassion and tolerant comprehension of everyone wrapped up in all this in one way or another!
You said it all with “Every man that crossdresses is an individual first and foremost.”
Thanks Polly - you’re awesome!
Marcellette
I love you Marcellette! Thanks so much for your affirmation... however flawed I am, I try to be a good person no matter what. Yes, we are all different, different mores and customs, different languages, different ages, different walks of life, different builds... different everything EXCEPT for a desire to be a woman! That is what unites us!
by the way... I just love your hat! You sexy thing, you ❤️❤️❤️
Thank you
