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As time continues on we do, we learn, we teach, and for many we accept the facts that really can't be changed even if we really want(ed) them to. I have so many memories of who I started out being and remain to be this very day. Many people come to me in confidence about becoming the girl they desire to be and ask if I have any advice or strong suggestions of how to get there. I share my own experience with them (part of it anyway) and some can relate and some can't. I tell those who can't right now to give it time and eventually they might. They will eventually act upon their desires, or those desires will ultimately crumble into pieces of a dream that once was.
See I truly believe we don't wake up one morning and tell ourselves "gee, today I think I'll steal some of my mother's, sister's, aunt's or whoever's makeup, jump into one of their skirts or dresses, a pair of heels and a purse, gallop all throughout the house and pretend I am a girl." No, but what I do believe and share with others is a few little things called "the facts, reality and the truth." Crossdressers, transgender people, drag queens, and those that just fantasize are special and unique in their own ways. However, I believe we all share similarities, and in fact I believe we are all "as one" when it comes to this area of our lives. I share how it has been for me when asked and tell them to reach out to others who have the same dreams, aspirations, and love for doing what they do. It always amazes me when someone tells me they are married and in a heterosexual relationship with wives or girlfriends who either accept or deal with them being CD. Or don't. Personally I have the utmost respect for those that are married and have compromised as well as risked it all to be who they are. No one person, as far as I'm concerned, has a right to tell anyone else how to live their life. Perhaps some listen, yet others still go about trying to be the person they aren't.
I too tried to be the son my mother wanted at first for me to be. However it was impossible for me, because I was who I was put here to be. This is what was explained to me by a best friend, a few therapists, and of all people, my mother. My mother and I were very close and I always subliminally felt she somehow knew of my activities. Guilt caught up to me one day when I walked in after being on a date and found her in tears crying like I had never seen my mother cry ever before. Point blank she told me she knew everything I had always tried to keep a secret, and had actually believed it was all a secret and nobody else knew or suspected. How very wrong and naïve I had been. In fact I don't think I have ever been as wrong in my thinking as I had been before that moment. She knew everything and so did my sisters. Even the kids at school who called me derogatory names and labeled me actually knew before I ever admitted anything.
Getting back to explaining the reasons I decided to write this article it is with true heartfelt beliefs and feelings that I truly believe we are one (just as Buddhists and many others believe). Obviously not every male chooses to wear a dress instead of pants. But then did we actually choose this lifestyle? I don't agree with some who believe we did. What I will agree with is what I and thousands of others believe, "that the lifestyle chose us." Who on earth would deliberately put themselves in harms way, be humiliated if anyone finds out or suspects that they cross dress and for some prefer to be with the same sex; who would be that crazy if it were a choice? Is it any wonder why so many try and keep it a secret? This life really doesn't promise us that each day will be good or perfect. It does allow us to follow what we believe in. My mother always told my sisters and myself to follow our hearts; she said all that's in our hearts are hopes, dreams and wants, and they will surface when we allow or want them too. All my dreams and hopes have not always surfaced or revealed themselves but one thing I know for sure is that I have tried to do the right thing by following the path that was chosen for me to follow. I have drifted on occasions and even tried to be someone I wasn't and could never be. So as I tell others, I don't give advice, but what I will offer is experience, hope, and to share things that I live by and believe in and offer suggestions. That's all I can really do!
What a wonderful post! It rings so true with me, but for the part that everyone knew before I admitted the truth to myself. I so wanted to be the person I am now meant to become, but played the boy-role b/c it was the dutiful thing to do. I only made myself miserable and most of the people around me miserable, too.
Thank you for sharing with us, GF!!
Thank you for reading my article Brielle, your an amazing person. I just can't imagine seeing you or knowing you in the mode you left behind to become Brielle. That would be weird to say the least. Your a very beautiful girl and an awesome person to get to know and I have adored every minute of knowing you. I hope to stay friends till the end with you. If by some chance we ever meet in person we'll first go tear up the town then stay friends forever. Sound good? Stay real girlfriend, your amazing.
That sounds like so much fun! I can picture sashaying down the street, arm-in-arm smiling at everyone we meet as our stilettos click in response.
Yes, let's stay in touch and maybe we will be able to see one another before we are both using walkers! Ha!
I wish you could come to the Keystone. I'll make sure to poast a LOT of pics!
Lovely thoughtful, honest piece.... thanks!
I'm so glad you liked it Michelle, means allot to me when someone takes the time to read my article then leaves the positive comments as you did here. Be good to yourself. Best, Jackie.
Wonderful story! The fact that your mother, sisters and school mates all knew what you had been trying to hide kind of reflects what I grew up with as well. For me, it wasn't so much how I dressed but I guess I was just sort of feminine-looking growing up. Even now, I often get "ma'am-ed" no matter what I'm wearing. If I'm shopping with my wife we will get, "Can I help you ladies?" I just smile and my wife just rolls her eyes, she's used to it now.
Mary Contrary, that's a name one doesn't hear everyday, I love it. Yes it was a true blessing to find out just how many were behind me and backed my play and still do. Yes there are still times that I could consider my worst days but nothing compared to having that "alone feeling." I don't care if anyone agrees or disagrees when I say we are unique and we are strength to one another. A world without our kind would be boring I believe. Kudos for the compliments you get while shopping. If you ever get a negative compliment you can blow it off because chances are strong that they're just jealous!
What a meaningful article. You continue to amaze me! The truths you outline are so very real and profound! I just wish I would have come to terms with my feminine side many years sooner. But then, I guess we all progress in our journey at different speeds. I sincerely believe we ALL have a feminine nature. In fact, in the annals of psychology, that is pretty much a given. However, and for whatever reason, most choose to suppress it and bury it deep in their psyche, much to the detriment of their well-being. And that is a shame! Paulette is the best thing that has happened to me in a long time!
You're a one-of-a-kind, girl! Thank you for sharing!
What amazing comments and compliments you give me. You and talk all the time and I love our discussions and hope they will last a lifetime. Your story is very similar to my own Paulette and I'm grateful for the friendship we have developed. In just a short time you have flourished into the girl you want to be and I give you many kudos for that. It's not everyday I meet someone from my home state and make friends. Looking forward to the day of your return to here so we can go tear this city up together. Thank you for reading. Respect, Jackie.
What an amazing text, Jackie! I'm still living more or less the same issues with my mother. She refuses to accept me as a girl and did a lot of things to force me into boy mode. Nevertheless, I keep working behind the scenes, building up my cute female attire and not losing the hopes of a full time life in girl mode, far from my family.
xoxo
Daisy
Hi Daisy; my heart and respect goes out to you for trying to be honest. I think your off to a good start just by the fact that you are at the least half way out of the closet. The closet is a dark lonely place to be in whereas when the opposite occurs and one steps out into the sunlight. I can't nor will I give you advice as to what your heart is telling you to do. However I will give you my respect and best wishes. You look amazing and a girl with your beauty shouldn't stay in hiding. Best wishes, Jackie.
Great article Jackie. I know for me it will come up on 3 years in March, I had such an overwelming desire to dress. For months I underdressed every night and then fully during the day when I could.
By Sept that year I got caught by the X underdressing, and admitted everything. The first thing she did was to tell our 3 grown kids then threatened to tell my brothers bout this same time I joined CDH and only looked back with a smile and a wish thatI had done some of this earlier.
For me I could go back more into the closet,but only for my kids and grand kids. Even they have gotten used to old dad with long hair (always tied back when in drab), pierced ears (sometimes with larger earrings), and for the last 4 months with long colored nails
I have gotten to love my painted nails that I don't want to give them up. Have not gotten much in the way of negative comments, even at work ( one boss kind of rolls her eyes). I do like being called ma'am often -some people are just looking at my nails..
The next big step for me is the idea I just can't get out of my head. I have a HS class reunion coming up this summer, I want to go completely in fem. A nice sundress, 2" wedges, and longer finger nails maybe with swirls painted on them? I have mentioned this idea on a couple of posts here at CDH already. In my head this commits me to doing this, so now I am getting excited just thinking about it.
. . Cassie
I think you'll be a hit at your reunion. Keep in mind that there will probably be some that disagree with how your dressed and look but if your heart is set on going follow your heart, you can't go wrong when you do. I think it is special that you have the support you do. Don't let them down now, be everything Cassie is suppose to be. Have fun and thank you for reading my article.
Thanks Jackie for sharing so much.
Your welcome Roberta. By looking at your profile pic you are sharing allot as well. You look happy and content with who you are. Whether I'm right or wrong about that impressions can go the distance and be completely influencing. I'm glad you read and liked my article. I hope it is beneficiary to everyone. Stay beautiful.
Your profile was one of the first that i read here after at CDH, after becoming a member. I was so impressed with your courage and confidence. You showed me what i needed to see to get out of the closet.
I was glad to see your writing, you have such a kind and warm heart. Thank you for sharing.
Kind of late but it's probably never to late to say thank you Roberta. It makes me smile to know I said something to inspire you when you came to CDH. I don't know that I can take all that credit but thank you for being here for me and so many other's. You rock girlfriend.
Which will be soon Roberta. I love to write, love to talk and share my story, how I got here and help other's when and if I can. Look forward to talking with you soon.
yes and hello what wonderful post. its too bad that society is like there are, they see a cross dresser and they call us names, i hate that. they need to wake up, woman marry woman, men marry men, woman wear manly cloths and they don't get called names. so whats the big deal us men like to wear female cloths, woman wear men cloths so we can wear female cloths. for hiding it, sooner or later someone will find out and your secret is out. my wife found out with a pic of me dressed up by my daughter. not much was said except its his body not hers. my wife on the other hand lets me dress up when no one is home for we have a 23-year-old still at home. i was dressed up all day for i had the house to myself, then i had to pick up my wife, i had on eye make up on. iasked wife on phone if i need to take it off before i pick her up, she said no. so, when we got home i took off my male cloths and i was putting on my wig and started to do my makeup, wife walks in and sees me getting my wig on and make up ready, she replied going to dress up, i said yes and she just said ok. i had a great time being a female and being free and being free and relaxed and panic attack free and less stress. thanks for you post people need to be more polite and just walk away if they see a cross dresser or may say you look pretty what is that perfume you are wearing or nice dress.
It is a good feeling when a woman shares her compliments about what your wearing or likes your makeup, your shoes/heels and over all appearance. I have women who asks me where I bought certain clothes or heels and are curious of how long have I worn my makeup as I do. I've even developed friendships with women that have asked me these questions. In fact a very dear friend of mine first approached in a convenient store and shared her opinions and questions with me only to find out not much later that all of the questions were for her cross dressing son who I am also good friends with today. Stay free Lucinda.
Lovely post Jackie. Sharing your story puts many. of us like you to rest knowing we are not alone.
Thank you Deborah. You and I have shared our lives and similarities with one another on several occasions and I always enjoy talking with you. Keep on being you, being real and stay strong.
we are not alone that is right. and that is nice of you to be friends with a friend's son that wants to dress up. wish i had a friend like you to share my cross dressing with this goes to jackie and all that read this. thank you
I so relate to what you are saying! I love dressing as a women, and I hope that I never have to give it up. There are pressures and concerns within myself about that, mainly I'm so aware that my CD habit bothers some close friends and it bothers me that it does.
I care about what they feel and think too, not just about my self a centered happiness, because they're important to me. My hope and prayer is that our relationship ensures this test. Aurora B
Only you Aurora can decide. I respect the fact that you care about your friends and family as you state in your comment. The fact that you are other centered is a good trait to have. I suppose I may have been a little self centered or selfish if you will when I made the conscious decision to come out and wash the lies, deceit, fears, my secrets (as I said in my article I only thought my secrets were secrets) but they weren't, and my anger. For the longest time I blamed everyone for my anger I had developed. It afterwards that I realized that the only one I was truly mad at was myself not my mother, not my sister's and other family, not the kids at school or anyone else for that matter. There are no other ways I can describe the feelings of freedom, you are the sole person that can decide and choose. btw, I have always admired the name Aurora, to me it shouts that she is in control and no one else can push her around. Good luck.
Thank you for sharing Jackie. I appreciate your comments. You are dead right, only I can make the decision I can't really control, directly, how others feel or think.
When I began cross a dressing and assumed a female alter ego I thought of numerous female names but wanted something uncommon but memorable. So at last I came up with Aurora.
Thanks again, hugs,A.B.
Wow Jackie, you nailed it! Thank you for this amazingly true post, very heartfelt.
I'm glad you enjoyed reading my article and thank you for your comment. It's my true hope that it may or could help someone who may be struggling with the truth, confusion or getting honest with themselves and other's. It brought back allot of memories both good and bad but at the same time it reminded me how grateful I really am for the people in my life that may not have agreed nor still agree with my lifestyle yet they supported me then as with now. May your own journey be blessed.
A beautiful article Jackie, I feel exactly the same way. Thank you.
Thank you Sabine I'm glad you enjoyed reading it and thank you for the comment. I think so many do feel this way. It's a very rude society we live in. We are judged everywhere we go out there with the exception of like minded people, events and places. I'm super grateful for the people then and now in my life and for the strength I was given to come out at such a young age. Blessed Be, Jackie.
That was good inSITE full and very sincere..I am about the same age
but have as you say living the person I am not alway a struggle to live a lie to the point that I am not sure .anymore as I have wasted all my young and exiting years. Well I am going to find out what I should have 30 years ago.
great work thanks look foward to talking with you many topics.thanks
Thank you Cindy I hope you can find your way to be her 100% soon. If you ever want to talk just hit me up. I don't have all the answers but I do have a listening ear and heart. May your path become stronger, only you can decide,,,, just you.
Thank you for the ear that helps a lot .sometimes that gets a lot done just having an ear from someone with your experience.
Ty you Jackie for putting it into words what I too have always felt
