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In my two previous articles I wrote about my earliest recollections of my own feminine self-awareness. As is the vast majority of our collective experience, our feminine self-awareness is denied, suppressed, experimented with, etc. Some embrace their femme self early in life, others struggle for years fighting hard to rid their lives of it. Yet ultimately though we may have heard it many times, most likely we discover for ourselves that our feminine self-awareness stubbornly refuses to go away.
How we deal with that truth of self will become the ebb and flow of our happiness and inner contentment.
As described in my previous articles my own female self-awareness came to me 60 years ago. During those long years I chose to suppress and closet my female self. No doubt many understand the emotional pain of that choice. Only very recently have I raised the white flag of surrender. In surrender I am discovering contentment.
Very recently the opportunity to dress freely was given to me. Excitedly I took it, but not for the sake of just simply dressing. I was determined to use this opportunity to go beyond the clothes and truly meet me, this woman who has played a part of every life experience I have had.
The male me was not the one dressing himself to fulfill some fetish desire. I cannot explain the how or why, but a change took place within my inner person. In a way which I yet do not understood my male resistance and pride was dismissed. I, Charlene Victoria, took the reins. I had freedom as never before to experience life, to develop my own sense of style, to not just embrace but to own my womanhood as a positive aspect of my personhood.
Sixty years is a long time to wait for such freedom. During those sixty years I have so attempted to rid my male self of my femme self-awareness all to no avail. Years of inner pain, thoughts of suicide, many years, volumes of prayer were was the fruit of such choice.
However, all that is good in this way; those failures are my personal proof, the foundation if you will upon which I can confidently come out of the closet and grow as the woman I really am. My recent opportunity to be me has assured me like nothing before that owning my own womanhood is the only positive way to live the rest of my life.
If you are here at CDH, it is no doubt because you have a sense of non-binary gender identification in your own heart. Like many of us here, you may be struggling with knowing in your heart who you truly are. May I encourage you, dear sister, struggle on. The day will come when your femme heart will finally prevail. You may not have to wait sixty years for that victory but when it is yours you will find the contentment, peace, and confidence a precious reward for your struggle.
At whatever place you are on the gender spectrum be aware, embrace, own and become the woman you are.
- How have you surrendered to your feminine self-awareness?
- In your surrender to your inner woman, what has been your greatest self-discovery?
- What does it mean to you personally to own your own womanhood?
Please feel free to answer any one or more questions I’ve posed to you above.
Thanks for taking the time to read my article and my questions as well.
Sincerely, Charlene
Charlene,
Thank you for your story, which hit me close to my heart. Much like you, as a teen, I wondered whether I was supposed to have been a girl, but "something went wrong". Decided that wasn't the case, and suppressed all femininity for the next 60 years. Then, I discovered that I was growing breasts, which fascinated me so much that I began wearing ladies' tees, then slowly added other clothing until I had a modest wardrobe for "private" wear. The revelation (and surrender) came when a bra fitting forced me to admit that I was a crossdresser; followed by makeovers, wigs, ear piercings and total acceptance of the feminine me. No more inner conflicts, and I can truthfully say that I enjoy being a girl---just wish I had done this when I was young enough to wear the more revealing fashions.
YES! if there's one piece of advice I could share it's "don't wait to long"
approaching 60 the fashions I want to wear are really better suited for a younger looking body, but, meh, I wear them anyways hahaha
Namaste'
dear n huggles
Char
Your article hits home for me because I too recently have come to terms with my feminine self. Recognizing that I have the power to experiance all that Jill has to offer has changed me for the better. It has made me a more caring and nurturing person and that's never a bad thing.
You spoke directly to me . Thank you so much for this well written article. I am trying to find my inner woman and struggle every day trying to understand how I can live these two lives. I am so happy for you; coming out, which I think, is the final solution. But it is a fearful proposition.
The "battle" to accept oneself as you are inside is a very difficult journey! Each and every step forward and backwards, is a growing curve of discovery. It is an almost insurmountable trip into the unknown! Only the most courageous of us, and the bravest souls can make it and live in this world. And what a happy world it is!
Went out to eat with a lady that I have talked to on Facebook she always thought I was lady didn’t know I was a CD. So I had to meet here for first time in person I was so nervous hoping I would be passable with look and voice. She said oh my honey ur a beautiful lady as I got in car 40 min ride. She was asking questions about my kids life etc. we got to chili’s for dinner we walked in the lady up front said ladies hello then our waitress walked up she said hey ladies what can I start u off with, it was totally amazing to be out in public and meet a lady friend who thought I was a lady anyway and be passable and getting to use the ladies restroom as a lady was. In there and say hey ma’am I love your sweater it was great
When I read this I couldn't believe how close this is to my own journey. I have struggled with this since I was 5 years old. I knew even at that age I was not suppose to live my life out as a male. I would start with dressing with my sisters clothes and getting more female clothes where I could and run out to the safety of the near by woods to dress and run around as the girl I was. But as life went by I had to crawl back into my male mode and I pushed my female self into the background for many years until I reached my 50's. It was then that my female feelings were kicking in again and the more I tried to resist the stronger they pushed back. I could not hold back any longer and started to become Kate again whenever I could but always in private at first. I now have such strong feelings that I try to dress every day as Kate. I even am going out into the public as Kate and so far have not been clocked as a male and that just boosts my confidence even more. I still have not come out to anyone and I am not getting any younger and I know in my heart that if I want to complete the journey to full and complete womanhood body ,mind, and soul I will have to come out soon. I am just so afraid of losing family and friends when I do come out and I guess that is what is keeping me from fulfilling my journey to become the true female I know I am and have always been. What I really need is someone who has taken the journey to her full womanhood and would be willing to help someone else to complete their journey like they completed theirs. If there anyone who could accept that and help me overcome my fear and guide me to become the woman I know I have always been please contact me. Thank You Kate
Dang girl friend, you have 19 Likes and 6 long replies! I just knew they would like this one! XOXOXO Scarlett
Well written and thought provoking Charlene. I can identify with the life long struggle between rejecting and accepting who I am. It wasn't until the last ten years that I came to accept that Cyn is here to stay- At this point it is a matter of figuring out where "here" is...how far along the spectrum is right for me. I hope to eventually find the answer but am still on that journey of exploration. And hoping that one day I'll find the person to accompany me on the remainder of the journey.
Cyn
Thanks so much for sharing your story. I have recently embraced my inner woman and am bringing her into the light. I know the road won’t always be easy, but seeing others stories are encouraging. I can’t wait to become the woman I am.
Thanks
Shyanne
Thaaankyou for your writing Charlene; Yep, stopping the resisting was/is, the best gift I have ever given to me. There are still so many avenues of discovery for me as I unwrap this gift.
Charlene was to be my birth name until my folks spotted the tictac, then it became Charley, which has found its way to Charee' or now, Char. All part of the evolution and expansion of meeeee haha
- How have you surrendered to your feminine self-awareness? I have stopped resisting and started allowing freedom of expression, no excuses.
- In your surrender to your inner woman, what has been your greatest self-discovery? I Am Lovable and loved by so many more people than I imagined! I was eve asked to Mayor our little redneck prairie farm town 🙂 how cool is that!!
- What does it mean to you personally to own your own womanhood? I get to "live"...at close to 60 yrs, suppression is simply not an option any longer, there was no valve on this pressure cooker, I had to open it before it blew; I am so grateful I did...and I am grateful you did too Charlene 🙂
Namaste'
n huggles dear
Char
