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Hi everyone!! My name is Bren. I want to introduce myself and share my crossdressing story.
My journey began at age five, 53 years ago. My best friend was the girl who lived next door. We played together all the time and I would wear her ruffled black dress in our backyards. We planned to get married when we grew up; she wanted to be the groom and I would be the bride. (How I wish she was in my life now!).
As I entered into puberty, I did a lot of experimenting with my mom's clothes and makeup. I loved the way silky lingerie felt against my skin. Around 13 or 14, I'd already acquired my own pantyhose, high heels, bra, and a 2 piece outfit—skirt and halter top. I began practicing with makeup, but never mastered it to look good. I would go to the local park and dress up in the woods where I would walk around outdoors, and it felt great! It was so exciting and free.
Slowly, I gathered my courage and began walking closer to the road where I could be seen. I was very skinny, about 130 pounds and had very long blond, thick curly hair. I'm sure I didn't look like a girl up close, but I loved doing it. Once, an older man approached me and propositioned me. I admit, I considered it, but declined.
One night, while my parents went to dinner, I went all out and got dolled up and sat watching TV in the living room, where I ended up falling asleep. The next thing I knew, my folks came walking through the door and freaked out. They made me sit at the kitchen table in my dress, heels and make up while they screamed at me. My older brother and sister listened. My Dad, he was a he man, beer drinking, bar fighting Construction worker. He called me a fag, and that he wasn't raising me as his daughter. The banter went on for what seemed like hours.
I was so humiliated; I began thinking something was wrong with me. I cried for hours. They made me go see a shrink, who also said that something must be wrong with my chemistry. I hated him and finally refused to go anymore, telling my parents I was cured. But I wasn't. I learned to hide my secret better.
When I was 23, I told my live-in girlfriend my secret. I wanted so badly to let my inner female out and share it with someone. At first she objected, but I used my dressing up as a way to spice up our sex life. Soon we were dress shopping together, and she planned her weekend dates with Brenda. We loved garter belts, stockings, and lacy bras. We'd wear matching Victoria Secret lingerie to work. It was a great time in my life, but eventually we broke up.
I went through a short period of time were I began to think I might be gay. Brenda "dated" a couple guys. It was fun, but I found out that I am truly attracted to woman. My next live-in girlfriend found out my secret right away. I took the same approach with her, explaining that it would spice up our sex life. My biggest mistake was in allowing her to film me dressed with no makeup or wig. A couple years later, after we split, she showed the film to everyone we knew out of spite.
Once again, I was humiliated, feeling as low as low as one could go. You must understand, I lived at a time when crossdressers were considered to be sexual perverts, something weird that was not acceptable. This is what I'd been told that by my parents and the shrink. We had no internet, no Jenner, no outlet to express who we really were. Although there's still a lot of stigma attached in being a crossdresser, things are so much better now. Thank God for this website!!
I stuck Brenda in a closet for the past 23 years, but she's knocking loudly on the door, wanting to get out and express herself. I'll be back to share more of more story; thanks for reading!
Oh Bren, nice story. You sure have had your ups and downs, but you have fought through it all. Dressing femme is a thing which never goes away, sure, some people can supress it for a while, but the desires keep coming back and why shouldn't they? they are part of you, after all. It was rather unfortunate falling asleep and your mum and dad finding out the way they did but maybe these thing happen for a reason, to make us stronger and more determined perhaps. Your girlfriend showing the film to everyone was a cruel thing to do, but I suppose my plight was similar, in that my wife telling my sons about me after an argument!
The main thing is Bren, you are happy now 🙂 . All that pain and anguish in the past has finally turned into a positive and happy experience, and for you, its not before time. Looking forward to your next part of your story! take care Bren and thanks for sharing your story with us 🙂 .
Your Friend Fiona xxx
Fiona,
As always you touch my heart and soul with your kind words. I feel like my Fiona is a safe place in a big storm. You always seem to know what to say and I love you as a sister. The unfortunate side of that story is, there was a second part I wrote that completed the it.I wrote that story the first day I joined CDH, and my SO walked in on me looking at the computer screen, so I clicked it off before she could read it. That was before I came out to her and she knew I was up to something, but thinking it was another woman. I'm not sure why it took so long to be published, I kinda forgot I wrote it. Anyways, Thank you Sweetie, Always your friend, Big Hugs Brenda
hello Bren, thanks for sharing your journey. sorry to hear all the dis appointments in this journey. yes back then x dressing was not allowed, or never heard of. but know we see it on T.V. the internet{ thank God got the internet } society is not willing to accept the x dressing for some reason. but we hear about woman getting married to woman and men marring men, we see it on T.V men wearing female cloths, men are gay, { i hate that word } but we see it on a daily basis. woman wearing men clothing and nothing is said about that but when men wear female cloths we get called names. we are not wired wrong to my mind, we just love the look and feel of the clothing on us, nylons wind blowing against our legs the message feeling of them, dresses the feel of them as we walk, wearing a bra feeling the strap around our back and over the shoulder, panties feel so much better and feel good. great fit,feels comfortable to wear. walking in heels the sound of them is a real treat to us, but when we dress up we need to but on make up to top it off to look and pass as much as we can and be free. this could be a long one but i will make it short. i started at a young age myself, x dressing went away for years, then came back in my late 20s. now in my late 50s i have my own female attire and more then wife does. i dress up when 1 last child is at work, wife tells me i can do what i like to do. when all done i feel relaxed, depressed free. yes wife knows of course but will not let me sit with her and talk like 2 woman, but she can watch me get dressed up. hope to find you on site and have you on my friends list. take care and have a safe new year. talk again soon. i can tell you more about my journey
Hi Lucinda - apologies for busting in an your chat but my situation has a little resonance with you and Polly, I am of similar age and love everything you said about the feel of our clothes - nylons in the wind, what a treat it is to be able walk freely outside, even if it'sin the dark on a very quiet lane where I live 🙂
My wife, who was the first person I came out o a couple of years ago can't handle it at all - funnily enough though it's taken her two years to process it and decide we should split up...
Having told her first I then had 'nothing left to lose' and told family, kids and friends - I feel so much better and relaxed as a person but am gutted to have lost a wife --- please please do everything you can to help your wife stay in touch with Lucinda, somehow I offended my soul mate and almost wish I was still stuck in the closet
.
Hmm - I really didn't want to offload on you my lovely, just wanted to note that I was a bit over-optimistic and almost expected my wife to be totally fine with it, just because I'd seen so many positive stories in here, but, of course, look a bit more closely and there are plenty of negative stories 🙁
Jeez - sorry gurl for laying this on ya! Love from the best part of the Uk - Wales 🙂
(and the best part of Wales - West Wales 🙂
I Love your story, it is all so familiar. Hugs Rochelle.
Hi Pretty Rochelle,
Thank you so much for reading and responding. Hugs Brenda
Yes, many elements of your story resonate with my own memories. I hope you'll soon be able to get dolled up and proudly join other CD's and Trans women for an event, even if it's just an informal Girls Night Out. It's so important to have the support of other gurls. God luck sweet Bren!
Hi Melissa,
I would Love to attend a CD/T G meeting dolled up, great idea, Thanks, Hugs Brenda
Touching story Bren. I am of your era and have found myself dressing more and and more of late. Agreed, it is an inner struggle to understand your own sexuality. I ask myself as you do l, am I gay or straight, but I see my wife and how beautiful women are and know I am heterosexual. I helped my wife a lot today pick out some new make up today. Little does she know I work on my own technique through her trials and tribulations.
In any event the world has changed since we we were young. You were lucky, you had support in the early years, but has it come with reservations of things that might of been? I have found my inner femme later in life and it appears you have too after a couple of decades. Enjoy and hold your head high and embrace who you are and what fulfills your heart.
Micah
Micah,
Thank you so much for your response to my post. You are absolutely right, I made a choice a long time ago to not accept my feminine side or just the feminine me. In doing that I began living my life as a man's man, harleys, bike clubs, football, boxing, all things considered male eventually becoming very unhappy in my life. I think Brenda awoke because I was so discontented, I had not openly experienced her for a very long time but she was always there watching over me. Brenda represents everything "good" within me and I would Love to be able to live as Brenda full time, but it simply isn't possible right now. I believe I have struggled with my sexual identity all my life but I know that I too, feel a very strong attraction to woman. I have come to understand that a person is not defined by only their physical characteristics, but more importantly, who they are as a soul. If I met a man who's soul I felt an attraction to, I could not rule him out as a potential lover. I do however enjoy the feminine over the masculine and envy beautiful woman. Which takes me to you and your pictures. I just say, and hope you don't mind, but you are a gorgeous lady and I'm so envious of all that pretty leg. I wish I could wear short skirts and dresses and look half as good as you! And you said that something in your profile about maybe passing as a woman Hon, if I had your beautiful looks I would be out an femme as much as possible. You are a gorgeous girl. Thanks again, You sister and Big Hugs, Brenda
Thank you so much. I have never been out in female mode. Just not sure where I stand and what awaits me out there. . If I did go out for the first time it would not be in a short skirt. Maybe some plus fours and a fun top. I’ve worked hard on my look and your support is gratifying. Anyway, stay in touch. Micah
Bren - I can so relate. I suppressed my crossdressing for over 30 years, from my mid 20s until my late 50s. I'm 61 now and have been dressing again for the past 2-1/2 years. It has been a blessing to finally be able to be myself. I don't dress all the time, but it is nice to be able to dress when the urge is there. My wife is understanding to a point, and for that I am grateful, but it would be nice to have a partner that wants to be a part of April's life.
I hope you are able to find the balance in your life.
Hugs,
April
Bren-thanks for sharing your story. I'm a few years behind you (I'll b 54 soon) but still remember those pre-internet days well to. My parents weren't abusive when they discoverd me but could tell it wasn't something they were happy about. Cyn went underground and (I thought/hoped) disappeared when I got married but it was less than a year before my wife caught me dressed. She almost left but stayed after I begged and promised to stop. Didn't happen of course so after holding the marriage together for another 12 years we split. Cyn took a bit to come out of her shell but did so with a vengeance especially after finding support here at Crossdresser Heaven. Now I hope to encourage others to be true to themselves and allow themselves to express the long hidden inner girl.
Cyn
Thank you Bren, I am so sorry about your pain. I cant imagine a video outing at the hands of a vindictive soul. I am almost 50. Been dressing since I was 9. Started on a dare from an older sister. Little boys dont turn down dares.
I too have had periods of neglecting my sexy side. About 5 yrs ago I went thru some personal trials (divorce). Found myself wearing my girlfriends things when she was working. Then I discovered internet shopping! Oh boy! Or girl. I have a huge wardrobe now. Way more female clothes than male.
My girlfriend? Still here. She turns a blind eye to my desire to be sexy. I cant wait to get home the 5 days she works so I can wear something fun. Like now. I wont ever give it up. It is pointless to try. It always comes back. It is a part of us. Doesn't make us perverts, pedophiles, sissies, or anything else. It just makes us us.
SO happy that your Girlfriend at least lets you 'get away with it' so long as it's not in her face, I'm going to have to move into a caravan in our garden to give my wife the space she needs to process what I admitted to being after 28 years of marriage at age 56!
She's super-angry and upset (who can blame her, really) but I still have hopes we can be friends again, best wishes to you and good luck from the best part of the UK - West Wales 🙂
Hi Bren and thank you for sharing your story. Mine isnt exactly the same, but it rhymes! I hope to submit it for publication soon and I hope you will give it a read.
All the best,
Chrissie
Hi Bren it was lovely to read your story adn in certain parts we could swap Bren for Glenda and it would read my life story as well. Like you I had a massive hiatus where Glenda was denied for a long time but she is here and a part of me so I have to acknowledge her. My SO has found me out in the past and like you I have told her it was all a phase and past history but and some will think me evil but I live Glenda when ever I can sometimes in private and sometimes when the starts align in public. We can't deny who we are but sometimes we must be discreet to avoid hurting those we love and to make sure those we love don't hurt us
Love as always Glenda
Eek - I worry about that approach to your SO Glenda but it is what I (almost) wish I'd done with mine: instead I came out completely and hoped we'd be able to survive the emotional turmoil...
We didn't but I am STILL hopeful that if I can give her space (by moving into a caravan in our garden) she will be able to re-adjust and see me again as the soul mate, and friend if not lover, that I still am - even after breaking the dreadful XD news about two years ago...
What I am saying is, it's one thing to have and keep this 'terrible' secret, but once it's out there and we keep on lying and deceiving the person we most want to spend our lives with it's just going to make it even more painful and difficult the next time we have to invent some excuse as to why we've been 'caught' ....
Argh - apologies but I am 'fresh out of the box' dealing with loads of shit, not sure where I am going or what's going to happen so loving the fact that there are soooo many beautiful and open people on here prepared to share 🙂
Thank you Glenda - very best of luck with your SO 🙂
(This comes from the UK - maybe we're a bit different over here, or is it just the Welsh water 😉 ?
