Welcome to Crossdresser Heaven, a safe and welcoming place for everyone in the crossdresser community.
Join Crossdresser Heaven today to participate in the forums.
As I was driving home from an event yesterday, I had this pull to stop and get some food. I was in drab mode, so it wasn’t a CD issue or concern. It was just an urge that I felt, almost driven in my need to satisfy my random desire. At the same time, I realized that I had plenty of food at home, and I wasn’t really that hungry. I found myself craving something more.
MORE. I needed more to fill a gaping hole in my psyche. It was inexplicable. I surprised myself with a realization that I was being fooled by my mind into believing I’m not enough. I needed more to be enough.
The problem with the idea of needing more to be enough (much less HAVE enough) is that even when I get the more that I think will satiate me, it still won't be enough.
As I was driving, I recognized this fact about myself, even before stopping to get something to eat. I knew I wouldn't be satisfied with whatever I filled myself with. The wanting wasn’t in my belly; it was in my mind.
This morning, while I was journaling on being Lorie, which is a constant path of exploration and wonder, I thought about what it might mean to achieve enough as Lorie. Or rather, what it feels like not being enough. Oh... that’s been a theme in my life—not enough. Anyone else feel that one resonating in their bones?
The different areas of exploration we experience in crossdressing popped into my head faster than I could write them down. All the things that make me feel inadequate as I go about my transformation chips away at my confidence. We keep hearing about that confidence factor; when I start to put on my makeup, pick out my clothes, and comb out my wig, it feels as if it's all stacked up against me. There is a huge magnifying glass hovering over every aspect of my gender expression. And “fake it till you make it” is the only option to turn to.
I wrote down a list of the parts of presenting as a woman where I judge myself harshly and keep striving for MORE. Next to that I wrote down the reason I feel that I need more. This is how my list looks:
I need to be/have: Because I am:
More passable Not enough
More makeup Not enough
More often dress Not enough
More people who know Not enough
More sexy Not enough
More sensibly dressed Not enough
More fashionable Not enough
More tucking Not enough
More boobs Not enough
More of “the walk” Not enough
More voice feminization Not enough
More clothes/shoes/jewelry/scarves… Not enough
When will I let go of the Not Enough Syndrome? Can I say that I am enough right here, right now? I am whole and complete? It’s a place where I can start.
I’ve been telling myself that I’m not enough for quite some time. I can’t say I remember anyone telling me that, specifically. I think I've been the one telling myself this untruth. I get the sense I've used it as a back door to shame myself as to my gender identity—if I didn’t already have enough shame about crossdressing in the past.
How much of this syndrome of Not Enough is a theme of comparing myself to others? There are always people who are ahead of me, and there are always people that I'm farther along than; it doesn’t matter.
I am whole and complete. I am expressing my best—from where I am and from what I know. Most importantly, I'm happy. The feelings within me and shining through, as expressed on my face is what people will notice long before (and after) my clothes, hair, makeup are on, or how I walk. I am whole and complete just the way I am.
I haven’t had decades of practice, and yet, this is natural for me. When I dress, I feel a huge sigh of relief and contentment. I feel alive. I stand taller. I smile much more.
I am whole and complete just the way I am.
I am more than enough.
Lori,
Your article echoes some of the same themes I wrote about a couple years back
https://www.crossdresserheaven.com/its-all-about-me/
" That prerequisite is that before we can expect others to like and accept us for who we truly are, we have to like and accept OURSELVES for who we are. After all, if I don’t like myself and accept that I am a human being who has intrinsic worth and the right to show the world who I am, then how can I possibly expect OTHERS to see me that way? If I am too timid and afraid to be on the outside who I have always felt I was on the inside, then I am destined to a life of loneliness and sadness-wondering what might have been."
We have to love accept and believe in our own worth if we are to have any hope in being accepted bythe world. Thank you for your spotlight on self acceptance
Cyn
"not enough" is a concept that is not restricted to crossdressing or trans activity. "Not Enough" is a universal concept that is evidenced in the workplace, social engagement, school, religion...and the list goes on. At least in any cultural system I am familiar with, "Not Enough" is the tool that is employed to enforce compliance to established (read 'desired') standards of behavior.
and in answer to the question "Can I ever be enough?"...the answer is no, as long as you seek the answer outside of yourself.
So true, Trisha! The inside is where the gold is, and the cracks (flaws) in the pot (our persona) are there to let the light OUT!
Thank you for your well thought out words.
I liken this internal struggle to two voices in my head at times.
One is the good voice and builds me up when Im down and the other...well thats the one that is always putting me down. The problem is these voices are out of kilter or balance. The good voice is drowned out now by the bad one. And its societies reinforcement of the bad voices point of view that gives this voice more volume. We can never measure up to this voice because it is everything we can never be. it sets goals too high and unrealistic and therefore is always ready to rip us down.
The trick is to hear it and then move on. Yes my makeup is garbage, but it was worse last week and next week it will be better. Im learning and with every lesson Im getting better. That loud voice only has volume if we allow its views to have fuel. If we listen too hard without balance then we will never be enough. If we constantly look at things from that side then we will never be enough.
The trick is to look at what you can do and how youve improved. The journey we all take is similar but never the same one. Our skills vary and our end goals vary also.
Can we ever be enough? Yes we just need to believe in ourselves. See the things we do right and use that as fuel for the good voice
Sarah D.
Sarah, these are some wonderful observations. Thank you for reminding me to look for all the achievements and our good qualities. And the fact that we are always improving!
Ahh Yrs---feeling inadequate----I think it's because of societal expectations--fitting In , which means don't be Different! those with "some power" Punish people for not living up (or down) to their Expectations - -& I'm not just talking about powerful politicians/Bosses /religious leads ect--I'm talking about your neighbors , fellow workers -hell even just people on the street--I've been told (behind closed doors) that because I had no religious beliefs I didn't deserve a promotion --not socializing with the "right" crowd (company events ect can ruin careers--There seems to be a fear of anyone Different--& it's getting more Extreme lately -I've been transitioning but because I have bills (like a mortgage to pay--I have to keep it hidden from people in my workplace--This makes a person feel Lonely--ostracized & even somewhat Ashamed even though I'm not hurting anyone--(so called) civilized societies are reverting to tribalism despite being more educated than ever before -this is Not Logical--but it's happening--Why? Is the human brain Shrinking?
Yes, God yes. This has plagued me all my life. I was ignored as a kid and was kind of sickly too. I always felt I had to be something over the top amazing to get any love or praise. When I'm not posting on FB or getting validation in some other way I feel empty and lonely. I love dressing but I also still feel ashamed and like it's just more evidence that there's something wrong with me and that I'm unlovable. Thank you so much for this article.
My first though upon reading this was "been there, done that." And it's not limited to the CD experience, either. I'm one of those who expect simple perfection in all that I do - an impossible task, which harms my relationships with others, also. I'm slowly learning to "chill out" and accept my (and others') limitations, but 'tain't easy. I know I can't be satisfied with myself until I overcome my makeup and voice issues. Expert tutoring (when I find it) will fix the first, but years of irritation to my vocal chords (No, I never smoked) make a femme voice a real challenge.
Closing with a rhetorical question: Are all CDs also OC, or is that not a part of our condition?
Bettylou, I like your question. From what I've read here at CDH, there are a few. Myself, I'm not OC, so I guess that's not a general state of CDs.
Lorie, thank you for your input. There seems to be universal agreement that dressing is a compulsion, and this group has led me to look at myself more closely than I normally would.
How much is enough? I have over 100 dresses and 30+ skirts. Get more? Yes. I have bras a plenty. I open a drawer and there's a bra. Where did they come from? Somewhere. How much is enough? Who knows.The Addiction to wearing these things is wonderful. Contentment yes. Feeling alive is what we all we need to feel. Go girl, GO !!
"Not Enough" is a though that crosses my mind more and more as I age. Years ago, occasionally putting on a skirt, or panties, was quite enough to please me. But now, after being divorved in 2016, and being on my own, without that proverbial "Significant Other", I find my mind going off into new, uncharted directions. My philosophy now cries for more than pretty clothing. I think about being female, with a truly accepting Significant Other", or better yet, a "Partner", to wander these new trails I find myself going down. Yes, I often think about wanting to be a wife, a sweet, gentle lady deeply in love with a he/she who wants me, to understand, be close to, to warm the rest of my life's journey. No, I am not just a "crossdresser", anymore. I dream of having a little piece of heaven, just for me, Roxanne Lanyon.
Hi what a great article and i bet that there is a lot of us out there that feel the same as you .when i look at my self in the mirror i think crap i look like a man who is trying to look like a woman and yes i know it take practice but you no what i laugh at myself and try to fixed the problem. i agree with you when you see other ladies that look fantastic and there out living there live and you want the same but you are no way ready for it .so i just went to thank you for your help. take care lorie keep going. sophie x
Great article! Thanks for sharing what a lot of us are thinking and feeling. It reminds of a quote I heard a long time ago, I believe it is attributed to Nelson Rockefeller. When asked how much money was enough, he replied, “a little more”.
Hi Emily, Yes, I think it's just part of the human condition. So many evolutionary traits seem useless now, but maybe they are still doing something good for us.
Thank you for the very insightful article! I was talking with someone last week and she pointed out how I am always disappointed in myself because I feel I haven't done Enough in any aspect of life. I'm working on some things on that front. Trying to make some more connections to people. Some success but I will be patient. I'm new here and seeing what I can learn and who I can meet. Thanks again Lorie!
I'm curious, Michelle, what you mean when you say "I’m working on some things on that front." Are you working on accepting yourself more, or working on being more successful to try to rise to the level you that you envision for yourself?
Yes... probably poor choices of words! I'm trying to learn to accept what I DID do and not be upset I didn't do more. I think this will help me have more time (and better moods) to just do what I can. I see the concentration on the negative in people but now I see that I do it often too. So, learned something and enjoying more without working more. Thanks Lorie!
you are you no matter no matter how you are dressed however other people don't see things as you do. you may feel totally transparent and everybody knows what you are doing not true.one thing that helped me was when I went unannounced to visit long time friends and I knew they would recognize me right away but they didn't in fact I had to talk to them before they realized who I was. I submit you will be surprised that you are not as readily know as you feel. most even close friends will not recognize you easily if at all.
if you test this fact you will be much more comfortable. looking critically at all women you will find you probably pay way more attention to details then most of them. I know it is hard to do but If you feel that it is ok to be dressed like you are other people will pick up on it accept you too.
Jamie, excellent points! I made a similar comment at https://www.crossdresserheaven.com/forums/topic/r-e-s-p-e-c-t/
It's a different twist on exactly what you're saying.
And as to the friend not recognizing you, a similar story was told by one of our Crossport members who ran into someone they had known pre-femme days and they didn't believe her when she told them who she was back then, until she showed them a picture of themselves with long hair in drab.
Thanks for your comments, very insightful.
Hugs, Lorie
