Welcome to Crossdresser Heaven, a safe and welcoming place for everyone in the crossdresser community.
Join Crossdresser Heaven today to participate in the forums.
Like most boys, I started cross-dressing by wearing my mom’s panties and nylon stockings. Doing so was both erotic and enjoyable, but being a pre-puberty 8 year old child, I was not sure of the reasons why. Eventually, with puberty, came the desire to wear my quintessential items of womanhood: bras and lipstick! Although strongly drawn to these two items, I was overtaken by fear. Fear that I may reach a point of no return and become a sissy (i.e. a boy dressing in girl’s clothes without any sexual reference applied). It was an embarrassment, what would my family and friends now think of me? Thus, my “secret” was born and it would be kept for another 6 years, during which, I resolutely expanded into mom’s remaining trappings: dresses, skirts, blouses, heels, jewelry, additional lingerie and makeup. I still felt guilty about my “secret” (and the arousal it caused) but I enjoyed even more my womanly transformation and seeing her reflection in the mirror. However, an unexpected day of reckoning was fast approaching.
I was 15 years old when one afternoon my dad left to watch a bowling tournament my mom was participating in. Great! Several hours alone, more than enough time to watch television and relax while dressed as a woman. However, I forgot to lock the door and as I headed to the bathroom to put on my makeup, my dad unexpectedly returned home for a forgotten item. He was gone long enough for me to put on my mom’s bra, panties, garter belt, nylons and heels. When he came in his draw dropped. I ran to the bathroom in my heels and locked its door. I was caught! Eventually, my dad came to the door and asked me to come out. I said “no, you saw me, I can’t come out!” About 15 minutes later I came out with only a towel on. We talked, and he said “I’ll need to tell your mom about this when she comes home”. I pleaded with him not to, but to no avail. I was told to get dressed and go with him to see my mom’s tournament. No more being left alone to cross-dress. After what seemed to be forever, we arrived home. When dad told mom, the s—t hit the fan as she told me to never get into her things again or else…! Next day we talked about it and she asked if I liked dressing up? I said “no, and I wouldn’t do it again”. Sadly, I wish I could have said “yes” and maybe been able to dress up after school and be my parent’s pretend daughter helping with meals, washing dishes and cleaning the house.
After several months, I began to again dress secretly in mom’s things. I’m sure she noticed that her bureau draws and closet items were not quite as she left them, but she never mentioned it. I would continue to dream of being a sometimes female for another ten years. Then following graduate school, I got my own place and with my initial paycheck, I splurged and purchased the latest female fashions thereby creating my own hoard of feminine garments, heels, makeup, and a first wig. It was thrilling and surreal; I could dress as a woman on demand! Something I had dreamed about since childhood. Thus, after work, I dressed up and became the lady of the house. On occasion, I would wait for dark to journey out for either a walk or a drive. These nightly excursions were both terrifying and exhilarating as I sometimes got cat calls or whistles, but that’s another story!
Thanks for taking the time to read my article. Now please take a little extra time to either leave a response to my article or provide an answer to one or more questions I've posed to you below:
- Were you ever caught cross dressing as a child or young man by one of your parents and if you did, what happened?
- When you first started cross dressing as a young boy, was there a sexual arousal associated with your cross dressing?
- Was there guilt and shame associated with your early years of cross dressing?
Thanks so very much girls and I look so forward to reading your responses!
Sincerely, Marian
@mjagirl When I was about 8 I began to wear my mother's things, but I always had her permission. I guess the last time I dressed as a child I was maybe 12. No sexual arousal at all. I've never felt any shame or guilt.
I continue.
Labor Day weekend 2019. I wore breast forms for the very first time. I almost fainted. Then I knew I had a female side. Still exploring and loving every moment of it.
Hi Christine, I appreciate your reply and I apologize for not answering sooner. I found your comments interesting and must say you were very fortunate to have a mother who allowed you to wear her clothes as well as to have felt no shame or guilt in doing so! Did you still dress from age 12 to 2019? Was the wearing of a breast plate on Labor Day 2019 a continuation of your cross dressing activity or a restart after a lull in feminizing yourself? You have the makings of an interesting article which you might wish to submit to CDH for publishing. Continue enjoying your exploration of your feminine side.
Marian ❤
@mjagirl I was never caught by my mom or sister as I started with both of there things. I often wondered how my sister would have never noticed her pantyhose missing or her dresser drawers messed up. When I first started I didn’t realize it may have been arousal but shortly after it did come to that.
Im sure all young crossdressers go through the guilt and shame as I know I went through it for years before i finally excepted myself as a cd. Back then there wasn’t the tech support of the internet to refer to. I thought I must be the only boy that enjoyed dressing as a woman. Untill years later when realized there was tons of other men who also enjoyed this “ hobby”.
Wow, Ashley! You have concisely stated the "shame and guilt feeling" aspect many of us pre-internet CDs exhibited. As you, the internet has helped many of us to accept our fem inclinations as a hobby to enjoy an enhanced balanced life.
Marian ❤
@cdashley I agree, I always thought I was alone but now realize there so many Women just like us
@mjagirl I wasn't caught dressing, but my mother decided to rearrange my room while I was at school one day. I had stayed with a relative and had one of her bras, which was a "D" cup or larger, and two bundles of T-shirts I used to stuff them with. Mom took the bra, which was too large for her, and made me fold the shirts "properly" and put them away. She didn't ask where I got the bra and never mentioned the incident again. My dad would not have been so calm about it. I may have been 10 or 11 at the time. I was so scared of the consequences I never did it again. There was such a taboo about anything related to the body or gender related issues in our family that my natural curiosity was aroused. I wanted to find out what it felt like to have breasts. It felt good and in that family setting, it was one of the few things that brought private happiness. The memory of that must have lodged somewhere in the back of my mind for the next fifty or so years and lain dormant until a particularly stressful time when my wife suffered from a severe infection and was in hospital and rehab for six months. That started the ball rolling again slowly eleven years ago and I have been dressing off and on since then.
My wife passed earlier this year, and that stress has changed to something else. It sounds macabre even to me but, the fact is when I can bring myself to move back into our house, there is a full wardrobe of clothes to try on. This whole situation is so surreal that it is difficult to get my head around it.
As far as guilt goes, when I was a kid, it was more fear of punishment than anything else. Now there is no guilt but, when I dress, it is a very personal activity which brings with it a kind of serenity that I don't feel any other way. I have never thought of it that way until just now writing it out like this. When I feel the movement of the body shaping garments under my clothes I am transported to a different place in my mind and am able to step out of myself and into my other self. Wow! That's a whole lot of me that I have not been in touch with before. Thank you, Marian for your article and for asking the questions at the end. It has given me a lot of things to think about and a new insight into myself.
Love Tia
What a wonderful reply you have given! I'm so pleased that you found my article helpful. You are so sweet to thank me. I'm sorry for my late reply, I've fallen way behind in all my CDH activity.
Some of your comments reminded me of similar activities. I too had my Mom walk in on me while wearing a stuffed bra and female sweater from a bag she put together to give a girlfriend. Surprisingly, she assumed I was just being curious and said put the items back in the bag when I was done. I was around 7 or 8 years old at the time. As in my article, that was NOT her demeanor when my dad caught me and told her 6 or 7 years later!!
My wife has passed away too, 95% of her clothed were too tight on me. So I donated her clothes and refilled her walk-in closet with my own items over time. At first, I was concerned on how many female items I was accumulating. Now, no big deal, it seems right. As you said, female clothes and shapeware can be so serene, relaxing and enjoyable as they "transport" one into that "other" persona.
Again, I'm so pleased my article helped you sort things out and I appreciate your kind compliments.
Marian ❤
@mjagirl in the past month I have had an opportunity to try on many of my wife's clothes. I thought maybe some of them would fit me and I would gain some closet space for "my" things but as it turns out most of the tops and many pairs of pants fit with just a little stitch here and there so the closet is still full and I now have lots of nice outfits to wear. I suppose storm clouds do have silver linings after all.
Love Tia
Hi Tia,
I find my wife's clothes that I still have are "special" and a pleasant addition to my wardrobe too.
Marian ❤
@kimberlyannvictoria thank you. It has been a difficult time getting used to living alone after so many years together. I've been staying with my sister lately which is a great comfort. She helps me get through the rough times.
Its not the exact same thing but my wife cheated and left me after 24 years of marriage and it was the worst thing I ever went through, I understand what you mean about being alone after so many years together. I pray for your continued healing.
@kimberlyannvictoria Oh, my wife and I have had some ups and downs when we were younger and had thought about divorce. I think that I would have been a very bitter person if that had happened. I don't know what emotions you are experiencing but, I hope you can get through with your sanity intact and live the joy you want.
Love Tia
@mjagirl I THINK got caught by a much older landlord as a student when I lived with a couple who provided accommodation for a student to stay. I had been with them for about 2 years when one night I was checking again in a cupboard to see what clothes the landlady had collect for a jumble sale. The cupboard was in my bedroom! I could not resist this tiny spandex based bubble-gum pink miniskirt in there. I found a few items I liked such as the odd dress and leggings. I will admit I had previously tried her pantyhose out. I was just getting this skirt up and adjust when without much more than a single knock he open my bedroom door to ask something about the next morning. They had a daughter but not a son... I mean sons could be caught doing stuff, so clearly not use to privacy!! I quickly pulled a T shirt off a near chair to cover the skirt. He acted as if sorry to bursting in and finished what he said. I have no idea if he realised I had the pink skirt on. That was terrifying!!
Sarah, thank you for your reply. I'm sure you were startled by your landlord quick entry, especially at nighttime.❤
Marian
Yes there was sexual arousal associated with cross dressing, along with guilt and shame.I thought I was the only cross dresser in the world.
I was caught by my mother when I was a senior in high school.They sent me to a psychiatrist. They wanted me “cured”. After a while I told them I was “cured”. After that, I didn’t dress for a while. Then I was very careful not to get caught. As soon as I graduated college, and got a job, I got my own apartment. I was free to buy and wear my own clothes whenever I wanted.
Gail, thank you so much for your comments. I was caught in my sophomore year and had to see a psychiatrist same as you.. Afterwards, I too was cautious and upon finishing grad school did similar to you: got an apartment, bought a wardrobe and makeup and dressed when ever I wanted. Then I got married and had kids, so my CDing was tempered quite a bit. Now my kids are married and my wife has unfortunately passed away thus allowing me to once again wear makeup and have a (now substantial) female wardrobe; all of which allows me to become the lady of the house just about everyday! -Hugs, Marian
@gr5421 A psychiatrist to cure you from the desire to wear pretty things. Wow. That seems crazy in today’s world”
@gracepal Yes, "crazy" for today but not over 50 years ago where the alternative was to "bury" the CD desire and not to speak about it.
Marian ❤
Great story Marian! To answer your questions:
1) I was caught at about age 8 or 9 when I put on lipstick during the night and after freaking out, I wiped it off on the sleeve of my pajamas! Of course, when my mom found the top in the laundry, she told my father and they sat me down after school next day. I got the standard, "boys don't do things like that!" and made me promise not to do it again;
2) Of course crossdressing caused sexual excitement;
and 3) Guilt and shame were part of it for many, many years; with cycles of purging and self-loathing.
The good news is 14 months ago, I told my wife of 20 years about me and she has been my biggest cheerleader and mentor!
Thanks for a wonderful story!
Kathryn,
So pleased that your wife is so supportive, you're a lucky girl! Yes, the purging and self-loathing periods of CDing are really depressing moments on one's self-esteem. But realizing you're not the only CD in the world, accepting that she's part of your being and adding your spouse's approval; brings sanity to being a CD. Now one can relax and start to see CDing as a blessing rather than a curse, which I am sure you are now experiencing. -Hugs, Marian xo
A well-written description of your CD journey, Marian, and so typical of most our stories. The guilt, the shame, the stress, mom & dad's reaction or lack of, the eventual spouse and the part she plays, etc. Almost always the parents "catch" us. Later, if we did not inform her from the beginning, our spouse, in all likelihood, will eventually "catch" us, all so typical, the classic CD story. Job stress and substance abuse, psychological counseling, the list goes on and on...
Thank God many of us do eventually find peace. The peace that comes with knowing who we are and for those of us who seek it, the spiritual peace with our Creator.
I feel an obligation to support those who are still on their journey seeking peace.
Peggy Sue, thank you so much for your comments and you talk about being "well written"! It's an impressively written synopsis of the main points experienced by a person caught in the tentacles of the pink fog. Luckily, I didn't have a substance abuse experience, unless over eating qualifies! You are right-on by stating internal peace comes from "knowing who we are" and "seek(ing) ... spiritual peace with our Creator". These two acknowledgments were the turning point in my acceptance of cross dressing. It's a pleasure and reassuring to see a mature, intellectual presentation on the matter of crossdressing. Again, thank you. -Hugs, Marian
@catgurl Peggy Sue,My Mom and Dad never caught me dressed,but I have always had a feeling that Mom knew i was into her clothes.Crossdressing was NEVER talked about in our house and if it were the remarks were to include a stay in a mental institution for a very extended visit.Scary stuff for a teen ager back in the 60s.After being on my own for many years I am free to be Michelle whenever I so desire.I have made peace with my Creator about Michelle many years ago.He knows all and sees all so he has seen Michelle many times and I do think he approves of her.My grandmother said many times to me "To thine ownself be true".Thanks GrandMa.
Thanks for sharing your story. I never got caught because I didn’t wear my mom’s things often. I can still remember each time I ever did though. I don’t recall being aroused by it because I was so young when I did. But by the time I started underdressing in my 30’s, there was definitely arousal at first. That quickly faded as I underdressed 24/7 and it just felt normal to me. I never felt ashamed except for one experience. I was in my tween years and was spending the night at a friend’s house. His mom cut the legs off some old hose and have them to us to use as masks to play bank robbers (or something along that route). I decided to put mine on one leg and proceeded to do a half man/half woman routine like I had seen on some old cartoons like when one profile was female and the other profile a male. She was reading a book and just ignored the whole thing. Looking back, my embarrassment was more about the silliness of my routine than the actual wearing of the hose. I imagine that I probably would have experienced guilt and shame if my parents ever found out about me trying my mom’s things because they were ultra conservative and would have come down pretty hard on me.
Mika, thank you for your reply. You bring to light how one can be embarrassed by someone not giving you any attention (friend's mom) and someone giving you a lot of attention (your parents). The former is just horse play and innocuous but the latter contains an aspect of guilt and thus brings shame along with embarrassment. I'm glad to see you've reached your level of crossdressing without experiencing much guilt or shame, you're so fortunate. -Hugs, Marian
Yeah, I am extremely lucky to not have had the negative emotions. It’s really been an eye opener being here and reading about other girls that have had to deal with it. My heart goes out to them and I always wish that I can comfort all of them and help them.
Thanks for sharing. In order asked: No I did not ever get caught. I was around 12 when I first started so yes it was very arousing sexually. As to guilt,very much so. I remember those early dress up sessions usually ended with climax and right after that happened I couldn't get out of the clothes fast enough.
Luckily I got over the guilt but also luckily it still can be arousing even though I'll be 72 next month.
Celeste, thank you. I too remember the 'speed change' after climaxing; then followed by the heavy weight of guilt and shame. Definitely don't miss those days! -Hugs, Marian
@mjagirl It can't be a coincidence, can it? I felt the same shame and guilt for decades. I couldn't get out of my clothes fast enough either, but eventually, it waned, and now I can stay dressed in my femme clothes. And all this time, I thought it was just me.
@lisadouglas"I thought it was just me" should become the official slogan of all pre-internet cross dressers!! It surely represents the loneliness and guilt associated with men exploring their feminine side during these prior times. Thank you so much for your reply Lisa Ann, it made my day!
Marian ❤
Hi Marian, I can sympathize with you I've been dressing since I was 10. When I was about 14 I figured since I crossdressed I must be gay so I started experimenting with boys. I had a boyfriend and my parents were at work. He came over and we were fooling around. I was wearing stockings, heels, garters, and bra and I was on my knees in front of him. Mom came home early and came in through the garage door into the recroom and there I was.
She didn't say a word just went upstairs. My boyfriend left, quickly and I got changed and went upstairs. Mom was really cool about it, she said she knew I was up to something, you couldn't get nothing by Mom and it didn't matter, I was her child and her love came without question. All she advised was don't let my Dad find out, he spent 6 years in the British army and really wouldn't have been pleased.
Thankful many times for Mom. She left us a couple of years back now and I really miss her, especially this time of year.
Thank you Heather for your comments. They show where a young boy could use the internet to gain insight into his CDing and realize 90% to 10% he's likely not gay and most likely not destined to become a transsexual. With the removal of this guilt and shame, he would be comfortable to continue his CDing and thereby effectively reduce male stress as he gets older. -Hugs, Marian
I too 'borrowed' mom's clothes, shoes, lingerie, hose, etc., and I left a box of pantyhose out on the table next to the front door. Mom and Dad came home and I got up to unlock the door and they had their key in the lock before I could get there. I saw the box, grabbed it and dropped it behind the piano. They really didn't say much as I found out much later in life when I came out to my mother 3 years after dad died. She told me that dad was a closet CD. Both myself and mom were both surprised that day of discovery. She did say that 'now a lot of things make sense'. I'm sure I didn't always put her things back exactly as they were in her dresser. Anyway, mom supported my dressing up until the day she passed (I sure miss her).
Hi Alexis, such a touching story! You (and your Dad) were so fortunate to have such an understanding mom (wife). Based on her display of such understanding, I can see where you surely would miss her. But also be very thankful for the time you were able to share with her. Such a balance will help bring peace to your life -Hugs, Marian
i was caught dressed up also but by my grandfather where i was wearing my grandmothers dress and nylons and wig, shooting pool in basement where there was no one else home, my grandfather came down stairs to see how i was doing i did not hear him come down. i was caught he did not say much but to make sure i put all her things back in the same spot, but i guess i did not for my grandmother left a note by her dresser, it said to stay out of her dresser drawer, she never talked about it. my x dressing went away for a few years and i started back up with my Gf dress and she never knew. we got married later in 83. that was it i was hooked i could not resist dressing up again so i got dressed up one year and took a pic of me and forgot to put it away,, my daughter seen it and showed mom, daughter said its his body not hers. so my wife knows now. she is OK with me dressing up but will not help or see me even thou she has seen me dressing up and dressed up. but she still will not let me sit in same room as her and talk like 2 woman. she does let me dress up and tells me i can do what i like to do. that's the hint that i can dress up meaning no one is home. still have a 23 year old still at home. i now have my own collection of dresses, nylons, bra's panties, and i even buy my own pads, make up, perfume, ear rings, necklace, heels , wig, nail polish, i even took over my wife's dresses for she does not fit into them.
Thank you Lucinda for your reply. I too had my cross dressing rekindled after getting married and having feminine clothes and makeup present. My wife treated me similarly. My kids are married and my wife has past away so I'm free to dress whenever I wish. -Hugs, Marian xo
Thanks for sharing your story, Marian. It’s too bad that you got caught, your Dad had no acceptance in his heart, and then he told your Mom. It’s a good thing that you got your own place in time, had your own privacy and continued the thrill of cross-dressing.
Rather than take the risk of being “caught” by my Father that I live with, I decided to gather the courage on Halloween night this year, dress up as a woman, and reveal that I’m a CD. He had acceptance in his heart, and it went very smoothly. I’m very fortunate. I wish you the best, sister!
Sincerely, Revel
Revel (pretty name), thank you for your comments. Realize that our dads were of different generations. Cross dressing was very hush-hush back then and not very well understood (i.e. every CD was gay and wanted to become a woman). Your dad is helped by the internet and the general public's much more liberal attitude. I'm pleased that you had the courage to tell your dad and that he was so accepting; you're a lucky girl! -Hugs, Marian
Thank you Marian for the kind compliment regarding my name.
Actually my Daddy is very elderly, and VERY old school. He’s one of the few in this day and age that doesn’t own a cell phone or computer! I do all the technical stuff for him. I also do a lot of research on the CD and TG community and helped him with the truth. Crossdressers are very misunderstood people, but he and I realize that CDs are very kind and beautiful people.
Cross-dressing doesn’t hurt anyone, but judgment can hurt deeply. So yes, you are correct. I’m a lucky girl.
XOXO Revel
Revel, I agree, most cross dressers are misunderstood, kind and beautiful and that judgment can be hurtful. Well said, girl! -Hugs, Marian
Never caught growing up, but definite sexual arousal when dressed. In my teens I felt some shame and confusion, but also knew deep down that I liked men and other boys. The dressing was a big part of that, I thought it would make me more desirable to other men.
Very creative name Jenny! Thank you for your reply. I cross dress for the peace of mind it gives me in balancing my two halves ... male and female. Stay safe from Covid! -Hugs, Marian
Wow, that's a really bold beginning....Straight into underwear and tights!!! I began with a gorgeous little gold pair of heels (meant for my sister!) ..But hey-ho!
I was never 'caught' I really didn't open up until I moved out and left home and began 'adult life' on my own.
There's never been guilt, but certainly experienced confusion. More so trying to identify as a boy. That was always weird. Uncomfortable.
Thank you Kitty for replying. Yes, I went up the "dress up" ladder pretty quickly. I would add new articles every time I dressed until I eventually achieved a complete head to toe transformation. I was mesmerized by the image looking back at me from the mirror! I didn't really have a fetish for any particular item (heels and lipstick came the closest), I just wanted to wear everything ASAP and see my feminine alter ego appear, Thus, Marian was created! -Hugs, Marian
.
Hi , Reading your story is a typical to all of us who passed thru this experience and enjoyed every moment ,,,yet getting caught is part of our dangerous life experience but the thrill of trying not to be caught is a pleasure indeed
Hi Marian
For me it started at 4 years old in a satin feel pixie outfit my sister wore to a school play...
Not sure why but my mother told everyone during pregnancy that I would be a girl... maybe it penetrated!
After the pixie event and as the years went by it was my sister's panties stockings and bra.
My mother caught me with the panties... promises were made but not kept!
Just went into stealth mode... then came the cross dress group meetings in the wrong groups - no support.
So back to stealth mode for years and years. Almost caught by a guy that insistantly wanted to give me a lift home in his car... didn't think I would get to mine!!
So I declined repeatedly...
Another close call amongst others while walking the streets at night (stealth - not pick-up!) I turned the corner and a whole group of guys were by their car with beers... I retreated with speed and disappeared into an unknown garden. They drove past a few times looking for me and then left - a close call of note! This followed by opening up to my bio girlfriend that did not want any secrets between us - my Gay experience did not go down well!!
So now I have gone full circle and the only happiness is when I am in stealth mode again...
This time though I have recently found two groups for support - this one and another local one that will allow me to express my inner truth?
This is the first time I have written about my experiences and it has given me unbelievable peace!!
Thank you to those that read this and will not judge me.
Roxie.
Roxanne, so pleased you have gained some peace of mind after reading my article and expressing yourself so eloquently! Every crossdresser goes through shame and guilt, so welcome to the club. What you must realize is that the desire to cross dress is apart of your physical self; it won't go away and needs some attention to starve off depression. Accepting your female half will bring balance into your life. Balance between your male and female halves will relieve anxiety and help reduce shame and guilt. If you were to consider crossdressing as a neutral activity (i.e. neither good or bad, it's just wearing a type of clothes), then the focus of shame and guilt will be on what you do while cross dressed, some examples being: gay activities, masturbation, and pornography. To some, crossdressing can be a bridge to shameful and guilt causing activities; to others, a mode of relaxation (from male life stresses) and expression of their feminine self.
Regarding stealth mode, it is a means of coping and protecting one's self. Only in marriage should another person know about your crossdressing. But fear of losing a fiancee (is he gay?) or a wife (lied to/deception plus "is he gay?") can make this very difficult to do. Withholding information when married will cause deep feelings of shame and guilt, even for those cross dressers doing it for relaxation/expression as mentioned above.
Hope this is helpful. -Hugs, Marian
Oh Thank you so much for the reply. As I said to Tara, when one opens up it is sooo comforting to find someone on the other side that gives such supportive words. Locally we have a group where I found a friend Joolleen, who I found is also on CDH, to share with - in the last 47 years that is travelling the same path and we are exploring together without judgement! Such a release!!!
Thank you again and all the other ladies that read and support myself and others!!!
Kind Regards
Roxanne.
There first time, no sexual feelings, just wanted to see what I looked like and feel the difference. I liked it and did it again and again. I t got sexual about 13, then it become my undressing a girl.nthank you.
