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Time to lighten up the load… so to speak. My recent blogs have been more somber. I believe we should embark on a cruise of lightheartedness.
To borrow the opening from Dr. Seuss:
Oh, the Places You’ll Go!
Congratulations!
Today is your day.
You’re off to Great Places!
You’re off and away!
I’ve been at this Managing Editor position for a long time, since 2016, and I’ve read (and seen) quite a bit on this site. While we are all uniquely different in our pursuit of the crossdressing experience, we still have many things in common. I happen to be one of those rare individuals that share both an analytical approach and a creative side, a gray area awareness. This is both a blessing and a hindrance in living any type of life…
If… you throw in my propensity for anxiety and introversion, it’s a wonder that I’m not in a padded cell or an isolated cabin in the mountains (a dream destination.) Just like my crossdressing (or transgender) state of mind (depends on the day) my life, like yours I suspect, leaves me with way too many unanswered questions. With every layer I unwrap, more questions surface.
There have been some common threads in what I’ve seen as the progression along the “Crossdresser Timeline.” Some will skip along and paint their toes at distinct moments, but many of us have followed a similar pattern. Early in our childhood, we become attracted to a specific, attributed female object. For me, it was high heels. I would parade around in my mother’s shoes until I was told I was too old to do so. My sister had a pair of Mary Jane pumps that I couldn’t keep my feet out of. It was a natural progression to next include nylons, then silky undergarments, to dresses. I could keep the urges under control by dabbling in minor CD behavior. I tried to live my best manly side while buying and purging a pair of high heels, nylons, and lingerie as needed. I had my hairiness in place and let the shame and guilt keep me depressed while I struggled with all the questions of why?
It wasn’t about trying to look feminine at all. It was the need to wear those heels and calm the voice that yelled in my head. What I thought was I did it to compensate for the stresses in my life. What I know today is the opposite. By shutting down and trying to eradicate that side of me is what created the stress. Not that being a CD isn’t stressful. Oh, how I wished there were some pictures of the hairy guy strutting in the garage on 6-inch heels. I used to hide them in my golf bag during the winter and in a Christmas decoration box in the summer.
The next stage of my evolution was the research stage, which really only happened with the help of the internet. Trust me when I say that prior to the 90s it sucked, not that it was great even then. There was nothing good to be found, and it truly felt like you were the only one. I couldn’t get enough of watching crossdressers, drag performers, or transgender individuals on television, especially on some of the talk shows. Looking back, it’s easy to see the signs. It was still an internal fight between acceptance and refusal. With the internet came more understanding and the dawning notion that I wasn’t the only one. It also brought freedom to shop for those exciting outfits, but discreetness wasn’t yet the norm. I was home to get the mail before my ex. What did my postal carrier think?
Somewhere, at some time in our lives, I believe we all have the “Ah Ha!” moment. That pivotal notion that this isn’t ever going away and that I am not like the other guys. The option is to embrace it, succumb to despair, and try to drink, drug, or other means to ignore it or come to a balance within the scope of our necessity to live the fallacy of our life. That is the path the majority of us have taken. We accept what we are or might be, and we acknowledge that we may not be in a place or position to bring it out of the closet. That moment didn’t happen for me until after my divorce (because I was caught.)
For nearly two years, I excitedly embraced it. I’ve never been so fit, but I wasn’t happy. The feelings of my male failure eventually won out, and I went seven years into another relationship, purging everything, including the magical photos that I wish I had back. We can’t change what we are, I tried, and it still called to me. I may not have dressed and did my best male interpretation, but my mind wouldn’t let me rest. It permeated into the relationship, causing me anxiety and depression. It’s been 10 years since, and my mind is in a much better place. There are always going to be issues…
The progression from clothing items to fully presenting as a woman has been exciting and comical to review. I believe we first try to emulate that which excites us. We attempt to become our “dream” girl. It takes a severely blind eye to be happy with the result, or an extremely gifted body and ability to pull it off. I had neither. I may have always had great legs, but pulling off the rest has been challenging. Thank God for thrift stores and the internet for “How To” videos. Just like every woman out there, certain styles and looks will work better than others. Learning to accept what does is the hardest part, but then again, it really comes down to what we want this experience to be, a passing moment or structural building block in our present and future life.
The one commonality I believe most women despise us for our legs, hips, and slimmer faces, in a crossdressing, presenting as a woman way. We can bulk up our hips with padding and look years younger just by putting on a wig, something they would love to be able to do. We can’t easily hide the rough hands or broad chests, but with the right styles, we can minimize the scrutiny. The world is changing, some for the good, and recently for the bad as the war against being trans rages on. Every human searches for their acceptance, their place, their group. We have some of the best allies right here on CDH and TGH. We are far from being alone. I see a future where, eventually, we will enable human rights over division. Let’s hope it comes sooner than later…
Live a life worth living, full of kindness and empathy. Don’t ever forget to laugh, it just might save another’s day 😊
Until next time…
Thank you Brina for this wonderful reminder that there are many good things that we have in our lives, and the fact we can embrace our lives is always an amazing thing!
Hugs,
Lauren
I get excited with each element of femininity, jewelry or hosiery, lingerie, nightwear, daywear, makeup, hair and look. I fear our world is still a bit frightening and not quite ready to let us move freely in every place. I'm happy to live in a place where it is legal and reasonably common and accepted. A huge debate rages over identity. I don't want kerfuffle and I don't want to be attacked by some riled up transphobe. My best moments are with women when we find out we use the same product. The other day in the hairdresser, our makeover artiste was juggling two reasonable challenges, but we fit in with each other timewise quite nicely so neither of us were kept waiting. There was a very beautiful moment when we were both about 97% complete and really clocked each other and to some surprise at the finished makeover transformation in both cases, despite very different methods. I walked out with a spring in my step. Brina, I imagine both CDH and TGH are growing and I am grateful for all these efforts which are bringing happiness to hundreds or thousands of girls, and all your efforts are hugely appreciated. And you look like a doll xx
Lots in there Smartina. First, thanks for the compliment and for also commenting. I think many of us would agree that we find interaction with women to be easier than other men. I can talk with and be happy around women but feel guarded around most men. I've only kept a few close male friends in my life, and even they know less of me than the important women in my life. I hear you on the fear in places today. Have a super weekend.
As one who started at a young age I can empathise with you Brina. It wasn't just shoes it was everything, wanting to be among the prettily dressed girls.That feeling never left even when repressed. I knew who I was but played the male part but one of the reasons I couldn't go further in a relationship was my secret. I miss the companionship but in light of so many experiences know it was probably the right thing to do and have to stand by that decision as it allowed me to progress to the point I am now. I can wear the pretty dresses and be among those girls, who are now women, chat and talk about things that would make a man blush.
Thanks for the comments. I too am hoping to share in some more experiences now that I have some freedom. Hindsight is easy, knowing it for what it meant as it happened is the hard part. I wish that I'd had more of a clue back then.
Sabrina, as always thank you for your inspirational and well written articles.. your article is so meaningful how I express my feminine feelings.. thank you for all you do for the girls here at CDH.. hugs, Leonara
Thank you Brina, glad to see you getting to a better place.
Many thanks to you Brina. Your story reminds me, and I’m sure others, of the path we have taken over our life time. Many of the younger generation I don’t think realize the hiding and denying we had to live with. My mother found my stash in my pre-teen years. That was bad enough, but then she took me to the doctors for physical and mental exams. Of course back in the 1960’s they all agreed it was a “phase” I and others go through. We hid within ourselves, yes it was torture, but we survived. Today things are different in many ways. Luckily we are now able to be more open to others, many understand and embrace us. At the same time we have those that what us back in the closet and out of their sight. (I’m not getting into the politics of it, we all know the problem). How we all started this journey is diverse as the stars in the sky. The common factor we share is we love who we are and respect each other.
Thank you for the concise comments. The fear of being taken to the doctor to get "fixed" was something I remember worrying about. Throw in religion along with politics and the world is a scary place, maybe even more so today than in my childhood. The ability to hide was once much easier before smartphones, drones, and security cameras were everywhere.
You write so well. I love reading your articles. I also feel you hit some points others might miss.
I only disagree with one point. I don't think there's a war against trans. Maybe a distaste. There is a war against "we're coming for your children"!
Thanks for the compliment and the comments. Your point is noted. In my opinion, any time a notion becomes a concerted effort that is nationally orchestrated, it becomes more than pockets of isolated distaste. I use the terminology of war probably too harshly, as it is the one that fits best in my mind. I could easily state the current national distaste for trans has far-reaching consequences in the future if the tide isn't stopped. There is a collaborative effort by another minority-thinking people to perpetuate lies for their convenience. Should they win this, they will most certainly go after another group. Thankfully, we live in a nation that (mostly) has proper checks and balances in place. We might not always agree with the courts, but they are a last stop against the abuse of legislative powers.
Have to agree with this. In an overall liberal society you get pockets, but if the government gives signals that such attitudes and aggression are OK, such as Russia or some East African nations, the results are quite terrifying.
thank you for the lovely words and post of cross dressing. yes society does not under stand the cross dressing world, some do most dont.but why is it that real woman can dress in manly cloths and get away with it??? we dress up in female cloths and we are called names in which is not right at all. we are just showing our feminine side of us, some can look pretty and more sexy or passable then real woman now days. cross dressing has been around for many years like in the stone age years. who is to say that dresses and skirts are for females, when the Scottish wear kilts. only id socitey would under stand the cross dressing world and say nothing us cross dressers would come out of the closet and show our feminine side and we can be depressed free and less stress. for me i dress up to feel happy and less depression and no panic attacks. plus the fit and look of female cloths feel better on me and look better then the boring male cloths, nothing good about jeans and shirt, and sneakers. real woman get to wear nice fitting dresses, skirts, nylons panties, bra, make up ear rings. some men wear a earring . when i have my time to dress up i am a different person when dressed up from head to toe. i hate getting changed back to the boring male cloths.
Hi Brina
As a relative newcomer to Crossdresser Heaven I'm still exploring the site and all that it has to offer. I've only just started looking at the articles, and it's taken me even longer to realise that I can comment on them!
I loved this article in particular. One section really hit home:
'It wasn’t about trying to look feminine at all. It was the need to wear those heels and calm the voice that yelled in my head. What I thought was I did it to compensate for the stresses in my life. What I know today is the opposite. By shutting down and trying to eradicate that side of me is what created the stress.'
I'd never thought about it like that, but it's so true. Thank you for the insight - it's a bit of a game changer for me.
Hugs
Ellie x
Thanks for the comments, Ellie! If I can manage to save the life of a few pair of expensive heels out there, then I'm all for it. It's sad to think of the number of pairs I sent to the landfill over the years. So many others were donated (at least they found a new home.) I think that we all meet our crossroads (pun intended) and make that choice. I will accept or I will continue to fight you. I wish that I conceded much earlier because it has brought me good things and not bad. Sure, the world doesn't know, that has its own level of stress, but my mind and body do, and they are thankful not to be in a continual conflict. Thanks again! 🙂
Thank you Brina for such a refreshing & relatable entry! In addition to occasionally enjoying local live drag shows, I too absolutely enjoy programming which feature or include transgender/crossdress/drag show personalities!
I chuckled, especially when you mentioned what must the mail carrier be thinking… I have so often wondered just that. If you ever visit Florida… A cocktail with you would be fun!!
Cheers!
Genie
I was just there, although it wouldn't have been easy to slip away from family (We were at Disney and Universal) The cocktail would have been wonderful. Thank you for the comments. I always had to be creative in getting rid of the packaging, too. 😉
thank you for the wonderful article.. it was/is the eyeliner/mascara for me..
Yeah, I get that! It was almost like watching them do magic. Thanks for commenting 🙂
Bruna such a profound article! We have travelled much the same Riad. And such a rollercoaster journey!! Thankyou so much
Alícia
That is such a great article, Brina, and it hits home to me in so much of my life, as I suspect it will resonate with many others here too.
Like you, it was through the sometimes dubious power of the internet that I came to better understand myself. Not the why of course, but that I'm not alone and more importantly there are others like me and it's just fine to want to dress in women's clothes.
For some reason I've always often not been like others, and then when I finally came to accept this part of me, it made sense in that way.
Thanks Brina!
Amy
Hi Brina. Thank you for your wonderful posting. I’ve been dressing since my teens, and I loved every minute of it. I had a mother who, when she caught me in her bra one evening, decided to be supportive instead of destructive. Now, since I am mostly alone since loosing my wife’s year and a half ago, I’ve made the decision to socially transition and live the rest of my days as I should have been. I’m now out to my church (Episcopalian) and I’m well accepted there. I socialize more with the LGBTQ community than my other groups.
I live in a fairly open and accepting city where just about any day you can find a drag show or some event hosted for the LGBTQ community.
Again, thank you. Ragina.
PS. Keep an eye open for an article by me.
That's great! I hope to be able to be more out there in the future. Thanks for sharing! 🙂
