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The following is a poem I wrote one day, as I was rationalizing about my crossdressing on New Year’s Eve.
Carolyn Kay’s - Closet Thoughts
Another year starts on this beautiful day, and if you read on I have something to say.
I have seen more than sixty of these days come and go, fifty-five of which I had a secret in my soul.
If this secret was to be known by those I love,
everything would change without help from above.
I would no longer be known as brother, friend, or Dad, but the person with a problem and that would be sad.
They wouldn’t understand that it still would be me, I just need to express what needs to be free.
Perhaps they would understand and that would be great, but the risk is too high so no action I will take.
So I will sit here with my family, friends and the one person who knows - my wife, and know this is how I must enjoy my life.
My secret I will keep way down inside, until I am alone and she can come out with pride.
I have a good life with lots of love to share, after all, this is my secret I just have to bear.
So another year starts with me feeling a little shame, because no one knows me by my other name.
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- Are you currently deep in a closet with feelings of sadness or guilt resulting from your thrill of cross dressing?
- Do you have plans on coming out of that closet and sharing your cross dressing secret with others either inside your immediate or extended family members?
- Or would you feel more comfortable coming out of that cross dressing closet to someone who's not a family member like with one of the sales ladies who sees you shopping on a regular basis or maybe even the person who cuts your hair on a regular basis? These type people may be much more accepting than family members who have known only the male version of your for many many years don't you think?
Thank you for taking the time to read my poem about my "Closet Thoughts".
Please feel free to send in a response to either my poem or one or more of the questions I've posed to you above. I would love to hear from you girls!
Sincerely, Carolyn
I love it! I think all of us girls can relate to your feelings and thoughts. Don't give into shame; you are a lovely person and a best friend to me! Write more poetry, Carolyn!
Hugs, Kathryn
Hello Carolyn,
This is so well scripted... it is a wonderful poem, filled with emotion!
I have come to accept that there is nothing wrong with me/us just because I/we change clothes and put on lipstick. This poem enlightens those of us who know both our personas because, in my opinion, we are blessed to know our whole selves.
Societal pressures keep some of us in the closet. Finding the door knob is so liberating, if only to share our whole selves with our best friend...our wife!
I too "...have a good life with lots of love to share..." Thank you for being a part of it.
Warmest personal regards,
June
June, thank you for the wonderful compliments on my poem, and thank you for being you and my friend.
Carolyn, that's a very lovely and well written poem, and contains many good thoughts.
To try to answer the questions.
I am partly out of the closet, my wife knows and is supportive, but none of my children know. I want to tell them, but my wife doesn't want me too.
A number of others in my circle do, and it seems to slowly widen. Many stores where I shop, know me, in both guises. So far, I've not had a bad reaction.
I am wanting to start to tell me adult children later this year, but I won't go against my wife's wishes if she still really doesn't want me too. I simply want to be able to dress the way I feel. Sometimes it would be en femme, other times not.
Thank you.
Amy
Hi Amy, I know about NIT going against the wife’s wishes, we have to keep the delicate balance. Inside we are wanting so bad to tell everyone - this is me.
A plea for understanding to a world that seems unable to understand. Like you, it’s a secret so many of us keep from even our closest relatives and friends. To them we are an enigma, our passions inscrutable and too aberrant to be discussed. So we hover in the shadows, fearing discovery. The luckier ones like you have an understanding wife, whom I admire greatly.
As for me, and those like me, who are a singularity, we will more than likely remain forever in the closet having only ourselves and our wonderful sisters at CDH to confide in.
So, keep putting your thoughts from the closet into verse, Carolyn. It helps us all to feel better about who we are.
Your good friend at CDH,
-- Camryn Occasionnel
Camryn, thank you so much for your thoughts on how we must be careful. We are all so sweet inside and want so bad to just share with others, hoping to be understood and accepted.
Wow, this is so inspiring and captures everything I have always struggled with. Thank goodness I now have a girlfriend who is transgender and she understands. Getting rid of feelings that have built up in more than 50 years is another thing though. Making baby steps and getting there thanks to this amazing community and posts like this.
<3 <3 <3
Hi Katie, I am so happy you saw and understood the meaning in my poem. I still have a long way to go to be who I want to be, but I understand I may never achieve it. I love my family. I am happy to hear you are now enjoying who you are and have someone to share your life with who knows you. Carolyn
Hello Carolyn,
My wife and I read your poem together this evening. While she is trying to understand, she is having some difficulty fully accepting why I "change clothes." I tell her it doesn't matter what I am wearing, I am the same person and soul. The same person she fell in love with and married. Whether I am secretly expressing myself, or openly expressing myself, I am the same. The words of your poem helped her to understand that.
I count myself among the lucky ones who has found the door knob of my dark closet, and opened it to the light. You have so eloquently expressed our situation in your poem, that it has helped my wife better understand me ... and us.
Thank you again for so sensitively expressing perception...
Warmest personal regards,
June
Oh, that elusive door knob to the dark closet. It can be so hard to find, actually turn, and push to open. I guess i have found the knob but I have yet to turn it to open. I am so glad your wife read it and it helped her understand who you are just a little more. Thanks so much for your comments and all you have shared with me. Carolyn
Great poem I wish I had the nerve to go out,maybe just to buy some clothes,and I just wish my wife was on board with this.no one knows anything about Sami oh well,such is life
Hi Samantha, it can be so hard to have to hide all the time, believe me I know. Hopefully thing will get better for you as life goes on. I am not sure if your wife knows anything about you or not, but you have some decisions to make. Try to find friends on this it’s who are like you in age and marital status to share with, it has helped me tremendously.
Carolyn, such a lovely poem. I can definitely relate to your poem. Hugs Denise
So glad you enjoyed it. I think a lot of us girls really would like to be more open with the ones we love, but we know how much things may change if we did. It is a very personal decision we struggle with.
Carolyn,
I think your poem really speaks to the pain of having to keep something so very basic a secret from the world. I think we all pray for the day when we can freely proclaim who we are and know that the response we get will be one of simple acceptance. No marching bands, no squads of cheerleaders, but no condemnation or recrimination either.
Hi Joanne, you are so right, we do not want to be in the spot light just be able to be who we are, without being judged. You worded it so well when you said “simple acceptance”, why is it so hard for others to live and let live. However, it is the way the world is so we must adjust and enjoy our friends here on the site who love us dearly and understand. We can only hope the others we love, who do not know, can and will someday accept us for who we really are.
Thanks Carolyn for sharing these wonderful thoughts. At this stage no one knows about Stephanie except my wonderful friends on CDH, and it has to stay this way for now.
Love, Stephanie ❤️
That is what friends are for, to share and understand without any judgement.
Very nice and thoughtful poem, I can see a lot of me in it. Thank you for sharing.
Very nice Carolyn. I can fully emphesize
Very Nice poem, & for me and I am sure many others very true ! Thank You !
Yes, unfortunately so many of us do have to hide this part of us, but to do what we must to attempt to keep a balance with our friends and family.
Carolyn,
what a great thought provoking and incite full poem.. As you know its very appropo for my circumstances with my wife… as I read the comments from other readers .. it was very timely… thanks for sharing my friend, Leonara
I am glad you liked it, it came from my heart. I know your situation, and the anguish that can develop not being able to tell the one you love, and others.
