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How do you tell people that you're somewhere on the transgender spectrum? Is there a system that works better than others? This is one with which I've grown comfortable. Tell me what you think.
I had posted a topic in CDH describing my experience as I went to a business meeting en femme with a group that I had recently come out to. Laura asked how I came out to them, so I offered this response.
Wow that's a great question! As I look back, I realize there was a progression in approaching the group, and there is a progression in my conversation.
I started with the leader of the mastermind group who was also my business transition coach at one time, as well as my trainer when I decided to become a life coach myself. You reveal a lot to a coach when you're working on yourself. She knew me very well. When I told her about Lorie, she said she felt honored to know the whole me, and that she felt closer to me for the reveal. I asked her if she thought it would be OK to tell the rest of the group (of six), and she thought they would be good with it. Which they were! As a matter of fact, one of the members of the group has two out of three of her adult children who came out to her as trans in the last year or so.
When I tell people, I refer back to the timeline for me. "Over the past three years, I've allowed myself to explore an aspect of myself that I've tried to push away for my whole life. As I explored my gender identity, I've come to realize that I'm somewhere on the transgender spectrum. I have a friend who helped me to understand it better, because they are experiencing something similar as an AFAB (Asigned Female At Birth) who feels male most of the time. They call it genderfluid. That's what I am. If you never want to see this, just say so, and I'll honor the image that you have known for so long."
"One of the reasons that this has been a major confusion for me my whole life is that I assumed that if I was feminine or identified as female then I must be gay. But I've never felt gay. I've never been attracted to men. So I thought I was just a pervert. But sexual attraction is not linked to gender identity status. Now that I'm OK with being female while not being attracted to men, I am free to explore my feelings around this."
"I wanted to tell you this for a couple reasons. One, I trust you. Two, secrets generate shame. As I release the secret, the burden and the SHAME are slowly diminished. This may seem selfish on my part, and if it is a burden for you, I apologize. My intention is to be open and honest and learn to be myself."
"As I go through this process of expressing myself, I feel a lightness and wholeness that is amazing. I don't know where it leads, but it's a fabulous journey, even if it is terrifying at times."
"You probably have a few questions, so feel free to ask them now, or maybe you need to think about this a bit and the questions will come later."
OK, so that's my system. Sometimes I can lead into it with reference to something I've done, or something I wear (like nail polish). Just this past Saturday I told a woman I've known for several years when we were at the Renfest and I bought a pair of women’s gypsy pants.
I feel like I have to gauge my trust for the person/people, or just decide I'm tired of hiding it. Even in those cases, I don't bludgeon people with this fact, or tell them in an aggressive way, or give them the "shock and awe" treatment of just showing up dressed en femme. That's not my style, and I feel that the psychology of it is like people who are "brutally honest;" they are more interested in the brutal part than the honesty. Passive aggressive?
We're going to upset an apple cart that has been an apple cart for many years, and I want to be compassionate and kind to them so that we can continue the relationship in a healthy way.
I would suggest rehearsing this system at the kitchen table pretending you're talking to someone who you trust and want to know about your true self. Get a sense of it. Imagine it from their perspective. Maybe even record it to get the listener's perspective.
The first person I told was my life coach who lives on the other side of the country. The next person was the genderfluid friend that I mentioned. The next was an ex-girlfriend who lives in another city. Safe. Start safe.
Do you have a system for coming out? Do you have any suggestions or concerns about this one? If you came out to someone, what was their response? How did you feel? Would you like to do it a little differently?
Thanks so very much for taking time to read this article of mine. Please take the time and answer any of my questions posed above or serve up any reply to something in my article you can related to!
Sincerely, Lorie
Hi Lorie , yet another wonderfully written article , I can relate to much if it.
Fir my wife and I I guess there's 2 levels we look at , firstly a " need to know " . My wife is free to tell anyone about me/ us , it's not become her dirty little secret to keep. Importantly for us she's informed her department & several of her superiors , we believe they need to know especially if she's struggling on a work day , so that people she's interacting with are aware something is wrong but it's not them. The work colleagues have been nothing but supportive , oh yes lots of questions but that's also good - enlightening for them.
Secondly , people who are involved in our lives have been told , there's not many so that's easy.
Those who don't deserve to know don't get told , generally we're quite open , it's hard to disguise as I wear female bracelets , anklets & toe rings plus have painted nails .
Xx Tiff
Tiff, this sounds like you've got a great system and network of support. I like that you're selective and discerning.
Hugs, Lorie
What a wonderful article Lorie, thank you. I've now told numerous people including family, friends and customers since I started feeling femme 3 1/2 years ago. While I believe rehersal helps in figuring out how to answer some of the questions that do come up, non of the conversations have ever quite happened the way I planned. I had come up with a couple different plans because the dynamics of the relationship to the person you're telling differ as well. I tend to use the analogy of being somewhere on the male/female spectrum, at different points for the physical and mental portions. It always seems to come round to...because it makes me happier and feel much better about myself.
For those considering having the conversation for the first time, it can be a scary proposition for sure. Although a negative response is always a possibility, it hasn't happened to me thus far and by telling, has allowed me to live more fully in the company of these individuals without any further need for being dishonest. It feels good!
Isn't it great to get so much positive response? I love it! Nothing but support, encouragement, and joy so far. At least, that's what they show me. I hope they don't feel like they have to act happy for my sake.
Honesty feels good.
Hugs, Lorie
Hey Lorie, thaaank you for your contribution. I do life coaching and I just love helping someone step over the imaginary sides of the playpens edge and expand their playpen into a playground. I too was so confused about the mix of gender/sexuality but I am settled in my feminine look now and love my amazing cis wife. Always step in safety and only far enough outside the box to stretch, not break hehe I started growing my playpen a few years ago and now I am comfortable walking through the city mall in full fem. I didn't want to "come out" by way of rage and anger but instead, I wanted to expand with humility and grace. I am succeeding 🙂 I usually tell peeps I'm going to see for the first time that I am one on the trans part of the rainbow of the and I have not had but one awkward issue.
We are changing the world Ladies, so keep on!! I am grateful to be here with you 🙂
Namaste'
n huggles
Char
Char, I love the focus on humility and grace! Same here. And safely. It's a journey, not a race.
Hugs, Lorie
Exactly, I love win/win walking side by side and exploring...
That make he adventure a whole lot of fun hehehe
Thanks Lorie
Create a Magical New Year my friend
Namaste'
n huggles
Char
Very good thoughts, and thank you for sharing so much with the rest of us. Gives me somewhere to start if/when I start to reveal the existence of Amy to other friends and family.
Amy
Hi May, I am very clear how terrifying it can be. I feel that being vulnerable and authentic is key, and letting people know that it is a journey that we are so happy to finally be on, that they can get excited with us.
Hope that makes sense.
Love, Lorie
While I'm still figuring out how far things will go and where my path will lead, I wrote forum posts about the first two people I told-my niece then one of my good friends. first was https://www.crossdresserheaven.com/forums/topic/the-plan-was-to-go-to-christmas-town-at-busch-gardens/ and the second was https://www.crossdresserheaven.com/forums/topic/coming-out-the-sequel/
With my sister she discovered it from her niece ( I wrote an article about that- https://www.crossdresserheaven.com/an-open-letter-to-my-sister/ )
I don't know if they'll help or not but there ya go 🙂
Cyn
HI Lorie.
I absolutely love your ideas. I am early on in my journey, exploring and experimenting with style and clothes and thoughts of being femme full time. But I haven't shared it with anyone. I hope you don't mind if I steal your "script" it seems most efficient. We want to share, I think, who we are, but with (as someone said) humiity and grace. I love that. And we are changing perceptions, a little at a time. Making it easier for those who come after. I am searching for a mentor, as it were, someone in my local area I can learn from.
Thank you for sharing.
JaiymeLynne
Jaimye, you are welcome. I know it has been so intimidating for me, and this process has created beautiful results for me. I hope it is useful for others.
The fact is, we want to be "seen." I know that i took ridiculous (in my mind) risks to be exposing myself in my front yard or at the drive thru. Because I wanted to be seen for who I am. I'm lucky because I get to do that in numbers with my support group that gathers at restaurants that seem friendly to us.
And, you're right, we get to make it easier for those who come after.
What area are you in?
Hugs and love, Lorie
Lorie,
I am in Las Vegas, NW area called Centennial Hills. Been here since 1977, What part of the country are you in?
Peace and love,
JaiymeLynne
Beautiful!! Surround yourself with kindness and support JaiymeLynne, and keep on rockin being you dear!!
Namaste'
n huggles
Char
You are so brave and beautiful!
I have only been dressing for 9 months but I went out from the start. My presentation has improved greatly since then. Ive been to makeover at Ulta, a dozen department stores, theaters, meals and city street strolls. The first time I went out I went to see a friend of mine in a band. I sat with his wife who was surprised but not shocked. When the band took a break my friend came over and sat at my table. He just stared at me for 15 minutes. When he went back to the stage his wife told that he had been dressing for 15 years and neither one of us knew. Since then we have been out with our SOs many times. By the way one of his band members asked who was the lady at his table.
Hahahaha Ya gotta Love that!! What a fun story and cudos to you Jennifer, keep trail blazing girl!!
Here we come hahaha
namaste'
n huggles Jen
Char
I've come up with a way that woks for me. I am in the process of telling my 4 brothers. sSo far I've told 3 of the 4 and on the last 2 what I did was to visit the at their house dressed in fem. I wore flats, destressed jeans with flowers emboidered on the pockets, a flowerey top and a little make upwith lip stick and large dangly ear rings. Tried to brush my now shoulder length hair nicely.
When I go up to the door I have thrown over this a hooded sweatshirt and my covid mask. After saying hi I tell them I need to tell them something and show them something. I then take off my mask and sweatshirt and let them know I've been doing this for a while. So far the response has been all positive and I am so happy about being out!!
Sandy
Hi Sandy
I too found that letting family and friends know takes away a large burden, wether they agree with it or not is their choice, but we get to live our life more easily day to day. I'm happy for you that they were accepting.
Hi Lorie, a wonderful article. It has given me useful ideas. I like the idea of coming out to first to someone who is not close geographically or personally. It can be a confidence builder if they are accepting of the news. If they don't like what they hear, and want to shun you, it won't be too big of a hurt. I don't think everyone has to come out, but I want to because I don't want to be discovered. The hard part about the decision is that you don't know for sure how the other person is going to react.
