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At an outdoor music event where I was in guy mode, flying solo, I noticed a couple consisting of a young man and lady walk on to the lawn and pause. The guy stops, puts his hands on his hips and looks around to assess the situation. The woman stops, watches the guy for a second, then starts looking where he’s looking, and scanning the area. He seems intent. She seems curious about what she should be looking for. The male and female dynamic seems apparent, or perhaps I’m projecting on to them my own stereotypes.
As I watched them, my mind went back two weeks prior when I was visiting in Asheville, NC. I took several opportunities to dress, sometimes as an all up girl or sometimes androgynous or genderless. One of the total en femme evenings was a dinner out with a friend who is an ex-girlfriend from 5 years ago. She is a dear friend now, and she is one of the dozen or two people who know Lorie exists. This was her first face to face time meeting Lorie.
It was exciting to be out in public, and my friend seemed comfortable with the situation of me being Lorie. In a later conversation she shared that it felt just like any dinner with her other girlfriends, just chatting away, and not like she was with a guy. This was nice to hear!
But while we were having dinner, I felt a certain discomfort, or internal contradiction, perhaps. I couldn’t place it. It seemed quite silly, because I was delighted to be out in public, despite any (perceived) curious glances from other diners.
It was when I saw that couple at the music event that I got a glimpse of why I was a little awkward at the dinner. I wondered if perhaps the discomfort was because I was not accustomed to the female role in a relationship, whether as a friend or a significant other. I felt a bit disoriented by the change in my role (again - my perceived role). I was more familiar with the guy role of assessing, evaluating, and working the logistics.
There were several questions running through my head such as: How does a woman behave and relate in this situation? What is this feeling I’m experiencing of relating on a more emotional level, and less pragmatic? Can I see how I want to reach out for the old and safe anchor of male practicality? What do I do with that, especially in a potentially anxious environment that can trigger a desire for the safer, familiar ground of maleness?
Then I began to wonder about the dating scene. I’m attracted to women still - always have been. So that means I’ll be going out with women and flirting as a woman. What will that be like? Can I find my voice in that situation? Can I stand inside my feminine self without resorting to the male persona? How much do I tend to control conversations or relationships in guy mode? Time to take an honest look.
This journey sometimes feels a whole lot differently than it "thinks". It can feel both like a home-coming and stepping onto foreign soil at the same time!
I am grateful for this awareness and the opportunity to integrate it all so that I can be made whole.
What integration are you aware of that feels disorienting, conflicting, or confusing?
When dressed totally en femme, do you find yourself attracted to females, males, or possibly both? And how that may be different when you are dressed in all guy clothing?
Thanks for taking time to read my article and I’m looking forward to hearing your responses.
Love ya, Lorie
Hi Lorie,
Your journey is so similar to mine. Though i havent meet any friends i attended a lunch event with other cds and women. Your bio is so similar to mine, I used to dress when i was young later i felt ashamed and stopped. A little over a year I started building my closet I do lot of shopping from thrift shops but i also try on dresses in stores before buying. I have always been attracted to women but when i dress up and go to any cd events most assume i am into men so i stopped going to cd events eventually. (also i too have that insecuirty that i am not a legit woman) right now i dress secretly.
Thanks for your article, it was fun to read.
Krystal.2167
Hi Krystal, I'm glad you haven't turned your back on yourself and still dress to affirm your femme self.
It's a shame when our own community starts to stereotype our sexual orientation based on our gender expression. It seems as though the attempt to be open to nonbinary stops at the concept of trans women being attracted to women. Fortunately, the crossdresser group I belong to has several members with female SOs. Not an issue here. I love getting out with my support group. I don't know if I would have EVER gone out if I didn't get to be with them.
Holding space for your emergence!
Hugs, Lorie
Very good article Lorrie. I started at young age experimenting wearing femmine clothing and love it . I purged in late teens because of mixed feelings of who and what my gender was.
I started back dressing in early 30's but have been in closet.
I now realized that I love dressing for my own gratification and not so much sexual gratification.
Although I do prefer males
Dianne, it sounds like your femme self is evolving very nicely! I support your preferences, no matter what they are, or if they change from moment to moment, lol.
Very thoughtful article, Lorie. I have only had the opportunity to be out fully dressed and made up (I call it the "full Melissa") and interacting with other CD girls on a precious few occasions. I've also met CD girlfriends in my male persona. I've come to realize that I need a lot more practice in social situations as Melissa before I can begin to be 100% comfortable in my female role. So you might say your article has given me a nice push to make the effort to get out as Melissa much, much more than I have. Then maybe I'll be able to sort out my feelings and figure out just where I fit in the CD world. Thanks so much!
Interesting take. For me I’ve never been truly comfortable in the male role in relationships. I’ve always been a more emotional, sensitive person and not one given to dominating a conversation or making the decisions about everything. I’ve been paralyzingly shy much of my life though Cyn is helping to make me more outgoing and willing to talk to folks-even one’s I’ve just met. Still attracted to women -though wouldn’t absolutely rule out anyone if they are the right person for me. Anyway, interesting article , Lorie!
Cyn
Hi Cyn,
I remember the scene in Transparent (Prime tv series) where Mora is defending herself from her (his at the time, still in the closet) from his wife, when Mora says, "What do you want me to do?" and his wife says, "I want you to be a man!" I felt like that happened a lot in my marriage and maybe in other relationships. But I also know that the years have given me lenses for the male that I tend to put on. It's a habit. I have to consciously take the lenses off when in femme mode. But not become subservient. Where's the balance?
Hugs, Lorie
Enjoyed the perspective you had on the whole scenario, great sense of awareness and the feeling for safe ground. I had never considered the female-female complication
very informative, thank you for bringing this to my awareness
Nice article and thought provoking.Everyone is different and you have to make sure you enjoy what you are doing, When I am dressed en femme I am attracted to male but not in guy clothing.Females can attract me in either clothing but not sexually. Probably I aspire to be like them.
Emma
I am more interested in the gestures and body language. The original Mercury 7 astronauts were coached on body language. They were the face of NASA and at the time the US was in a race with the Soviets. One of the key things was that astronauts MUST place their hands on hips with palms facing down, not against thighs.
Why do women cover their moths when surprised or shocked?
Why do women fan themselves with their hands when emotional?
Are women's mannerisms learned or innate?
Are women becoming less expressive?
Those are some great questions, Deanna! I really put a lot of effort into mannerisms when I am dressed, it really makes a difference in how feminine I FEEL. If I can see myself in a mirror, it can make a huge difference in my appearance as well. But I'm more interested in the feeling that I get from being a woman.
Peace, Lorie
As time has went on & I dress more I'm finding I'm less & less Interested (Sexually) in women---I still admire women but--It's because I want to be more like them--I have from a young age admired women & been able to related to girls/women easier than men-
Some very interesting thoughts in that article and it made me wonder about my own reactions. I am most definitely a straight male. But I have noticed that when I dress carefully en femme, carefully enough that I can relax in public, I've seen guys checking my legs and I get a genuine thrill about perhaps being seen as a potential date for some guy. My feelings about my own sexuality apparently do change when I am en femme.
Very interesting points. It makes me think both of how I could improve and how in some ways I am disappointing as a man to women. Definitely two conflicting opposites it will be hard to manage. I think you are in a very good spot though where you can just be natural. All that you are witnessing sounds like a lot of baggage that you no longer have to live with. Whatever is natural is going to be reasonable, even if there is room for improvement. You will be able to completely escape a lot of gender expectations and I can’t imagine many things better than that.
Hi Lorie , a whole lot of thought provoking ideas in your article , I know immediately to mind that if I'm out with my wife ( as her husband ) that we role shift , my mannerisms can & do become femmine & she can become quite masculine . This isn't always to balance the male/ female in the couple , it just happens . Hope this makes some sense , Tiff
Tiff, I had the same thing happen with my former wife. I learned from a counselor that this is the norm. If one person shifts, the other will subconsciously shift to fill the void. Isn't that interesting?
Wow , to have this acknowledged by a professional is hugely interesting . It's not s concern for us fortunately , it just how we've adapted .
Thank you for letting me know this ☺
Hi Lorie, I can see the conflict growing up in Chicago in the city the male protector always comes out in me. As Kathy I enjoy the feminine side and would love the supported role but as you stated as male it’s impossible to suppress. I’m what I feel which is lesbian as it comes to attraction and desire.
I feel like I can move into the supported role if I am conscious of the male trying to rise. I learned in my coaching practice to be able to talk to that "part" of me that is trying to protect me, and tell it that I'm OK for now and "he" can just rest for a while. I'll let "him" know when I need help.
Great article, if in female mode I would be attracted to nice looking guys as I want to be treated as an object of desire and hopefully be attractive to them also. In male mode I love women despite looking at their clothes and feeling envious that I am not in a dress too.
Hi Sandra, thanks for your kind words. That idea that it's nice to be attractive to men makes sense. If I feel good and want people to look at me, perhaps the ultimate compliment is the attention from a man. Then again, am I setting myself up for disappointment by expecting it if I'm not "passing." Thanks for your perspective.
My first wife knew of my crossdressing, but never wanted to know what it meant to me or my perspective. If she had been willing to listen and could get past her judgment, preconceptions, and dismissal, who knows where we'd be? We'd probably still have divorced, because the CD thing was not a significant contributor, merely another reflection of poor communication. My current wife (24years) is not comfortable with the whole CD thing, but she does not judge me - knows it's part of the man she loves.
That said, I remember being out with the first, maybe 30 years ago, when she saw a man and woman at another table. The woman was very attractive but athletic and masculine the way many beautiful woman. She said that the woman was probably a crossdresser. I said that I disagreed for several reasons, but among them, she was with a man. My then narrow view of crossdressers was that we were virtually all heterosexual. If I was going to dress up for dinner, I'd do it for a woman. She either didn't get it, or didn't believe it.
FAM
