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Posts: 4
Lady
Topic starter
(@barb33)
Active Member     Woodstock, New Brunswick, Canada
Joined: 1 year ago
wpf-cross-image

I've been crossdressing since an early age. My first time and what I wore were my sister's red tights. Their feeling of sliding up my legs was a very different experience. I can't remember why I tried them on; I just did. I suppose I was always a little envious of the girls and their clothing, stockings, tights, pleated skirts, ponytails, barrettes, and hair ribbons.

Wearing my sister's red tights was wonderful; somehow it felt right. In a few days, I was donning her blouse and pleated skirt, white socks, and of course, her ankle socks and buckled shoes. I remember the feelings that I had. It was such a rush of endorphins that it has never left me. I think she knew, but never said anything; my sis loved me; we were very close.

Reality eventually sets in and so does the fear of being caught. That voice inside our head guilts us. "What in hell are you doing? You're a boy, not a girl." So, the battle of wills begins, our split personalities, the struggle in sharing those female feelings that want to come out. There is a need to find a balance by trying to keep the male more predominant and socially acceptable. Shame and guilt rule us, I think from that time forward; it's too bad, really.

Who thought up the wonderful idea of BLUE for boys, and PINK for girls? Well, I might be able to change history if I had a time machine, as well as his nose because I assume it was a male. The real question is Why?

Through the years, I have been married three times. My first wife was a little okay with things; it just didn't work out. My second, after being told I love to wear panties, well, things changed after that, and we divorced. My third wife knows I wear them, and a few other items, and lets it go. I have never told her about my dress, skirt, pantyhose, high heels, wig, and breast forms. I don't want to push it.

I wish with all my heart I could pass as a woman, maybe if I were a teen again I would pursue it. It was my wasted youth, looking back on that part of my life. Has any of us looked at an attractive woman...  I'm not talking about teens but ladies in their mid-twenties and older, wishing you could be her for a week, a day, an hour. I do so almost every day. To know you’re stunning and have it all together. What an hour I think it would be.

But for now, I am me. I'm learning to accept the person for who and what I am. A person with a better half inside that is always trying to embrace me. My advice: don't purge when you feel so ashamed of her. She will be back, she never leaves; she’s been there from the moment of our inception. Just take a time out and reflect.

 

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30 Replies
5 Replies
Hostess
(@ab123)
Joined: 5 years ago

Illustrious Member     Surrey, United Kingdom
Posts: 3446

@barb33 It's an interesting history over 'Blue or boys and Pink for girls.  In the victorian times white was the colour for both as it was easy to clean and boys were dressed in girls clothes quite often right up into the early 20th century. Blue was also considered a girls colour as it was seen as a dainty colour and pink for boys as it was a stronger one.

In the 1940's the change came to blue for boys and pink for girls, the reasons reversed and not so clear why, perhaps reflecting societies thinking then. There is still a strong colour association even today despite the modern attitudes. A few decades ago men started to wear flowery shirts and even pink. It was said 'You have to be a real man to wear pink'....go figure.

There has been a recent topic on the subject of being 'her' for a day or week. I am sure that there are some that wish that totally but is it a case you want to be like her, to dress and deport as a woman? There are some stunning crossdressers as well as stunning real woamen, they are blessed with the right body and style. Like any girls there is that longing to emulate a fashion icon but the reality is much the same that without botox, medical procedure or screen filters it ain't gonna happen. Just make yourself as presentable as possible using the wigs, clothes makeup and body enhancers available then things should  be fine.

 

 

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(@denimwear)
Joined: 4 years ago

    Other, Alberta, Canada
Posts: 697

Hi Angela,

Wasn't it the 'Sixties pop singer Beau Brummel that wore pink frilly shirts? I remember that there was a men's fashion to wear such shirts at the time.

Lynne

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Hostess
(@ab123)
Joined: 5 years ago

Illustrious Member     Surrey, United Kingdom
Posts: 3446

@denimwear Frilly shirts were indeed a thing in the late sixties and early seventies and was seen as masculine.  'New wave' came along in the eighties and attitudes were different as makeup was added.. Adam ant and Culture club to name but two..

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(@denimwear)
Joined: 4 years ago

    Other, Alberta, Canada
Posts: 697

@ab123 I remember cravats in the late 'Sixties and early 'Seventies as well. Stylish and much better than wearing a tie. Marc Bolan and T. Rex are amongst my favourites from that era.

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Guest
(@Anonymous 93000)
Joined: 1 year ago

Estimable Member
Posts: 121

@barb33 Well said Barb!  As most have said I have purged too many times to remember.  You are right the girl inside never leaves.  I have accepted who I am and will enjoy Melissa as often as possible.

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Posts: 2172
 J J
Lady
(@jjandme)
Famed Member     California, United States of America
Joined: 5 years ago

Been there, done that, as have many here. The most important thing we must do is to accept ourselves as we are. There is nothing wrong with wearing women's clothes, fantasizing about being a woman or transitioning to be a woman. It is just who we are.

Once you accept that try to live your best life. It is your life, not antibodies else and nobody can tell you how to live it. As I have said before, if somebody has a problem with the way you dress, it is their problem, not yours.

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4 Replies
(@jenniferr)
Joined: 2 years ago

Estimable Member     Greenville, South Carolina, United States of America
Posts: 81

Oh you're right about being there and doing that, and it is our life, but in reality we can't always be who we feel we are. It depends on where you live of course, but it most areas attitudes have not progressed enough that we can always outwardly express who we are. I have a friend who moved up from Florida, where attitudes are a bit more accepting, but here she found that she could not live life as a woman and still find a job. Laws don't mean squat, whether age, race or gender identification. There can always be some reason why we don't get hired, but it happens. I have another friend who is now divorced after his wife found out. I was in a similar situation, almost 10 years ago and some things have changed, a little, since then but had I decided to come to work dressed as a female I would have been out the door in short order. A Right to Work state also means a Right to Fire state. Yes, if somebody has a problem with the way you dress it's their problem, but many times, their problem becomes a problem for you also. Now that I'm retired and have no one I have to conform to, and I've reached the point where I just don't care what others think about me any more, I'm out and full time. I'm fortunate to have wonderful friends who accept and support me as I am (since no matter what the outside looks like the core me is still the same) and aside from a few 2nd looks have not received any negative feedback, except for my sister who says I'm not allowed to look better than she does. To the contrary, I have had women approach me and tell me they're impressed at how I can walk around in 5" stilettos, and even once a suggestion on perhaps I should be wearing a more blue eye shadow for my complexion. I love it, I love being Jennifer, she's my life, she's ME now, but when you still have to survive in the working world, other peoples problems can, and often do, become ours.
Hugs,
Jennifer

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Lady
(@harriette)
Joined: 2 years ago

Illustrious Member     Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Posts: 4023

@jenniferr You are right, Jennifer. There is no one solution to all of our issues or problems.

Even though I am also retired, I do have restrictions that I know that I have to live within. It's my choice to do so, so long as my wife accepts it. I don't want to experience any of the negative alternatives.

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(@jenniferr)
Joined: 2 years ago

Estimable Member     Greenville, South Carolina, United States of America
Posts: 81

@harriette Oh I understand, if my wife were still alive i believe things would be different for me too.  Although she accepted my dressing too, at home in private, she did have an issue about something like that extending beyond our walls and perhaps into our public life.  We were going to retire together, but she became ill and I retired to take care of her.  She passed just 2 weeks before our scheduled retirement.   So when she passed I was retired, and now alone.  It took about a year to adjust, a period in which I didn't dress, just didn't feel it any more.  But at least i didn't purge, again, and sure enough, after awhile, that craving came back.  By that time, after a year of fighting my cancers and then a year of her fighting hers, most of our so called "friends" had drifted away, it's during those times that you really find out who your true friends really are.  With no more than a handful of true friends (who still accept and support me today), retired and widowed, I was completely free to begin any new life I chose to.  After taking shrapnel in Vietnam, losing the right side of my colon to cancer,  2/3 of my left lung and 1/3 of my right lung to cancer, and losing my wife of almost 50 years, I no longer give a crap about what any stranger thinks of me.  I've paid my dues, and as the surgeon who removed my lungs said the day after I survived the surgery, "God's not done with you yet."  I believe I was spared, to care for my wife, and then move on to give life to that woman who has been patiently waiting, hiding, occasionally peeking out, always there through thick and thin, driving me crazy at times.  Maybe sometimes we do get a 2nd chance, an opportunity to build a completely new life, a better one with more love and empathy, more understanding and wisdom, to give that inner woman a chance.  Now, it's Jennifer's turn, I have turned my life over to her, and she makes me happy.  I feel a joy unlike anything I've ever experienced before, a warmth and freedom, and for sure an appreciation for every day I wake up.  I've stood on the bank of the river Styx more than once and I realize there are no guarantees about having a tomorrow.  A single word can change your entire life in a moment.  So now, I have decided to set her free, set myself free, I am Jennifer, and I will not let her die in the dark of a closet.  She deserves this time my body has been blessed to have remaining,  or perhaps I have been deemed worthy of enjoying her.  Now, it is exactly as you say "if somebody has a problem with the way you dress, it is their problem, not yours."  It's a great place to be, but it's one hell of a road to get there.  May we all get to experience it some day. 

Indeed. 

Hugs,

Jennifer

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Lady
(@harriette)
Joined: 2 years ago

Illustrious Member     Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Posts: 4023

@jenniferr Thanks for that heartfelt reply, Jennifer. Maybe some day Harriette will get to go out as some of you do, too.

Reply
Posts: 105
Lady
(@jamie001)
Estimable Member     California, United States of America
Joined: 3 years ago

Barb,

Is the picture in red really you? If that really is you, you are one of the most beautiful and attractive women that I have ever seen.

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Posts: 697
(@denimwear)
    Other, Alberta, Canada
Joined: 4 years ago

Hi Barb,

In much the same way as you, when I was eleven years old I had the irresistible urge to wear my sister's dress. I don't know what compelled me to do so, but the feeling I got pulling it over my head and watching it fall into place was incredible. After that time though, I didn't take it any further. I think because the chances of being caught were too high. It was not until when I was in my late twenties that I once again had such an urge. Not with my sister's clothes this time. I remember having a black bell skirt, but can't remember where I got it. It was always such a relief to pull it on though.

Lynne

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Posts: 121
Guest
(@Anonymous 93000)
Estimable Member
Joined: 1 year ago

There are advantages to being retired and single.

Something I think I have learned, is that psychologically I'm ready to accept my female life more and more.  In giving up boy pajamas and sleeping in long luxurious gowns, I sleep better.  I used to wake up frequently.  Now I sleep straight through the night, with satin or lace or chiffon brushing against the full length of my legs all night.  With a bra and a full variety of forms (depending on my mood) I sleep wonderfully.

Being retired, I wear a bra 24/7/365 (almost).  In my small town I'm not ready to go out fully dressed, and anyway it would take hours with makeup for me to pass.  So, I'm content for now, happy to live as a woman and simply pretend to be a man when needs take me out in public.

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Posts: 22
Lady
(@emilyf)
Eminent Member     Fort Myers, Florida, United States of America
Joined: 6 years ago

For most of us the initial fear is being read but I'm echoing what others have written on various sites-NOTHING beats going out in society as a woman.The rewards are well worth the chance of someone calling you out And what are they going to do-burn you at the stake?Just start slowly like a visit to Walmart and see how it goes

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Posts: 22
Lady
(@emilyf)
Eminent Member     Fort Myers, Florida, United States of America
Joined: 6 years ago

whoops-something else I would like to add from my own experience--think Cheers. I don't drink much but for a number of years have gone to a few places that have music-sat at the bar and had a couple of drinks. After a while people will get to know you and accept you. The gender issue never comes up . They know me and call me Emily and with many conversations I have I suspect that they have forgotten that I'm not a woman

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2 Replies
Baroness Annual
(@conniech)
Joined: 2 years ago

Reputable Member     Fairfax , Virginia, United States of America
Posts: 232

Gee Emily, that's encouraging to hear. I'm soon going for evening number two at a coffeehouse /wine bar with music. Happy hour beer and appetizer then dinner. First time went very well.

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(@jenniferr)
Joined: 2 years ago

Estimable Member     Greenville, South Carolina, United States of America
Posts: 81

I've gone to a local lounge too, just last Saturday again, and have had the same experience. I've found that if you just act normal, like a normal female would, people barely even notice, and once a conversation starts it's all normal. All they know me as is Jennifer, and there are some who actually look forward to seeing me there again. It's not what you look like on the outside, it's who you are on the inside, and if you present yourself as just an everyday normal female, that's how people take you. Our image was just blemished for awhile by those overblown drag queens going out and acting crazy in front of children. Fortunately that craziness has died down, but for awhile they were giving all of us a bad image. It takes people like us, who present normally, getting out there and acting like normal human beings that are helping people to accept us. If you want to be accepted, you have to act acceptable, and messing with children is a sure way to make people upset.
Hugs,
Jennifer

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Posts: 81
(@jenniferr)
Estimable Member     Greenville, South Carolina, United States of America
Joined: 2 years ago

Hi Barb,
I'm always amazed at just how common these stories are. It seems almost all of us knew from an early age that we were "different" inside. Way back, when I was young, we didn't realize what was going on, being born and raised in a little, mountain, coal mining town, (we didn't even have TV until I was around 10) we didn't know anything like transsexualism or cross dressing even existed. Had I revealed these feelings I would probably not be here today, my remains forever lost in some mine pit. So we hid it, fear drove us deep into the closet, not understanding why we had to be so "weird", ashamed, hating those feelings. Once I hit puberty and didn't develop quite like the other boys, I still grow no body hair, it became harder to hide and I became more isolated. But then came the Army (back then our options were enlist or be drafted) and they quickly built me up from my 95 lbs to a muscular 120. Life changed, but not the way I felt inside, and once I got out, now married with a child, I secretly began building my stash, dressing only during those few stolen moments, just as so many of us do. But there was always the shame and guilt, countless purges, probably enough to keep any Goodwill Store in business for months, thinking I had to quit this crap, be "normal", wishing the desire would disappear, just die and leave me alone. But she don't. She's in there, a part of us, many times actually a larger part of us than the faux life we build around ourselves in order to fit in and survive. Now, maybe thanks to the internet and sites like this, attitudes are changing, and we can feel a little more free to express ourselves. So I've reached the point, I've lived that life. I've gone to school, served my country in Vietnam, served my community in local politics, had a wonderful almost 50 year marriage until cancer took her away, built my career and a satisfactory retirement, raised a daughter to be able to build a successful career of her own, survived colon and lung cancer, I've played that role, been there, done that. Now, it's Jennifer's turn, her turn to live life for the time I'm blessed to have remaining, and I will not let her die alone in some dark closet. And I find that now, while I have no regrets about the life I have lived up to now, that I have found a new kind of happiness, a joy that I can't say I even experienced before. Maybe it's something to do with the more feminine mentality I'm developing, maybe it's a joy Jennifer feels for finally being set free, or a joy I feel for setting her free. But it's something new, wonderful, and I'm enjoying it greatly.
Hugs,
Jennifer

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1 Reply
Baroness Annual
(@conniech)
Joined: 2 years ago

Reputable Member     Fairfax , Virginia, United States of America
Posts: 232

Wow # 2, following Lacy's. What a captivating, respectful and inspiring story. I hope for you a 2024 of delight!

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Posts: 20
Duchess Annual
(@rowena1)
Eminent Member     North Carolina, United States of America
Joined: 8 years ago

"She will be back, she never leaves; she’s been there from the moment of our inception." That says it all, nothing else needed. 

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Posts: 2537
Baroness
(@amylove2dress)
Famed Member     South Western Ontario, Ontario, Canada
Joined: 6 years ago

Barb, I can relate to so much of what you've said, I too started young as many do, and like you I gave it up for ages because of the shame of this. Finally a few years ago after discovering CDH I have been able let Amy free and have got over much of the shame I learned in my teens.
Like you I lament about all the time I lost hiding away but at least I'm were I am now, with a bit help from my friends at CDH!

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Posts: 163
(@hvdt)
Estimable Member     Groningen, Groningen, Netherlands
Joined: 7 years ago

I started to write an answer which turned out to be more of an article so we’ll see if it gets published…but back to my thoughts on this.
I think we need to accept that acceptance will never be black and white but also come out and take what's thrown at us. Being me has cost me relationships but is also more important than being someone else, in what is then a theatrical relationship. I told my current girlfriend/partner on our second date about who I intrinsically am. I could have been a ‘deal breaker’ but it wasn’t. I would rather be alone and be me than be an actor in a play. I did that for thirty years and it was the source of a lot of sadness and depression. Swapping blue for pink would mean we would just want to wear Blue. It's the desire to wear a colour associated with the opposite sex.

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1 Reply
Guest
(@Anonymous 93000)
Joined: 1 year ago

Estimable Member
Posts: 121

@hvdt

Dear Helene,

I love the self acceptance and the reveal not being a deal breaker. Life is too short and precious for us to be anyone but ourselves. I looking forward to that article!

Gracefully and glamorously,

The Bluest Belladonna

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Posts: 21
(@kristybucks)
Eminent Member     Florida, United States of America
Joined: 7 years ago

Of course NOW its so ironic that wearing red tights is all the rage. Oh well, wear them proudly, I say!!!

Reply
Posts: 202
Hostess
(@misssamantha)
Reputable Member     Bromley, London, United Kingdom
Joined: 5 years ago

Hi Barb

Hope this reply finds you well.

Firstly, let me say what a brilliantly written and heartfelt article.

Like many ladies here and myself, it all started with a pair of tights at a young age and grew at a snail's pace from there until really 2016. For personal reasons, I cannot elaborate any further.

You are correct, about the need for balance, especially in public. I will always maintain that having a feminine side and using it makes us even more of a whole person and while we do our best to hide it, she is there not outwardly facing but in our hearts, mind and spirit.

Wishing you a great weekend.

Hugs,

Samantha x x

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Posts: 121
Guest
(@Anonymous 93000)
Estimable Member
Joined: 1 year ago

Yes,,,,never purge if one can resist. Had 2 purges,,,,total regrets today. But I can understand,,,,just dont beat yourself up over being sexy!!!

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Posts: 17
Lady
(@deeann68)
Eminent Member     MT Olive, North Carolina, United States of America
Joined: 4 years ago

I think you summed things up for me. I have always enjoyed dressing but cant share with spouse. To do so would end my relationship with the woman I love. I dress on the side and do all I can to keep it hidden. I am not a beauty queen but when dressed enjoy a feeling of happiness and contentment. I try not too pine for what if and instead enjoy my moments.

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