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I've been crossdressing since an early age. My first time and what I wore were my sister's red tights. Their feeling of sliding up my legs was a very different experience. I can't remember why I tried them on; I just did. I suppose I was always a little envious of the girls and their clothing, stockings, tights, pleated skirts, ponytails, barrettes, and hair ribbons.
Wearing my sister's red tights was wonderful; somehow it felt right. In a few days, I was donning her blouse and pleated skirt, white socks, and of course, her ankle socks and buckled shoes. I remember the feelings that I had. It was such a rush of endorphins that it has never left me. I think she knew, but never said anything; my sis loved me; we were very close.
Reality eventually sets in and so does the fear of being caught. That voice inside our head guilts us. "What in hell are you doing? You're a boy, not a girl." So, the battle of wills begins, our split personalities, the struggle in sharing those female feelings that want to come out. There is a need to find a balance by trying to keep the male more predominant and socially acceptable. Shame and guilt rule us, I think from that time forward; it's too bad, really.
Who thought up the wonderful idea of BLUE for boys, and PINK for girls? Well, I might be able to change history if I had a time machine, as well as his nose because I assume it was a male. The real question is Why?
Through the years, I have been married three times. My first wife was a little okay with things; it just didn't work out. My second, after being told I love to wear panties, well, things changed after that, and we divorced. My third wife knows I wear them, and a few other items, and lets it go. I have never told her about my dress, skirt, pantyhose, high heels, wig, and breast forms. I don't want to push it.
I wish with all my heart I could pass as a woman, maybe if I were a teen again I would pursue it. It was my wasted youth, looking back on that part of my life. Has any of us looked at an attractive woman... I'm not talking about teens but ladies in their mid-twenties and older, wishing you could be her for a week, a day, an hour. I do so almost every day. To know you’re stunning and have it all together. What an hour I think it would be.
But for now, I am me. I'm learning to accept the person for who and what I am. A person with a better half inside that is always trying to embrace me. My advice: don't purge when you feel so ashamed of her. She will be back, she never leaves; she’s been there from the moment of our inception. Just take a time out and reflect.
Been there, done that, as have many here. The most important thing we must do is to accept ourselves as we are. There is nothing wrong with wearing women's clothes, fantasizing about being a woman or transitioning to be a woman. It is just who we are.
Once you accept that try to live your best life. It is your life, not antibodies else and nobody can tell you how to live it. As I have said before, if somebody has a problem with the way you dress, it is their problem, not yours.
Barb,
Is the picture in red really you? If that really is you, you are one of the most beautiful and attractive women that I have ever seen.
Hi Barb,
In much the same way as you, when I was eleven years old I had the irresistible urge to wear my sister's dress. I don't know what compelled me to do so, but the feeling I got pulling it over my head and watching it fall into place was incredible. After that time though, I didn't take it any further. I think because the chances of being caught were too high. It was not until when I was in my late twenties that I once again had such an urge. Not with my sister's clothes this time. I remember having a black bell skirt, but can't remember where I got it. It was always such a relief to pull it on though.
Lynne
There are advantages to being retired and single.
Something I think I have learned, is that psychologically I'm ready to accept my female life more and more. In giving up boy pajamas and sleeping in long luxurious gowns, I sleep better. I used to wake up frequently. Now I sleep straight through the night, with satin or lace or chiffon brushing against the full length of my legs all night. With a bra and a full variety of forms (depending on my mood) I sleep wonderfully.
Being retired, I wear a bra 24/7/365 (almost). In my small town I'm not ready to go out fully dressed, and anyway it would take hours with makeup for me to pass. So, I'm content for now, happy to live as a woman and simply pretend to be a man when needs take me out in public.
For most of us the initial fear is being read but I'm echoing what others have written on various sites-NOTHING beats going out in society as a woman.The rewards are well worth the chance of someone calling you out And what are they going to do-burn you at the stake?Just start slowly like a visit to Walmart and see how it goes
whoops-something else I would like to add from my own experience--think Cheers. I don't drink much but for a number of years have gone to a few places that have music-sat at the bar and had a couple of drinks. After a while people will get to know you and accept you. The gender issue never comes up . They know me and call me Emily and with many conversations I have I suspect that they have forgotten that I'm not a woman
Hi Barb,
I'm always amazed at just how common these stories are. It seems almost all of us knew from an early age that we were "different" inside. Way back, when I was young, we didn't realize what was going on, being born and raised in a little, mountain, coal mining town, (we didn't even have TV until I was around 10) we didn't know anything like transsexualism or cross dressing even existed. Had I revealed these feelings I would probably not be here today, my remains forever lost in some mine pit. So we hid it, fear drove us deep into the closet, not understanding why we had to be so "weird", ashamed, hating those feelings. Once I hit puberty and didn't develop quite like the other boys, I still grow no body hair, it became harder to hide and I became more isolated. But then came the Army (back then our options were enlist or be drafted) and they quickly built me up from my 95 lbs to a muscular 120. Life changed, but not the way I felt inside, and once I got out, now married with a child, I secretly began building my stash, dressing only during those few stolen moments, just as so many of us do. But there was always the shame and guilt, countless purges, probably enough to keep any Goodwill Store in business for months, thinking I had to quit this crap, be "normal", wishing the desire would disappear, just die and leave me alone. But she don't. She's in there, a part of us, many times actually a larger part of us than the faux life we build around ourselves in order to fit in and survive. Now, maybe thanks to the internet and sites like this, attitudes are changing, and we can feel a little more free to express ourselves. So I've reached the point, I've lived that life. I've gone to school, served my country in Vietnam, served my community in local politics, had a wonderful almost 50 year marriage until cancer took her away, built my career and a satisfactory retirement, raised a daughter to be able to build a successful career of her own, survived colon and lung cancer, I've played that role, been there, done that. Now, it's Jennifer's turn, her turn to live life for the time I'm blessed to have remaining, and I will not let her die alone in some dark closet. And I find that now, while I have no regrets about the life I have lived up to now, that I have found a new kind of happiness, a joy that I can't say I even experienced before. Maybe it's something to do with the more feminine mentality I'm developing, maybe it's a joy Jennifer feels for finally being set free, or a joy I feel for setting her free. But it's something new, wonderful, and I'm enjoying it greatly.
Hugs,
Jennifer
"She will be back, she never leaves; she’s been there from the moment of our inception." That says it all, nothing else needed.
Barb, I can relate to so much of what you've said, I too started young as many do, and like you I gave it up for ages because of the shame of this. Finally a few years ago after discovering CDH I have been able let Amy free and have got over much of the shame I learned in my teens.
Like you I lament about all the time I lost hiding away but at least I'm were I am now, with a bit help from my friends at CDH!
I started to write an answer which turned out to be more of an article so we’ll see if it gets published…but back to my thoughts on this.
I think we need to accept that acceptance will never be black and white but also come out and take what's thrown at us. Being me has cost me relationships but is also more important than being someone else, in what is then a theatrical relationship. I told my current girlfriend/partner on our second date about who I intrinsically am. I could have been a ‘deal breaker’ but it wasn’t. I would rather be alone and be me than be an actor in a play. I did that for thirty years and it was the source of a lot of sadness and depression. Swapping blue for pink would mean we would just want to wear Blue. It's the desire to wear a colour associated with the opposite sex.
Of course NOW its so ironic that wearing red tights is all the rage. Oh well, wear them proudly, I say!!!
Hi Barb
Hope this reply finds you well.
Firstly, let me say what a brilliantly written and heartfelt article.
Like many ladies here and myself, it all started with a pair of tights at a young age and grew at a snail's pace from there until really 2016. For personal reasons, I cannot elaborate any further.
You are correct, about the need for balance, especially in public. I will always maintain that having a feminine side and using it makes us even more of a whole person and while we do our best to hide it, she is there not outwardly facing but in our hearts, mind and spirit.
Wishing you a great weekend.
Hugs,
Samantha x x
Yes,,,,never purge if one can resist. Had 2 purges,,,,total regrets today. But I can understand,,,,just dont beat yourself up over being sexy!!!
I think you summed things up for me. I have always enjoyed dressing but cant share with spouse. To do so would end my relationship with the woman I love. I dress on the side and do all I can to keep it hidden. I am not a beauty queen but when dressed enjoy a feeling of happiness and contentment. I try not too pine for what if and instead enjoy my moments.