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The phrase “On the Horns of a Dilemma” comes to mind this morning. That is how I feel at times, and carefully evaluating the pros and cons of either action can be useful, but in the end even armed with a logical assessment, it can be agonizing making a decision. To put this in perspective, I'm sometimes torn over whether to tell people about my hobby/fetish. The hobby I'm talking bout is, of course, crossdressing.
I read an article recently by a crossdresser who went out of his/her way to tell family members that he was fond of crossdressing. Trying to get in front of this is not that easy. It makes me wonder, why tell someone who doesn't need to know? The wife needs to know, I get that, and she should be told. A woman you are getting romantically involved with should be told up front, too. That I support. Then she can make her decision as to whether she wants to pursue the relationship. I've written about this elsewhere.
If y'all want to tell people close to you, it still may be a crap shoot. What if they are secretly hostile to crossdressers, but just polite enough not to make remarks about what they believe? In our society, most people are generally civil and polite to each other (although I believe this is actually in decline). But that said, you don't really know what they are thinking, so why tell them? Even if you want to tell your mother and father, their reaction could go either way - unless you really do know otherwise. If you are not planning to visit them while en femme, then why do you want to tell them?
It is wonderful to be open with people, as in “I've got nothing to hide”. But if you go around telling everyone you are a crossdresser, you will eventually get into trouble with someone, as we know this is still controversial with some people. Also when you are out and about en femme, few people at the supermarket are bothering to ID you, much less develop a posture to take you down if you get “made”. People in our club have been at events where relatives (a brother, for example) sees them en femme but does not recognize them. The long hair, and particularly makeup, goes a long way in camouflaging your male self. I used to go out sans makeup and now I wonder why I did. Ditto on pantyhose here, it is well worth it to take the time to put them on. It brings a strong female influence, and most guys' faces (and legs) look totally washed out without it. And if you are like me, you want to bring some colour to your face to compliment all the colours you are wearing on your body. If you see a well made-up actress without her makeup sometime, you will see what I mean.
A further word on pantyhose, which I personally love. Sure it takes a little bit of finagling to get them on, but it is worth it. When I compared some of my own pics with and without pantyhose, there is no comparison. Even if you use nude shades, they will make you look much, much better. And you will get noticed in public, but in a good way.
My wife is OK with me crossdressing, but she is nervous about our neighbours seeing me crossdressed if I go to the car in the front street. So I always leave from the garage, so no sweat. Personally, I don't care if they see me dressed up, but to keep peace in the family, I acquiesce to her demand. If a neighbour sees me getting into our car, I would simply say “Oh yes, that was my sister visiting from Germany. Yes, she is quite tall” Ha ha. They do not need to know the truth, do they? In the end, they can believe whatever they want to. “Was he telling the truth? It kinda looked like him dressed as a woman. I wonder.” Why not let them enjoy the guessing game?
So, going back to my title “Don't Ask, Don't Tell”, there is no need to tell other people, even some that are close to you. I wouldn't ever have told my dear, departed mother and I'm not going to tell my sister (who doesn't live in Germany). We have had club members stopped by the local police (not for infractions but more like a wellness check) and they have been careful not to belittle or otherwise make our member uncomfortable. Same for me going into local Liquor Marts, where everybody must now show picture ID. Obviously, mine shows me as a guy. I've done it three times now en femme without any trouble.
Having said all this, I can now say that “our sisterhood” is a precious one. In our crossdressing club 'Masquerade', we discuss just about anything (ok, not much about sex) that our girls want to talk about. And our conversation is usually pretty free and easy. Why? Because we accept each other as sisters without any of the reservations which you would find amongst some others. It would be like going to the recent and annual Keystone Conference in the USA. There we are all sisters. Outside, be careful, and consider a policy of Don't Ask, Don't Tell, unless you are sure of your audience.
With love,
Fatima
For myself I was kinda forced to out myself to family and then the rest of the world. When I let my Ex find out she immediately told our grown kids, then threatened to tell my mother and my brothers. Shortly after I presented as Cassie in front of my kids much of the time. Then I proceeded to tell my brothers, sadly my mother passed before I told her. I never had any real push back from anyone, although one brother basically ignored my situation for a time.
My situation is different from many here, but is good to hear.
In Another situation about a month ago my Ex told me I should go to a multi level marketing program she is involved with. When I went and told them JoAnn said I should go someone asked if we were sisters. So apparently I 'pass ' in some cases as long as I don't out myself. OR in the times I am out with my granddaughter and she calls me grandpa.
Cassie
I agree that we do need careful about who we confide in, work and family can get toxic over much simpler things than crossdressing Like you my wife worries about these things more than I do but it is a legitimate concern.
I also very much appreciated you pointing out that this sisterhood doesn't talk all about sex, thank you all because I appreciate that very much. What drew me in to use this place to share is when I was reading forums they did not focus on the sex, or the bdsm or other things that are not always necessary to share. Of course some stories are just too good and with enough class anything can be said properly.
Hi Fatima.
Thank you for this article full of common sense and understanding. Our “hobby” as you put it is still not to everyone’s taste, so a certain amount of discretion is needed at times.
Hugs, Wendy ☺️
I still haven't told anyone and no one has asked
Outside of family, which went well it gave me confidence to come out to a work colleague. As I knew her well, her views and that I socialised with the family and had appeared at her fancy dress party as a very convincing western bar girl I told her about a year after. She was fine and she was a great supporter who, with my agreement told more. It was a defining moment in my progress. I was now out socially and expanding my horizons to achieve my ultimate goal.
Fatima
A very well written and thought out article. I have come out to four people in my years of enjoying our hobby, my wife and three friends. One friend watched our pets when we traveled and discovered my heels. She was of the alternative life style and liked I had an alternative persona from my typical masculine side. The other two were friends who were married. He dressed, but kept it a secret from her. We became involved with their issues when she threw him out of their house and he arrived at our door step. After several months of being intermediaries, my wife and I agreed I would come out to them hoping it would show them there are other men who dress and have a great marriage. They were not able to make amends and divorced. We lost contact with them shortly after that.
In recent years, I have slowly opened up about being a crossdresser. I purchased foundation at ULTA and told the sales rep I dress and want something natural. Growing up during the Don’t ask, Don’t tell era made it hard to open up about dressing. One hurdle that I have not over come is telling our children. Even thought they are all young adults, my wife still does not want me dressing in front of them. I’m hoping to one day attend a function like Keystone or Diva Las Vegas.
Davina
I am out socially to almost everyone I know, excluding a few distant ex coworkers and a few distant cousins. Doing so has allowed me to live full time as a woman, a truly lifechanging experience.
Hi Fatima,
For a long time, fear made me forget that my friendships date back decades. I came out first to just one male friend who thankfully reminded me of this. All of my friends are generous , loving and open minded. If we were to fall out we would have done it years ago. So now there's about a dozen folk, including my grown up daughters that know. People who come to my house and I to theirs , and share food, drink and laughter. I've still not been fully femme in front of them as in a fashion shoot , lol at my age will I ever? But I know I have their backing. There's maybe one or two who are a bit baffled, but they haven't backed off, they're the same friends.
By all means stay DADT. But it's not a one size fits all solution. You could tread the other route very carefully with trusted friends and loved ones- don't just think "oh why don't I do that." - It's a personal decision and it could go wrong for sure .
In the end it's your life, your decision .
Emma x
I just have one friend who knows I crossdress. My wife and I have had a "don't ask, don't tell" policy for many years, but I'm sure she suspects. Many hints have been dropped from both sides (ie; this morning she asked if I'd wear the dress a model on TV was wearing, I simply said "I don't have the cleavage to pull it off", or "I'm doing all the housework, and still you don't supply the maid uniform!"), but we just dance around it.
Hi Fatima. I came out to my kids over time. Two still live with me. I knew I was getting divorced, and told them partly because they would find my stuff when I am no longer around, and partly because I was still attending parties and leaving the home dressed. The two who live at home see me all the time anywhere from fully male to a man in woman's clothes to fully female; I'm still Dad to them. My other child I told but has not seen me.
As you say, I never had a need to tell my Mom so never did. I believe she would have accepted me. My Dad passed before I was dressing on any kind of regular basis. My 2 remaining siblings are also not on a need to know basis, and I don't plan on telling them. Mostly because I don't want the questions upon questions upon questions.
One brother lived with my Mom his whole life (he never married) and passed about 2 years later. We started going through the apartment after he passed, but then the COVID lockdowns occurred. After a few months we started going individually, and I used it as an opportunity to go en femme. The people I knew growing up were no longer there, so I was confident I wouldn't be recognized. I did end up taking some items from my Mom.
I really don't talk with my neighbors, so I don't care if they see me or not. But there was one person sort-of on my block who has seen me. And he was (before I retired) my boss's boss. It never did impact work, though.
Most of the time I'm out casually, either taking walks or shopping. In the late fall through early spring, it's tights. In the summer, it is to hot for pantyhose. Plus it gets expensive to do it every day since they don't last too long before they run. (I'd bet that's one reason women rarely wear them.) So I save pantyhose for special occasions or for in-between weather when tights would be too warm but it's too cool for bare legs.
Hi Fatima - Interesting and important topic! I certainly support your "needs to know" approach. As for me, I came out to my wife shortly after beginning to crossdress actively. It was an excellent decision, and so glad I never sold her understanding and support short. We have discussed at length coming out to our two adult children too. We decided - together - that they do not need to know. They do not live with us and will likely never come in contact with my alter ego. As it stands, we have decided it is our business - we do not question them about their private lives, so the same view holds for both them and us. Were they still young and living with us, it might be a different story. If they ever should find out for any reason, a matter of fact discussion would take place at that time rather than a "Sit down, I have something to tell you" dramatic scenario.
I am also retired which makes the workplace reveal a moot point for me. And no one else needs to know, including the neighbors. If they ever see me I am ready with the same explanation as you - "Oh, that was my sister from,..." 😆
Best,
Kris
Fatima, I tend to agree with your assertion that not everyone needs to know everything about our lives. I believe that we are all multi-faceted. And like the metaphorical diamond that represents, people only see the facets brilliance from their perspective location. There are people that know, and don't care. And there are people that would care a lot and don't know. And, of course, there are the many who are between those extremes. I tend towards the DADT side of the spectrum. I'm not trying to make a statement. I just want to live a life.
I was discovered by my wife when she came home early from a business trip a day early and there it was, since I had not expected her, I had not hidden my stash. Fortunately, unlike happens all too often, my wife decided that she didn't want to "break in another one" or throw away over 20 years together and decided that I could dress, but only in the privacy of our home. This worked for us for around 30 years, until her passing. Then, now widowed and retired, I no longer had any restraints except my own fears, and I started dressing more. A lot more. It wasn't long before I was using make up, polishing my nails, and venturing out of the house. It started to become a bit of a problem preventing my feminine life from spilling into my male life, My straight friends, who didn't know, come to visit frequently, it was hard sometimes to have all the nail polish and eye shadow removed, I couldn't wear sandals because my toe nails were polished. While I knew they saw the signs, and as I began to act more feminine, I'd catch myself sitting, moving, reacting in feminine ways, I stopped correcting myself. These are old southern red neck boys, they used to sit around my table and talk about how they used to bash "fags", pick on the gay boys, etc. The last type you'd expect to come out to. And it did take me awhile, until I finally got tired of hiding, or trying to, and one by one, I told them, and showed them pictures. Surprisingly, the worst reaction I got was that they couldn't understand, as friends, that I didn't think I could tell them before. Seriously. Well, duh. They, as many other people I've talked to, have no idea of the fear that we cross dressers experience throughout our lives, they have no idea of the impact of what they say, often offhand, has. They do now, their exposure to me has also been a life changing experience for them, a learning experience, and they are still my strongest friends. There's just no telling how some people will react. I started going Jennifer full time, went back home for Christmas after 5 years to see my brothers and sisters and introduce them to Jennifer. Everything went well, at our age, now with everyone before us gone, the bleeding edge, all we care about anymore is are we still alive and are we happy. All those fears, worrying, had been unwarranted. We always have a tendency to think the worst, Lord knows we have a right to, but as I've come out full time I've found that while yes, there will always be more horses asses than horses, for the most part, the greatest part, it's how we approach the subject. People outside our specific group are completely ignorant about the fear, shame, guilt, prejudice we have experienced throughout our entire lives. It's not their fault, they have no experiences to draw upon. It takes them awhile to process this new information, this entirely new experience. Most, short of knowing some "gay guy" or whatever, have never really dealt with this new situation. As I've ventured out to new places, sometimes with a trans friend, sometimes alone, often times we go into places where it's quickly obvious that no one like us has ever walked through the door before., I've found that if I go in feeling fearful and ashamed of who I am, that is the vibe picked up and returned. People like happy people, if I go in feeling happy, smile, even, especially, at 2nd looks, don't even think about how I look any more than if I had walked in drab, it's usually not long before curiosity takes over and usually a woman, or 2, will start a conversation. After awhile a male or 2 will feel secure enough, and before you know it I'm playing team pool or darts or otherwise having a good time. It's as much us as it is them, and the only way they will become accustomed to us is for us to be out there among them. As long as we fear, they feel that we must know that we're doing something wrong, I am not. Maybe in most cases, "Don't ask, don't tell" is appropriate, but I say, don't hide either. If they are FRIENDS, they will be happy for your happiness, if they are not, they were not really friends. How we dress does not change who we are inside, which, after the initial shock, is all that people see. If we let our light show through, people don't have to ask, they know, and when they see we are happy, they accept, and the burden of hiding, the fear of having our secret exposed, goes away. We are not mistakes, we are not some manifestation of evil, we are, and we deserve to be happy as much as anyone else. I've found that most people today, especially the younger, 40s and younger, are open and accepting. They don't understand why we hide. They just don't know. Perhaps it's our time, our generation, to teach them, and we don't go passing these same fears and shame on to future generations. Isn't that how it's supposed to work?
Hugs,
Jennifer
I think there is value in being open about these things, so long as it doesn't present any danger. There's a lot of misconceptions and fearmongering about cross-dressers and trans people out there, and the best way to counter it is by being out and open and showing the world that we're not the monsters others paint us as (this is the logic behind Pride events). So I think that if it's possible to come out to friends/family in a positive and safe way, we should at least consider it.
Thank you for your thoughtful article, Fatima. It resonated with me. My wife has known over 30 years; she understands but her boundary is she doesn't want to see me dressed. Fair enough; she never wants to ride on the back of my motorcycle either, but I appreciate her sticking with me and we have a good relationship. Not respecting her boundary would not end well.
I have not come out to extended family. As she and I discussed she mentioned various family members whose political and religious views make them hostile to CD and TG people. She feels the trend is worse the past ten years or so. I agree.
Likewise, I'm in male persona at work in a mostly male engineering business. I think some colleagues would be fine, but some of the higher-ups and clients are also highly conservative and my experience is they bring their political and religious views to the office. It shouldn't matter to them, but it does, and I think it could be to my detriment.
I like Fatima's closing phrase to be sure of the audience. That allows discretion for us to tell some as we think best.
Hi Fatima. I enjoyed your article very much. Reminds me to be careful on who I might reveal too especially now feeling increased confidence in my interest/hobby since I came out to my wife. I did spend some time recently out in the rear garden it’s relatively secluded so think i was not spotted but if neighbours do say like you i might say she was a friend visiting😘. I wholly agree with you on covering the legs look so much better be it pantyhose or stockings❤️Stephanie B
