Early Yearnings

Hi Everyone,

This is a short article concerning my first discovery of the feminine side of my nature and my early yearnings to be a girl. The attached avatar would have been just about my style all those years ago; rollneck sweater, pigtails and glasses. 

Since the age of eleven, I have always been aware of a desire to be a girl, preferring to play with them rather than with the other boys. Not that I didn't play with the other boys, it is just that I was not so rough and tumble and enjoyed skipping and ring dancing with my sister and her friends. In general, I was much more at home with a group of girls rather than boys. I didn't really think much of this at the time, it was just the way I was.

Early one evening as I remember, I had gone up to my room for one reason or another and on my way back to the top of the stairs, I had an overwhelming desire to go into my sister's room and try on one of her dresses. I can’t remember, but it is likely that I had had such urges before, but this is the first time I acted on it.   

The dress was typical of the times, the hem coming down to just above the knee and having short sleeves; just above the knee on my sister, although it must have looked much shorter on me. I can't remember the pattern, only that it was light in colour. I remember that I was wearing lightweight clothing and I don’t remember taking anything off, but at any rate, I had no trouble pulling the dress over my head. The feeling was indescribable as the dress fell into place, and I remember standing there entranced, looking down at it, and letting the realization sink in that I was wearing my sister’s dress and thinking how I was dressed like a girl. However, I soon came back to Earth and hurriedly pulled the dress back over my head, putting it back where I had found it. I don't know what would have happened if I had been caught wearing my sister's dress apart from, in those days, it would not have been pleasant. I don't remember trying on any of my sister's dresses again after that, aside from a vague memory, or feeling, that there were other occasions.

 All through my early teenage years, I dreamt of going to school wearing schoolgirls' uniform, sitting with the girls on their side of the class and playing on the school netball team. I often repeated in a whisper, "I want to be a girl! I want to be a girl!" The girls seemed to be part of a secret society, one of which I would have loved to have been a member. Of course, in those days it would not have done to speak of any of this.   

It is not that I wanted to still be a boy and become part of the girls’ group; what I wanted was to be a girl. I did not think of transitioning as I had never heard of that, at least not transitioning in the modern sense of the word. Just to be a girl was what I imagined, not that that was always on my mind.

As I got older and into my mid-teens I don't remember feeling this way and had become interested in girls in the way that most boys are. However, my friends still included boys and girls and we used to go around town and do things together in that way; I did go on a few dates and had girlfriends on and off.

The next time I remember any yearnings to be female was in my mid-twenties. This was not long after I moved to Canada and involves the scenario I have mentioned before. That being that I really wanted to be like Kate Jackson in 'Charlie's Angels'. There was also a young woman, around my age, employed in the front office of the construction equipment company where I worked, that impressed me. She had black, wavy hair that seemed to caress her shoulders and she always dressed so neatly. She was one of the girls that I would have loved to look and dress like.

At this time, as mentioned in previous articles, I was planning a journey across Canada to Southern Ontario and really wanted to do the journey as a young woman. In those days though I had no idea how to go about it and besides, society was a lot less tolerant about such things than the society we find ourselves in today.
All in all then, the general views of society and not having the opportunity to dress as a young woman, let alone tell people I wanted to be called Jill, combined to make doing the road trip to Southern Ontario as a young woman something that came to mind but not acted upon.

I never did make that trip as a young woman, however, I have since made several trips as an older one.

Lynne  Eden