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I’ve often felt it before I even open the closet. Not fear. Not shame. But something quieter, like a hand on my shoulder whispering, "This will end." Even as I pull on the tights, zip the skirt, or feel the familiar click of heels on the floor, there’s a shadow in the room. A tension. A subtle sadness.
I call it "Ending anxiety".
It’s the stress or emotional weight that comes not at the end of a crossdressing experience, but right at the start, or even before. It’s the awareness that this moment is temporary. That the lipstick will be wiped off, the perfume will fade, and soon I’ll have to put it all away. It’s not just the sadness of taking off the wig, it’s feeling that sadness already, even as you’re putting it on.
Ending anxiety isn’t fear that something will go wrong. And while it shares roots with existential anxiety, it’s something more immediate. It’s the ache of impermanence. The pain of knowing you will have to let go, even as you’re just beginning.
For those who crossdress, especially in private or constrained settings, this emotional undercurrent may even be a constant background hum of "how long do I have?". Whether it’s due to limited time, secrecy, or fear of being discovered, the experience is often bound by limits. These limits don’t just frame the experience, they creep into it, distort it, and sometimes smother the joy altogether. And your mind, trying to protect you, steps in too early and pulls you away before you’ve even had a chance to enjoy the moment.
When ending anxiety gets too loud
The tension may become more than just a passing feeling. It can quietly start shaping behavior in ways that undercut the experience itself. Ending anxiety can lead you to cut corners on the experience, not because you don’t want it, but because the emotional cost feels too high.
"Why put on makeup if I have to take it off in 20 minutes?"
"Why wear the wig if I’m just going to feel sad when I take it off?"
You start to compromise joy in advance to avoid sadness later. But what’s left is a hollowed-out version of the experience. A half-lived moment where self-expression is filtered, diluted, or skipped entirely. You end up feeling disconnected, unsatisfied, and even more disheartened afterward. The pain you were trying to avoid finds you anyway.
At its most intense, ending anxiety could even trigger purging, the emotional, often impulsive act of throwing away clothes, makeup, wigs, and anything else tied to crossdressing. It’s not just about guilt or shame. Sometimes, purging is an attempt to escape the cycle of joy and grief entirely. The mind says, if this keeps hurting, maybe I need to stop doing it altogether. So you purge to end the inner conflict, to "clean the slate," to feel control.
But the desire doesn’t leave. And when it returns, it’s often layered with more complexity - shame about the purge, regret for what was lost, fear of re-entering the cycle. Ending anxiety doesn’t just haunt the moment, it can reshape your entire relationship to crossdressing.
Ending the anxiety
I’ve tried different ways to soften the sharp edge of ending anxiety. These aren’t fixes, but they’ve helped me meet the feeling with more clarity and kindness:
1. Naming it
Simply naming it, "Ah, this is ending anxiety", gives me space to breathe. It’s not weakness. It’s not overthinking. It’s a natural, human response to something beautiful and temporary. When I start rushing or hesitating before dressing, I pause and ask, "What am I actually feeling right now?" The answer is usually, I don’t want it to end. And that’s okay.
2. Mindfulness in the moment
Mindfulness means slowing down and letting yourself be fully present, even in small ways. Instead of racing the clock, I try to slow time internally. The brushstroke of mascara. The tug of fabric. The way earrings feel against my skin. These details become small rituals that allow me to embrace the experience.
3. Creating an ending ritual
An ending ritual helps the experience close gently, instead of crashing into reality. Instead of ripping it all off in a flurry of regret, I try to end with intention. I fold clothes gently. I wipe off makeup slowly. If you keep a journal, write a sentence about what the experience meant, even as simple as "Today, I saw myself". It makes the end feel less like loss and more like closure.
4. Reframing the experience
I remind myself, it ends because it exists. The very impermanence that hurts is also what gives the moment meaning. What begins must end, and that makes it sacred. I tell myself, "This wasn’t lost time. It was lived time." It helps me feel grateful, not robbed.
Final thoughts
Crossdressing isn’t just about appearance. It’s about identity, freedom, intimacy with the self. But like all intimate things, it can carry pain. Ending anxiety doesn’t mean that the experience is broken, it means that it matters. And when something matters, it’s okay to feel a little scared to lose it.
If the thought of losing it hurts, that’s not failure. That’s a sign, that you touched something true. And truth, even when brief, is always worth it.
Did you ever experience ending anxiety? How did you handle it?
What a wonderful honest article,thanks for sharing. I can relate to so much you say. Me personally after years of anxiety have just accepting my alter life being and feeling as feminine as possible. I do feel much more okay with my CD life and lifestyle now.It was a hard but great journey to just accept this side of me...now I smile more often.Thanks again for sharing!
~Alexis
Nora, I love your suggestions because they help us recognize what we are doing and why! And, especially when dealing with strong emotions, sometimes just acknowledging what they are helps us deal with them.
I'm definitely a follower of the ending ritual. Things are carefully removed and put back in their bag, box, etc. Each thing has a place in storage. And, per a previous thread, I do this an hour before any expected interruption so I can not be rushed and get it right, so to say.
By the way, the best line for me was your comment about what crossdressing means. Identity, freedom, and intimacy with self. Those three things are what brings me back, time after time.
And always, thanks for sharing!
A beautifully written article Nora which explains in a nutshell why I don't dress at all at the moment. Maybe there will come a time when that changes.
Hugs, Chrissie xx.
@chrisfp99 I'm very sorry to hear you don't dress at all because of this. I hope you'll find the strength to overcome it.
Did you ever experience ending anxiety?
Not that I am aware of it. Luckily, my life has been pretty low-stress.
How did you handle it?
My style of crossdressing doesn't allow this kind of anxiety. I wear 100% women's clothing 100% of the time and, so far, I haven't dealt with make-up and wigs, so the only end ritual is just taking off my clothes at the end of the day.
My clothes are just my clothes. I like to think that they are nice clothes, though.
@harriette so you never really start and end it, the experience is your life. That's nice, I'm glad you don't feel the anxiety this way.
Welcome to CDH, Nora Lisa!
How well did your adult son take learning about your crossdressing?
Admins: I don't understand why clicking on Nora's ID, at the top as a Guest, does nothing while clicking on a post lower down as a Duchess takes me to her profile. On top of that it still shows that she had only one post when there are more. Weird.
@harriette there is a glitch on the forum which is causing to display me as a new member. The CDH team is aware of this, but is not able to fix it at this time.
My son was proud of me for coming out. After that we did not talk about it anymore. I agreed with my wife we would not involve him anymore (I shouldn't have in the first place, without having talked about it with my wife). Maybe someday. He has other things to worry about as a teenager.
I so agree with your four recommendations for handling “the end”. I would add that, if you are expecting a hard or sudden end, then plan for it and give yourself time to change back gracefully. Practicing mindfulness afterwards can help you recover, there is an excellent app from the US department of veteran affairs called Mindfulness Coach that I use.
I believe you 'hit the nail on the head' by realizing that the euphoria is temporary. It is something you experience. True joy, or a sense of meaning and purpose, comes from what we take and internalize from our experiences. Do you feel like you are a better person as a result of experiencing. Now I know 'better' is highly subjective. But does the experience of gender variation make you kinder, more forgiving, more considerate and charitable.
Not confined to those who must "disappear" after a deadline. I often go 24/7 for weeks at a time, and, after church, brunch, and a movie, and with the prospect of waking up Monday and continuing en femme, I still feel pretty and just don't want the day to end. That's where I came up with train riding. I just sit there reveling for an hour or two, and by the time I finally get back to the station where I parked my car, I've gently resigned myself that this has been enough; I'm ready to end the day...
For me, the anxiety came in cycles. Sometimes, it resulted in me stopping for some period of time but I have always come back. After a while, it was replaced with anxiety when I went back to drab. This was when I began to understand who I really am and I started to address the issue.
@lauren114 anxiety doesn't have to be a bad thing, it can be a trigger to ask yourself questions. It helped me realize I'm looking for acceptance, by myself and by others. To feel the recognition that this is part of who I am.
@noralisa That was certainly true in my case. When I had anxiety returning to drab, I started asking myself some serious questions about my gender which led me to where I am today.
Hello Nora..what you write is so true.. for me.. the constant fear of being 'discovered'.. as I've told noone.. and keep it to myself. Today.. on advice fromChaptGTP - of all things - I joined crossdressingheaven.. and immediately felt better.. am happily sitting here - dressed to the nines.. with heels.. and enjoying the evening.. and my next steps are to learn more about makeup, hair and generally get myself to the edge of my first public femme experience removed link with.. i hope like-minded girls. I think that will help me bravely move forwards .. and eventually confide in family removed link but at 69 and 1m92.. (more in heels!).. this is still a huge step forwards. I hope to achieve my dream at the Antwerp Pride.. later this year Love.. FemmeE
@femmeselegance hello FemmeE and welcome to CDH (and a big thank you to ChatGPT for referring you to here! 😉).
You'll see there are many older ladies like you on this forum.
Even though I'm out to my wife, the fear of discovery is still on my mind too, so I understand what you feel.
I hope you'll find our support helpful in achieving your goals.
@noralisa Hi NoraLisa.. yes.. with help from the girls/ladies here... I'll take ownership of myself..just want to happy inside me...Love FemmeE
I felt that for a long,long time.It is why I dress everyday now and fulltime fat girl.Well try as much as I can be.I am happy where I am now.Going further I am not sure about.It really is odd.The more weight I have gained the more comfortable and confident I have become.Makes no sense at all.
Thank you Nora for a wonderfully considered, thoughtful and life affirming post ❤️
great read thank you for sharing!
Thank you Nora. I can relate to this. When I was dressing at home with not intent to go out or no idea when I'd get to do it again I felt this exact same way. What changed for me was starting to go out and joining a CD group where we have scheduled outings. Now I know that this will not be my last time and I already know when my next time is planned. The ending anxiety that I used to feel is completely gone. I am sad when my weekend of dressing and going out comes to an end but I am able to look ahead anticipating my next time out.
@mkat3874 sometimes I know when my next opportunity is, but even then I still feel the anxiety. Maybe it is because I must end the experience rather than I'm choosing to end it.
I agree wholeheartedly! I reached a place where I needed a reason or “mission”. The dressing up was fun until I was finished and all I could do was stare in the mirror for a few minutes…then undo everything and feel sad and unfulfilled. I just started “going out” to group events. Last night I spent a few hours “practicing” for a future event. That seemed to dull the bad feelings of ending my session. Taking photos has also helped me. Great post Nora! Thank you!!
An excellent and thought provoking article. How true "How long have I got"! Now that I am back living at home with both my wife and I retired opportunities to dress are few and far between. And of course when my wife goes out and I have the opportunity to dress the question always is "how long have I got". This puts a damper on the thrill and pleasure of dressing fully and presenting as a female often with minimal make up (for obvious reasons!) When I lived away from home and on my own in our apartment dressing and going out did not have limitations. And the frustration of not knowing when I can dress again is quite depressing.
THIS! "How long have I got?" That is definitely a key element in sucking out the joy before it even begins. I appreciated the suggestion on have an "undressing ritual" though - I think the mental state afterwards is much better when it happens deliberately and gradually instead of in a panic...
Hello Nora and welcome to this wonderful site. Such a thoughtful introduction.
It is probably understood about the fleeting chances to dress and that anxiety you feel. So many can only enjoy those brief moments, your thoughts on how to slow time and maximise the feelings of the moment to draw out the fullest benefit makes good sense.
To start with anxiety of the fact this is a fleeting moment to end quickly can be seen in another way. As you end the moment feel the happiness of it as it has happened but then turn the frown upside down knowing that it will happen again, the clothes all neatly packed await your return. Remind yourself of the time you dress and mentally 'feel' the clothes and image you create. It hasn't gone away, relive that joy and when it happens again it will be a more joyous event.
Have a lovely time here.
@ab123 it seems something is wrong on the forum, because it shows I just joined as a member. I've been here for a while already. Nonetheless, thank you for welcoming me. ❤️
Insightful article , I too used to rush things being stressed that I would be discovered . I have learned to slow down and enjoy . When it is time to put things away I always continue to wear an item of clothing or makeup so that my fem self is always with me .
Jeanette
@fashionforever so in a way, you never end it completely. Interesting, I've never tried that, thank you for sharing your experience.
This is a beautifully written article! I think i speak for all of us here that the worst part of dressing up is taking it all off in the end. I also like to ritualize the end as well, every part of my time as Chloe is sacred, even when she has to go away. It helps be get excited for next time!
Wow Nora - this is a beautifully written (nay, crafted) article. It resonates so much with me, and I'm sure it does with many here.
It often feels like there is little point dressing when it all has to be taken down again in a short time....and you are right, it sometimes feels painful to start, knowing it will end so soon (always too soon)
I had never really stopped to think about why it feels this way, and hadn't named the situation - but you've really made me think differently now....It will certainly change the way I think about the brief times I do get, and how I frame these opportunities in my mind.
I especially liked the idea of an ending ritual, and I do tend to do that when I get a longer opportunity, as I don't want it to end, so I savour it, putting things away carefully, taking my make up off and tidying the whole Jenny persona away slowly (which does come with sadness, I can't deny that) .... I guess there is no harm in doing the same for the brief, often hurried times - just slow it all down and enjoy the ending process too, and factor that into the time available.
Thank you for such sweet enlightenment, you've really given me food for thought here.
Hugs
Jen x
@jennyphose I had the same, I just didn't realize what it was, by dreading the end I was unconsciously sabotaging myself. Writing it down and giving it a name helped me enormously. I'm glad this helped you too.
Omg I totally relate to this article! I hate getting out of gurl mode! 😭
Hope one day to attend a CD retreat for a makeover and extended gurl time
Very interesting article. I have experienced the same. For me, I realized that I wasn't being honest with myself as to my true identity as a woman or others for that matter.
I have embarked on medically transitioning with hormones under the guidance of doctors.
I also have a counselor to help me navigate my true self.
I am not completely out, but my wife and some other females know.
Somehow I feel like I opened a Pandora's box of sorts in that I want to fully transition to be " me", but the anxiety of ridicule and being shamed can be extremely overwhelming.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts and insights.
Hugs,
Vanessa
Lovely article and it gets into the different sadness so many of us feel.
For me it's the ending sadness which is the most difficult. After dressing up and looking nice, and for me it's almost always after I've been out.
I take it slow, and usually stay in my lingerie for as long as I can, I put my dress and shoes away, remove my makeup and sometimes just sit for a few minutes. Then I finally start to take my pantyhose or stockings off, bra, breast forms, etc, till I put my boy clothes on once again.
The after effects are sometimes just a deep sadness, other times I'm more euphoric as I've been able to be Amy. That is actually the odd thing, as sometimes I'm sad, sometimes not and I don't understand why.
Then I start looking forward to when I'm able to dress again, and hopefully go out!
Hi Nora, thanks for sharing your well expressed thoughts. Not bad for a Dutch girl...😉Having few occasions to transform into my better self, and usually in some rush, a degree of anxiety always comes into play. These last weeks I dress less for that reason. On the bright side: talking to you ladies is a good alternative way to express my femininity, thank you all for that. x Astrid
Great description what I have gone through time and time again. I like the way you define it, and the feelings that go with it.
Intreasting prospective, Nora!
I've had that feeling after being enfem for four days. It was my very first event last year. The Atlanta Confort Conference. I was so in awe seeing girls like me there.
Then having to go home and be alone with my girly self. Having no girls like me around to hangout with.
This hobby of ours can be a lonely one. With many dry days and nights.
But there's tomorrow!
Fran 🥰
