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Hi Everyone! First of all, this is not a rant, but merely how I feel. The feelings have been getting stronger and stronger. No Doubt, many others will feel like this too. I feel like a caged animal! I hear you say "Yes Fiona, I know how you feel."
I dream of stepping outside, dressed en femme, confident, without a care in the world, and then I come down to earth with a huge bump! I realise that I haven't got the courage. I then start to feel introverted and unhappy. The more I think about it, the worse the situation becomes. I just know I'll never get my butt out that darned door!
So why the lack of confidence? Anyone who has read my posts and gotten to know me might think I'm supremely confident. Well, I'm not! I'm more like a shrinking violet! By nature, I'm a timid soul, wouldn't say boo to a goose! Let me explain....
As I mentioned in an older article, my parents were not very nice. My father was a serial adulterer, out seeing other women and coming home in the early hours of the morning. My mother waiting for him to come home, and then a massive argument ensued. Things were thrown, voices raised, all when I was six years old. I couldn't sleep at night; I used to hide under the covers shaking, trying to dull the noise a bit.
My teachers were getting concerned as I went to school with black rings around my eyes due to the lack of sleep; I used to fall asleep in class. My mother was particularly violent; she used to beat me with a high heel shoe or even a wooden spoon when she got angry. I remember one time when I broke a flower pot and my mother retaliated by systematically smashing each of my toys in front of me with a hammer.
I was always a quiet member of the class, perhaps too quiet—intensely shy and introverted. I hated being around people, preferring my own company. I developed a big mistrust in people. I was scared, frightened and alone. As if I didn't have enough to put up with at home, my schooldays were even worse. My first school was an all boys where I was bullied terribly, kicked, beaten, and abused. The teachers weren't much better, singling me out because of my poor handwriting, which wasn't my fault. It was the result of a brain injury I received at school, slipping on the ice and knocking myself unconscious.
When I came to, I could not write very well and had trouble talking and understanding others. I wasn't taken to a hospital because back in the day, the teachers weren't as aware of the signs and my parents didn't care. It took me six months to recover, although my handwriting has never got better! The teachers used to cane and slipper me for fun. I went to two other secondary schools, owing to my mother moving around. I had to make new friends each time, and I was bullied severely in each school, though the teachers were ok.
I finally left school at age 16 and went to college to learn electronics; I was there three years, got my qualifications and went to work for my father, who had a radio and TV repair business. We moved the business to Manchester's infamous Moss Side. I saw many things there; I will not bother mentioning them here as they are too violent in nature. It was the scariest 15 years of my life! I finally left to find alternative work, doing a stint at a local radio station, presenting and dj'ing which is a passion of mine. I left there to work for a hardware store selling work clothes and tools; the boss was mean and I found myself being castigated at every available opportunity, blamed for things I hadn't done. The workload increased 500% and after four years, I had a complete nervous breakdown. I've been at my present job for 11 years and am happy; work is hard, but manageable.
All this has left me with very low self esteem and confidence. I find myself wanting constant reassurance to make sure people are happy with me and I'm doing it right. I'm not a good mixer, but I'm one of the easiest people to get along with. I still prefer my own company, but people on Crossdresser Heaven see another side of me, the side of me that screams to be let out, the chatty, loving side of me that was buried deep inside, but has always been there. I have never hurt anyone in my life; all I ask for is love. It is true to say CDH has given me more confidence to open up to people, something I've always battled with all my life. I now have a purpose, to make people happy and to feel loved and wanted. But that is not going outdoors! I need to meet people in the real world; to share my journey and hopefully one day get out of that door and enjoy the great outdoors dressed how I love, as a 16 yr old girl. I am getting stronger, I know it, but there is a long way to go. My three months here can't be compared to 40+ years of suffering.
Now girls, I hope that I've not scared you too much. I am a real person, not a robot; I do have feelings just like everyone else here. I bear no malice to my past; I only have good intentions for everyone here. For once in my life, I am able to express true love and support for everyone without feeling closed-in. This article may seem a bit choppy in places, but some of you will sadly be able to relate to it. I've really had my ups and downs, but it is all part of life's experiences.
Fiona, is my release from it all; she makes things alright for me, gives me hope and security. She allows me to look at life from a more positive perspective, to know there is love out there in this big wide world. It's not all doom and gloom; it's about having fun, being able to laugh and find enjoyment. As a man, I am not confident. As Fiona, I am! If I could only step outdoors as Fiona, my world would be complete.
Love and kisses, Fiona xxxx
Hi Fiona thanks for sharing your story with us xxxxx I can't compare my life with yours i have not suffered the way you have, but just like you I'm afraid of coming out of the closet and showing the world my true self, I'm married and still my wife doesn't know about my crossdressing, I've been crossdressing most of my life since i was about 8 or 9 years old, hugs for now Rozalyne x
Fee, thank you for writing your article. I think I understand that feeling you talk of with Fiona being your release. When I am expressing myself as Michelle, I feel more confident, happier, and relaxed than I do in my male mode. And I hear you about finding away to step outside as Michelle. I am glad you are here with us all and happier to be able to call you a friend.
Hugs,
Michelle
Fiona,
I feel for you. What you had to endure during your childhood and teen years was terrible, and it is a wonder how people with similar backgrounds can overcome and turn into better human beings than those who were around them and making them subject of such abuse.
Needless to say, at least now, here, you are safe. And I hope that safety will be the starting point for you to be able to put together the pieces until you can feel fully complete. Just try your best to include those around you in life in the process, so your bonds can become stronger.
*hugs*
Gaby
Hi Gaby, i suppose it is a wonder, and purely down to the individual. I never want to see anyone going through what i did, and i could never inflict pain and misery like that to a fellow human being. Strangely enough, for me, it has made me think more about others, especially as there are people enduring far worse than i did. It does give me comfort to know i'm in a caring, friendly environment here as i am naturally a passive person, i dont do macho or anything like that! thankyou for being a good friend 🙂
Fiona xxx
Hi Gaby, i suppose it is a wonder, and purely down to the individual. I never want to see anyone going through what i did, and i could never inflict pain and misery like that to a fellow human being. Strangely enough, for me, it has made me think more about others, especially as there are people enduring far worse than i did. It does give me comfort to know i'm in a caring, friendly environment here as i am naturally a passive person, i dont do macho or anything like that! thankyou for being a good friend 🙂
Fiona xxx
Fiona,
I feel for you. What you had to endure during your childhood and teen years was terrible, and it is a wonder how people with similar backgrounds can overcome and turn into better human beings than those who were around them and making them subject of such abuse.
Needless to say, at least now, here, you are safe. And I hope that safety will be the starting point for you to be able to put together the pieces until you can feel fully complete. Just try your best to include those around you in life in the process, so your bonds can become stronger.
*hugs*
Gaby
I don't think any words here can really express how much we support you nor change the life you had to endure. you are amongst supportive friends here. in all of the internet this is one of the nicest places to be. I"m purging some toxic, racist, or otherwise ugly FB / RW friends right now. Its ok to get rid of people from your life who hurt you, or to otherwise change your circumstances so you feel safe, whole, at ease. I know when en femme it allows me to escape certain male emotional bonditudes and imposed boundaries... but they carry back to the M side and folks who know me say I"m a happier and more upbeat person than I was a couple years ago. giving up booze was certainly another factor which I'd used to release my mental boundaries to explore Alicia and her needs rather than accepting all the parts of me. people are complicated and thats ok. accepting yourself is hard because we have all sorts of previous experiences and societal expectations which can be hard to overcome. persevere and you'll come to find a happy place because its your life, and you deserve to be happy. HUGS
##Yeah, I remember bullying boarding school in my case, Yeah, it's corrosive. I've only once got out once en femme, took a lot of gin and a dark night. Worth the cold feel on nyloned legs... Toodle, Nicola, another northern lass.
##Yeah, I remember bullying boarding school in my case, Yeah, it's corrosive. I've only once got out once en femme, took a lot of gin and a dark night. Worth the cold feel on nyloned legs... Toodle, Nicola, another northern lass.
Hi Alicia, just being here with supportive members, like yourself makes things easier to get along with. Sometimes, i think, people may forget, that even Ambassadors need support sometimes!! we are not infallible 🙂 . Time is a healer and with time comes knowledge and experience. You start to slowly gain a little more trust in people (although i am still wary) and try to move on. Thankyou so much for your kind comments Alicia, it makes me feel more positive inside, that people really do actually care!
Fiona xxx
Hi Alicia, just being here with supportive members, like yourself makes things easier to get along with. Sometimes, i think, people may forget, that even Ambassadors need support sometimes!! we are not infallible 🙂 . Time is a healer and with time comes knowledge and experience. You start to slowly gain a little more trust in people (although i am still wary) and try to move on. Thankyou so much for your kind comments Alicia, it makes me feel more positive inside, that people really do actually care!
Fiona xxx
I don't think any words here can really express how much we support you nor change the life you had to endure. you are amongst supportive friends here. in all of the internet this is one of the nicest places to be. I"m purging some toxic, racist, or otherwise ugly FB / RW friends right now. Its ok to get rid of people from your life who hurt you, or to otherwise change your circumstances so you feel safe, whole, at ease. I know when en femme it allows me to escape certain male emotional bonditudes and imposed boundaries... but they carry back to the M side and folks who know me say I"m a happier and more upbeat person than I was a couple years ago. giving up booze was certainly another factor which I'd used to release my mental boundaries to explore Alicia and her needs rather than accepting all the parts of me. people are complicated and thats ok. accepting yourself is hard because we have all sorts of previous experiences and societal expectations which can be hard to overcome. persevere and you'll come to find a happy place because its your life, and you deserve to be happy. HUGS
Hey Fee - Thank you for sharing your story. It is heartbreaking to hear about the abuse you suffered as a child and must carry with you every day. Please know that you are a member of a loving and supportive community. We are here for you, girlfriend. Although I've only been a member here for about as long as you have, you have impressed me as an extremely kind and loving person, as well as someone who likes to be creative and have fun. I love the conversations you start with your various questionnaires and other postings. I hope that light inside of your continues to grow brighter, until is outshines all the darkness of your past. You deserve nothing less, my dear Fiona. Big hugs, Mona.
Awww thankyou so much mona 🙂 . I really didnt want this article to sound like a 'please feel sorry for me' kind of thing. I have to deal with it in my own little way, sometimes, i admit, it can be a bit wobbly, but i have learned to cope. Having said that, if it wasnt for the members here supporting me and my issues, i probably would not be as confident as i feel now. Dont take that wrongly, i'm not saying i'm super confident, just more confident than i was, which is not huge, but better than before!! Nothing more gives me pleasure than to brighten someones day up, or just simply make them smile. Geez, what can i say? i love you all lol! dont start making me cry! i get too emotional sometimes.
Fiona xxx
Awww thankyou so much mona 🙂 . I really didnt want this article to sound like a 'please feel sorry for me' kind of thing. I have to deal with it in my own little way, sometimes, i admit, it can be a bit wobbly, but i have learned to cope. Having said that, if it wasnt for the members here supporting me and my issues, i probably would not be as confident as i feel now. Dont take that wrongly, i'm not saying i'm super confident, just more confident than i was, which is not huge, but better than before!! Nothing more gives me pleasure than to brighten someones day up, or just simply make them smile. Geez, what can i say? i love you all lol! dont start making me cry! i get too emotional sometimes.
Fiona xxx
Hey Fee - Thank you for sharing your story. It is heartbreaking to hear about the abuse you suffered as a child and must carry with you every day. Please know that you are a member of a loving and supportive community. We are here for you, girlfriend. Although I've only been a member here for about as long as you have, you have impressed me as an extremely kind and loving person, as well as someone who likes to be creative and have fun. I love the conversations you start with your various questionnaires and other postings. I hope that light inside of your continues to grow brighter, until is outshines all the darkness of your past. You deserve nothing less, my dear Fiona. Big hugs, Mona.
Fi,
It is heart-rending to see how some parents treat their children. My parents weren't perfect by any means, but I never experienced anything even close to what you did. I was (and to a large extent still am) introverted and paralyzingly shy, so I didn't and don't make close friends easily. But like Fiona has helped you , Cyn has helped me to break out of that shell a bit. I hope you follow a similar arc that I did after joining CDH back in summer 2015. I went from never having left the house to driving while dressed to telling family and a few friends to going through a drivethru to meeting Codille at a museum to attending conferences to flying cross country in full Cyn mode. I'm still excited about wherever my future path will take me though also fearful. But I am more myself now than I've ever been and in my mind that's a good thing! Thank you for sharing Fi and I'm excited to see where Fi goes next!
Love,
Cyn
Hi Cyn, Fi moves slowly but surely! she doesnt rush, she likes to see things objectively and purposeful! i'm sure things will get better, my biggest step forward would be to go out and enjoy the great outdoors, being who i really am, not wishing and wanting. In the last 6 months that i have been here, CDH and its members have given me more hope and confidence than i would ever believe could be possible. Thanks for your kind reply Cyn xx
Fiona xxx
Hi Cyn, Fi moves slowly but surely! she doesnt rush, she likes to see things objectively and purposeful! i'm sure things will get better, my biggest step forward would be to go out and enjoy the great outdoors, being who i really am, not wishing and wanting. In the last 6 months that i have been here, CDH and its members have given me more hope and confidence than i would ever believe could be possible. Thanks for your kind reply Cyn xx
Fiona xxx
Fi,
It is heart-rending to see how some parents treat their children. My parents weren't perfect by any means, but I never experienced anything even close to what you did. I was (and to a large extent still am) introverted and paralyzingly shy, so I didn't and don't make close friends easily. But like Fiona has helped you , Cyn has helped me to break out of that shell a bit. I hope you follow a similar arc that I did after joining CDH back in summer 2015. I went from never having left the house to driving while dressed to telling family and a few friends to going through a drivethru to meeting Codille at a museum to attending conferences to flying cross country in full Cyn mode. I'm still excited about wherever my future path will take me though also fearful. But I am more myself now than I've ever been and in my mind that's a good thing! Thank you for sharing Fi and I'm excited to see where Fi goes next!
Love,
Cyn
Goodness sake, Fiona, I had no idea. I am so sorry to learn that your childhood was not a happy one. I grew up in a poor but loving and close-knit family, with little adversity. My parents were nurturing and understanding, so I can’t even imagine growing up in a violent and unforgiving environment as you did. (However, I was bullied in grade school, as you were; in my case, mostly because of my small stature.)
I am happy, however, that at CDH you display none of the low self-esteem and lack of confidence you describe in your male self. Please continue to be the Fiona at CDH that we all know and love.
As to feeling like a caged animal, I can sympathize to a certain extent. Prior to joining CDH I was a closeted xdresser, and still am. But what CDH has done was put crazy ideas into my head. Such as actually believing that one day I might gin up the courage to step out in public with one or more like-minded sisters-en-femme. But that’s a long way off, if it ever happens at all.
But I will stand on the sidelines and exuberantly cheer you on if you decide to finally step outside as Fiona! Then I’ll be very, very jealous indeed.
XOXO
Camryn Occasionnel
Hi Camryn, i'm sorry to have suprised you so much. Regarding the low self esteem, i'm fairly good at hiding it, plus if you met me, it would probably be a different story, i'm painfully shy almost reclusive, its easy tapping away on a keyboard, but meeting someone in real life is a whole different story! However, despite everything that has happened, i care, i really do, and i try to do my very best for everyone here, i'm highly emotional and i usually end up in tears with nice comments like these, not because i'm sad, but because i have trouble believing that people do actually care because i have been so used to people not caring, i know that sounds crazy. Thankyou so much Camryn, your comments really blew me away! 🙂
Fiona xxx
Hi Camryn, i'm sorry to have suprised you so much. Regarding the low self esteem, i'm fairly good at hiding it, plus if you met me, it would probably be a different story, i'm painfully shy almost reclusive, its easy tapping away on a keyboard, but meeting someone in real life is a whole different story! However, despite everything that has happened, i care, i really do, and i try to do my very best for everyone here, i'm highly emotional and i usually end up in tears with nice comments like these, not because i'm sad, but because i have trouble believing that people do actually care because i have been so used to people not caring, i know that sounds crazy. Thankyou so much Camryn, your comments really blew me away! 🙂
Fiona xxx
Goodness sake, Fiona, I had no idea. I am so sorry to learn that your childhood was not a happy one. I grew up in a poor but loving and close-knit family, with little adversity. My parents were nurturing and understanding, so I can’t even imagine growing up in a violent and unforgiving environment as you did. (However, I was bullied in grade school, as you were; in my case, mostly because of my small stature.)
I am happy, however, that at CDH you display none of the low self-esteem and lack of confidence you describe in your male self. Please continue to be the Fiona at CDH that we all know and love.
As to feeling like a caged animal, I can sympathize to a certain extent. Prior to joining CDH I was a closeted xdresser, and still am. But what CDH has done was put crazy ideas into my head. Such as actually believing that one day I might gin up the courage to step out in public with one or more like-minded sisters-en-femme. But that’s a long way off, if it ever happens at all.
But I will stand on the sidelines and exuberantly cheer you on if you decide to finally step outside as Fiona! Then I’ll be very, very jealous indeed.
XOXO
Camryn Occasionnel
Great story Fiona.......childhood can be very tough. You have been thru the wringer.......but came from the ugly duckling..........A Most BEAUTIUL Swan!!!!!!!!! Proud to know you, sweetie!
Dame Veronica
Veronica, i really need to get the hankies out, you girls are so lovely, i am lost for words, other than, omg! i feel honoured and privileged to know you all. 🙂
Fiona xxx
Veronica, i really need to get the hankies out, you girls are so lovely, i am lost for words, other than, omg! i feel honoured and privileged to know you all. 🙂
Fiona xxx
Great story Fiona.......childhood can be very tough. You have been thru the wringer.......but came from the ugly duckling..........A Most BEAUTIUL Swan!!!!!!!!! Proud to know you, sweetie!
Dame Veronica
