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Don’t let it pass you by, give your femme side some freedom.
As I sit here, I’m thinking of a good friend who is fighting for his life right now. There are all the things he won’t get done. The beloved sports car, which I helped him repair a few years ago, but was put on hold due to other family reasons, might not get finished at all.
Then there are the hundreds of thousands who’ve died recently from this terrible virus, plus all the other maladies humans suffer from. All those folks, who were going about living their lives, making plans for the future, had to put them on hold while trying to make it through today, and now they might not be able to carry on.
A few lines from songs I remember come to mind:
The late Jim Croce’s song, Time in a Bottle, written about his new son. The lines, “But there never seems to be enough time, to do the things you want to do, once you find them.” is surely true. Sadly, for Jim Croce, too prophetic as he died in a plane crash when his son was incredibly young.
Then there’s John Lennon’s words, “Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans”, and Art Garfunkel’s song “Slip Slidin' away.” I’m sure you can think of many others. Some are clichés’ to describe how fleeting life can be, but when you’re in the midst of everything, it seems like it will go on forever, but it doesn’t!
I’ve reached a fairly happy place after many years of hard work and uncertainty, but I don’t know how long it will last. Recently, I’ve had a birthday, which might suggest I’m now pushing closer to 70. Zowie. I still want to think that senior citizen might be my Dad we’re talking about.
Where I’m going with all of these sad thoughts is how it relates to us here on CDH. I’ve said this before; here we are all the same but also all so different. We have this sometimes irrational love for women’s clothing, and it can cause us so much distress that we often go into denial or repression about it. Often this is simply a way to deal with the pressures it puts on our outside lives and the turmoil inside us when we’ve been conditioned to think that this is wrong and so bad.
However, it never really seems to go away. “She” returns, and we give in. Since I’m borrowing phrases, I’ll use that Biblical expression, “The flesh is weak,” and for me, it certainly is! I’ve never been what you’d call a tough guy, although I can be very determined, but that’s not what I’m talking about. I find it has always been too easy to give into those urges.
I’ve established a high degree of acceptance of my feminine self and have found ways to let her live a bit. Now she has somewhat a life of her own and being here with you other lovely ladies is part of that life. Though I speak of her as if she is an entirely different entity, I accept her as a part of me. She is with me everywhere I go.
Make no mistake, I am still somewhat closeted, and I’m no longer ashamed of this part of me. The circle of those in the know about Amy is slowly and steadily widening. Some might call it fear, lack of courage, or not wanting to upset others in my life, but it is all of the above which keeps me like this.
That being said, I’ve come to a reasonable, compromise in my life. I have a balance between my male and female sides, so both have their moments in the sun, which they need to have. Of course, I’d like to dress more often than I do, so many of us feel the same way, but finding a compromise with your regular life, that allows your feminine side some freedom, just might lead to a greater degree of peace within your life.
Some of you are perhaps living as a woman 24/7, which is wonderful, and I truly admire your courage and determination. I don’t think that is my path. Which matters not a whit as my path is mine alone, even though it may run parallel to yours for a time.
My thoughts and prayers for you dear reader is that you can find a way to achieve some kind of balance between the male and female parts of you. That you may find a way to let her out of her cage, and in the process allowing both to be happier, as she is part of your whole. There are times when one must keep their femininity hidden, but even in those times don’t keep yourself in denial. Accept and embrace your dual nature.
Labels, labels, labels. There are many in use, and it gets annoying and confusing. Some folks might want to use stronger language here, but I won’t! Wondering what I am seems to be a natural thing, like wanting to know where we have come from. If you feel you need a label so that you know where you fit in with this, then so be it. The problem seems to be finding the right one. It might be close, but not perfect because of this or that part. Which is fine too, as you are yourself, a unique and special being.
Coming full circle here, which I’m afraid my dear friend might be in his circle of life, with his hopes and dreams left undone. I want to say to you, don’t leave it until it’s too late to take time for yourself, to be true to yourself, and find your balance."
I’m a realist, and there are many things I’m never going to be able to do; I accept this. The same goes for everyone else, but there are those important things just within our grasp. We only need to reach out to get them! Just do it!
Amy Myers
How do you feel about yourself?
Have you found that balance?
What are your next steps to take on your feminine journey?
i am sitting here in fear, fear that the words I want to use here will be misunderstood. I would ask you to read this in its entirety and give me the grace to muddle through as best I can Please
Amy I wish were here in front of me right now,(standing or sitting doesn’t matter). I would wrap my arms across your shoulders, lock my fingers behind your neck (not around your neck), look you in the eye and say this to you.
I hate you!
Your story here left me in a puddle of tears. Right now I fell so mentally and emotionally raw, vulnerable and helpless so........
I came here this morning to get distracted from my reality, if only for a moment. You took that from me. (More on this statement later).
i would pull you close to me and say,
thank you and I love you.
You reminded me, I am not alone in this world with my emotional wreckage. There are others who are facing similar situations and I am not alone.
I hate you
Because you reminded me this morning of all the little fears and internal conflicts I have to face today surrounding my cding.
I love you
Because you have reminded me of all the battles I have won. This in itself gives me the strength to face the next giant that raises its ugly head.
I hate you because you are not here in front of me to where I so desperately need some one that I can cry with and not feel so all alone and isolated, confused with no one to really talk to.
I love you because you reminded me that regardless of how I feel, I am not alone with turmoil. There are others here who have these same struggles and worse, and they are sharing them and overcoming them.
I hate you because you just made it harder for me to leave CDH. Even though I know that the net holds no real intimate opportunity, all the stories I read could be from your active fantasy world. How do I know I can trust you.
I love you because I also know that you may actually be a real and living person like me, (because I have already met some of the beautiful people here.
I started writing this at 8 am, it is now 3pm and I am not sure if I have said anything near what I want to say.
I m not sure if a simple thank you would have been enough to say at the beginning.
I am not sure if a simple thank you would be enough for being in the midst of your journey, because you have give me hope and courage to take the next step.
Im not sure if a simple thank you for reminding me of the conflicts today would be enough for you
But the biggest reason I hate you (and I don’t know if I will ever be able to forgive you for)
You are not here, where I can put my arms around your neck, tell you I love you and thank you for giving me another day of my brokenness. It will be through these kind of days will I cherish, and delight in, because I am finding healing and a wholeness here.
(I cant go no more, I hope you have heard my heart, my meaning of hate is meant more as a term of affection and endearment, not as a dislike of you)
please forgive me if I have left you confused, I know what I want to say from my heart, but my head is so unskilled at translating it
Amy, this is so nicely written. A reminder for me to be present and appreciate every day that I have on this planet. Even beyond dressing, I think it's important to be grateful, to accept and love yourself and to live in the moment. Be here now, because nothing in this life is guaranteed. This made my day, thank you.
Balance has been the keyword im my life for many years now. When I was in my mid 30s I came very close to committing suicide. I saw a psychologist for a few months and she gave me some great insight in who I was. I have a large family and a non accepting wife. My family has and always will come first in my life. If I had known earlier about who I was I think my life would have been different, but you can't change the past, only the future. So I balance Terri into my life. It is not easy, but either is Life.
Amy, You have truly struck a nerve with me. I live everyday in the middle of my male self and my female side. Some lingerie use on an everyday basis helps me maintain the balance. With the virus being what it is, caution and social distancing help. a face cover protects me from being recognized and also muffles my voice a little bit. For me, this is what I can do. Not what I want to do. She is really pushing hard to come out and with every passing day, succeeding! I relish my marriage and my family too much to end it by coming out to everyone. My wife knows about her, but doesn't want to know anything about it. "Get help". "Make a decision". These are things that some of us hear from our spouse's. If I can survive one week at a time allowing Marlie some out time, My life is in balance as it's ever gonna get.
Marlie
Our female side does force us into some difficult compromises with our everyday, dare I say "normal" life. Though who knows what is really normal anymore.
I hope you can continue to find a way to fit Marlie into your life, and yes I underdress as well when I can't dress up as I'd like.
Thank you very much for your response, and thoughts.
Amy
Our female side does force us into some difficult compromises with our everyday, dare I say "normal" life. Though who knows what is really normal anymore.
I hope you can continue to find a way to fit Marlie into your life, and yes I underdress as well when I can't dress up as I'd like.
Thank you very much for your response, and thoughts.
Amy
Amy, You have truly struck a nerve with me. I live everyday in the middle of my male self and my female side. Some lingerie use on an everyday basis helps me maintain the balance. With the virus being what it is, caution and social distancing help. a face cover protects me from being recognized and also muffles my voice a little bit. For me, this is what I can do. Not what I want to do. She is really pushing hard to come out and with every passing day, succeeding! I relish my marriage and my family too much to end it by coming out to everyone. My wife knows about her, but doesn't want to know anything about it. "Get help". "Make a decision". These are things that some of us hear from our spouse's. If I can survive one week at a time allowing Marlie some out time, My life is in balance as it's ever gonna get.
Marlie
Amy,
Thank you so much for this. Your words ring so very true to me. Repression has been my lifelong byword. It has warped me emotionally and created wall after wall after wall in my life that has isolated me from the joy of the world and God forgive me, even from those to whom I should be the closest.
I turned 50 this year and my body has begun to accuse me of my neglect. I have had to accept some lifestyle changes and an upcoming surgery and face the hard truth that the clock is ticking. Tomorrow is not guaranteed. Your article reminded me of exactly what I needed to hear at exactly the right time. Thank you so very much.
-Jen
Jennifer, most, maybe even all of us, go through some kind of repression over this need we have and it can be so difficult to overcome.
I hope you are able to give Jen some time to be herself, even if it rationed out in small doses.
Thank you very much for your response.
Amy
Jennifer, most, maybe even all of us, go through some kind of repression over this need we have and it can be so difficult to overcome.
I hope you are able to give Jen some time to be herself, even if it rationed out in small doses.
Thank you very much for your response.
Amy
That was a nice read, thank you. And I love that header-picture! 🙂
That was a nice read, thank you. And I love that header-picture! 🙂
Great thoughts Amy!
Great thoughts Amy!
