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I have often thought about what it would be like to walk into a Sephora salon and ask for a makeover. I have always marvelled at the stories of girls' first makeovers. Scary at first, but mostly a very rewarding experience. I've tried my hand at makeup using YouTube, and getting suggestions from chatting with the girls on CDH. I've gotten just good enough to feel comfortable while I am out in public. Having an actual beautician do the work for you, and learning from the experience, is something many of us have done and enjoyed, but I probably won’t be getting a makeover for a few reasons.
I do like to be out as Bree, though. I’ve gone to a local mall. I’ve been to Applebee's with my wife. I've visited my state's capital and walked around confidently. I’ve also thought about getting dressed to go out for the evening at one of the local nightclubs. My overwhelming fear is of getting into an altercation with some closed-minded individual, or being outed by the staff. I originally started going out under cover of darkness and rarely left my vehicle. I had the same fears and questions that many of the girls face: is this area safe? How will I be treated if I manage the courage to walk out and about? These are valid concerns. I don't walk around at night by myself, there's no reason to ask for trouble. But I know there are places out there that would accept me just as I am.
My state capital city of Madison WI is a very accepting college town. There are plenty of bars (I do live in Wisconsin after all). There are a few locations that actually cater specifically to the transgender community. There is at least one transgender association that I know of. There are gay bars that would be welcoming also. I would most likely check these out. It’s on my bucket list to meet a local girl and spend a night on the town, exploring some of these establishments. I know the places are out there.
CDH has a section called Local Places. This is one way to find friendly establishments that would actually accept and welcome us. A search for places in the Madison metro area (an area with around a million inhabitants) shows 5 local places. Two Ulta, two Torrid, and one Macys. OK. I'm all set for shopping ... but what about the hundred other things I wanna do? Since I have lived in Wisconsin all my life and I still work in the Madison area, I personally know of a few places that will welcome all members of the LGBTQIA2S+ community. But even with the power of Google it can be hard to find these places.
I want to explore the world and experience what the world has to offer Bree, but let's be honest. We all know there are people in the world who have a problem with transgender folks. (A fact I can only wish we didn’t need to be concerned with.) I’ve also heard from some of the girls that when they do go shopping or into a beauty salon presenting as a woman, they are subject to rude salespeople or beauticians that seem uninterested in taking our money. I'm hoping to avoid that experience. From my adventures so far, I have found most places accepting, and I have not been subjected to anything more than a strange look or two.
So, my questions for you girls are:
- How do you determine where you will go? Do you just get dressed and go out hoping for the best?
- Do you have a few friends that you go with? (There is strength in numbers)
- How do you girls decide which local places are safe?
I look forward to your comments and suggestions.
Hugs,
Bree
@midwesterngirl I’ll start by observing that I have been going out in public for about 14 years. In that time I can think of only one time when a sales clerk was anything less than pleasant and helpful. Other than that, I have been to the grocery, dry cleaners, shopping (of course), beautician, optometrist, auto repair shops, bank, numerous restaurants, museums, theaters and night clubs (LGBTQ and otherwise). I’ve traveled by car across country en femme, through the center of the country and never had a bad experience.
That's a very good track Record Kim. I haven't had a bad experience but I have done far less than han you
Huggs
Bree
@midwesterngirl Fear is a real buzzkiller.
Of all of the "get out the front door" stories that I have read on CDH, I can't remember any of the dressers getting in real trouble. You have been out before, you have a supportive partner, so I would say just keep on doing what you want to do outside.
I like the idea, above, of scouting out a new location beforehand in drab mode. It will give you an idea about how you will be accepted and you could talk to staff.
Chances are that even if anyone ever does say anything to or about you, they are just words. Adding alcohol to the mix will add a bit of risk, but don't enter a bar that you wouldn't enter in drab mode. Teenagers have been a problem for a few dressers, but if you are being accosted by anyone in a big enough store, ask any clerk for help from their security.
well, I don't drink but would like to go for a GNO and do some dancing maybe. I am patient too so, I will get out. thanks for your reply
Huggs
Bree
I'm probably more trans now than cross dresser, as I dress, even wear a wig, almost full time now. There are those chores around the house, still clearing large fallen trees and cleaning up from hurricane Helene, heavy physical chain saw type work, where I have to be in male mode, but otherwise, even just around the house, I'm always Jennifer, and never leave the house except as Jennifer. It's almost funny to think about, it wasn't that long ago that my life was exactly opposite, only dressed at home and never went out dressed. As you mentioned, and seems to be the normal case, I've never had any trouble. Yes, there has been that rare, snide remark by someone passing by, usually some 20s-30s something male still struggling with his own masculinity issues, and sometimes a 2nd look from someone, but never any problem. I smile, maybe a slight nod, and they pass on into the rest of the forgotten moments of my life. Even going into places like the equipment supply for chain saw blades was uneventful, the men in there never batted an eye. As I've gained confidence I've found that if I walked into a place unsure, scared, ashamed of who I am, that's the vibe radiated, and surrounding people react accordingly. When I go in just as any other person, which I am, not even thinking about my painted nails, wig, makeup, women's clothes, nobody else thinks about it either. We, our own fears, programmed into us since birth, are our own worst enemy. Although we haven't come all the way to acceptance yet, we have come a long way baby, and as people come in contact with us more and more we become more accepted. I think it's important what we do get out there, so people can see the real us. All most people see is some overblown, blue hair clown makeup drag queen making some fuss about something, and unless they see that most of us are not like that, they assume we all are, and judge us accordingly. My friend and I have been out to places, bars and clubs, where I can guarantee no cross dresser has ever entered before. Many times those people have never, as far as they're aware, met a real cross dresser face to face before. Yes, it's a little awkward at first, as much for them as it is for us, since they really don't know how to react, they have no experience to draw upon. But we smile a lot, be friendly, and normally within an hour or 2, we'll be talking with someone (usually a woman), and then another, and before you know it we'll be playing pool or throwing darts or whatever and it's like we've become just like anyone else. Just as it should be. But the only way people are going to become as accustomed to us as they are to anyone else, as they've learned to accept gays, is for us to get out there and let them learn. For many, all they know is what they see on TV, not us, the radical fringe, looking strange and trying to corrupt their children. We have fears, so do they, overcoming the ignorance and fears takes both sides to overcome. These are great times, I think we're on the leading edge of a new era, I see it even here in the deep bible belt south. We grew up loaded with the fear, hate, shame, guilt, destroying relationships and lives, burdening us with personal issues we carry for a lifetime. For what, simply wanting to be ourselves, harming no one. Maybe we can stop that here, now, not pass those things on to our future generations. If not now, when?
Hugs,
Jennifer
I know this is an old line, but I just came across it again as I was browsing thru the articles. I enjoy reading them, reminding myself just how, for the most part, we are all the same. Your "Fear is a real buzzzkiller" caught my eye. I agree, initially I went into any new place in drab mode first, case out the joint I guess. It just makes sense to know what to expect. But as I became bolder, I would go in not quite cross dressed, no wig and makeup, but obviously gay, painted nails, the clothes, the mannerisms. I've found that social attitudes have come a long way toward gays, and now for the most part people are much more accepting of them. They still are in a male or female role, more easily digested, and the exposure in the media has better prepared people. We fit into a different category, we're not seen much in the media, if we are it's usually in a more negative way, we're "different", and most people just basically don't know how to react. But anyway, now I don't even bother with that step, I just go. But I think I do have an edge. While yes, fear can be a buzz killer, it's also an awareness enhancer. As everyone here knows, I go back a long ways, so, as many males my age did, with a war going on, we went into the military. During Advanced Infantry Training we learned to deal with fear. Yes, fear is real, but, as you can imagine, it cannot be allowed to become disabling, instead using it to enhance our awareness, and as we all know, when we go out into new areas en femme, situational awareness is, as actually is for all women, essential. Oh yes, the fear of shame, of someone discovering our "secret" is often greater than the fear of death itself, but it can be put into proper perspective. Another advantage I believe I have is the confidence in knowing that for the greatest part, these young men have no real training, and my training gives me the ability to quickly disable, or more, them if the situation should arise, so I can have a bit of self confidence. And even at my age, I can be a force to be reckoned with. But I do still carry mace, better to deal with a threat at a distance than having to have my painted fingernails extracted from their throat. Perhaps it's the confidence that also helps to keep any problems, because no matter where I have gone, and I got out all the time fully femme now, I fortunately have not had a single threatening situation. So maybe, while recognizing fear as a necessary basic instinct survival tool, it doesn't have to be a buzzkill, it pumps adrenaline into the system, actually increasing the intensity of the moment. I think it's that little rush that we hear some of our members talk about when they slip out into the world for the first time. Rather than fear fear we can learn to use it, not only as a survival tool, but as an actual enhancement to our experience. Fear is a buzz, whether we interpret it as a killer or a thrill is up to us.
Hugs,
Jennifer
"They still are in a male or female role, more easily digested"
I am still a crossdressing freshman (so to speak) and never really thought about this before, but this makes a lot of sense, based on the response that I get while dressing androgynously.
It's got to be confusing, to some people. Not that I am judging them. It just indicates that maybe I can dress better, or more creatively, or more artfully.
Madison sounds like a great place to live. I'm sure the fact that it is a college town helps quite a bit. To answer your questions:
1. At this point, I go most places that I want to. This includes going to parks to get my hikes in, stores and other places to complete my errands. I dress to blend in with the other women and I'm sure it helps. Also, I continually find that people are so into their own thing so that they really don't notice others.
2. Unfortunately, I don't have any CD or trans friends to go out with. I find it hard to meet people and the fact that there are no CD or trans groups nearby doesn't really help. It would be great to have like minded people to share activities with so hopefully I'll meet some other girls like me in the future.
3. I just avoid overtly male spaces like sports bars. It isn't hard since I never much liked them anyway. I also avoid remote areas and at night, unlit areas.
Lauren
Good sound advice. Finding friends to go out with is difficult for me too.Hopefully it will come in time for both of us.
Huggs
Bree
- How do you determine where you will go? Do you just get dressed and go out hoping for the best?
- For myself, I go where I want to go. Gay bar, 'regular' bar, stores, restaurants, malls, whatever. How I'm dressed has almost nothing to do with it. I'll go anywhere as Melodee that I'd go in guy mode.
- Do you have a few friends that you go with? (There is strength in numbers)
- Of course it's true that there's comfort to be gained from being in a group, but after you've done that once or twice and the world didn't come crashing down, you find you don't need the group to go out.
- How do you girls decide which local places are safe?
- I live in the DC/Balt area - a pretty liberal area, and a very suburban place. I don't really feel like anywhere is that unsafe (some areas of Baltimore excepted, but then, as noted, I don't go there in guy mode, so...)
Bree, I think you're letting your narrative brain get out ahead of you. Your thoughts are writing a story with a scary ending and since you don't have any or much experience, you're letting that become your reality. This is the unfortunate but inescapable side to the human brain.
There are no guarantees, but I think if you can recognize those thoughts, but just put them aside anyway and choose to go out and search for your happiness, you'll see that it's highly probable that your brain was putting up unnecessary barriers.
People's reaction to you says everything about them and nothing about you. 😉
Go get'em, girl!
thanks dear
I really am interested in how the girls find there safe places. I go out carefully but, I have never had a bad experience. I found a website called StrandsforTrans....I will most likely pick one of their members when I go for my first makeover.
Thanks for the encouragement
Huggs
Bree
Hi Bree!
It sounds like you’ve started out well so far! The mall, Applebees, etc. is more than most girls like us do!
I can relate to what Lauren has wrote, and I do alot of what she does. I also look forward to going out shopping with friends like us in the future.
For now, I love to go shopping. The mall, target, wall mart, and other stores that catch my eye. Driving to them, and walking thru the parking lots is fun as well. Starbucks and some restaurants, I’ll do as well.
Usually I dress to blend in, but if I want to get attention, I’ll put on some heels. Heels definitely will get you noticed as compared to tennis shoes or flats. I like the attention.
Since your wife is on board, I would definitely recommend a tg friendly bar or club where you can either chill out or dance! Unfortunately, I can’t to this because my wife is not that far along in acceptance. The times I’ve been to bars and clubs by myself were so fun though!
All the best,
Lisa
From your pictures, in which you look great and what you have written there is a clear confidence in going out and about even with your wife. Going out with your wife is usually a game changer for a lot of girls as having an accepting partner means she too is comfortable. You have an ally but perhaps you are looking to go solo.
It is understood that you have reservations and lots of questions as to the what ifs. It's quite natural but everywhere you have mentioned are places you can go it alone. So many girls here have entered stores and arranged makeovers or assistance in cosmetics and applications. Their job is a sale with customer service and with the policies and training girls like us there are no issue whatsoever. With that in mind more cosmopolitan areas are more attuned and accepting. I will never say that there will never be a negative reaction but would be rare. naturally knowing your area there are places you wouldn't go to, even in male mode.
I got to a point where I just decided to go it alone and my world changed.
I do now have plenty of people who knew me before and after who still see me and we go out. I have also found new friends who only know the female me to go out with.
I visit all the places that I did before but avoid those areas I wouldn't go to anyway.
Sure I have had some negatives but they are very rare, never confrontational and never made me go backwards. It's about confidence and determination to achieve the goals.
I am happy to hear you are free. I will get everything I need in time.
Thanks for the encouragement
Huggs
Bree
How do you determine where you will go? Do you just get dressed and go out hoping for the best?
I live full time as a woman and go anywhere and everywhere a GG woman might go.
Do you have a few friends that you go with? (There is strength in numbers)
During my everyday, run-of -the-mill activities I am alone. When I visit NYC, I am sometimes with friends but don't need to be.
How do you girls decide which local places are safe?
Any woman knows there are certain parts of town that you don't go in, especially at night. Just do what GG women do. When it comes to bars, stick to trans friendly places. In regular bars, alcohol and being trans are not a good combination.
What I like about the CDH places is I can visit a different town that I'm not familiar with and get suggestions on safe places.
Thank you for your perspective.
Huggs
Bree
I often wonder the same things living in Minneapolis. While there is a lot of support and a few CD friendly groups, I am always still nervous about venturing out too far
Hi Bree. What I have done over the years, in going to the same place multiple times, is slowly adding more female clothing to what I'm wearing. That way you can "test" out your comfort level with walking outside and being inside a building and seeing the reactions or lack of reactions. I now go many places dressed up and continue to see how far I can go.
I also live in the Madison area and what love to meet you. Let me know if you would like to meet up.
Tina
Well, Madison is a great place to go out. I haven't been on the west side too much. It sure is growing over there
I'll keep you in mind if I get to go out again..been pretty limited this year
Huggs
Bree
Sounds good Bree. I live about 10 miles north of Madison. Hope to hear from you again soon.
Tina
Up until this year I was very reluctant to ever leave my safe home zone. But this year I was committed to changing that. At 75, time is fleeting, and when was I going to stop having people I didn't know, and never would, control my life. I began going to a local alternative bar, one of the very, very few in the area, which is a safe area. After first going there in normal male mode, I felt confident enough to one night go fully dressed. No one batted an eye, never even looked up from the pool table as I walked on by in my 4" stilettos and black pencil skirt. I was warmly welcomed, met a lot of great people, made friends. That was it, I started going every Saturday night, then also Thursday nights to watch karaoke. It wasn't long before I met a fully transitioned transsexual who had already walked the same path of fear and self doubt but was now a fully developed woman, her motions, the way she walked, her voice, passable, more feminine than many cis females. She managed to get me to go out to a very nice restaurant for dinner, she held my hand as we walked in to help calm my fears, everything went very well. Then a couple weeks later we went to another, and another, and before long we were walking down main street to go shopping and go to dinner. On very rare occasions I did get a few curious looks, understandable here in the deep south, but never any hostility or even rudeness. Now we get together ever Thursday to go out, we've ventured into new areas extending into the edges of the city we weren't sure would be accepting. A bit more adventurous, some people are open, actually curious and want to talk, some, usually men, keep a distance, not sure how to react. But we never felt threatened, and I've gotten over my fear factor. I guess the moral of the story is, find a friend, it is easier with someone. I don't know if I ever could have ventured from my SAFE out at the club to the OUT out of the real world without my friend, but now I'm almost full time and go everywhere as Jennifer. BUT, the thing is, you have to venture out a little, get outside your own home, into the places where others like us go. I'd have never met my friend staying at home, I had to get out, into a safe area, in order to find someone to to travel my journey with. The Local Places list which this site is working on will be a great help. There's nothing like getting out into the world, it's wonderful going into places and having people say "Hi Jennifer", I love finally, after a lifetime of hiding, to be ME. It just takes that first step.
PS. I did have to learn to tone it down, I had a tendency (still do) to overdress. Women do not dress up any more, and, as mentioned, we have to blend in. When you walk into a restaurant or someplace where all the women are wearing flip flops and sneakers with jeans and you're wearing a fine blouse, skirt, stockings and stilettos, people will notice you. But i don't care any more.
Hugs,
Jennifer
@jenniferr That's a great story Jennifer. We're going to bring back dresses in public. So happy you found your friends.
Huggs
Bree
same as kim hanson.remote chance of anything bad happening here in red florida.many times joined by a friend from Wisconsin who feels the same.
BUT-taking advantage of our new law I also carry a concealed weapon if going out at night
I hafta say I am very envious of Florida laws. Living in Khanada the pols have taken away the right to carry. Stay safe girl. Use it if you have to.
I too worry about going out alone. So I do not do that. I organized an area chapter group on CDH and we have done several meetups. But it is like a dental extraction to get people to go out and then to agree on time and place. Our meetups have been solely at restaurants and nightclubs. The only problem I have in organizing meetups is my wife is always around and she is disabled and can not be left alone. So I wind up staying in hotel and leave her there while meet my girl friends. So it is expensive for me to do as well. My advice would be to join a like minded group in your area. To find such a group - go on Meetup. There are Crossdressing groups listed there.
Alice Black
Thanks Alice. I have a nice group in Wisconsin but it's over 3 hrs away. I feel ya on the meet up thing...haven't found anyone to hang with yet but a couple girls have reached out since I wrote the article.
Hugs
Bree
Great article, and I love the questions to our community dear. It's so important to find places where we can be who we are. ❤
Thanks Hun.
I just wish Southern Wisconsin was represented better. I guess if nobody else is gonna do it I will have to do it myself..lol
huggs
Bree
well? it asked me to comment? but this one is hard for me Personally? i do not have a Problem? i just go "Anyplace i Like"
i guess being as i am ,i am also a Working Studio and Touring Musician, so? i do not think about it? i can say, i have a few friends whom dress, and often i tell them? "Act Obvious" and your going to "Look Obvious" as a Human Being, and none of this i am a girl i am a boy, no! your born one or the other, but! as a Human Being, if allow your title to take over your feeling of "Separation" then you will be Obvious, your a Person, do what and how you feel comfortable? the Stigma of what people think? no one can overcome? is what it is? and i think everyone is Wonderful and Beautiful, but then? We Sioux think MUCH differently of those raised in Western Society? even worse for me? i am Quite Gothic, and "Striking" to the general Norm? but? i am Me? so i do not "CARE" what people think? not in bad way? just? there are 8billion? there just a few? 8 billion is a BIG number! i think all should not be so worried? the general status in Public 99.9999% do not care? and or Do not Notice? because? unless you "ANOUNCE IT"!! think about it? has anyone? walked up to a Genetic Male or Female? and Asked? "Hey Are you a Guy? or a Girl? that individual asking, would look pretty Stupid!! and most? are worried of a conflict? well? can be stuck by Lighting walking out your door? people are People, some good some bad? as a "Human Being" if i was worried of all that? i never make it to the Grocery store to buy food now would i? maybe as an EXAMPLE! i wouldn't wear something real Obvious? like a 1950 looking outfit? unless it fit my "Look" and how i am Presenting myself? unless you "WANT TO BE NOTICED" i have a Vibe and look? like? "Elvira meets Heavy Metal" LOL do i look different, on the worst scale! do i care? "No" but i do try to look "Appropriate" and a general Basics, as i do at Work as when i am out Shopping, going to concerts, gigs i play at, etc. i seen ALLOT of very Pretty people here! and getting over that "SMALL" speed bump, is a hard one? even though its Small in the Mountain of "Life" with others it is easier! and often with my friends, i go with them, and often find myself a bit bored LOL but i can see there VERY HAPPY! and isn't that what life is all about? not the sexual self gratification many have? no? i am talking being "Happy" , but i often joke to them? ok we done here? can we go to the Biker Bar down the street!
i do not mean it! but the look? its "Priceless!" but i love them! cool people!! and think of it? most will see "Genetic" gals go in a small Groups? to a dance hall? a club? sometimes bars? so get some people you trust? and or can talk to! hit that Burger Joint! the Mall, "Concert"(hey might see me locally! lol) grocery store! or Restaurant! sure? there gonna be them pissy ones? ya know them ones? they dress? think there better than most? SEEN ALLOT OF THEM!! called them ALL OUT! lol but just flick them and others off to the side like a Bottle cap on a used up bottle of beer? "No One will remember them? so go have FUN!!! or call me? i'll hang out with ya? its easy!!😊 but? remember? act obvious? gonna look obvious? live by a gun? well? maybe should not go in a area if as a "MAN" your wouldnt feel safe there? well? then be smart! go someplace else? the common SENSE it real easy!! and not just you! but women real ones have it hard as it is to begin with! so? have to try and NOT put yourself in a "Obvious Situation" and DO NOT! be ashamed to ask for Help or Assistance! walking you to your car? or the area it is in! "Dusk" to about 9 to 10pm decent times because bad people do not like "People Around" so go have some FUN!!! or Organize an event! looks to be this site can help in that way!! and looks fun! but? more you "Wait" becomes harder and harder?
@winter A great take From a girl that wears her heart on her Black Sleeves. It is good to have the backing of friends for sure and I have friends in the world for sure. Your attitude lives inside me somewhere..gotta find some of it and go.
Thanks for the reply
Huggs
Bree
As a performer as well I’ve learned that once your up there on stage and the show begins , you have to drop all fear of being judged , and just go for it what will be will be , your triumphs your mistakes, ppl are gonna get it all , and that’s ok , we are human and so are they , we do music for us and that’s all that matters , not everyone is gonna like it and that’s ok , just like dressing and feeling the inner person we really are is ok as well. Once the dress is on and you’re rolling the shows going , don’t let anything stop it …
Hi Bree
In Australia we are very open minded with the whole trans thing so there would be very few people who would be willing to risk the wrath of society by being rude to us. Having said that there are still some people who just dont get it. When I first started going out I met quite a few gurls like me on Facebook and as a result from a few chats and pic swaps I had a ready made group. Many of them had been on the scene for years and as such new most places that were safe and fun to go to. Not only that but having someone to talk to at these places makes the night out much more fun and relaxing. So I would have to say anyone who is interested get together and have fun
Love
Gail
@gbingyi61 Since Facebook started enforcing using real names, I wouldn't even think about posting anything about crossdressing there. Their algorithms would make it highly likely of getting outed by them.
@harriette Yes...Facebook does find a lot of stuff. I'm taking the risk but...Bree isn't on Facebook very much. Hopefully it doesn't happen but I will live with the fallout
Huggs
Bree
@gbingyi61 well, If I ever get to go to Australia... I'll bring my prettiest dress. I'm happy to hear you have a community to share life with.
Huggs
Bree
Would love to see you if you ever get here Bree. And yes Harriette FB is something definitely needs to be very cautious of. I was fortunate that Gails FB has been running for a long time before they enforced the real name stuff so Shhh I wont tell if you dont
Love Gail
