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Foreword
This article was difficult to write. It took weeks from start to finish. In the next few minutes, I’ll reflect on some recent mental health issues that I’ve experienced, and I’ll tell you how I recovered. Writing about this has forced me to relive things that I’d rather forget; more than once, I had to stop and allow myself to cry.
In late September, I took a three-week trip to the UK to visit a handful of girlfriends I’d befriended on CDH; Ellie Davis, Fiona Finlay, Allie, Rebecca Lewis and Lucy Bancroft. Ellie’s cottage in Norfolk would be my home away from home.
Planning started in the Spring. It would be my first real vacation in several years. By September, it became a trip that I needed to take.
Some of the girls that I visited have already reflected on their experiences during the three weeks I was in the UK. If you’re interested, look for articles and forum topics by Ellie Davis, Allie, Rebecca Lewis and Fiona Finlay.
It was just after dawn on my fifth day in the UK and all I could hear were the soothing sounds of nature. I was standing at the window of Ellie’s guest room, looking out into her backyard. Bright sunshine filtered down through a tapestry of leaves. Birds darted back and forth in the flickering green, sudden flights interrupted by moments of stillness.
The Norfolk countryside unfolded lazily in the distance.
This was so unlike the noisy bustle of life in the suburbs of Southern California.
That’s when it struck me; I’d woken up feeling content for the first time in months. I was well-rested; my mind was empty; I was living in the moment. The chaos that I’d left behind had finally released its grip on my thoughts. My shoulders were relaxed. The nervous twitch in my right eye had relented.
I had nothing better to do than stare out of that window, and I was smiling.
THIS was what I’d been craving. Solace. Serenity. Norfolk.
It had taken me five days to feel alive again. To feel human. To start recovering from a near breakdown.
I pride myself on being resilient and resourceful. I handle stress and adversity well. But I’m also human; there are limits to how much I can handle, and past experiences have taught me how to recognize the signs of impending mental collapse.
As many of you are aware, I’m trans. I started transitioning three years ago, and that has given me a life that I didn’t previously think was possible. It’s really that good. But that life is not without challenges. Some are trans-specific, others are just life gone sideways.
I don’t talk much about those challenges and I won’t go into the details now. Frankly, they’re too boring and depressing. But they are significant. Many of my most difficult challenges came to a head in the summer of 2024. I’d been testing the limits of my resilience for months; I was mentally and emotionally exhausted by August and I was a wreck when I left San Diego in September.
All the warning signs were there. Insomnia. Fatigue. Irritability. Headaches. Forgetfulness. Difficulty concentrating. Feeling withdrawn. Changes in appetite. Frequent crying. Feeling overwhelmed.
Knowing that I was hiding it. Knowing that I needed help.
On multiple occasions, in the privacy of my home, I cried uncontrollably for hours. Personal loss, family crisis, institutional transphobia, job stresses, innumerable demands on my time. I could go on.
Transition had given me just enough strength to handle a very difficult situation, but it had also given me a level of emotional response that I was finding difficult to cope with.
Knowing when to ask for help can make the difference between a near-breakdown and being debilitated. I reached out to the people I knew I could trust with my fragile emotional state.
My therapist told me what I already suspected. Therapy by itself was a band-aid. Anti-depressants would help, but they were just a better band-aid. What I really needed was to remove myself from the chaos in my life. She advised me to go to Norfolk to be with my girlfriends, and I knew that she was right. I needed their support.
One of the greatest things about CDH is that you can make real friends with people you meet online. Through fate or luck or divine intervention, I got to know Ellie Davis. In the months leading up to my trip, Ellie and I chatted often, and I told her about the many challenges I was dealing with. I don’t think I ever actually asked for her help. My raw emotions said more than I could possibly convey in words.
During one of our conversations, Ellie said something that took me by surprise. To be honest, I can’t remember her exact words. But it was along these lines:
‘Liz, when you get to Norfolk I’ll make your time with me as easy and stress free as I possibly can. You’re going to be okay.’
She said it with the calm assurance of someone who’s been there before.
Somehow, I knew she was right. I was going to be okay. Faith in Ellie’s words kept me going on my roughest days.
During the weeks leading up to my trip, I made sure to reach out to all the girls who I would be visiting. There were lots of messages and several group video calls. We shared our thoughts and feelings about the challenges of being who we are. My girlfriends got to hear about my struggles, and their words reinforced what Ellie had already said. I was going to be okay.
By now, you’ll have realized this article isn’t actually about my vacation in the UK. It’s about the sisterhood that I found on CDH. My UK girlfriends provided a space in which I could heal. They listened. They had my back. In their presence I found peace, serenity, companionship, fun and LOTS of laughter.
I want to offer heartfelt thanks to Fiona Finlay, Allie, Rebecca Lewis, Lucy Bancroft … and especially Ellie Davis. I love you all. I had a grand time visiting with each of you. We will see each other again.
I’ve been a member of CDH for over five years. I joined for the same reason that many do - to meet other girls and to build a network of friends. I’ve found an empathy here that is vanishingly rare on other ‘support’ sites. I see it every day; when one of us is hurting, she can feel confident that her sisters will do everything in their power to help her. We are never alone.
We are never alone. That’s the message I’d like to leave you with.
I don’t expect that this will be the last article I’ll write about my experiences in the UK. There was much about that trip that simply didn’t fit with an article about mental health. Stay tuned.
Thanks for reading.
Liz xx
Footnote: It’s important to know when to ask for help. If you have a few trusted girlfriends, reach out to them privately when you’re in a tough spot. If you’re fortunate enough to be able to meet in person then do it - but remember that video conferencing apps provide a good alternative. Google Meet and Zoom are both free and easy to use.
And don’t forget, even when meetups in whatever form simply aren’t possible, you still have options. If you trust the person you’re reaching out to, private messages, email and even text messages can all offer a vital lifeline.
This was very moving to read, Liz. Thank you so much for sharing this deep part of you. I'm so pleased that you found a happy respite during your trip to beautiful Norfolk. I wish I could have been with you to give you a hug.
Jacqui
xxx
Hi Jacqui,
When I returned home and thought about what an article might look like, it became clear that I couldn't ignore my mental state before the trip. And I couldn't ignore the incredible sisterhood I found while I was there. I knew I had to write this article.
There's a huge upside to this trip that I haven't said much about - the amazing time I had visiting with y'all. It was an epic trip on so many levels. There were plenty of experiences to write about, as we've already seen from my partners in crime. And there is more to come.
Liz xx
@lizk Gosh, Liz, I don't know what to say. I'm so happy that things are better for you.
With affection,
Christine
Hey y'all. It's Thanksgiving Day in the US.
I just want to express my gratitude to all my sisters on CDH. Wherever you may be.
I'm unable to be on the site for long today because, well, there's a lot of food that needs to be prepared. And there are loved ones to visit with. I'm not ignoring you. I'll respond as time allows.
Happy Thanksgiving!
Liz xx
@lizk Liz, what a heartwarming story to read. I'm sorry to read of the anguish you've been through, but of course you are such a strong woman that you'll continue to push through and achieve your goals. You are such an inspiration to us all. Sometimes just stepping away from everything and looking from afar really helps. It can't do any harm if that happens to be with the companionship of such a lovely group of girls of course. I'm so glad you had such a wonderful time on your visit to the UK, and I've so enjoyed reading the posts from the main protagonists. I so wish I had been there to experience the camaraderie, celebration and, well just general girliness.
I'm no expert on mental health issues. I'm a pretty laid back and relaxed sort of girl. Some would say comatose 😂. But you know my situation, and this causes me not a little angst. I am lucky. I have a good life in so many respects. But of course my feminity is currently completely denied to me. Whether that situation will take more of a toll on me only time will tell. I may take these feelings to the grave or my need to express my feminine side may just one day burst violently out of me. We shall see.
Hugs to you Liz, Chrissie xx.
Thank you Chrissie.
This isn't my first go-round with adversity. I've pushed my way through some soul crushing crap because I had to. I needed to survive. And I've always managed to find a silver lining. As Nietzsche said, "what does not kill me makes me stronger”. They're words I live by.
I haven't said much about my trip to visit my UK girlfriends. Not yet anyway. But you are correct. I had a grand time. I'm already planning another visit for 2025.
Chrissie, my gut tells me we'll meet someday. I would very much like that. In the meantime, we have CDH.
Liz xx
Chrissie, my gut tells me we'll meet someday. I would very much like that.
Liz xx
Liz, that would be wonderful. I live in hope xx.
Thanks for sharing this deeply personal story.
It does prove the old saying. What don't kill me. Strengthens me!
Life sure has it's twists and turns. Friendship,family and a wingman or woman is the GPS we need to get back to a better place in our lives.
CDH is the wings that we need to soar with! I'm thankful to God and the girls here that we have such a Haven to weather the storms of life.
A new motto could be Solace is Us!
Peace and Tranquility Girls!
Fran 🥰
I'm fortunate that I have my dearest girlfriends to lean on. By the end of my first week in the UK, my internal compass was reset, and I was feeling good. Before I found CDH, it would've taken me weeks to recover. So much good comes from this site. Love this place.
Thanks for your comment, Fran!
Liz xx
@lizk It’s so nice you found such wonderful people to support you on your journey. I hope everything settles down at home so you can just be you. Hugs.
I'm good now Gina. Being in the UK for a few weeks was exactly what the doctor ordered. The chaos I was dealing with is still there. But there's less of it.
Liz xx
@lizk Such a wonderfully encouraging and insightful piece of writing. Thankyou for your honesty, openness and willingness to share this. Norfolk is indeed a lovely place and I am very fortunate to live in nearby Suffolk which is also a place of beauty and peace. I actually am lucky to own a boat which I keep on the Norfolk Broads.
I really felt that I needed to write this Nicola. Not only for my benefit, but for other girls that might find themselves in similar circumstances.
When time allows, I want to write another article about my time in the UK. Besides seeing much of Norfolk, I spent significant time in the Midlands and North Yorkshire.
Then there was one very wet day exploring the Southwold area with @ellyd22. We couldn't stop laughing about how absurdly drenched we were. The seats of Ellie's car may still be damp! Yes, Suffolk is beautiful. Even in torrential downpours!
Liz xx
I’ve just had the opportunity to read this. I know it must have been difficult to write, but I’m happy that your trip made such a difference to your mental health. You certainly seemed chilled out when we met.
I’m so glad that things fell into place so that I could meet up with the pair of you. I’ve walked past the restaurant a number of times since then, and if I glance in the window I can still imagine us sitting in our booth having a laugh.
I do hope I can meet up with you again at some point next time you’re over here.
Loos x
Thanks Loos! I was not in a good place when I departed San Diego. By the time I got to Norfolk, I'd removed myself from the chaos and could start to unwind. It only took a few days of solitude to rebound. By the end of my first week, I was in a good place again.
I should add that I recover more quickly than I used to. I've learned a few things from years of therapy and group support.
Meeting up at that restaurant was definitely one of the highlights of my trip. I know there will be more opportunities. I'm planning another trip for next Spring.
Hugs, Liz xx
Thank you for writing this; I know it wasn't an easy thing to do. And you know that all of us feel exactly the same way about you 💕
I'm very, very honoured to be your friend - and I'll always be there for you.
Love you to bits 🙂
Ellie xxx
You're chosen family Ellie. I can't put it more simply than that. I love you too.
You know I'll be back. There's that thing in Leeds. Lots of exploring to do.
Liz xx
You're chosen family Ellie. I can't put it more simply than that. I love you too.
You know I'll be back. There's that thing in Leeds. Lots of exploring to do.
Liz xx
Ok, you two, time to get a room!!
Well, Liz, this may not have been easy to write but it conveys your thoughts and emotions very well. If I am anything to go by, it will stir strong emotions in those who read it, I'm wiping away tears as I write.
I'm proud and humbled to have been with you for part of your visit and I look forward to seeing you again as soon as commitments allow.
Love and hugs,
Allie x
Yeah Allie, it WAS a tough article to write. Mental health issues are not exactly a feel-good topic. I wrote this article as much for myself as my sisters that read it.
None of us are immune to mental and emotional trauma. When it strikes, finding help is crucial. There are so many girls in our community that can't or won't seek help. Some of them are no longer with us.
I want all of us to find our happy place. Wherever that may be.
I have a really good life. The sisterhood I found on CDH is the foundation of my happiness. And it's my support system when the going gets rough. I know I will never be alone.
You know I'll be back next year. Can't wait to see you again Allie.
Liz xx
I know we'll meet up next August for the CDH@LFF inaugural celebration but Fluff, Ellie and I are also spending a couple of days together on the 28th and 29th of March. If your schedule allows, it would be great to see you then. Just a thought🤔.
Allie x
I would love to be there for your March meetup. It probably won't work with my schedule but we'll see.
Liz xx
Happy Thanksgiving Liz
It sounds like your emotional reset came just in time. When I spend my time with family today I will be including you in my thoughts of Thanksgiving for all the positive things I know We have. I hope you can look back at your trip and look forward to many more. It's funny how I can tell the girls on CDH anything without judgement. Sooo different from the daily interactions out in the busy world. Lean on this wonderful ladies. They have never let me down.
Huggs
Bree
Thank you Bree! It's been a good Thanksgiving holiday for me. The three weeks I spent in the UK were one of the most meaningful chapters in my journey. There's a new fork in the road.
Liz xx
Liz, another thank you from me for writing this, that really can't have been easy. It wasn't an easy read either, feeling greatly for you with the pressures of a hectic life all combining to weigh down so heavily on your shoulders. I know we had the video calls before your arrival in the UK, but in this situation your words are worth more than all those thousands upon thousands of pictures ❤️
It's surely testament to Ellie's wonderful hospitality and sisterhood, that I barely recognise the emotional and deeply stressed girl you describe, and who Ellie most definitely met at the airport, from the confident, relaxed and happy Liz that I first met at Tracey's studio in Leicester a week or so later. I'm so glad that you were able to take so much joy from all the things we went on to do together, we certainly made some fantastic memories 🙂
With much love and huge hugs right back to you Liz, and looking forward greatly to your next visit to these shores 🤗
Fluff xxx
Hey Fluff,
Yeah, reliving things I'd rather forget made for a tough write. Tell you the truth, I thought about scrapping it several times. But I'm glad I wrote it. If it helps even one girl, it will have been worth it.
When you met me at Tracey's studio, I was much more like my usual self. It took the better part of my first week to unwind from the chaos that had dogged me for months.
Being in Norfolk and Ellie's sisterhood had a lot to do with a quick recovery. But even during that first week, we did a lot. Exploring Norfolk revealed one of most peaceful places I've ever been to.
We spent a lot of time together Fluff. You deserve a lot of credit for helping this girl get her game on. Every day was epic.
You know I'll be back next year. More adventures, sister!
Hugs, Liz
Dearest Liz, How incredibly kind and empathetic of you to share some of your deepest feelings and struggles with us. Along with that, you were brave enough to give all of us a path to follow when we were struggling. Hugs to you and all the sisters that helped and will help in the future. Marg
Thanks Marg. None of us are immune from adversity. There are a lot of shoulders to lean on here. I just want every girl to find her happy place.
We are never alone.
Liz xx
What a lovely heartfelt article Liz. I'm so pleased to hear that your visit to the UK lifted your spirits and hope you get to visit again soon
You can count on another visit Amy. Next year. I'll be there for the CDH@LFF gathering on August 1. I hope to meet you there!
Liz xx
It is never easy to put down in words personal experiences regarding mental health issues, yours is an exceptional piece.
You highlight the importance of reading the signs and dealing with them before it goes too far. Getting help, reaching out is so important as much as to never be embarrassed or afraid to admit that you need help. If you have no one then seek assistance from helplines and your doctor.
I know from my experience it mirrors what has happened to you Liz, I ignored the signs and believed I could resolve it and cope with it. I couldn't, it's all consuming to balance everything, acting normal while the inner turmoil eats you up.
I was lucky that after the crash I had help from my Doctor and other professionals,I also had dear friends who rallied round too.
The the recuperation where finding space to breath and reunite the good bits of life. The countryside was also my peaceful place where I could absorb myself in nature and having friends support was so cathartic.
Perhaps it will never go away but managing and recognising any signs then addressing them is the way ahead.
It has to be said that this community has a wonderful supporting nature going beyond any other area.
Thank you Liz for your writings and hope it encourages others who are in the same situation to reach out and know you will be heard.
I know from my experience it mirrors what has happened to you Liz, I ignored the signs and believed I could resolve it and cope with it. I couldn't, it's all consuming to balance everything, acting normal while the inner turmoil eats you up
OMG Angela. You wrote the script for a full breakdown I had many years ago. It was one of the darkest times of my life. That experience is the main reason this latest episode wasn't AS bad. Everything you wrote resonates.
Mental health issues don't get written about much. Obviously, it's tough to write about something you'd rather forget. But I believe the bigger reason is the social conditioning that tells us to hide our vulnerability.
We're conditioned to ignore the signs of impending collapse; all while presenting a facade that everything is okay. You crash hard when your life unravels one day. I've been there. Being debilitated REALLY sucks.
If you're reading this and in distress, say something for heavens sake. Jump on the Forums or Chat, or message a trusted friend. The worst thing you can do is nothing.
Thank you Angela for writing this well thought response.
I hope to see you at the CDH@LFF gathering next August. It looks to be a well-attended event. It will be fun!
Hugs, Liz
@lizk Thankyou Liz, yes mental health is a hidden issue. Oddly I have supported others through my work since my event and although each is different there are common denominators.
The one thing that had a constant was my dressing and it still moved forward which was a good focus and release for me.
Hopefully I will be able to get to LFF next year.
Thank you for writing this deeply personal article Liz. I'm glad to see you've passed that rough period. Just know that we're here to support you however we can.
Love & Hugs,
Fiona
Thank you Fiona! Yes, I got thru that rough period and had a grand time in the UK. It really was an amazing trip. The 'therapy' seems to be sticking. I've been in a good place since I got home last month.
Liz xx
Dear Liz,
I've four words akin to "...You're going to be OKAY"....."GOD BE WITH YOU".
Sincerely and With Love,
Another Sister,
Thea
@lizk ..."just one more thing."....didn't Lieutenant Columbo say that all the time?...and THANKS TO YOU, I recently applied for and received a credit card with Thea Patrick's name on it. I can't tell you how happy that makes me feel. I just may be using it at Macy's! ...for a dress, perfume, something pretty....LOL!....because of YOU!
Sincerely and Happy Holidays,
Thea
Wow! That's a blast from the past. I haven't thought about Columbo in decades. Wasn't my cup of tea but saw many episodes with my mom when she was alive.
Hey I'm really happy you just got a Thea credit card. Very cool! Very validating! Time for some Retail Therapy!
Happy Holidays!
Liz xx
@lizk You have fallen on your feet by meeting with your amigos, it would appear you have done well by them, and they, you. It is nice to hear about good things happening in a world so full of shite, as it seems to be at the moment.
I don't make friends easily but I have warm feelings towards many on this site: Grace, Anna, Angela, Chrissie, Fi Black, to name but a few of many (and not excluding you and your new sisters). Although I may never reach the same level of friendship that you have attained with your named compatriots—it's just not in my loner nature—I enjoy reading about your, and others, adventures in meeting up and experiencing something of which lot of people would have no concept: that of the unifying activity (and in some cases, entire life-style) that is cross-dressing and its associated femininity.
I'm pleased you enjoyed your visit to the UK and trust you will come to our shores again. Perhaps next time, Ellie will show you that our country has hills too (Norfolk is so flat).
As regards your mental problems, I sense you are content with your progress; may your good experiences continue.
I enjoyed your article very much.
Hugs
Becca
I never thought of it like that but you're right. I DID land on my feet by meeting my girlfriends in the UK. Yes, it was a meaningful three weeks for all of us.
I'm still doing really well. Thank you Becca.
Ever since I became involved in the trans/CD community, I've felt a connection to other girls that is unlike any other. I know there are the shared activities and lifestyle and common interests. But it goes deeper than that. There's an intrinsic bond we all share. I call it sisterhood for lack of a better description. When you think about it, we're all in this together.
I'm already planning my next trip for next year. I'm attending the CDH@LFF gathering on August 1. I'll be retired by then and will have a lot more time to visit.
Now as for those hills.... * hmm can I say this without a retort from Ms. Davis.... *
Norfolk does have some impressive bluffs and dunes along its North Coast. And there are a few earthen bumps here and there. But yes, Norfolk is pretty flat. Some of it is below sea level. There are numerous windmills. It reminds me of Netherlands.
I did spend a fair amount of time wandering around the Midlands and North Yorkshire. That part of the UK definitely is not flat. I saw swaths of the English countryside that were uncharted territory for me. It is incredibly beautiful country. There is plenty I haven't seen. Yet.
Hugs, Liz
Liz -
Thank you so much for such a personal and thoughtful article. It is not easy to bare our soul to others and relive the past. I am happy for you that you were able to make a trip to be amongst sisters who were able to help you deal with your difficulties.
The past doesn't go away but with help we can manage how we deal with it. It took me a long time (decades) to deal with past issues (denial is a horrible thing). It wasn't until 6 years ago that I came to accept my feminine side and crossdressing with the help of my wife and therapist. Joining this site and meeting the wonderful sisters here was a god send in my acceptance. Like so many others I always thought I was alone. It is freeing to know that I am not.
To others here that are struggling, therapy can be very useful in dealing with issues. Don't be embarrassed or ashamed of asking for help. It takes strength to ask for help, not weakness. It took me a long time to understand that.
Again thank you and I wish you the best going forward.
XOXO
Suzanne
Thank you Suzanne.
I think if I didn't have this incredible community, my recovery would've taken much longer. I might have even succumbed to pressure to cancel the trip. Fortunately none of that happened.
I wrote this article because I thought it might help someone.
And I wrote it because I felt it was part of my recovery. I was vulnerable. I got knocked on my ass. I'll own that and move on. Live to fight another day.
We are never alone.
Hugs, Liz
Hi Liz, I am so pleased you were able to find peace comfort and happiness here in the UK, it can be a wonderful place to unwind and feel at peace with the world again. CDH is a wonderful place I have met some lovely people and been fortunate enough to receive help from them when I needed it. It have also been able to help some members along the way..... Some time ago I wrote a piece for my blog which ended with the line: "Be there for a friend, it's one of the best things you can do in your life". Being helped is vital, helping is also so important and rewarding. Readers may not think they can do anything to help, particularly if the person needing help is on the other side of the world, but talking about the problem, offering support and just being there makes a huge difference. We can all help someone.........
Thank you Andrea.
Yes, rural England was exactly the place I needed to renew my spirit. It worked!
Sure I did some touristy things. Of course there was Pinks and LFF and all the things girls like us like to do. That wasn't the focus or the point of going.
I went there to live. To just be. To have plenty of downtime. To be with my girlfriends.
You said something that resonates:
Be there for a friend, it's one of the best things you can do in your life.
That's akin to something I learned years ago when I was in 12-Step.
Being of service. When we freely offer our help to someone in need, we are also helping ourselves.
Yes, there is the satisfaction of knowing you helped improve someone's life.
And there are the ways you help yourself: being reminded of where you came from; staying accountable to yourself and staying active in your journey; having a sense of purpose; connecting with your fellow sisters; being an inspiration to someone; becoming a trusted member of our community.
Being of service is a win-win. I would offer that the person offering help often gains more than the person receiving.
Hugs, Liz
Hi Liz, so sorry to hear you have gone through such pain, but it sounds like you found some solace on your visit.
All of East Anglia is beautiful. I lived in the neighbouring county of Suffolk for a few years, and when stepping off the train from London each evening, our small town felt like a refuge of calm.
Joanna 💕
Thank you Joanna.
Yes, I had a rough few months earlier this year. But it could've been worse. Knowing when to seek help made the difference this time. I'm in a much better place since returning to the US.
I found East Anglia to be one of the most peaceful places I've ever visited. A refuge of calm, as you said. And yes, that's a perfect description of the small town I was staying. For the times when I wanted what a larger city had to offer, Norwich was an easy drive. Yet Norwich is small enough to not be overwhelming. And having a thriving LGBTQ community is a huge plus.
Liz xx
