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I would like to share my experience being a significant other of a new crossdresser.
Was I scared when I found out? Hell yes! Was I confused? Yes! Did I take it personally? A little. I won't say that what I went through was mentally easy, but the way things happened made the transition easier than most. My partner Alyce Victoria and I had been together five years prior to her admitting she was a crossdresser.
I was a newly divorced traditional values woman fresh on the dating scene. I'd only dated two men prior to finding Alyce on a cheesy dating site. Two years into our relationship, I found my partner being secretive about a lot of things, but the one that concerned me the most was the ads she posted on craigslist to find "like minded people" and saw the word "Bisexual." Along with that dreaded word, I learned she wanted to dress in woman's clothing. I will admit I silently freaked out. I confronted the issue and we had our first real blow out. Now Alyce and I are laid back people, we barely bicker, and when voices are raised something is wrong!
She finally admitted to being bisexual and wasn't looking for a relationship but rather someone to talk to. She had moved an hour away from home to live with me. I kept the crossdressing to myself. We made up and life went on with open jokes about who we would share our bed with. I came to accept that even though she is bi, she does loves me. I won't say our relationship is perfect. Not to mention it still freaks me out that I worry about not only women but men interrupting our relationship.
Time moved on again, life pressing against our love as reality added strain again to our relationship. Work and school consumed me and sadly, I neglected my love. Not on purpose mind you. It wasn't until it became too late did I notice more changes in Alyce. She became withdrawn, sneaky, and I noticed she was hiding things. I tried reaching out but got nothing in return. I was stressed from school, I felt alone and I felt so alone in a relationship with someone I truly loved. Then my heart stopped.
I found Alyce receiving comfort from another person. A woman she met online was sending her emails and text messages. To my horror the person I loved was emotionally connecting and expressing love to another woman. Even worse, she felt so comfortable with that person that she shared what she couldn't share with me. It made me feel like there was something wrong with me, that I wasn't providing the love she needed. To be cheated on by the person I wanted to spend my life with was heart breaking.
I had to stop it all and put down an ultimatum: Either stay or leave. I told her I knew about the crossdressing, a three year secret that she should have been open and honest about from the beginning. She opened up about her depression and I admitted I never knew how bad it was. I wish I'd known sooner.
The choice was made. She cut off all contact with the other woman, brought her crossdressing out in the open and I accepted Alyce as she was. I wanted our relationship to get stronger, and make Alyce feel she could trust and open up to me. I also wanted to keep the man I fell in love with. I am a straight woman. I love to look at the female form but I don't want to be with a woman. We came to terms and those terms are flexible. The next night, I gave Alyce a necklace to wear.
Nine months later she has gotten, more outfits, undergarments, makeup and even a new necklace personalized with her name. We are still working hard at our relationship, Alyce's depression seems to be lifted with the companionship she receives from the chatroom and forums here. She seems happier, staying on the path of being faithful, earning my trust back slowly and for that I am grateful.
I know I will never understand her need to crossdress but I understand why she craves the same support she gives me when I need it the most. Perhaps she needs release from the expectations of being a man. Who doesn't want to feel pretty? Dressing up, getting compliments always picks up my self-esteem. I can't deny that. Regardless of pronoun I love her. She is two different sides of the same coin. I love the man more than the woman, but that is who I fell in love with. She knows how I feel and we have both made compromises that make our relationship stronger.
Know that your significant other may not always react the way that I did, this is just our story. Everyone takes things differently. I had years to deal with my boyfriend's secret desires to be a crossdresser.
Those secrets can hurt, even if you love that person and you may be afraid of what will happen if that secret comes out. Your partner may sense there is something you're not telling them. It's like a band-aid, if you peel it off slowly it will hurt so much worse than just ripping it off. If you want your significant other to understand, you must be open and honest with them. It may be hard, but remember you and your significant other can always get support from others here. This site is full of knowledgeable ladies who have once been in your shoes. Let them help you as they are helping Alyce and myself. Know that even if there are dark clouds ahead, there will always be a silver lining to bring hope to the future.
EDITOR NOTE: Crossdresser Heaven has a program exclusively for Significant Others. You'll be able to discuss issues in private with other SOs. Explore our Significant Other Program and contact JaneS if you are interested or would like further information. We would love to welcome you.
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Pandora thank you for the view from the 'other side of the fence'. I like the accompanying photo; although just a stock image I see a fence that offers a boundary, provides an element of security yet isn't a wall that screens off those on either side from the other.
It is always an easy thing to say yet a hard thing to do when we talk about open and honest communication. Fear of hurting each other can sometimes lead us to hide things or at other times it might simply be embarrassment. Although I'd come out to my wife and we'd had some good conversations about my crossdressing I was terrified at first of showing her photos, let alone having her see me in person. It was a fear and embarrassment I was only finally able to overcome after a makeover weekend when she ask me to show her the photos. Her positive comments gave me the courage to begin coming out more.
Being able to share our views with others in similar positions doesn't only apply to transgender people. It also applies to those who love, support and encourage them. Thank you for being one such amazing person.
Thanx for sharing your perspective. I have recently come out to my wife. And though I am thankful for her acceptance and understanding, I would be dishonest if I thought that if my crossdressing did not have an impact on our relationship. As we work explore this dynamic together, it is so nice and helpful to hear of others on such a journey and their success and tribulations. Thank you for sharing.
MacKenzie
When I first told my wife about my cross-dressing she reacted much like you did. She felt hurt insulted and scared about the future of our 33 year relationship. Since then she has become much more accepting and we have reached some compromises that have helped us go forward. Like so many things in this process of transition,like HRT or learning all the nuances of being a woman like voice, walk, nails, my wife's process of acceptance will take time, and must learn patience. Your article brought this home to me. Thanks for sharing .
Pandora,
What a fabtastic article! My ex-wife was not at all tolerant much less accepting when she discovered my crossdressing one year into our marriage. She almost left then and did end up divorcing me(although not completely due to my dressing.) In our case, I think perhaps she sensed something in me that I was possibly denying to myself-that I also have transgender feelings and MAY end up transitioning in the future though at the time I had NO thoughts of doing so. I am still uncertain of my final destination at this point but am now being honest about that uncertainty with myself and my adult children and siblings and nieces/nephews. I have gotten love and acceptance from all who know about me so far.
Your advice is good-being honest with your partner --and sooner rather than later-is best even if-as in my case-you re uncertain about where your dressing might lead. The breaching of marital trust by hiding things is more toxic than any secret can be, I doesn't mean that the relationship is guaranteed to survive but failing to do so IS likely to lead to failure even faster, Honesty might at the least allow for an amicable breakup and at best might allow compromise nd rekindle a lost flame!
Thank you so much for sharing your story. You and Alyce are both cherished members of our community and I feel blessed to count both of you as part of my dearest friends here!
Cyn
Very well written& Smartly written--(I only wish I could write that well)
Your right about the sneaking around---t destroys relationships--
I do wonder just how men who have hid this for Years---can open up---
I never thought I was that intrested until my wife sort of introduced "Dressing" into our lovelife Now I wish I could be dressed all the time--
She IS helping with my feminizeation(hair/clothes/makeup & even teaching me manerisims --Plus--I'm on herbs to grow breasts----
She saysshe wouldn't be the person she is without my constant encouragement through the yrs--So--I guess she is return the favor--
Looks like I'm pretty lucky compared to most men---However--I've never hid anything important from her--
I think---Everything depends on how open & Honest your relationship is in the first place--
Thank you for sharing your story. I agree that principles like honesty and openness are fundamental to any and all good relationships. You are lucky to have someone with whom you are working together. I believe that I have such a person, after having had the opposite in the past. The ex's infidelity destroyed everything. This one (seemingly) shares everything with me. It's so liberating for both of us, since I too can relax and enjoy and continue exploring this fetish while feeling safe and excited.
Much success ahead to both of us!
Hi Im Jeff.
Morgan encouraged me to give some insight to our relationship and it seemed important to her. We met a long long time ago but in a completely different context. It was my second year teaching and 'he' was one of my students. Not unlike any other, just another kid in the class and when he moved on to the 5th grade, forgotten.
Fast forward 8 years later, last summer actually, It was Milwaukee's pride fest at the lake front. We crossed paths at an art exhibit and started talking about one of the photos on display. Then she asked me if I was Mr. Cole from Allen Field school. I said that I was a while back but now teach middle school.
That's when she said I was her 4th grade teacher. We talked, got reacquainted, spent the rest of the afternoon together talking, taking in the music and excitement, and at the end of the day I drove her home and we exchanged numbers.
I went home and dug out the old class pics. and sure enough. There was Morgan Staar, a boy. Knowing that we were at pridefest it wasn't so much a shock that the cute girl I spent the afternoon with was CD/TG.
I called her, we started seeing each other, we grew closer. She is always self conscious of going out and imagines that people stare at her but I am sure we are being judged by our age difference and not that she was being recognized as something other than female.
In September of 2019 we took the big step and moved in with each other. An even bigger step is that she is being accepted by my circle of friends and associates as my significant other. We are not referred to as Jeff or Morgan but Jeff AND Morgan. Our friends comment that we seem to be attached by the hands and never far apart from each other.
Things are going well. She is happy( I hope) and I am happy. When I am with Morgan my heart races, When I come home from work I am welcomed with a hug and kiss. And now as the nights grow darker and colder her warm touch and glowing smile fill what was once a cold dark lonely home.
Jeff
Pandora,
Thank you for sharing your viewpoint. It seems that one of the recurring themes is the honesty thing. I think I get that but it's sooooo difficult to bring that up from all the fear of revealing this from fear of rejection. I know from a personal perspective, I honestly thought I could stop dressing and that it was just a passing fad. It's not. It's a lifelong "thing".
What I do feel badly about is dragging my lifelong partner into this. This was not her idea of what a marriage would be and she didn't dream of being married to a crossdresser since she was a little girl. that never crossed her mind. She was thinking of the proverbial "white picket fence, 2 car garage, 2 kids, 2.3 dogs and grandkids down the road.
Since I joined this site, I have read numerous articles on here and searched the dot.com machine for other articles sharing the SO perspective, which is what I am eager to read and understand. Why is that? Well, because we as CD'ers all think and say, oh, it's just clothing. I choose to wear women's clothes. but, to the SO, it's far more complicated than the simplified statement we CD'ers put forth.
The usual questions pop up. Is he gay? Does he want to transition? Where to I fit in? How does this affect "ME"???? Those are all valid and legitimate questions that require legitimate and valid answers. the trouble is.....Most women have no clue what's involved. But, they do know it's very unsettling. They didn't bargain for this.
The other concerns women have is this. Where do they fit in with this arrangement? Does the CD like his corset or panties and bra more than he does her? That's a big deal to women. THEY, as it turns out, want to be NUMBER ONE with their spouse. I read a lot about women or SO's having insecurities. I wasn't sure that the source of that issue was. Is this going to result in them living alone in an apartment with 5 cats? This is a big deal, as it turns out. How is their sex life going to be? And, it seems that "they" have to "BOTH" attend some sort of counseling as a result of this proclivity. is that really fair? Fact is, she was fine till she met "you". This gets awfully complicated, doesn't it?
I think that the best course and route to overcoming these hurdles and obstacles is to better understand what the SO goes through and do our absolute best to address those concerns and resolve them and put them to bed. How best do we do that?
I love the way you look at the full picture.
