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If there is an angel who hands out blessings to crossdressers, then I received many in my lifetime. But, it seemed to me that every blessing also came with a curse. I was one of the lucky girls who had a mother who would play dress up with me as a child. The curse that came with the blessing was that I was an effeminate boy, and paid the price at school in some horrible ways. I had just turned seven when a boy tried to kill me by drowning at the beach. I had to fight to survive, but damage was done. Water from Long Island Sound had gotten into my sinuses and caused an abscess. My left eye ended up swollen shut and I had terrible headaches. My doctor misdiagnosed the problem as a virus and I suffered for a week before my mother took me to an eye doctor. I was having emergency surgery a few hours later. The surgeon said I had only about an hour to live when he operated. I came out of it with a scar and a Paris Hilton style lazy eye. It can be seen in the photo of me above.
Other incidents included when a much older boy dragged me by my hair a good distance on concrete. In middle school, I worked up the courage to ask a girl out only to be told that I was so ugly I had better get used to being alone. By the time I was seventeen I knew I was different and not normal. I realized I was a freak and none of the girls I was attracted to would ever want anything to do with me. I began drinking heavily and started smoking weed. I was suffering from major depression and was having a lot of suicidal thoughts. By age twenty I had given up on ever having a life with a woman. I was a freak and no woman would want an ugly freak who liked dressing up in satin. By that time, I had excised all my effeminate traits and came across as a regular guy.
I tried running from what I was by leading a crazy life of adventure after crazy adventure. I found work as an adult bookstore clerk, and when nobody was looking I would read the transvestite magazines that were for sale there. I would despise myself for my weakness in looking at those magazines. I also did things like go to a lingerie shop to buy pretty things, only to purge a few weeks later. I always felt crushing guilt after one of those secret trips to shop. I tried all the usual ways CDs attempt to run away from themselves.
I even tried joining the military, but bad knees kept me from passing the physical. Then I tried to run by becoming a bodybuilder, but I didn't just lift weights. I heated my house with wood and would cut over three cords of hardwood with no truck and no chainsaw. I would drop trees with an ax and then chop them into logs I could carry out on my shoulder. I carried logs so heavy the ground would shake when I dropped them. Then I cut them with a hand saw and split them with a sledge hammer and wedges. I would also run up a mountain every other day on a six mile run, where the first two miles were all uphill. On off days I ran a half mile with a half a concrete block in each hand. I pushed my body to its limits and beyond with each and every workout.
By age 27 I still had never gone on a date. I discovered that I could never become strong enough or fast enough to escape what I was. I stopped purging, but I was still a lingerie-only CD. I also began going to bridal shops to buy satin gowns at that time, but thought there was no point in even trying makeup or a wig because I would just look so awful. It was also around that time when I began making trips to New York City to see professional femdoms as a client, to explore my crossdressing fantasies. At age 32, I met a mistress named Anya and she took me home. She became the first woman I ever dated. She is still my dearest friend 30 years later.
She planted a seed of self esteem in me for the first time in my life. I was hanging out with her one afternoon when she had a call from a man asking her out for that afternoon. She told him she was with someone special that day, but maybe another time. I asked who it was. I can't say the name, but every one of you would know who he is. She turned down a date with an iconic pop star to hang out with me.
One day while she was working, I made a trip to Lee Brewster's boutique for crossdressers and drag queens and purchased a wig and a pretty satin dress. Anya gave me a makeover using her own cosmetics and when I looked in the mirror I saw potential for the first time in my life.
Just before turning 35, I decided to dress fully and attempt makeup. I sat on my bed with a mirror and proceeded to make an absolute mess of things. I was never artistic and had shaky hands. It seemed hopeless but I practiced and then practiced some more. When I thought I was seeing an acceptable result I went out and bought a Polaroid camera and used a long pole to press the shutter. Those first photos were not very good, but I took a giant leap of faith and submitted them to all the contact magazines that existed, advertising myself as a CD dominatrix. My first time out the door dressed was to do an out-call session seeing another CD about 40 miles from home. I was scared out of my mind and had a major panic attack, but I made myself do it. Soon, I was a very busy girl, driving all over PA, MD, NJ, DE, WV and DC dressed in fetish wear. That was scary!
By 1996 I was working one day a week at a dungeon in New Jersey. By 1997 I had achieved my ultimate fantasy to work full-time at a dungeon in Manhattan. I was less than two years out of the closet when I became the queen of NYC for a year. I was suddenly on all kinds of magazine covers and writing stories and articles for Feminine Illusion and Adam As Eve. Adam As Eve was sold on newsstands so my face was all over NYC.
The month I was on that cover I was taking the Staten Island Ferry in drab when a street preacher looked right at me and proclaimed that, “God made Adam and Eve, not Adam as Eve." That was a very freaky moment. Undeterred, I went all over the city dressed as a dominatrix, standing about 6'11 in my high heels. I even went and did an out-call session at the Marriott Marquis in Times Square. That was the best night of my life as Barbie.
Whereas most CDs work hard to avoid exposure, I worked ten times harder to make myself known to every human being on earth. I didn't manage that, but I did a pretty good job of it. I can't even guess at how many people have seen at least one of my photos - it must be in the millions. Other than that one street preacher, nobody ever identified my male self as being Barbie. I can understand why most girls want to keep their photos out of the public eye. I never experienced any fallout until I posted a photo of myself as Barbie on Classmates.com, yet it was the right thing to do for me. I feel like I accomplished something as Barbie and refused to hide it away from my old classmates. I think one of the biggest impediments many girls have is the need for safety in all things, but nobody ever accomplished anything great in this world by playing it safe. I don't regret a single wild adventure I had out in the world doing things that would terrify most girls. I regret I didn't have even more of them.
The final curse and the final blessing were one in the same: simply fame. I strived for fame harder than anyone else I have ever met. As the old saying goes, ”Be careful what you wish for because you might just get it." While fame opens many doors, it closes just as many. Above I've shared the earliest photo I have of myself. As you can see, my start was not very impressive, but I worked at it. Other than having a smile line filled, I had no facial surgery. Anyone being honest would see that photo and tell me my dreams were delusional. But the power of your mind can change how you look. I think if you believe in yourself you can accomplish almost anything.
Barbie
Thank you Barbie for sharing your story which is very interesting and way beyond what most of us will ever do but is comforting somehow to know a sister CD has done that and is here to share with us closet dwellers. You have actually lived some of our fantasies that we can only dream of.
So sorry about your situation and I wish you the best in life and hope you can overcome your current difficulties. We all grow older and change is the only thing that is constant. I'm sure you will find your way as we all do because we have no other choice.
Barbie,
I've seen your replies to many posts on the forums. You have had plenty of great advice for us. Now you've written a wonderful article. You have overcome much. I hope you can overcome anything that comes your way now. I for one would love to reach the level of beauty you have in this old photo. Yes, I've seen your other's, you are beautiful. And I'm worried about going out at 5'7". I've noticed lately how many women are taller than me!
You are an inspiration to everyone you touch. I will look with greater interest in you comments when I see them.
You have friends here,
Gwyn
Barbie I have enjoyed every conversation we've had. If it's a life you want to put behind you then do it. There are parts of mine I don't care to live anymore. The past is always going to be part of your present but that doesn't me an you have to let it in or live it. It's like past today or do I choose the present today time. Don't continue to feel shame, it's not your fault. You did what you did at the time because you were suppose to, then you decided you didn't want that life anymore and you chose to leave it, and did. Do not be ashamed of your past, it's what has made you who you are today! Here anytime for you.
Hi Barbie, you know just how much I love your stories, but every time I hear one of them I am so grateful to be your friend. You have been through so much (both good and bad) yet you have never lost that 'can-do' attitude that I find so remarkable. Keep the stories coming, because we all need inspiration these days. Much love, Paulette
Oh wow, Barbie! Thank you so much for this article, it certainly puts my humdrum experiences into perspective. I'm definitely someone who plays it safe, a lifelong habit of mine, but I wish I had a modicum of your courage. You found one heck of a way to be 'out and about'! The one thing I'm most envious of though...I've never made a friend like your Anya. She sounds like quite a gal.
I hope you feel like writing more articles for CDH because you have some interesting perspectives to offer here, although some of the stuff we might want to know wouldn't get past the moderators. Save those stories for your memoirs.
I wish you all the best. Amy x
Than you Amy.
I am afraid this is the last anyone here will hear from me. I just made this account to say goodbye.
I suspect Eve was quite beautiful, so I guess the street preacher gave you quite the compliment! There's nothing more courageous than being the real you! You've got a good heart. Well done!
shame--that was never an issue with me--(I don't think)--It was just how to get along is this world--How to fit in--& that continues to this day-- The ONLY thing that makes me keep "Dressing" mostly under wraps is that I need my job-
Thanks for sharing your fascinating story and for reminding us all that anyone can accomplish what they dream if we believe in ourselves. I'm sure you can more ably apply this to your own loneliness, financial, and medical issues than many could. I think it always helpful to remember that for every curse there is a blessing of even greater magnitude. Not everyone will understand us or, respect us for who we were created to be, or give us what we think we need, but those who accept us and befriend us, even in ways many would consider small, are gems to be even more cherished because they stand out above the crowd and make life worth living. They help us give thanks for what we have, even in the midst of suffering.
Hello Barbie Satin,
Firstly, let me state how sad and sorry I am to hear you have had such a terrible medical set of issues that has stifled your career and dressing as Barbie.
Secondly, I shared a different but shared journey from Willaim into Willa as you had. I was a secretive cross dresser from age 12 to 19 using my sister's attire secretively. I was an athlete in school a football player and a state wrestling champion, and I was in the jock/popular crow as well as friends with the nerd groups. I was popular with the girls too, but I had to hide my feminine side and desires for fear of peer and familial rejection. I always worked out and worked on rural farmer in the summer for farmers. Entered the Army at age 19 and off I went to a very non accepting world of anything gay or trans in 1984. I was very successful in the Army career for my physical strength and wrestling and MMA Skills coupled with a higher IQ. After 11 years I left the Army to marry a woman, and to become a major US city police officer in 1995 again where the gay/trans lifestyle was reason for termination for males. Once I was divorced in 2007. I decided that I would bring William to Willa as a great heart's desire. I bought lingerie, costumes, and heels and once the Christian, family, and career lifelong bombardment of that is not right or human to do set in. I purged my wears a couple different times. Then the struggle to accept myself as Willa became too strong to deny any further. So, through a dating site I met a retired Ex-Dominatrix that lived one state away from me. She picked out my secret desires from the wording in my dating profile right away. She then offered to support and to teach me about all things feminine (wigs, make up application, accessorizing the look, Total body hair removal, stance and appearance and presentation). This was all done through phone calls and tutorial videos with the Ex-Dominatrix after about three quarters of a year of this I had everything down pretty pat and then told the lady I was quite fond of her and wanted to drive to meet her even as Willa for my first real life outing. She then terminated our friendship and contact. Like you I am a forestry farm owner, macho careers, body builder, and wrestling/MMA practitioner that chose to develop and to become effeminate Willa secretively while publicly maintaining my William status. So, there are a lot of similarities to our stories and some differences. I am only 5'10'' flat footed and 6'2'' at the highest heels I have worn. and been out in public quite often as Willa. I have yet to be recognized as a male cross dressed as of yet and have found out how terrible natural women are objectified by males. It was quite shocking even in broad daylight to have a man exit his car after his wife exited it entering into the rest stop, I just walked out of following me to my truck to ask for sex. F Off was my answer as I backed out away from him.
I truly enjoyed reading your story and love your looks (I have seen you on other sites where I stared nearly all of your pics).
So, God bless, and I pray a speedy return for you to your Satin Barbie life.
Sincerely in admiration,
Willa
You are a true inspiration. I've reinvented myself over and over just to avoid looking at myself. Accepting myself. I truly believe as you captivated us girl here on CDH, as you did back in the day being a dominatrix. You still hold the one thing, that one person who was there at every party, gathering, every where Barbie was. This may be idealist or just plainly crazy; Sell your memories. Sell you one last time. Now, is the best time. Get in on the trend. The LGBTQIA2S+ is trending. Get in while it's hot. I would definitley want to read. I am sorry if I am out of line and over-stepped. So not my intention. You will always be you. I can only hope to find my own courage to not hide in fear as you have. Thank you for your article. Thank you for being a CD. And thank you for being here on CDH, to be a part of my journey.
xoxo
I created a new account to let you all know I am no longer a member. I will also be deleting this account in a few minutes. I didn't want you all to think I was ignoring your nice comments. I could not reply because I closed my account after having my forum posts censored. I also realized I was upsetting some of you just by existing. I will not stay where I am not wanted and I am not wanted here.
Also some of you who know I have left have replied as if I was still a member. Why?
Please do not make anymore replies to me directly because this account will be closed.
Barbie, Hi............Thank You for sharing that..............hope you will be back.......would like to girl talk with you .........share stories ........it's so hard to be........ this kind of girl .......karley
