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I don’t know about you, but I wonder where I fit within the broad definition of crossdressing. There is more to it than what meets the casual eye, especially the eye of those who judge us. By now, those who have been around this site for any length of time have come to see, first; we aren’t alone, and secondly; we are a broad and diverse group. So shall we…
I’ve stated it before. We are more than the extreme definition of male or female. Those terms fit better near each end of the spectrum. Those in many circles would say there isn’t any room in between them. We all know (and most likely anyone with conscious thought) that there is more middle than end. Just as there is a difference mentally and physically between manly men and starlet females there are vast thought and physical differences in the CD universe. We even fight amongst ourselves about what is and what should be included or excluded.
If you were a kid who had a hankering for your sister’s panties, were you a crossdresser or just had a fetish? Most of us will acknowledge that this is how we may have started before dipping our painted toes into the realm of womanhood, instead fixating on the tapestries of femininity to start. Things like nylons, slips, bras, perfume, high heels, lipstick, etc. Our fixation on certain aspects without a desire to present as female. Most often associating it with sexuality. If I still felt this way in my forties, I’d consider it more of a fetish rather than being a burgeoning crossdresser. You may disagree, fine by me, but I feel that the broader category for a crossdresser is more than wanting to wear objects of the opposite gender as defined.
A crossdresser isn’t someone who just steps into their first pair of heels, they are explorers of femininity and consumed by the thought of it, much enough that they alter their physical appearance (in whatever manner they can or get away with) to make presenting female easier. I pluck my eyebrows and keep my face cleanly shaven having done so since I was in my twenties. No unibrow for me, but back then my fetish was for high heels and nylons. The thought of going all in was but a distant thought. There was one period where I did have a goatee, but I did so in defiance of those feminine thoughts. And yet… they were a sign nevertheless of a journey to come.
I’m going to exclude drag as I believe it is a special form all on its own. There are similarities and differences. Let’s also skip the growth cycle of becoming that established crossdresser. I was a kid that liked? Later I started adding… but fought those feelings, until I came more or less to the point where I logged on to CDH and realized many others feel the same way.
You’re an adult and are you Girly? Feminine? Or a Woman? In Brina’s eye, those of us who are girly are drawn to certain specifics associated with femininity. We are more than just admirers of the look on (genetic or otherwise) individuals; we are excited by and covet said items for ourselves. I use high heels as my example. I can’t stop watching women walk in them (online or in person) and wonder how they would feel and look on me.
If you add Feminine into the equation, I’m also keeping my toenails painted (legs most likely shaved) and have a collection of heels in my closet or hideaway. One who feels they are more Woman than man is considering how long they could wear them, could they walk comfortably in them, and how expensive are they, and do they really have anything to wear with them or are they just creating a huge buying experience.
Are there boundaries to cross (pun there) that take us from one level to the other? How do we know when or which one we are? Truthfully… it may fluctuate daily or even over long periods. You may be in Feminine and then your wife has a baby, and you revert to Girlie to survive. Balance in one’s life is the thing of importance. In a similar fashion, an avid golfer gives up the majority of a golf season to help his family adapt to the baby. He may still get in some rounds but not in the same frequency. The opposite is also true. The obsession with golf grips him and he is on the course daily, with new clubs, has his own cart, and is playing at the expense of other things that maybe should be taking priority.
I bounce back and forth between Feminine and Woman, even into transgender. There is a differential in my assertion of a Crossdressing “Woman” and being transgender. To me, the biggest point is the absolute feeling of being in the wrong body and the gender dysphoria. I don’t hate my body, I would be happier if I had a full bosom, smaller feet, no facial or body hair, and (undecided on little Johnny…) In the Woman category, we want it all but still have the capacity to be the “Man” that others expect. I think this is where many of us feel that we may be the woman and are instead crossdressing as a man to keep up appearances. I’ve said it before, I’d love to move somewhere new and establish myself as two people who just happen to never be seen together. A true CD’s dream.
Before you start asking where or who is included and whether there are more specifics; what I’m trying to point out is that there is a pattern many of us have taken as we move through our lives. It is where we settle that is the biggest difference. We have all the same similarities; some are wrought with more passion and urge while others find more consistency and satisfaction in having all the necessities available for when they are needed (the frequency to change and not be defined.) I love the look of the “French maid,” I don’t own an outfit but would go out on Halloween in one. Same with some of the other outliers that some of us contend don’t count as being a CD but are more fetish-oriented. I tend to include them because many of those instances will lead a movement to the Feminine or Woman later. And Fetish is where many of us started. My caveat for this is where you are or have always been (generally with sexual gratification) obsessed with certain objects that are female in nature.) An example may be excessively high-heeled, thigh-high boots. It’s more about the object and not the female representation.
We all want to belong, to understand the feelings that plague us, to find some form of peace with who and what we are, and to the eventual point of acceptance and appreciation of what being a crossdresser entails. It isn’t, let me say that again, isn’t about wearing the clothes of the opposite gender. It is the fascination of femininity and finding our individuality in expressing it. It might include a hidden stash of items to full-blown closets full of evening dresses and clothing along with drawers stuffed with more makeup and accessories than the majority of women own, to wanting or establishing a public female persona where our manhood becomes more the secondary consideration, though still vitally important to maintain our existence.
I hope this helps, brings you a little comfort, or at worst, brings back some fond memories of your journey. Until next time, be safe, be free of anxiety, and let the moments when you can be dressed be wonderful and meaningful…
I spend perhaps more time and energy than I should pondering my motivations for dressing as a woman. Like you, I have come up with different answers at different stages in my life and is often shaped by in my emotional state at the moment. At various times, I have considered the possibility that I might have an addiction or compulsive disorder, a fetish, or be transgender. All of these explanations are plausible and none are mutually exclusive.
As a thought experiment, if a psychologist or therapist asked me how I would want to live in an ideal situation, assuming I entirely free to do as I wished, with no concerns about the expectations or reactions of others. Would I want to live as a woman full-time today? My answer would be “YES”.
My answer might have been the same as a child or young adult, but in those days I had little understanding about women’s lives, so perhaps the the answer would have been less meaningful. And of course, I don’t live in that perfect world. I live with constraints, as most of us do. As I get older, it seems I am getting better at living with and accepting those constraints.
Thanks again for provoking these thoughts!
Kim
Excellent summation and points. There are so many analogies that have been and ones that I've used to try and explain the multitude of feelings surrounding being what we are. It is way more complicated than those who try to box us believe. Like you, given the restraint-free decision, I would say yes all the way to womanhood, but that isn't an option unless one chooses to ignore everyone else in their lives... or have come to that point where in is a necessity to live. Thank you for sharing and the comments!
Perhaps another, more positive way of thinking about it is “we make the best of what we are given.”
I lived much of my life thinking that it was impossible for me to live any part of my as a woman. I have so much more than that!
@kimdl94 Yes! “we make the best of what we are given.”
And in my case - that includes family and friends... personally I can't put my needs/wants ahead of theirs. And like you suggested. There are ways around that. 😊
Nobody gets hurt and Dani gets another day.
@kimdl94 I love the psychologist question "would you want to live as a women full time....". Wow, that really got me thinking, and I too came up with the answer "YES"...but unfortunately and as you mentioned we dont live in a vacuum or a perfect world.
Over the years I have got much better of living with both myself and Elaine, and have always made time to enjoy being Elaine, although in mosts instances for too shorter period of time.
Thank you for a great article ...yay !
@bmactavish What you say resonates with me so much. I see it all as a matter of degree. I have found myself move across the spectrum from girly, into feminine and woman. Starting out as crossdresser, I fixated on specific things that I viewed as girly and how they made me feel. Over time, this grew to include feminine things including self care which began to span my male and female personas. As an example, I keep much of my body hair shaved all the time now. As time went on, I evolved into wanting to be more of a woman including my complete presentation and mindset. My mindset is very important since it defines how I relate to the world and how I want the world to relate to me. This all built on my feminine attributes to be much more encompassing to the point where now I actually want to be a woman in every way. Where at one time it would be enough for me to just wear items of women's clothing, I now only do complete transformations, from head to toe. Sure, I still like to stick my polished toes into girly things but now it's not only how they make me feel but also what I want to project to others about me.
Great points! I agree. I haven't thrown my maleness away, but I had a stretch where I had no visitors or reason to go out for six straight days. I tried to be 100% woman the entire time, and it lasted 4 days. The issue for me was wanting to stay in heels all day and in my best outfits rather than pacing it as a typical woman might. What it taught me was that I'm still very much attracted to feminine. I've since begun to enjoy more simple choices and ditching my male items unless going out. It isn't always about looking my best but rather enjoying the essence more, if that makes sense. (I also stay away from mirrors and let the reflection be in my mind's eye.) Thanks for the comments 🙂
@bmactavish I still love girly, feminine things but I have found them to be impractical as I am out more and more as a woman. Now, I'm perfectly happy to wear more casual but still feminine outfits such as leggings or jeans. Occasionally, I'll work in a casual dress or a denim skirt to feed my more girly side. It also helps me to blend in with other women which is something that I am striving to do. Still, I haven't given up on all out girly. I still love to get dressed to the nines with a pretty dress and heels. It's just that now I save that for occasions like most women would.
I understand and agree... noticing the same in my everyday life. Really trying to live more in that "Woman" area and to expand what it might mean for me down the road! Thanks for the additional commentary 🙂
Great thread...the practical nature, not much of a consideration to me initially and still often...and where I find these exact choices interacting now is being with a new partner who likes me to go out, in 6-7" heels, as I love to do yet I now find myself planning some realistic oasis. It's not even the feet outside closing in on 7'! lol But I guess this is "going out" and functional, becomes, "find a seat". Just wished to hop on this one...luv & peace💗
@bmactavish As always you're article resonates very well with me. Most of it is as though you were writing my article. Many of the things you talk about, I've either thought about or maybe tried out. As you sort of inferred the fetish with me is less and less. I still don't think I'm transgender but I certainly am gender fluid/with a touch of gender dysphoria. I can take a look back (hindsight is 20/20 they say) and see in another time or place things might have gone very differently.
At this stage of my life and my situation there has to be a balance and the balance is swinging more to the F rather the M side. Somewhere in the middle you would say. 😊
Thank you for helping to keep me thinking. Thinking, imagining, dreaming are so much better now. xoxo
That sounds like me as well as I read your thoughts. Talking about finding balance is something I try to use frequently in my writing to help others. So often, they feel the need to be either or, but it goes much deeper than that. We have a feminine presence that isn't going away. The best we can do is negotiate internally to find what we can live with, because being unhappy all the time isn't helping anyone. And... like you say, it changes as we move throughout our lives. There was an elderly CD or let me know a couple of years ago that it swung back the other way for them. They were content to read the stories we share but their dressing was over and they were again comfortable in the male version of themself. We shall see where it goes for us. (That might make for an interesting expose next time...)
@bmactavish great article. It’s so awesome to not feel alone in this whirlpool of life.
@bmactavish Thank you once again, Brina, for such a thoughtful article. You described one of my normal responses when someone asks 'why '. Whatever I tell you today may not be what is going going on in my head tomorrow or even the next time hour.
I have settled on where I am on this journey. I am just a crossdresser who has no desire to transition. But the desire to CD is strong and I need to present as female sometimes for days at a time. Because I am comfortable presenting as Cassie full time that is what I am doing.
Cassie
Many of us could use the term settled. I think some may think that it means giving in or up on. It is instead the form of acceptance that lets us proceed. Good comments!
Thanks for your article, Brina. I was just thinking about it this morning while I was writing something I am about to post. Now I remember something. While I was having dinner, in my male person, with a psychiatrist friend earlier this year we talked about a supposed friend (Gisela) and we came to define her as a crossdresser MTF transfeminine with controlled dysphoria who doesn't want to transition for the moment. Although we had never talked about it, I have a suspicion that she knew it was about me. Her farewell was "don't get lost and come see me one of these days".
After reading your article I think I move between feminine and woman.
Great article!
Thanks! I like the comment "Transfeminine with controlled dysphoria." We do move within the CD realm more than most realize. You hear it used when someone states they are in a "Pink Fog." For the most part, I don't shut my woman off and on. Only on those vacations with the guys or hectic schedules that don't allow me time to partake. Even then, I'm thinking it. That alone puts me more in the "Woman" stage but I still like to be "Dressed up" rather than conventional as a woman might. I'm in a skirt and looking good to dust the furniture or cook supper not in sweats.
Thank you Brina for a very timely article from my point of view 🙂 I'm currently living full-time en femme, having built up a collection of everything I need to do so, but with no prior crossdressing experience behind me except what I've had in the brief couple of years since I recognised my first girly inclinations. I'm definitely in the Feminine category so far in terms of this article, but this summer is about allowing the feminine side of my personality to develop as she might by living as her.
Like you, I'd love to have the natural figure and smaller hands, feet and facial features to truly reflect her, but I don't dislike my male body for what it is, and I've never felt uncomfortable in it. I feel very comfortable being out and about in society in the female presentation that I can now achieve, and I'm sure that comfort level will only increase. I'm probably veering towards Woman, but only so far for the moment.
I feel our opinions differ on what is transgender though. I consider myself transgender as in, I'm not at or near either endpoint of the sliding scale of masculinity/femininity, and also because I have moved away from a male-only presentation. Specifically I identify as bi-gender, presenting either fully male or as near as I can manage, fully female. Do I want to consider steps to feminise my male body through surgery, or transition to become female hormonally? From where I stand now, the former might be a future possibility, the latter probably not. From where I could be standing by the end of the summer, who knows?
Thanks for the comments 🙂 Woman is what I added to bridge that gap between wanting to proceed with surgeries and hormones to better reflect the woman you feel you are (trans) to wishing I had... longer hair, smooth skin, etc. but without the desire to fully commit. I know many would agree with you and consider my "Woman" to be transgender. I think of it as the bridge between. I didn't come to this easily, as I've proclaimed (to myself) many times that I think I'm transgender, but when I start to take that initial step, something inside of me pulls me back. I don't doubt that if I started HRT, I'd probably be happier, maybe feel more me. I just don't know because I have more questions than answers. Thanks again!
I think that is true for many of us. I would find it more rare that a crossdresser never had certain items they crushed on and went from being all man to all in as a CD. Thanks for the comments 🙂
Thank you Brina, for another heart felt look into your own journey and being willing to share it with us. When reflecting on my own journey, I know that when I was only three years old I knew I was supposed to be a girl. That thought, that feeling, that dream, that maybe I was a girl, never left me. When dressing in feminine attire I always considered what I was wearing to be "my clothes." I have been dressing in those clothes as often as possible since I was 14 years of age. So I definitely place myself in the "Woman" category.
I finally reached a point in my journey where the voice of "The Woman Inside" could no longer be ignored, and it was time to set her free. I transitioned almost three years ago to living as a woman 24/7. Where my life's journey got really interesting took place a year ago, on May 25, 2023.
How I've always felt, and what I'd always known, finally came true! I had to go to the local ER because I developed a medical issue common to women. After some tests, and waiting several hours, I met with a lady doctor who changed my life. She told me she'd read through my medical records and proceeded to tell me things about myself that I was only vaguely aware of, and asked many questions about my puberty. She asked if any doctor had ever mentioned intersexuality and I said not that I could recall. She told me that my chromosomes are XXY, I have very high estrogen levels, I have always had what is called Partial Androgen Insensitivity syndrome. She said I had come in with something quite unique for a woman, I had a Urinary tract infection due to my "unique anatomy." You came in identifying as a trans woman, but you're much more, you are an intersex person.
She placed her hand on my knee and said, "Lauren, you are a woman!"
How does one calmly hear such news and not react emotionally? It was so validating, How I had always felt, what I always "knew", was actually true! I am an intersex female, I am a woman!
I am in the process of writing a book about my journey, and I have to tell you that learning that I'm intersex has been a very emotional roller coaster ride, with many questions answered, and many missing pieces of a very large puzzle finally falling into place.
I am a woman!
Wow, great story. I hope others will stop to read it! Thanks for sharing and for the comments! 🙂
Sabrina, you did it again.. you piqued my interest in another thought provoking article.,and you never disappoint in your articles to explain my (and many others) CD journey… I can truly relate (and admit) to your comment: “In the Woman category, we want it all but still have the capacity to be the “Man” that others expect. I think this is where many of us feel that we may be the woman and are instead crossdressing as a man to keep up appearances”.. in my man mode and do not have the opportunity to express my feminine “alter ego”, I refer it as femme withdrawal..
Thank you again Sabrina for a timely article I am sure you will receive many compliments and comments about your article..
Warmest regards, Leonara 🌹
Thanks, Leonara for the comments! I never know what my topic will be as it just "Hits" and I go with it. I had another member tell me they were purging and didn't believe they would be back, wanting my input. Having been on this site, and in my personal journey, along with being the puzzle person I am, I've seen the patterns. Many others do, too. I thought I'd add some more clarity... from my perspective. Have a great weekend 🙂
great read Brina. We seem to haev similar paths and perspectives relating to our cross dressing journey
Thanks! I try to offer some worthwhile insights to others that may be helpful to them as they try to figure all of this out.
I would say you article hit the nail correctly is many aspects. I so admired the way the girls in Catholic school appealed to me to be one of them. Yes now I know the attraction was the starched and ironed jumpers swishing as they passed. Later as we all grew, they into nylons, bras, and the intoxicating scent of all that they were, I so wanted that for me! I was enthralled with the items for sure and sought out to acquire as well as test out the feelings of awakening something. My first real girlfriend at 16 explored the sharing of all her things with me, often spending hours as the girls together. Later In the Navy she would send me Shalimar scented nylons, panties and garter belts. About that time I began to wish to present more as the complete girl, hardly the woman that would possibly emerge later in life. Starting with shoes, then mini skirts and blouses I kept the stash secret for years as we had separated during my tours in Nam, marrying a cold woman who never accepted or really loved me as either a man or a crossdresser was a life mistake. After a divorce and reconnecting with said first love things progressed. I was suddenly accepted and encouraged to explore the most feminine, though private, way of dressing and life. Laura's wardrobe and all she dreamed to be obsessed me, often thinking of living as the woman full time as we moved to a new community.
Your final paragraph is exactly where Laurie is today. it is not about the clothes or the excitement I still experience. The comfort, of everyday acceptance, of internally knowing this is where I belong. The satisfaction obtained when a glance to the mirror reveals, yes that IS me. The nails can come off, the breast forms put away, makeup vanished completely, yet there is always tomorrow for both of us.
Great comments! Thank you for sharing some of your personal story. Sounds like you have part of the dream many of us search for, the SO who not only lets us be who we are but is also encouraging. Hopefully, mine is out there looking for me...
I am happy and comfortable as I am. I'm male with the need to dress in a feminine way on a reasonably regular basis. For me it's about looking and feeling glamourous and stems from a real thought that female clothes are so much nicer and more exciting than male clothes. For me it is a way of relaxing, learning to be kind to myself, having fun and letting go of things that stress and worry me. The feeling of being pampered or pampering myself is a fabulous way of letting go.
That's that Feminine stage where I was trying to find my balance between loving everything woman and still believing I am a man who crossdresses. The better I could emulate the happier I was. The sensations that came from wearing the clothes brought euphoria and hope as they erased the negativity from my male life. I felt like I had two personas. That next stage is where you begin to blend them more together to find a central core that encapsulates both feminine and male attributes. Thank you for the comments.
@bmactavish Thanks, as I am still relatively early into the journey I have wondered if I would feel how you describe in future.
Thank you Sabrina for your interesting article. I'm new here but have read some of your other writing too and have been intrigued.
I don't totally follow some of your points here, (my fault not yours, I'm hopeless when it comes to terminology). However I think I get the general gist.
As a very introverted person my sense of femininity has always been very internal. As a child I lay in bed at night not imagining that I was my favourite fictional female characters but actually being them if that makes sense. It was a reality that I sensed I had to keep a secret but didn't really trouble me at all.
I doubt I tried my mother's clothes very much at that time, or no more than many kids. But I think I was around eight or nine when I asked for a female doll for Christmas, and got it unbelievably. I think of that doll as the object of my very first purge. I threw it away a few weeks after getting it. Something must have been troubling me.
At thirteen I started wearing makeup, quite publicly, and I suppose this represents my first attempt at expressing myself externally (if I don't include the doll). It ended disastrously. So I slipped back 'inside' again. I discovered matriarchal religion and this gave me an outlet for my feminine instincts too, a reconnecting with myself, but in a purely internal way . Matriarchy ended badly too.
I suppose my life has been this constant toing and froing of my internal and external realities. That's all I had to say really.
Thanks again for your splendid article.
Maddy
I know all about the introverted side and that inner voice that tells us the outside isn't in sync with our insides. I used to wish for that magical moment when I could alter the outside to coincide with my inside (and... to do it guilt free). I write a lot about balance because I have regretted every purge and attempt in the past to end that inner part. Had I embraced it earlier, would my life be one that is in a better place today. I don't know, but being 40 instead of in my sixties and expressing the way I do today would have been exciting. Thank you for the comments!
I too am introverted. I can relate very well to what you are saying. Good luck in your (our) continuing journey.
😊
That was a wonderful accounting of the journey many of us including me have been on. Yes, trying to figure out where we are in this feminine journey while still being the person the world expects of us. Thank you, Sabrina!💋💋💋
Another great thought provoking piece Brina. In this modern world there is such a diversity of terms, analysis and psychology on offer which makes interesting debate but also confusion.
I am probably around your age Brina so when young there wasn't anything to refer to. I just knew that I wanted to be like the other girls and took every opportunity to wear the clothes and emulate them as in my mind I was one. I didn't know about chromosomes, bodily differences but soon learned that I was classed as a boy and had to conform. By puberty I understood there were these differences but it didn't change my inner feelings but had to conform.
Once I started coming out it became clear that I had many female attributes in my nature and was never the alpha male, I knew girls who had more masculine traits than me. It was easy for me to talk to girls on their level and for them to be comfortable with me in their groups.
I have accepted that my body isn't what it should be and of course would have wished for a female body but it is what it is but can present as an acceptable woman, even women wish for a better body so we are the same on that score.
I have a simplistic view, I am a woman, always have been, always will be. I have been one person, I haven't two sides as it was society and the norms that made me dress and live as a boy, hormones dictated sexuality and urges but nothing could change the way I feel.
Others can decide how they see me and psychoanalyse all they want. This is me - end of....
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Some of us, like you, have more certainty in who they are, regardless of the physical realities they face. I sit on the fence, as I'm guessing many others do. I can't say I've been able to look in a mirror and say, "I'm a woman," with utter conviction. I can easily say, "I wish I were a woman," and ponder that notion continually. Would being on HRT switch on that light? Maybe, probably. I have always been good at empathy, most likely why I write fiction. Thanks again for commenting 🙂
What a wonderful article. I love your perspective on things Sabrina.
Great article Sabrina and could relate to so much of it myself. I thought maybe it was a fetish at first since most of us experienced it during puberty but for whatever reason, I found myself enjoying and expressing myself as a girl with time. From grade school on I always admired the clothing and behavior of other girls. I loved the clothing and appearance of all the things the girls could do to express themselves. Over the years I have enjoyed it at various stages and developed a strong female side to my life. I am certainly happier being now in full female mode when out and greatly enjoy this side of me knowing now it isnt a sexual thing but a character and personality trait that I find comfort in.
Yes, there is that common progression that many of us recognize, from fetish to womanly acceptance. Many similarities. I believe we still keep some of those inklings-- my love of heels has only deepened, but now it is expressed within my overall presentation. Only recently, have I found comfort in flats, tennis shoes, or sandals, the same with wearing jeans, shorts, or leggings instead of my dress or skirts. That slow morph into more of the woman stage and not just feminine. Thanks for the comments! 🙂
I think that I am slipping gradually from part-time to full-time. Since coming out of the closet I have no constraints. I do notice that the dresses and high heels are reserved for evenings out, or a dinner with my girlfriend. The pretty being replaced with practical, jeans, denim skirts tee's and trainers seem to be my new norm. I think the need to be overly female has waned as I do not have to adhere to a couple of hours here or a day there.
My make up goes on in 15min and I'm out the door and in the supermarket without being aware of the way I present. Am I transgender, I really don't know... but better, I don't care. I always feel like a man dressed as a woman. I just prefer how I look 'en femme' and no longer feel different from the rest of society and now own the space I live in.
This journey has felt like being caught in a tsunami, being pulled from where I was to place I have never been.
it was a thought provoking article, thank you.
That was a fantastic reply! The embodiment of what I was trying to convey. Being in the "Woman" stage isn't a declaration of being transgender but realizing it might be, but more importantly, recognizing that being female or female-like is more the path forward. I'm happy for you as you seem to have found the thing I tell others to look for, no matter where they are in their journey, balance. You should write and submit your own article; it would be helpful to others! 🙂
