Welcome to Crossdresser Heaven, a safe and welcoming place for everyone in the crossdresser community.
Join Crossdresser Heaven today to participate in the forums.
I had the best of intentions… but… (fill in the blank with your own reasons.)
I’ll go first! There were several things that I wanted to get done after my Mom passed. Many were started, some even finished, and then Dad had his ongoing year of decline. What once seemed important to me, just wasn’t. We will always have regrets but exactly how many of them are life-changing or would have altered the trajectory of ours or another’s life (negatively or positively?) My bet is; not many.
When I first married, Brina wasn’t even a thought, only a fetish that I couldn’t shake. Still, as time went on I had good intentions, and as I learned more about her and me, I wanted to explain to the ex. I didn’t because she found out I liked women’s clothing by catching me during the first year of our marriage in her prom dress. She didn’t see me, but I had to explain. Her response was, “If I ever catch you again, we’re through!” I hid it well for 22 more years and (thankfully) she did, and we ended what was a bad relationship. The truth is that I had good intentions not to tell because of our girls. In the end, they found out the wrong way as my ex swore me to secrecy and then ranted about it to them. We talked about it once (separately with each one) and it has never been broached again… (my good intentions to try now are still being procrastinated.) Should I? Should they? They are smart, and I’m betting they have noticed and accepted our silent, acknowledged understanding. I felt more of a need to keep it as such while taking care of my parents; now it doesn’t matter unless I…
I what? Want to live the rest of my life as a woman, a crossdresser, or in between. At what point do they, or anyone that matters to me need (have, should, ought) to know about my uncertainties? How many times have I nearly blurted out to my girls or best friend what I’m going through; good intentions, but… the timing isn’t right; I’m just not sure enough to say what I want; why should I tell them. The road to hell is paved with good intentions.
Here is my rationale. As a single person without the responsibilities of taking care of my parents anymore, I can live my life as I see fit, not as much any longer as “They see fit!” I hesitated in the past to give in to “good intentions” and divulge for their and my sake. I could tell my girls easily enough, maybe invite one or both to go on a girl’s trip. It might be fun! It might also be the end of a relationship or the start of a better one. You supply me with the odds, and I might give it a go. I hate conflict, avoid it unless faced with it, and then I fly through it by the seat of my pants—usually coming out unscathed. How many times I’ve dreamed of opening a store (here in my conservative small town that would cater to those like us) and flaunting my femineity all over town… good intentions, which will never (most likely ever) happen here. I have a four-bedroom house that I could have guests and parties at, clothes, shoes, and accessories to share, but being an introvert, I love my space, peace and quiet… good intentions.
I can write; that I can continue to do. One good intention was to start a blog and do my best to help others! Check! As a novelist, I wrote a short novella and was ready to pounce on the opportunity to become the next great (somewhat trans, crossdressing, gender-neutral) author. I wrote a 300-page novel with a Crossdressing character… six years ago… good intentions. I’ve been through it a few times and never completed it through the editing process (before you ask; I am now.) How many in the series will I be able to finish before nodding off into the sunset depends on my “Good Intentions.” It’s quite possible that my world as an author will converge when I do so, maybe not at first, but I can see it happening. And that may be my coming out party.
All my editing of the articles here on this site and over on Transgender Heaven has helped my writing. It also fuels my good intentions. Sharing my thoughts with you in this column feeds those same intentions. Helping others express theirs does as well. This site has continued to be one of my best intentions; the place where I can share my thoughts and the occasional pictures. I can’t open the store yet, but I decided to package up some of the over-abundance of Brina’s inventory and sell it. I’ve done that in the past, mostly I give it away. The intent is to offer guidance and help along with (my best assessment of) appropriate coordination of items.
I believe the notion that I should take, and I hope you do as well, is that we all share the desire to be good. I’m not sure exactly what the proper definition of that would be… One person’s good is another’s evil. We try to demonstrate this with our good intentions. We tend to chastise ourselves (and I mean from the CD side) when we fail to follow through. I’m fond of saying “The (bowling, golf, basketball) gods had it in for me.” As a bowler just the mere mention of the 10-pin to another will cause it to rear its ugly head. Never say my round today is going great; the golf gods are listening in for such blasphemy. I think there are crossdressing gods out there, too! I know that they have saved me a few times, and equally laughed at me when they put me in precarious situations (ex came home early, couldn’t get the way too small dress back off or reach the zipper…)
It is hard to think of oneself as good or even of good intentions when we deal with the self-imposed stigma of what we are, and what society sees us as. Don’t! And I mean; don’t fall into that thought process. I was there, and it was a lonely, dark place to dwell. What pulled me out was accepting that it is okay to be this… because I am not the only one; so far from it. This site and TGH show us that; the internet bursts with others worldwide like us. Acceptance is not the same as needing to shout it from the top of the mountain or step out of the closet to prove its worth. We each have our own life to live, responsibilities, beliefs, and paths to follow. Find your balance and live the best life you can; may it be full of good intentions because that is far better than no intentions…
Until next time…
(So, before you ask… yes, I plan to have my novel ready sometime this spring. That is my intent…)
@bmactavish Since your ex revealed your secret to your children, I will address that.
It sounds as if you are estranged, a bit, from the girls. It is not uncommon for one parent to pit their children against the other parent, so, if that is the case with you, wouldn't you want to break down that barrier between you? They already know, so confronting the elephant in the room may help all of you.
Your golf/gods thing reminded me of this joke:
A pastor decided to skip church one sunday morning and go play golf.
He told his assistant that he wasn't feeling well. He drove to a golf course in another city, so nobody would know him.
He teed off on the first hole. A huge gust of wind caught his ball, carried it an extra hundred yards and dropped it right in the hole, for a 450-yard hole in one.
An angel looked at God and said "What'd you do that for?" God smiled and said "Who's he going to tell?"
@harriette Not estranged at all. We have a great relationship, do vacations together, events, more so than they do with their mother. I just don't feel the need to broach the subject, not yet, and neither do they. Part of this is not knowing what I am going to settle in as--it changes often. If something happens that escalates the need to talk, I can do so without worry. I appreciate the comments, and love the golf joke, it is one of my favorites.
@bmactavish That's good to hear, better than how it sounded to me.
My doubt, my good intentions prevent me from being Carla, or is it the fear of losing my wife, my current comfortable life, my job. Not being able to be Carla affects me, but I don't want to be Carla 100% either. I envy those of you who have achieved that balance, and I admire those of you who have had the courage to find your way.
Kisses. Carla
You are writing to my message. We each have to find our own balance, the path that lets us live as happily as we can. It doesn't mean perfect, just more tolerable. Thanks for commenting!
What a great article!! Thank you for posting
Hi Sabrina, you took the words from me, I had “good intentions” to write another article but life’s little obligations got in the way lol .. An article is part of my New Year’s resolution for 2024.
my favorite author has done it again … thank you for a wonderful insightful article…
Happy New Year, Sabrina…
warmest regards, Leonara
Great article once again Sabrina!I just love reading them and learning from you. Thank you.Christine T
Love the article. It makes me think of where I am at (just came out to my wife) and where I will end up. I’m torn and love the feeling of being Traci but my wife is having problems with it. Time will tell. My best intentions were to be honest and stop hiding the secret. I also recently told my son and he accepted it very well. Looking forward to more interesting articles. - Traci
Thanks for the comments and for sharing. Best of luck with your wife; may it work out well for you both. 🙂
Good luck with your family! As tough as it can be, it's sometimes nice to out in the light, even. if it's just for a proverbial minute
Your article truly resonates with me. Lately, through studying Stoicism, I have realized that my reputation is beyond my control, and with that the urge to declare Sonja to my world has grown considerably.....but....
Another wonderful article Brina. All I can say is -Carpe diem...
Thank you Brina for your article. You are so right about finding your balance. That word is what my life is all about. I realized that when I was in my 30s. It actually saved my life when I realized that this part of me will always be there.
I think this is the biggest difference between today and back then. Younger CDs have a wealth of information (this site, the internet in general) and a better environment than what it was like in the 1960s-90s. It took me until the internet and sites like this were around to help me overcome all those past stigmas. My balance back then was surviving a bad marriage with kids to protect. Thanks for the comments!
Seems like many of our generation are looking in Your mirror! Variations on a theme. Wishing for it all and being afraid to go after it because of whom we will injure/offend/inconvenience. But what about us? As you point out, there are a lot of us out there. But we are a disorganized lot in various stages of development. Nonetheless, I am so grateful to have this forum - CDH - and all the contributors and writers and leaders silent partners. It personally gives me peace, and a small piece of the pie I wonder if I will ever truly taste. Thank you, Sabrina, for your ongoing reflections and encouragement
Brina I always make it a point to read your articles. I'm sometimes late to the "party". You seem to hit all the points in my life as it seems I'm about at the same place you are. But this article may be your best as yet. Only I (at least as much as I know -- I might be kidding myself) haven't been found out. My outcome would be much the same as yours, only it will be instantaneous. My good intentions keep Gwyn dwelling mostly in my mind. It just has to be that way and it may never change.
Gwyn
Thank you for the kind words. It would probably shock most, but I write my blog when the moment hits me, doing so from start to finish and then a quick edit, and let it go. I used to do it the same way in HS and college when it came to my papers. You might say that whenever I start to write, I do so with "Good Intentions!" Have a great day 🙂
As always, some inciteful thoughts in your writing. I went through a period very similar to yours vis a vis my first marriage...disclosed to her and got the line "I don't care what you do but don't ever put anything belonging to me on, and don't let me see you in anything ever again" ....drove me to the closet for so long as the rest of the marriage...which lasted another 15 years and 5 kids....but eventually foundered...and like your wife, she swore me to secrecy with my dressing, only to broadcast to whomever would listed after we split up that I was a gay or bisexual crossdreser.... My dad is gone 5 years and my mom has dementia now, and is gradually fading....when they are both gone I may explode in an orgy of super Ru Paul ness....although I am a lawyer in a very small town, so not likely I will be tripping the light fantastic in my favorite heels very often.
I follow all your articles and enjoy what you say, so keep it up!
We sound like quite the pair! I appreciate the compliment and the comments. I've been going through everything I own and have set aside oodles to coordinate and sell on eBay. I'm going to quit thinking that I might fit into it when I lose 15-20 pounds because between then and now, I'll have more than doubled what I already have. I like to buy, I admit it now. I don't need it, but I do... Since I don't go out, it's my way of feeding that side. Now, I plan to give back and offer up some really nice things. My good intentions in helping out another girl get her foot in the right shoe...
I had a few of those moments after my father passed and things were taken care of. I spent nearly a week dressed with only a one day break in the middle of it. I could be all the time (or most of the time now) but find myself doing so as the mood hits me rather than trying to fit it in at 4 am so others won't catch me. My itch now would be to road trip for a weekend and then expand on it. Time will tell! Thanks for sharing 🙂
Thank you so much for your articles! I enjoy your writing immensely. You look so eloquent in your pictures. Your outfits put together so well. I need a personal shopper. I have wasted so much money on clothes that are cute that I can't wear in public as a older mature woman. Ha ha.
To my surprise, my wife has come home with some clothes for me, and we have gone shopping together some. She won't go with Lily so it is impossible to try on clothes with her. Honestly, she doesn't love to shop so it's grab and go. I end up returning most of it. I do love Nordstroms Rack! But I cant imagine what I want when flipping through the rack, so I buy nothing. A crossdressers dilemma.
My daughter is an excellent shopper. She has great fashion sense and can put amazing outfits together. Unfortunately she doesn't know Lily. So I am back to finding someone to shop with. So any shoppers out there in the Sacramento area give me a shout. Ha ha.
I understand you have a blog. I searched for it with no luck and you most likely can't share it here, but would like to follow.
Thanks again, please don't give up on your articles. You write about real life and I absolutely love it. ❤️
Love ❣️
Lily
Thanks for the comments! This space here is actually my blog. I'm blessed to be able to share my thoughts with everyone here. I am with you on buying all the wrong things and then returning or giving them away. It has taken me years to find what looks good on me versus what I want to look good on me. They are not the same, although, at times, I have been pleasantly surprised. I think we also see things with a different eye than many women. We hunt for the femininity in clothing where many of them choose comfort. We get excited to put on the heels and shapewear where they dread it. Thanks for the compliments on my outfits! 🙂
New on this site entered a profile and a few discussions but need help getting around not good with passwords
Hi Brina,
Your article has really made me start thinking. I look back and can recognise my past good intentions in all sorts of ways: at work, in married life, in bringing up a family, and of course in exploring Rebecca (even though I never knew her name for many years). Some good intentions were frustrated by lack of opportunity, some by procrastination, some by fear or uncertainty of consequences.
[Quick side note here: by coincidence in the middle of typing this comment while listening to a concert on TV, Bette Midler's song is on ... the words are apposite:
It's the heart that fears breaking
That never learns to dance
It's the dream, afraid of waking
That never takes the chance
...And the soul afraid of dying
That never learns to live]
But some things happen without intention. My article on how my crossdressing blossomed in 2023 recounts how it "all just seemed to happen" without any significant intentional planning. Strangely it has left me wondering what my future intentions should be. Should I push things more at this stage, or just see how things evolve. Your article has given me quite a bit to think about!
Bette is a wise sage! I guess, in my roundabout way, what I'm trying to say is to find your own way. Many fall under the "I have to or it doesn't" type of thought process. Not saying that at some junctures this isn't the appropriate action. In many cases, our life will lead us to where we should be. I trust enough in myself that I will know the answer/ direction to take when it happens. The real question is will I do it... Thanks for the comments! 🙂
Possibly, we passed each other on the street, neither knowing how much we have in common. Perhaps we purchased the same dress and hurried home in private to hopefully find that it fit. Maybe right now you're staring at the same 'sister' and thinking, "how did she do that, she looks beautiful?" It's a complex fuzzy line between who and what we'd like to be. It's a line difficult for many of us to cross (as you so eloquently explained), so we do the best be can for all concerned. I know I do. But "DAMN" I miss Rowena on too many days and wonder how she is doing.
Bless you for the on point article!
@rowena1 Nicely put! I'm in a strange place, first time ever. I can freely dress whenever I wish. I thought it might consume me and put me into deciding to move more in that direction. I still might as I am doing some little things that make me more neutral, more of the time. For the near future, that is the path. One goal that I would like to meet is to find someone to share this side of me with. The dog is great, but... you know... Thanks for the comments!
