Healing and Help!

Bobbi, for me the answer to your question is a sinple one. it allows you to be the person you are.x

Bobbi like you I have had many challenging times throughout my life not understanding. Thinking it was a phase and that if I could possibly just put it out of my life by purging everything, that it would go away. It doesn't.

I have been in church and raised my children in a Christian environment even being involved in bus ministry and adult bible studies. I never understood why this feminine desire was in me. In any way I could whether if just wearing women's under garments or fully dressing and applying makeup. I have had this battle since childhood. I remember the first dress I put on and I was about 6 yrs. old playing dress up with the girl across the street. It wasn't excepted at that time. In 4th grade my parents sent me to a psychologist. They didn't like what he told them. My mom and dad would push me to fight. I would come in the house crying because I had been beat up by boys in the neighborhood and my dad would send me back out the door and tell me to go fight and close the door behind me. I was the 2nd child of five children . Four boys and my baby sister. It was confusing times for me and I had no idea what was going on in me. I grew older and rebelled by hanging with street kids and started smoking and drinking alcohol along with drugs at a young age of 13-14. I started bagging Sunday school and eventually stopped going because I got a job at 14 at a car wash. I started getting involved with people affiliated with a motorcycle club. I had 19 things on my juvenile police record. The whole time I didn't like what I was doing and I would still sneak and wear women's clothes under my covers in bed. I used to say to myself I just don't get it, I hate it and even thought of means of hurting myself. I had this one guy from the club say to me at a so called party that I was a phony and he was right. Let me try and brief it up. I met a women my future wife who liked me and pursued me. I had not so good grades in Jr. High and with the advice from my guidance counselor I applied to a trade school and got in. That gave me my career. I graduated and joined the Navy during the Vietnam war to get away from going nowhere and a broken home. The Navy taught me responsibility and how to live on my own. While in the Navy my girlfriend would send me girl undergarments which i would sneak on at night under my covers. I got out of the Navy and we got married and had 3 children. I pursued my career to support my family's responsibility's. Plus I got back in church. My wife started buying me women's things and she would pluck my eyebrows, do my nails and even colored my hair.. this went on for 28yrs. Till I started getting daring and wearing women's clothes such as jeans out in public which disturbed my wife. It was ok long as it was behind doors. She divorced me not just for that, but it was a big reason why. Do I think I am evil, not at all. But I felt bad knowing cross-dressing led to my wife divorcing me. I wasn't abusive I never let any of my family suffer for lack of finances. My wife was a stay home mother of three children and I worked at my trade. So I purged everything I had feminine to try and change her mind. it was to late. Got in other relationships and it came back. I found myself alone fall of 2020. places closed for gatherings because of covid 19. I decided to go with it and get it out of my system. I prayed and talked to the lord. It hit me that I am no more a sinner then anybody and Jesus uses sinners. That maybe he wants to use me this way for some reason. Well it felt like something took the world off my back and I decided to talk with like minded people. That is when I found CDH and everything just started happening. I met a mtf transgender lady and asked if there were any groups I could go to and share my feminine thoughts and just enjoy the company of likeminded people. She said yes but I wanted to go in femme. She said I could use her house to change. Which was very nice of her but I wanted to get dressed in my own home. Which meant I had to walk out my front door in women's clothes to get in my car. So I decided to tell my neighbors. Honey, I am blessed I know it. I am friends with all my neighbors for I have lived here since 1980. Well I got hugs from one guy and his wife. Another told me I was a good neighbor and always will be and his wife started instructing me in walking in heels. Another was telling me about hairstyle and makeup the other neighbor had no problem. I confronted most of them in my femme clothes. I tell you I felt the blessings and things were happening one right after another. Church started allowing people to come into services and I went in my dress and heels and what did the preacher preach on that 4th of July Sunday. He spoke all are welcomed in church and he said no matter of race, gay, lesbian and transgender. He even made a small gesture that for not everybody to turn around and try to figure who they were because he said there were a few in church. Well I just wanted to give him a big hug sweetheart. and I have been going back just as Janice about every Sunday since. I have made new friends and now I am living in my femme 24/7. I talk about the lord, I don't hide it. I am still on my journey learning and living femme. My work. Let me say the fear I had telling them. Only to get a hug from the chief of maintenance . I went to shake his hand after telling him and he said he did not want my hand that he wanted a hug. Imagine that. It's true. I am a plumber and senior man in my shop. I have never felt so free spirited and alive. I believe in blessings and I thank every day in prayer for my existence for who I am and for him to use me. It's now 2022 and I love my life. I did not mean to wright a book. But we are all sinners and god knows no sin. So when someone is pointing a finger at you there are at lest 3 pointing back at them. This life we have is a gift and I keep my heart where it should be. Above all thing Love. Bobbi, it sounds like you have somewhat of an understanding wife. What a blessing that is. Sometimes we look back and realize we were living for others instead of ourselves. I am living for me right now learning to just be me. and the joy that shines from me brings smiles and kindness from so many around me. Sending Love and I wish you the peace that comes with being you. Janice

Bobbi like you I have had many challenging times throughout my life not understanding. Thinking it was a phase and that if I could possibly just put it out of my life by purging everything, that it would go away. It doesn't.

I have been in church and raised my children in a Christian environment even being involved in bus ministry and adult bible studies. I never understood why this feminine desire was in me. In any way I could whether if just wearing women's under garments or fully dressing and applying makeup. I have had this battle since childhood. I remember the first dress I put on and I was about 6 yrs. old playing dress up with the girl across the street. It wasn't excepted at that time. In 4th grade my parents sent me to a psychologist. They didn't like what he told them. My mom and dad would push me to fight. I would come in the house crying because I had been beat up by boys in the neighborhood and my dad would send me back out the door and tell me to go fight and close the door behind me. I was the 2nd child of five children . Four boys and my baby sister. It was confusing times for me and I had no idea what was going on in me. I grew older and rebelled by hanging with street kids and started smoking and drinking alcohol along with drugs at a young age of 13-14. I started bagging Sunday school and eventually stopped going because I got a job at 14 at a car wash. I started getting involved with people affiliated with a motorcycle club. I had 19 things on my juvenile police record. The whole time I didn't like what I was doing and I would still sneak and wear women's clothes under my covers in bed. I used to say to myself I just don't get it, I hate it and even thought of means of hurting myself. I had this one guy from the club say to me at a so called party that I was a phony and he was right. Let me try and brief it up. I met a women my future wife who liked me and pursued me. I had not so good grades in Jr. High and with the advice from my guidance counselor I applied to a trade school and got in. That gave me my career. I graduated and joined the Navy during the Vietnam war to get away from going nowhere and a broken home. The Navy taught me responsibility and how to live on my own. While in the Navy my girlfriend would send me girl undergarments which i would sneak on at night under my covers. I got out of the Navy and we got married and had 3 children. I pursued my career to support my family's responsibility's. Plus I got back in church. My wife started buying me women's things and she would pluck my eyebrows, do my nails and even colored my hair.. this went on for 28yrs. Till I started getting daring and wearing women's clothes such as jeans out in public which disturbed my wife. It was ok long as it was behind doors. She divorced me not just for that, but it was a big reason why. Do I think I am evil, not at all. But I felt bad knowing cross-dressing led to my wife divorcing me. I wasn't abusive I never let any of my family suffer for lack of finances. My wife was a stay home mother of three children and I worked at my trade. So I purged everything I had feminine to try and change her mind. it was to late. Got in other relationships and it came back. I found myself alone fall of 2020. places closed for gatherings because of covid 19. I decided to go with it and get it out of my system. I prayed and talked to the lord. It hit me that I am no more a sinner then anybody and Jesus uses sinners. That maybe he wants to use me this way for some reason. Well it felt like something took the world off my back and I decided to talk with like minded people. That is when I found CDH and everything just started happening. I met a mtf transgender lady and asked if there were any groups I could go to and share my feminine thoughts and just enjoy the company of likeminded people. She said yes but I wanted to go in femme. She said I could use her house to change. Which was very nice of her but I wanted to get dressed in my own home. Which meant I had to walk out my front door in women's clothes to get in my car. So I decided to tell my neighbors. Honey, I am blessed I know it. I am friends with all my neighbors for I have lived here since 1980. Well I got hugs from one guy and his wife. Another told me I was a good neighbor and always will be and his wife started instructing me in walking in heels. Another was telling me about hairstyle and makeup the other neighbor had no problem. I confronted most of them in my femme clothes. I tell you I felt the blessings and things were happening one right after another. Church started allowing people to come into services and I went in my dress and heels and what did the preacher preach on that 4th of July Sunday. He spoke all are welcomed in church and he said no matter of race, gay, lesbian and transgender. He even made a small gesture that for not everybody to turn around and try to figure who they were because he said there were a few in church. Well I just wanted to give him a big hug sweetheart. and I have been going back just as Janice about every Sunday since. I have made new friends and now I am living in my femme 24/7. I talk about the lord, I don't hide it. I am still on my journey learning and living femme. My work. Let me say the fear I had telling them. Only to get a hug from the chief of maintenance . I went to shake his hand after telling him and he said he did not want my hand that he wanted a hug. Imagine that. It's true. I am a plumber and senior man in my shop. I have never felt so free spirited and alive. I believe in blessings and I thank every day in prayer for my existence for who I am and for him to use me. It's now 2022 and I love my life. I did not mean to wright a book. But we are all sinners and god knows no sin. So when someone is pointing a finger at you there are at lest 3 pointing back at them. This life we have is a gift and I keep my heart where it should be. Above all thing Love. Bobbi, it sounds like you have somewhat of an understanding wife. What a blessing that is. Sometimes we look back and realize we were living for others instead of ourselves. I am living for me right now learning to just be me. and the joy that shines from me brings smiles and kindness from so many around me. Sending Love and I wish you the peace that comes with being you. Janice

Hi Bobbie, I cannot believe the timing of this. I've been waking up at night the past few nights thinking of having "the talk" with my wife to start the new year in a new way ('m a few days late!). Your story is VERY similar to mine especially recently with the evil vs. good battle. I've been to counselors in the past for mild depression and other issues but barely touched on crossdressing before I stopped going. I'm a church going person as well and it was a big step for me to wear panties to church recently. Just that first day doing that was a subtle lift. I'm still the same person no matter what I wear, right? We all have issues we're all sinners but I don't think that's a sin...showing up to church as who I am. I have prayed a little about my crossdressing but hesitantly. I need to move further in that direction. Anyway, I'm thinking of giving my wife (of 30 years) a letter (modified by me) I found here on CDH. Question is should I sit with her as she reads it? Like at dinner across the table? Or tell her I have something for her to read and leave it for her when I go out and run errands or something? Looking for ideas ladies! Timing and her mood is everything of course. Anyway, she is semi supportive as she doesn't mind me underdressing and wearing tights around the house. Sometimes wearing a full slip to bed too as I told her I sleep better wearing it (the truth). However she said she never wants to see me fully dressed, but it's been several years since she said that. We both work form home too. Thoughts?

Hugs,
Robinette

Hi Bobbie, I cannot believe the timing of this. I've been waking up at night the past few nights thinking of having "the talk" with my wife to start the new year in a new way ('m a few days late!). Your story is VERY similar to mine especially recently with the evil vs. good battle. I've been to counselors in the past for mild depression and other issues but barely touched on crossdressing before I stopped going. I'm a church going person as well and it was a big step for me to wear panties to church recently. Just that first day doing that was a subtle lift. I'm still the same person no matter what I wear, right? We all have issues we're all sinners but I don't think that's a sin...showing up to church as who I am. I have prayed a little about my crossdressing but hesitantly. I need to move further in that direction. Anyway, I'm thinking of giving my wife (of 30 years) a letter (modified by me) I found here on CDH. Question is should I sit with her as she reads it? Like at dinner across the table? Or tell her I have something for her to read and leave it for her when I go out and run errands or something? Looking for ideas ladies! Timing and her mood is everything of course. Anyway, she is semi supportive as she doesn't mind me underdressing and wearing tights around the house. Sometimes wearing a full slip to bed too as I told her I sleep better wearing it (the truth). However she said she never wants to see me fully dressed, but it's been several years since she said that. We both work form home too. Thoughts?

Hugs,
Robinette

Bobbi,
Thank you SO MUCH for articulating this so well. You spoke to my soul. I don't know if I can offer anything to help, since I am new here. I am a divorced retired 65 year old and have had "The Fem Fever" all of my life. Five times within the past two years, I have bought a ton of clothes/lingerie, only to have rising guilt, shame, and fear of what my loved ones would think when looking in my wardrobe after I am gone (crazy, huh?), only to purge, purge, purge. It is tiring. I am really trying to accept myself this time and all of you girls at CDH are REALLY helping me. Anyway thank you for your courage in writing about your journey, which has really helped mine!

Bobbi,
Thank you SO MUCH for articulating this so well. You spoke to my soul. I don't know if I can offer anything to help, since I am new here. I am a divorced retired 65 year old and have had "The Fem Fever" all of my life. Five times within the past two years, I have bought a ton of clothes/lingerie, only to have rising guilt, shame, and fear of what my loved ones would think when looking in my wardrobe after I am gone (crazy, huh?), only to purge, purge, purge. It is tiring. I am really trying to accept myself this time and all of you girls at CDH are REALLY helping me. Anyway thank you for your courage in writing about your journey, which has really helped mine!

This was a wonderful article to read. Your wife's suggestion was so important. Any honest reading of the New Testament reveals that Jesus is Love. While I, too, was raised in a religious house with traditional attitudes and values, it was the unconditional love of two Christian women--my mother and my wife--for me as a crossdresser that brought me healing. I still don't understand why I have this compulsion, but at least I don't have the added burden of fearing that God somehow hates it, or me. So glad you've gotten to this place too!

This was a wonderful article to read. Your wife's suggestion was so important. Any honest reading of the New Testament reveals that Jesus is Love. While I, too, was raised in a religious house with traditional attitudes and values, it was the unconditional love of two Christian women--my mother and my wife--for me as a crossdresser that brought me healing. I still don't understand why I have this compulsion, but at least I don't have the added burden of fearing that God somehow hates it, or me. So glad you've gotten to this place too!

Bobbi, I was intrigued by the title of your article, so I started to read and realized that your story is similar to mine and probably many others. I started dressing during puberty and it has always been sexual for me. I was not happy with myself and thought I was a deranged pervert that needed to be fixed. I prayed to God to take these desires away, but they always came roaring back. This went on for many years. I had a wife and 3 great kids. I now have 8 great grandkids. Divorced and remarried. I actually told my second wife about my desires and she as tolerated and married me after the confession. I also went to a counselor and was diagnosed as a fetishic transvestite (full skirts and petticoats are my passion). When I asked what I should do about it, the counselor told me "nothing, its who you are." After that I have accepted myself although I remain in the closet.
I am 70 years old and through the internet I have made a number of close friends. I have only met one of them and "she" remains my best friend. So, I think the gift of crossdressing is that I respect all people no matter how different they are. I find I care about people who are struggling with emotional issues. I desire to help people more and make this world a better place. Mostly, the bond I share with others like me is so special. Its wonderful to be understood. It's so nice to know you are not alone.

Bobbi, I was intrigued by the title of your article, so I started to read and realized that your story is similar to mine and probably many others. I started dressing during puberty and it has always been sexual for me. I was not happy with myself and thought I was a deranged pervert that needed to be fixed. I prayed to God to take these desires away, but they always came roaring back. This went on for many years. I had a wife and 3 great kids. I now have 8 great grandkids. Divorced and remarried. I actually told my second wife about my desires and she as tolerated and married me after the confession. I also went to a counselor and was diagnosed as a fetishic transvestite (full skirts and petticoats are my passion). When I asked what I should do about it, the counselor told me "nothing, its who you are." After that I have accepted myself although I remain in the closet.
I am 70 years old and through the internet I have made a number of close friends. I have only met one of them and "she" remains my best friend. So, I think the gift of crossdressing is that I respect all people no matter how different they are. I find I care about people who are struggling with emotional issues. I desire to help people more and make this world a better place. Mostly, the bond I share with others like me is so special. Its wonderful to be understood. It's so nice to know you are not alone.

Bobbi, thank you for the wonderful article. One of the greatest things about CDH are articles such as yours. It is both thoughtful and thought provoking.

I’ll start by saying I avoid the word “religious”. It carries too many prejudicial connotations. Instead I’ll say that I am a Christian, I spend time in the Scriptures most every day and time each day alone with my thoughts to consider the meaning of “Life, the Universe and Everything”. Many times I have asked God to remove the desire to crossdress from me. He hasn’t seen fit to do so, yet.

I’ve done some reading by various religious writers about crossdressing as well as my own ruminations and I’ve come to a conclusion. I do not believe that crossdressing is, in and of itself, sinful.

So having said all that, what is the gift that crossdressing has given me?
First, crossdressing has opened up the feminine side of my psyche. The empathy, tenderness, patience and a calmness. An almost maternal instinct has emerged that has allowed me to care for my grandchildren in a very different way.

Also, crossdressing keeps me humble. It is my “cross to bear”, so to speak. It reminds me that I am not perfect and that there are things going on in the lives of others that I have NO knowledge of.

I hope that I have answered your question, at least partially.

Hugs, Jillian

Bobbi, thank you for the wonderful article. One of the greatest things about CDH are articles such as yours. It is both thoughtful and thought provoking.

I’ll start by saying I avoid the word “religious”. It carries too many prejudicial connotations. Instead I’ll say that I am a Christian, I spend time in the Scriptures most every day and time each day alone with my thoughts to consider the meaning of “Life, the Universe and Everything”. Many times I have asked God to remove the desire to crossdress from me. He hasn’t seen fit to do so, yet.

I’ve done some reading by various religious writers about crossdressing as well as my own ruminations and I’ve come to a conclusion. I do not believe that crossdressing is, in and of itself, sinful.

So having said all that, what is the gift that crossdressing has given me?
First, crossdressing has opened up the feminine side of my psyche. The empathy, tenderness, patience and a calmness. An almost maternal instinct has emerged that has allowed me to care for my grandchildren in a very different way.

Also, crossdressing keeps me humble. It is my “cross to bear”, so to speak. It reminds me that I am not perfect and that there are things going on in the lives of others that I have NO knowledge of.

I hope that I have answered your question, at least partially.

Hugs, Jillian

Bobbi,

That was a very beautiful essay. Like you, as it would seem, I was raised Catholic and am still a participating churchgoer. Let me go off on two lines of thought.

Religion … while I am Catholic, I have reflected on my beliefs many times. Could the God I believe in, accept others’ beliefs? That is, since God is love, can others who love, know him, especially if they don’t have the opportunity to be taught Christian philosophy? It seems paradoxical. Will a devout, truly good, Muslim, or Buddhist, or agnostic “go to heaven?” My wife is a good, moral woman. She just doesn’t believe in Christianity. I know, in Christianity, we are taught, Jesus is the way to eternal life, and I believe He is my way. But, maybe God gives us all of the ways to Him. After all, actions are more important than words. Remember Jesus’ own words in the parable of the Good Samaritan. Whew!

Crossdressing … I grew up with 4 brothers and a sister (who came out as lesbian in her 20s). The boys have always competed to show the most machismo and I, too, get drawn into that battle. But, I have always been “different.” My first instance of crossdressing was wearing my sister’s two-layered nylon nighties for sexual release. All along the path, though, my apprehension to getting caught was due not to guilt or shame, but rather, fear. Fear of rejection and ridicule. It is still the reason I don’t show Raquel to those I love. But I accept it. I do have two sides and I enjoy both. I can see that there is nothing “wrong” with wearing panties in anonymity or dressing fully and going out when the opportunity affords. It gives me joy. I’m just not strong enough to handle possible rejection from those I love most because they can’t see there’s no harm being done.

Btw, I have begun including a prayer for understanding, compassion and love from others for all of my sisters here at CDH, during mass each week.

Bobbi,

That was a very beautiful essay. Like you, as it would seem, I was raised Catholic and am still a participating churchgoer. Let me go off on two lines of thought.

Religion … while I am Catholic, I have reflected on my beliefs many times. Could the God I believe in, accept others’ beliefs? That is, since God is love, can others who love, know him, especially if they don’t have the opportunity to be taught Christian philosophy? It seems paradoxical. Will a devout, truly good, Muslim, or Buddhist, or agnostic “go to heaven?” My wife is a good, moral woman. She just doesn’t believe in Christianity. I know, in Christianity, we are taught, Jesus is the way to eternal life, and I believe He is my way. But, maybe God gives us all of the ways to Him. After all, actions are more important than words. Remember Jesus’ own words in the parable of the Good Samaritan. Whew!

Crossdressing … I grew up with 4 brothers and a sister (who came out as lesbian in her 20s). The boys have always competed to show the most machismo and I, too, get drawn into that battle. But, I have always been “different.” My first instance of crossdressing was wearing my sister’s two-layered nylon nighties for sexual release. All along the path, though, my apprehension to getting caught was due not to guilt or shame, but rather, fear. Fear of rejection and ridicule. It is still the reason I don’t show Raquel to those I love. But I accept it. I do have two sides and I enjoy both. I can see that there is nothing “wrong” with wearing panties in anonymity or dressing fully and going out when the opportunity affords. It gives me joy. I’m just not strong enough to handle possible rejection from those I love most because they can’t see there’s no harm being done.

Btw, I have begun including a prayer for understanding, compassion and love from others for all of my sisters here at CDH, during mass each week.