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First and foremost, I want to let all you of wonderful CDH ladies know that you inspire me in so many ways! I read every article on this site. Some of the articles are fun and humorous, others I find challenging and thought provoking. As the title of this article indicates, I’m on a journey to healing and I’d appreciate some help from our fabulous CDH community. Let me start by describing the journey through my healing process in hopes it might help others that visit this site. Then I’ll get to my request for help.
With regard to my healing process, a little about my background may give you some insight into the journey. In some ways, my story is not too different than many of those shared by you wonderful ladies. I was brought up in a good home by loving parents. Also, like many here, I started crossdressing early in puberty, but I didn’t understand what or why I was doing what I did when I put on women’s clothes then, or for many decades to come. The lack of self-awareness was probably a combination of upbringing, denial and naïveté.
My parents instilled religious values in me along with many other values that are considered the hallmark for being a good person. Values such as honesty, loyalty, faithfulness and kindness toward others. It was the religious values, however, that lead me to feel guilt, shame and self-loathing every time I put on an article of women’s clothing.
These values led to a decades long struggle within me. I kept telling myself this was a phase that would pass … when I got married, then when I had children, then when I turned 30, then 40, then 50 and so on. It felt like there was a pitched battle between good and evil for my very soul! After 45 long years, I believed the battle for my soul was lost. I realized I was a crossdresser and there was nothing I could do to change it. At that point it I felt like I had capitulated to evil. It didn’t matter to me what good things I had done with my life; my soul was lost!
A few very difficult and confusing years ensued before I decided to come out to my wife of 30+ years. I did a lot of research on how to have “the conversation”. This was undoubtedly the most difficult conversation of my life. Not much in this world scares me, but the thought of losing my wife or my children is unbearable. This difficult conversation, however, slowly led to my healing process.
My wife suggested I see a therapist, which I have been doing for over 3 years now. When I started therapy, my therapist and I talked a lot about my feelings of guilt, shame and self-loathing. I on the other hand, wanted my therapist to help me figure out what “caused” my crossdressing so we could “fix” it. Did I mention I’m an engineer? My therapist immediately dispelled the notion of a “cure” as well as the need for one. She tried to get me to focus on the fact that what I was doing wasn’t bad and wasn’t hurting anyone. Then, with the guidance of my wife and my therapist, I started to ask questions I could answer. Questions that started me down the path of healing and self-acceptance.
During the first 3 years of therapy, my internal conflict kept manifesting itself and my therapist kept asking me “what harm” is my crossdressing doing? In the conversations my wife and I had on the subject, she kept reminding me that I was fundamentally a good person. So yes ladies, in that regard I am very blessed (I would call mine, a supportive DADT relationship).
Between my therapist and my wife (and I must add, the very insightful women of CDH), I started to gradually move toward self-acceptance of my crossdressing. After years of journaling in an attempt to answer numerous questions forcing the self-examination espoused by Socrates, I began to forgive myself and ultimately to accept this part of me. I want to be clear, my progress was slow and anything but steady. Then the major breakthrough came during a conversation with my wife one evening after a therapy session. I mentioned the decades long battle I believed to be going on for my soul. My wife very thoughtfully replied “make this a prayer to God, not a fight with Satan.” So I did!
That seemingly simple suggestion turned around my internal strife. The change wasn’t instantaneous or immediate and I spent many months praying and contemplating after my wife made her suggestion. Then one day it happened! Out of nowhere and completely unprompted I thanked God for “the gift of crossdressing.”
When I mentioned my spontaneous prayer of thanks to my therapist, she asked me what l thought the gift of crossdressing means to me and why the gift is good. I’ve been pondering that for over a month and I’ve come up with a few things, but I feel the true answer is still eluding me. I believe my gift of crossdressing has given me greater empathy for those less fortunate. It has also helped me to understand the male privilege I have unknowingly benefitted from my entire life. Finally, I feel my crossdressing has helped me look at situations with more compassion and a more open mind in an effort to see all sides of the story.
Are these really the core gift? For example, are these characteristics inherent due to the fact I’m a crossdresser? Could it be they are a result of the wholeness I feel when crossdressing that carries over into the rest of my life allowing me to manifest these traits? Maybe it’s something else entirely.
Now to my request for your help. Please don’t get me wrong, I am not trying to push my religious beliefs on anyone, nor am I suggesting that anyone pray who doesn’t believe in God. The help I seek is the tremendous insight so often displayed at CDH.
I still feel as though I haven’t gotten to the root of what the gift really is. So I am asking you wonderful ladies for your insight once again. Not to tell me what the gift of crossdressing means to me, but what it means to you! I know your wonderful reflections will continue to inspire me and help guide to the answers I seek. Thank you all and I hope this holiday season brings you all the joy you deserve!
With much love, Bobbi
Hi Bobbie I am Jennifer I to started dressing around 8 or9 years old dad and ma worked so as I got older I dressed more and more in my twenties I started to wear panties mostly every day. I still could not tell anyone but I did like. You and prayed. I still haven’t had the talk with my wife . But in 2000 I met a cross dresser Joanne we get together every so often and have a girl chat good luck on your journey and please pray for me on mine.
Love and peace Jennifer sullivan
Embracing my femininity has been the gift of self awareness, self acceptance and self love. Despite all the obvious awkwardness of transitioning MTF I’ve never been so at peace with myself, not in all my 48 years.
I enjoyed reading your story, thank you for sharing.
Hi Bobbi,
Thanks for your musings.
I'm a non believer, but it doesn't mean I haven't done a fair amount of questing, After deciding christianity wasn't for me, I explored a variety of religions and spirituality. Nowadays I'm content to accept I'm just me, therefore I can't consider it as a gift any more than I would call it a curse. It is what it it is. I'm not always happy with the situation, and for the most part I remain private but I don't beat myself up, At the same time a major part of being 'other' has been to create in me sympathy to other minorities and individuals. So with regards to part of your enquiry I am grateful for that 'gift' outcome. I know it's not the only way to get there, and I'm not perfect and it's not that simple but as that saying goes in your bible “do unto others ...”
Hi Bobbi,
Thank you so much for making me think and I'll try to answer with my personal experience from my point of view.
After 4 years of therapy I accepted two months ago that I want to enjoy sex as a woman and that I wanted to crossdress at least at home. That means I'm inside trasgender spectrum.
I accepted after recognizing that my sexual relations inside the marriage were really awful and I had a big insatisfaction with my life developing a big level of insensibility and low autesteem despite I am a lawyer with a good career in a big teleco company in Spain.
I think that to be CD is not a gift in my case, it's. probably an early inconscius mental construction that I developed to be seen by my father( alpha male with strong sexuality presence) as a sexual girl.
What can I do with that gift?????,probably to go through the experience as much as conscius possible and let' s see what happens ( am I cd, tg, woman, gay or femboy?)
Nothing of those calificatios were acceptables for me just 4 months ago so the signs of my feminity of course are not a gift but a big challenge to become a complete and better person.
From my point of view to see it as a gift is a good mental way to accept it if you are a religius person but if you don't mind my opinion the real gift for your family it is you.
Kissses
Sonia