Hearts and such

No matter how we act upon them, most of us discover our need to embrace a feminine side at an early age. Often times our crossdressing sisters are drawn to girl toys, the activities the girls are doing over the boys, or sometimes in their desire to just wear pink. Simple pleasures, which are so often kept from children for reasons of pointless standards, are denied and the desires repressed. This can take an emotional toll on us as boys, but sometimes the spark burns brighter in its need, in direct opposition to the refusal of those experiences.

This idea has probably been on my mind, on the back burner my whole life, but since my wife's pregnancy over a year and a half ago, the earliest feelings were reawakened and put into a helpful adult perspective. Last June, we found out we were having a little girl. Slowly, but surely we began shopping for her, receiving gifts, often from people with far narrower ideas on gender than my wife and I. (Note: she does not know of my interest in being feminine, but does not let old-fashioned gender norms dictate her life or mine). While some girls might see these clothes and think, "I remember wanting to wear that as a little boy," I just see the deeper cultural messages that first made me think, "being a girl must be nice, perhaps better than this."

I always think of girls in a world of hearts, rainbows, and flowers—pretty things that represent love. So many mornings I am awoken by my baby's calls and pick her up dressed in those symbols expressing how much her mommy and daddy love her. Boys don't have that on their sleeves. Over the course of my life, I've found how unloved I was as a child.

I was happy with my boy toys and happy in my boy clothes. While I did not find many other boys to connect with prior to university, I found even fewer girls with whom to form good friendships. I always saw the girls embraced for sweetness, softness, affection, and ultimately love. I know that's not the case, and it's an even harsher world for girls and women, but the seed had been planted, girls feel more love.

There wasn't a lot of strict gender reinforcement in my family. I only had one brother, my mom is an only child, and my dad had three brothers. However, it was a harsh environment. I was hardened, cynical, and truly an angry and hateful little boy. I still am as a man, though I have put a lot of effort into combating this. I felt as if a certain something might help down the road, but it was such an early age to have so much darkness inside. The life of a girl seemed so much nicer. I subconsciously recognized how bad my surroundings were. Perhaps, at the age six when I first slipped on that pink skirt that my mother dropped in my costume barrel, I experienced the kind of love I lacked and would continue to lack for many years.

My boyhood was as full of dark colours, angry music, loneliness, and disapproval. All I could see of what girlhood entailed was brightness, love, and most of all joy. Without a sister, the reality of how my parents might have been remains a mystery. What was certain was that I could cut the legs off my red sweatpants. I cut them a little shorter, a little shorter, until oops, I'd cut the crotch out. Now I'm wearing a skirt, and it feels amazing!

Decades later, I'm feeling the need to be a girl again, despite having a very happy manhood. I'm holding it all in, trying to figure out what to do next. As happy as this man is, that girl inside is in a dark place. This is why when I sign off to you, it's always "hearts and rainbows." I think it's what all of us could use. Isn't that why we're here?

Hearts and rainbows,

Aoife