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Many women don't know what to do when they find out that their husband or boyfriend likes to dress like her!
In the same way that most heterosexual men are attracted to female women, the majority of heterosexual women seek masculinity and virility in the men they want to relate to. Many women are unable to be attracted to men who wear women's dresses, lingerie, and shoes, just as many men are not attracted to women who wear typical men's clothing.
Of course, this also applies to most homosexual men and women, respectively.
Another issue is the continued confusion people make between gender and sexuality: Many women fear that crossdressers are homosexuals. Not all homosexuals are crossdressers, just as not all crossdressers are homosexuals - or transsexuals.
Another difficulty is that many men practice crossdressing and keep it hidden from girlfriends, wives, and others until they are discovered accidentally. In many cases, they may feel betrayed.
I believe that transparency is important in human relationships. On the other hand, I think that men do not need to tell everything they do, not even to girlfriends or wives as long as it does not harm them. It’s similar in that it also doesn’t make sense for other people to know her secrets and she most likely isn’t sharing. We all have things that we choose not to share. This is true the older we are when we establish a new relationship.
On the other hand, there are women who are tolerant of crossdressing and even support their boyfriends or husbands - - after all, on a planet of almost 8 billion inhabitants, there is certainly someone who will accept you and like you for just being you.
Some women often have fun with crossdressing boyfriends or husbands. Yes, there are women who like crossdressers. The range is endless as is the type of relationship one might have. From women who find a simple attraction to crossdressers to those who are more fetish inclined. In most cases, I don't believe crossdressers think this is a punishment—if that is the intent.
And dreaming doesn't cost anything, so why not a wedding with both wearing a wedding dress. Just look at how many fun things a couple can do thanks to crossdressing, all that is required is an open mind and open heart ...
In retrospect, what if you found out that your girlfriend or wife likes to wear men's clothes? Maybe even let the hair grow on her legs, etc. Men's clothes are not as varied and interesting as women's and the stigma so much less as it is. I believe there are more men who like to dress up as women than the other way around—in the true sense of crossdressing.
But I confess that if that happened to me ... I go back to the beginning of the article ... I wouldn't know what to do.
- Would you like to have a girlfriend or wife who supports your crossdressing?
- Does your girlfriend or wife know about your crossdressing? Does she support you?
- What would you do if you found out that your girlfriend or wife liked to crossdress as a man?.
Marie Claire
I think that men do not need to tell everything they do, not even to girlfriends or wives as long as it does not harm them.
The women will be the judge of that. 😉
Marie,
Nice article that succinctly captures many facts/observations that have been stated by so many others, both here at CDH and elsewhere. How do women deal with it? I think the more essential question for most of us is how does YOUR woman deal with it? And to state the obvious, there are as many different answers as there are cross dressers in relationships.
But to generalize, I would say that the vast majority of SOs have a very hard time dealing with it. I think a major reason can found if we modify your question: "How do we cross dressers deal with cross dressing?" For many of us, the answers involve feeling of shame, guilt and lifelong bewilderment at this aspect of our behavior, to the point that we feel it is something that must be hidden from others, most painfully from SOs, often for years or decades into a relationship.
In short, we don't fully understand this about ourselves - most importantly, we don't have the answer to the eternal question of "why do I/you need to do this?" Until science discovers that it can all be explained by a cross dressing gene in our DNA codes, or something to that effect, I think the best we can do is sit down with our SOs and try to articulate how it makes us feel.
This is a challenging dialogue, but one that needs to be sustained over the long term if a relationship is going to survive. For one thing, it requires that we ourselved have a good understanding of who we are as cross dressers. We may not understand the why, but we do know the how/what/when of our behavior and again, how it makes us feel.
It is also useful to have at hand the kind of facts highlighted in your article, so that we can, for example, be ready to answer the usual questions like are you gay, do you want to be a woman, etc. Such questions are the first ones asked by many women because it is the only frame-of-reference they have when trying to deal with this new information about their partner. Society in general can understand homosexuality, bisexuality, and perhaps to a lesser extent, the concept of what it means to be transgender. It's Pride Month, for goodness sake.
But the non-fetish, non-transitioning cross dresser? As far as I'm aware (because it seems to be updated frequently), the letters C and D have yet to be added to LGBTQ. So, I'm going to be dramatic and say, Society as a whole has no understanding whatsoever.
I think it's also useful to be aware of the different ways cross dressing is described/depicted out here in Internet land, because the response of many SOs will be to start doing their own research and, within a few mouse clicks, stumble across pornographic or fetish sites that may or may not reflect a CD's own experiences. In short, it's important to control the message that you are sending about yourself, as an individual, and the aspects that you are interested in, how they make you feel.
So back to your question, how do women deal with cross dressing? There's only one way to know, and that is to communication with the only woman of importance, your woman. We need to be completely open and honest with our SOs and we need to listen very carefully, openly and non-judgmentally when they tell us how they are dealing with it, every step of the way. It's an ongoing conversation that hopefully will lead to understanding and a balance being achieved, even if it takes years or even decades.
@yestothedress Thanks for the beautiful perspective on CD’s and their SO’s. I’m an older 70 CD with an accepting, loving wife. We have and continue to deal with the peaks and valleys of this inclination. My typical daily life (friends, neighbors, kids, grandkids etc.) is highlighted by the intoxicating feeling of presenting as a woman. Thanks again for your insights! Nicole
great article with many of our concerns and issues we all face on a daily basis. I do wish more ladies would be more accepting and understanding opf our nee/desire to dress up.
Marie, Thank you so much for an interesting article. I also want to answer your questions.
I would love to have a SO that accepted my crossdressing. Mine does not and struggles with it. I love hearing about crossdressers who have a wife or girlfriend who accept their dressing and love to help them pick their wardrobe.
I don't think I would have an issue with my wife or girlfriend being a crossdresser. I know I am attracted to women in police and military uniforms.
Again thanks for the article.
Marie, Thank you so much for an interesting article. I also want to answer your questions.
I would love to have a SO that accepted my crossdressing. Mine does not and struggles with it. I love hearing about crossdressers who have a wife or girlfriend who accept their dressing and love to help them pick their wardrobe.
I don't think I would have an issue with my wife or girlfriend being a crossdresser. I know I am attracted to women in police and military uniforms.
Again thanks for the article.
Your article is spot on.
My wife found me one day , by accident. Now, 5-6 yrs later and many hours of therapy, she & I are starting a "Finishing School" for CDers who are closeted. She is a professional makeup artitist ( MUA). I teach a 3 day course in CDing and she is doing the makeovers.
We make a great team. After 38+ yrs of marriage, and many business and family collaborations, we are in a good place. I am as free as I have ever been.
So...your story hit the Bullseye!
Thanks for that...
Dr.T.J.
Your article is spot on.
My wife found me one day , by accident. Now, 5-6 yrs later and many hours of therapy, she & I are starting a "Finishing School" for CDers who are closeted. She is a professional makeup artitist ( MUA). I teach a 3 day course in CDing and she is doing the makeovers.
We make a great team. After 38+ yrs of marriage, and many business and family collaborations, we are in a good place. I am as free as I have ever been.
So...your story hit the Bullseye!
Thanks for that...
Dr.T.J.
What a great post Marie Claire!
I've been crossdressing for 50+ years, and while it started out as an arousal thing, it has become more of an enjoyment thing for me. I'm 65 years old I'm very comfortable in who I am! But…I have a son who has 2 kids-ages 7 and 9 and would prefer they not know. For far too long, I was not comfortable,I felt guilty, I felt odd- like nobody could EVER find out. I still prefer to keep it private- and that's okay!! Posts like yours and many others on CD Heaven have helped me come to grips with myself.
To your questions at the end of article, my wife caught me in pretty much full dress back in January 2021 when she came home unexpectedly. After 'cleaning up', I explained to her about my CDing, how long I've been doing it and that I'm not alone in my desires to dress - so many men engage it the practice. I told her I have no desire to go out in public and dress only in private. She appreciated that and said she understood but didn't want to participate and to keep it to when she isn't home. I would love more support from her and her participation some times. I think it could be so much fun.
However, all that said, I've noticed how much she is 'educating' me lately- on bras, camisoles and makeup tips,etc It's really kinda cool as she does it almost approvingly, almost like she wants to help me get to where I want to go. I consume it eagerly! Conversations about it are getting easier.
Once again, many thanks for your post and to CD Heaven!!
Love to all
Victoria❤
What a great post Marie Claire!
I've been crossdressing for 50+ years, and while it started out as an arousal thing, it has become more of an enjoyment thing for me. I'm 65 years old I'm very comfortable in who I am! But…I have a son who has 2 kids-ages 7 and 9 and would prefer they not know. For far too long, I was not comfortable,I felt guilty, I felt odd- like nobody could EVER find out. I still prefer to keep it private- and that's okay!! Posts like yours and many others on CD Heaven have helped me come to grips with myself.
To your questions at the end of article, my wife caught me in pretty much full dress back in January 2021 when she came home unexpectedly. After 'cleaning up', I explained to her about my CDing, how long I've been doing it and that I'm not alone in my desires to dress - so many men engage it the practice. I told her I have no desire to go out in public and dress only in private. She appreciated that and said she understood but didn't want to participate and to keep it to when she isn't home. I would love more support from her and her participation some times. I think it could be so much fun.
However, all that said, I've noticed how much she is 'educating' me lately- on bras, camisoles and makeup tips,etc It's really kinda cool as she does it almost approvingly, almost like she wants to help me get to where I want to go. I consume it eagerly! Conversations about it are getting easier.
Once again, many thanks for your post and to CD Heaven!!
Love to all
Victoria❤
Marie, something you mentioned resonated with me. A few weeks ago while I was going through another grilling about my sick CD with my X the conversation went to a wedding dress and I blurted out" I think it would be really cooooool if we could get remarried with both of us wearing a wedding dress". You would have thought I was suggesting something really sick.
. . Sandy
Marie, something you mentioned resonated with me. A few weeks ago while I was going through another grilling about my sick CD with my X the conversation went to a wedding dress and I blurted out" I think it would be really cooooool if we could get remarried with both of us wearing a wedding dress". You would have thought I was suggesting something really sick.
. . Sandy
Hmmmn. Let's see now.
- Would you like to have a girlfriend or wife who supports your crossdressing?
Yes! I think that could be so much fun. To be open and together. Be still my beating heart.
– Does your girlfriend or wife know about your crossdressing? Does she support you?we
Knows but does not actively support.
– What would you do if you found out that your girlfriend or wife liked to crossdress as a man?.
What's good for the gander. . .
Unlike my wife i would actively support her (see "open and together" above) The very idea is so exciting but i guess we'll drive off that bridge when we come to it.
Thanks for the thoughtful and engaging article.
Hmmmn. Let's see now.
- Would you like to have a girlfriend or wife who supports your crossdressing?
Yes! I think that could be so much fun. To be open and together. Be still my beating heart.
– Does your girlfriend or wife know about your crossdressing? Does she support you?we
Knows but does not actively support.
– What would you do if you found out that your girlfriend or wife liked to crossdress as a man?.
What's good for the gander. . .
Unlike my wife i would actively support her (see "open and together" above) The very idea is so exciting but i guess we'll drive off that bridge when we come to it.
Thanks for the thoughtful and engaging article.
I've always appreciated the beauty of women, but it was what was inside that made the external beauty shine. From the school days, the tom-boy had her cute side, the makep-less woman had her side. And now, the pandemic woman who is out in workout leggings, no bra, not shaved for a bit, no makeup, hair in a pony tail, plain nails, still has a beautiful look
My wife has shed many girly aspects over the years, but that's not what I was attracted to in the first place. I would be okay with her less feminine look, it doesn't change how masculine/feminine/heterosexual I feel or am. I guess that's why I don't get why wives/SOs/others have problem with our dressing.... feels like they take their own self-confidence issues out on us.
I've always appreciated the beauty of women, but it was what was inside that made the external beauty shine. From the school days, the tom-boy had her cute side, the makep-less woman had her side. And now, the pandemic woman who is out in workout leggings, no bra, not shaved for a bit, no makeup, hair in a pony tail, plain nails, still has a beautiful look
My wife has shed many girly aspects over the years, but that's not what I was attracted to in the first place. I would be okay with her less feminine look, it doesn't change how masculine/feminine/heterosexual I feel or am. I guess that's why I don't get why wives/SOs/others have problem with our dressing.... feels like they take their own self-confidence issues out on us.
