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Brina, another wonderful post. I feel very similar to you in terms of questioning. For me, I have gone through these stages:
-Crossdressed and repressed for 30 years.
-For much of my life I did not feel much like a normal/macho man.
-Late 40's admitted to myself "yes I am a crossdresser."
-Came out to my wife when went amazing. Thankful.
-Thought crossdressing would be "a part time hobby."
-Ended up crossdressing every day. Um, this didn't seem like a hobby now.
-I started to think of myself as "Gender Fluid." And then began to do A TON of research on transgender topics.
-Started to see I wasn't being very "fluid" as I dress every day.
-I shaved daily. Feminize my eyebrows. Nails. This isn't clothes.
-I started to read Reddit's Transgender related forums and read other's experiences of "how did you know." And to be frank, A LOT lined up with me. When you read "trans in denial" those stories are impactful when looking at my own life stories.
-I never felt like a girl in a boy's body. Yet, I never felt macho/man either.
-When I feminize myself, I just feel more euphoric and relaxed.
-I feel my male body is more of a "tool to get around society" without problems.
-I am ok with my guy self, but prefer my female self.
-I look at myself as Transgender now. But due to other factors I will not being Transitioning. I actually didn't know you could be "transgender' WITHOUT transitioning.
-Now, for me it is all about managing my dysphoria and I live in 2 worlds. I am just trying to embrace being happy.
Brina, how were your stages?
-Christina
My whole life I have asked myself questions about what or who I am. Now in the 4th quarter of my life. I think I know pretty much the answers. But knowing them and whether I'm going further is the big question. I have a friend who is older than me who transitioned very late in her life. She is in her 90s. She is a amazing person. I envy her for her courage. I am still at that crossroads that I was almost 60 yrs ago. I'm still asking questions which may have no answers.
As always Brina, than you for a well written thought provoking article as the ladies have expressed their feelings with their thoughts.
i have sought counseling to this very question and realized I am gender fluid and to paraphrase Christina “When I feminize to my true self I just feel more euphoric and relaxed.
-I feel my male persona is more of a “tool to get around society” without problems.
BTW. Brina thank you for taking the time to edit and help me with my “First Party Article”
and realized I was so euphoric in expressing my true self… warmest regards, Leonara
Brina,
Today, the term transgendered has come to cover anyone who expresses differently than the sex they were assigned at birth. So by that definition all of us here at CDH are indeed trans. But under that "trans" umbrella we are all unique individuals with different journeys. For example, Christina's comment ("I am ok with my guy self, but prefer my female self") describes me perfectly. Other CD's are similar, many are different. So I guess I'm trans but I've never had the desire to transition in any way. As to why I do this, I haven't the foggiest idea and have gotten to the point where I don't really care why. I am too busy enjoying being Fiona.
Wonderful article Brina. I logged in today because I felt that frequent uneasiness of not fully being me and needing, wanting something to help the swish of things in my mind about "who do I want to be". Your article was that something.
I know I am not "normal". I had to get dressed up formally in guy-mode and as I looked for my guy dress shoes, my eyes saw my pointed-toe flats and had me wondering, what if on the outfit. Then of course not, followed by why not in my head, finishing with No.
For years, I refused to admit to myself that I was a crossdresser. I revealed parts of this side of me and always tried to play it down, like I could change myself not to be. As my wife saw more of this, she asked me, and I still denied I was a crossdresser. Then she declared one day that I need to be honest with myself, that I am a crossdresser. She was right.
Years later, transgender awareness has become more visible everywhere. I met a feminine guy at work who later had HR notify everyone at work that they were transgender and starting transitioning. I watched keenly, the reactions of others, the small steps of the person, hair length, nail color, girly jeans, girly tops, makeup, voice training, upper body changes, hanging out with accepting women, joining a women's sports league. I always wondered about me....would that be me someday...
I think that's not me, but instead I'm a princess chained in a tower, waiting for a fairy god mother to release me, hiding in a male costume, venturing out to not be seen, scared of being caught being someone I know. Losing years, wasting energy and stress, getting nowhere.
How will I know for me is many questions in one.
I can tell you I know that I have no plans to transition. I know because I don't want to be a girl. I like wearing feminine clothing, I like doing certain feminine things, but I don't want to be a girl and never have. Even earlier today I'm wondering why is it that I can't just go out in a skirt without having to put in breast forms, do makeup (even if it's just beard cover), or put on a wig. I had a workman coming to my home and had to cover my feminine top with a sweatshirt and change from skirt (plain black, calf length) to leggings until he was through.
During the lock-down at the start of the pandemic, I decided to do an experiment. I wanted to see if I would get tired of dressing, and if I would feel different if I dressed every day. Now there were still a few times I had o change into male (or androgynous female) clothing, but I would say I was better than 90% of the time en femme. I have sleep safe forms, but I didn't wear a wig to bed. Taking a walk almost every day through my neighborhood to get my steps in I even met someone whom I made friends with. My conclusions were that I did not tire of it even after more than a year, and that I'm quite comfortable doing most things as Alison. Exceptions were mostly when I would see people I know or doctor appointments. When I retire in a few short years, I may go back and spend a lot more time as Alison than I might have otherwise thought. But I still have no plans to transition. I could tell someone who might ask "How can you be sure?" what I did and how it didn't change my mind.
Maybe in the process of spending so much time changed my label from crossdresser to gender fluid. I'm comfortable presenting as either male or female, and even as a male dressed in women's clothes if I'm just at home. Am I at transgender individual? I'm somewhere on the trans spectrum, but I don't consider myself to be transgendered. Sure, I've gone beyond just clothing with long hair, makeup and waxing. But I realize it's much easier and more acceptable even if read that I look like I'm trying to present as a woman instead of a man in women's clothing. Although I don't want to be a woman, Shakespeare said "All the world's a stage," and if I want to go out in obvious women's clothing, I have to play that role even in public on the world's stage. I have learned to enjoy playing a woman in public, but it's not a core need, just a means to an end.
Regarding a magic pill, I definitely do not want to take a pill that would turn me into a woman. Instead, how about a pill for others to take to realize that clothing or other behaviors are not gender specific. Sure they may represent the majority, but are not exclusive to one gender or another.
As for labels, I don't worry too much about them. There are too many (such as gender fluid, bi-gender, dual gender, non-gendered, non-binary, etc.), their definitions overlap, and one person's definition may differ from anther's. This may help you, Brina, in that I don't look at a label as a little box I'm confined in. Instead, I look at a label as a jumping off point for a discussion.
Hi Brina. This is a wonderfully thought-provoking article. I’m going to do something I don’t usually like to do, and that is to assume how others feel. Usually I just like to present how I feel.
We may never have that checklist that, once everything is ticked off, will assign us to our designated label. I simply believe that most of us don’t know what we are, but are certain of what we are not.
We are not traditional, binary individuals; either, or. We see what others label themselves as (based on what’s assigned at birth, under the current model) and we say, “I’m not like that. There’s part of me that is, but there’s part of me that isn’t.” Some of us go so far as to say, “I’m opposite of that.”
For now, that makes it difficult, because so much of life’s opportunities depend on our declaration. I do see things changing. And the evolution may take longer than my remaining lifespan. I guess I’ll have to be okay with that. We can’t force society to revamp its attitude overnight.
So I’ll accept and enjoy having my closeted Raquel time at home (including daily underdressing, which soothes me), and some open Raquel time when I travel, and hope and pray that society doesn’t backslide.
Much love,
Raquel
Honey I love your writing it’s thought-provoking it’s loving and ask all the right questions! I thought I was just simply a cross dresser someone who loved the feeling of feminine fabrics and clothes and heels and when I finally lived on my own I decided to give it a try to be 100% And I found that it brought me great joy great inner satisfaction and as I continued on my path I found that I just became more and more and more me! It was as though someone had turned the light inside of me up and then more up and then more up until I’m shining brightly in every way that I can! And I have learned through this experience that when my light is bright so is everyone’s around me! I do in fact love the woman that I have become the woman that I should’ve been all along. I know a lot of sisters out there that are very content to be playing both roles male and female. And in my book that is absolutely fabulous! I think that we all, that is all of mankind are in this really broad spectrum between male and female. Each of us move through the spectrum throughout our lives. Some men very feminine some women very masculine, And every variation in between. Some of us go beyond are born masculine or feminine images and move in the places that feel the most comfortable to us. It is when we except in ourselves that is OK to be OK with whoever and Wherever we are on that journey! When we can truly believe that wherever we are is completely OK that we place no judgments on ourselves no guilt no harm no foul, then the outside world sees us is as completely formed adults owning this person that we are because we except ourselves the outside world excepts us also. So to you and everyone else out there I would advise you to love you, embrace you, and be the person that makes you the happiest, that turns your light on the brightest! Because only then, when you release yourself to be what and where joy takes you, can you experience Full and Unquestioning love of your self! With the greatest of loving hugs to you and everyone around you, Diane
Hi Sabrina,
I loved your article especially that it made me sit back and think about my self and my journey to this point in my life. I have said more than once that had I not gotten married I may very well have transitioned but when I look at my life as a whole that could be wrong. I dressed totally and a lot in my late teens and early twenties and I know I just hated it when I had to put Trish away. I loved being a girl and back then I was very passable and felt so good every time some guy came on to me. It just confirmed my femininity.
But when the depression left after Trish was gone I enjoyed my guy things, building a muscle car, playing soccer dating girls. Then I got married, had kids and was involved in their chosen sports. Trish was put away for a long time and I became, as my wife put it, an asshole. Trish had never left and I thought of her constantly.
Once the boys were gone, Trish emerged and she wanted so much more time than ever before. It was at this point I began to think about transitioning again. The desire to remain Trish was so strong and then summer comes, families arrive and Trish has to leave. But this time I seem to be enjoying my guy things less and less. Is all this because I'm getting up there, is this my last chance? I don't know the answer or what to do.
I guess this is why I found your article so thought provoking. I, like you, don't think I have an answer but then maybe I do but don't want to think about it. Could I still be happy as Trish part time...............................................
Thanks for posting this Brina,
Love,
Trish
Brina, in how you describe yourself, you could also be describing me. There are some things that just can’t be known with certainty. There is no litmus test, just as there is no black and white, no red line, and no absolute binary gender identity.
What I do know is that I am by far happiest when I allow myself to live as a woman. ‘AS’ is a reasonable modifier. I have never been a biological woman, so I can’t say I feel like a woman. I feel like myself, however, when presenting as a woman. Its not definitive, but perhaps close enough.
That’s how I feel. But I also have other people (no longer a spouse) who have expectations that don’t mesh with the person I prefer to be in my private life. That is the biggest internal conflict I deal with.
Hi Brina
I really enjoyed reading your article, not because of your dilemma but because its probably the same question nearly all of us ask our selves. For me I gave up trying to get an answer a few years ago! After all, it had taken me over forty years to “accept” that I was a Crossdresser! today I am happy knowing that Stephanie is a real person and one that makes me very happy and very content, yes I still lead a double life and I’m ok with that and I’m also ok with knowing that things change as we go along. Right now I’m loving being who I am
love Stephanie ❤️
Brina;
The article seems to be talking about yourself, though I suspect somehow you have read my mind and described me instead!
At times I've felt like the most screwed up person in the world but of course I'm nowhere near that. Now I sometimes describe myself with one foot in femininity and one foot in masculinity but Gender Fluid is what I suppose I am.
Like you I have find I envy for those who know they are in the wrong body and are making the effort to change that as best science allows, but I'm not part of that crowd. No some days I'm quite happy to still be male me though I am always thinking about dressing up from time to time, then another day I'm so happy to be Amy.
My barber is an interesting bi lady who asked me a similar question, and I answered, "I don't mind being M......, but I LOVE being Amy".
Does that tell you something?
Maybe, but I still don't feel a full transition is what I need.
Also I'm married and I love my wife dearly, we have been best friends for over 35 years, but she didn't sign up to be with a transwoman and that would be a step too far for her.
So I have that constraint on me as well. Though she is fully accepting and supportive of my CDing, something I know many don't have.
The one thing I dearly would love to have are my own breasts but then that's transitioning and I'm not ready for that yet and perhaps will never be. So I'm sticking with forms, no pun intended!
I very much like your advice to your younger self and wish I'd had some of these resources available to me many years ago to tell me that as well.
My Mother passed very suddenly nearly 30 years ago and I was so closeted at the time, but I wish she could have known about her part time daughter, the one she wished for but nature never gave her. Even the female name they must have had in mind as in the early 50's no one knew the sex of their baby before birth.
At this point in my life I've found my femme self and She gets quite a bit of time, and I so much enjoy simply being "Her"
Thank you so much for an interesting and thought provoking article, Brina.
Amy
When I went to a transgender conference for the first time a friend told me how ai would know if I'm a CD or transgendered woman is how I felt after the week of being a woman. She said if I'm a CD, I would be ready to get back to my male self in the "normal" world. If I was transgendered, I would want to stay a female full-time. She also said a way to tell the CDs from the transgendered is the CDs rarely wear pant suits. I don't know if this is true or not, but it helped me. I have incorporated some of my feminine side to my male identity. I don't know if I made any sense. I grew my hair out after retirement and I engage in some feminine hobbies such as quilting. I think I have found a balance I'm happy with.
Thank you Brina for sharing your insight. I must say it's rather obvious you have given this subject a lot of thought and consideration over the years. I can read your writings and find myself in them in so many ways. It is always insightful to simply read my thoughts out loud even when they are in another like minded person's words.
So how do we know? Well I'm willing to bet that's a question we will be asking and answering forever as you displayed so openly and honestly the answer is going to change endlessly. I know this just might sound strange however, I'm happy there is not just one answer as that would so boring and leave no room for new discoveries.
For me it started as simply being drawn toward feminine side of life as we know it for no known reason. At a very young age I was drawn to lingerie and girls in general. By my teen years I found myself expressing those feeling by dressing the part. One might ask at that point is this crossdressing or something more serious in nature. Well how does one know? It seems the only way to find out is to go down that rabbit hole further and see if there are answers and of course I did just that. It opened a number of doors and yet so many more questions. The confusion can become overwhelming.
Like so many others I've explored so many aspects of this boy vs girl, man vs woman, crossdresser vs transgendered, fetish vs life style and the turmoil has been constant over the years. I'm perfectly content with my male life at times doing all the guys things that are whatever normal is and then in a instance the female side of my person comes roaring out with a passion and once I pursue it I'm perfectly content there as well. For me I've learned it more about balance and accepting it's a journey with a thousand twists and turns with what's ahead never known for certain and that okay as the unknow is what makes it so exciting. So I've had to stop asking How do we know and rather ask myself "What's next".
On a slightly different tangent, I often wonder how one detects I am a crossdresser. I spend hours with makeup and dressing my fem best. I feel I pass well, but when the occasional clerk addresses me as "sir" I have to wonder "How do you know?" Is there a good way to determine the answer to this without asking directly?
I did ask a lady once who I came to know more closely. I thought it was likely my voice or something more obvious. But she responded that she was unsure at first, but noted my large hands and build, and a few other items that I did not think were dead giveaways. My voice apparently was not the tip-off. If I knew what the giveaways were, I might be better able to better present en femme, but it seems awkward to ask directly. Is there a tactful approach?